Version: The Ril Dil                                                                                                            Script By: Anonymous

scene fo -
hoes n  yams

*Person walks in center with card that says in big letters: “Scene 4”*
*Flips Card that says: The next morning…”*
*Scene takes place in eating room.*

*Okonkwo mumbles to himself as he eats his yams.*
*Okonkwo speaks in an agitated manner.*

Wife2: Wassa matta hunny?

Okonkwo: Them bible-itchbes is gon’ git it if they don’ behave.

Wife2: O, yea, Shaniqua tol me all about what happened yestaday. Fuhget about em. Let em be they own stoopid bible-itchbes. They ain’t sumthin you worth worryin about. Don go an kill em eitha. Besides, they’s got guns, they’s got germs, an’ they’s got steel. Whadda we got? We got a buncha hoes an’ yams! Ain no match fo them crackers.

Okonkwo: ITCHB! I EAT CRACKAS FUH BREAKFAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Nwoye puts a plate of saltine crackers in front of Okonkwo.*
*Okonkwo grabs a cracker and stuffs it in his mouth*

Okonkwo: FUH BREAKFAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nwoye: Father, white people are our friends. It don’t matter if your black or white.

Okonkwo: NIGGA WAAATTT?!!!!!!!!!!!

Nwoye: I was saying, we need to get along with white people.
*Okonkwo spits crackers out, then grabs Nwoye by neck.*
*Okonkwo starts slapping Nwoye silly while at the same time saying:*

Okonkwo: I’MA LEARN YOU HOW BLACKS AN’ WHITES GIT ALONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okonkwo: ITCHB, GIT OUT MY CAT O’ NINE TAILS!!!! (a cat o’ nine tails is a whip, refer to dictionary) DEYS GON BE SUM LEARNIN’ IN DIS OBI!!!!!
*Wife1 appears.*

Wife1:*Gasp!*
*Then grabs and hugs Nwoye*
*Okonkwo stops slapping Nwoye after Wife1 grabs him*

Wife1: Okonkwo! Whippin da boi ain gon solve anything! Mya, take da poor boi into his room. You know what to do.
*Wife2 takes Nwoye, who is crying, into room and is not in scene anymore*

Okonkwo: Agbala amnd it! Why can’t Nwoye be like Ike? Why’s don’t he tell me e’erthin like Ike? Why can’t he be a straight up G?

Wife1: Fuhget about Nwoye for now. We need to go to Ikemefuna’s funeral.
*Person comes to center with a card: At the funeral…*

Wife1: Wow, summa dese people I don even know!

Okonkwo: Yea. Ikemefuna’s got connections evrawhere.

Wife1: Who’s dat girl ova thurr crying?

Okonkwo: I’ll go find out.
*Okonkwo walks over to the short girl with straight, shiny, black hair, which is odd because most African hair is curly as hell*
*Girl is crying*

Okonkwo: Hunny, who ya name is?

Girl: (in sniffles) Nilee

Okonkwo: Ohh…you’s da itchb Ikemefuna likes from African Littachures class.

Nilee: (still in sniffles) I liked him too!!! Why didn’t he tell me mista?! Why didn’t he tell me?!

Okonkwo: Well, das how love is. He din think you felt da same. An well, he let it slide. An befo he could wish he tol you, he dun got capped. Fuhget about him. He’s dead now. Move on ta betta things itchb. He prolly drop you like it’s hot if he ain’ dead cuz ya know, he’s pimp like me. An' pimps don't curr fa love.

Nilee: *runs away in tears*

Wife1: Well, who was she? Was she some hoe dat got her pussy popped by Ikemefuna?

Okonkwo: Naw. Ikemefuna won do dat cuz he’s got (in taunting voice) “morals an principles.” Anyways, she’s da hoe Ikemefuna liked. Not important. Afta I greet e’er-one (everyone), we’ll go back home.

Wife1: Her hair’s kinda uckfed up.

Okonkwo: Hell yea! Straight as hell! Ain much of looker compared ta other itchbes her age eitha. Don’ know why Ikemefuna like dat itchb.

*Trumpets blare*
*Peasant rolls in the red carpet*
*Priest walks to end of red carpet, unravels scroll, and says in an royal English accent:*

Priest: By the order of Church and Queen, you are hereby commanded to end this funeral and burn the deceased boy’s body. Failure to do so will result in imprisonment and a fine of two hundred cowries. It is (roll the “r” on royal) royal law that all deceased Africans shall be burned like Jews. That is all.
*Trumpets blare again.*
*Priest rolls up scroll and walks back*
*Peasant rolls up red carpet*

Okonkwo: Dat’s it, I’ma kill dese muh uckfas!
*starts pulls out a pair of Mac-10s (a Mac-10 is a gun, refer to dictionary.) and loading them*

Wife1: Okonkwo NO! Everyone help!
*Bunch of people including Wife1 tackle Okonkwo to ground and take his guns*

Okonkwo: Lemme git em!!! Lemme git em!!!

Wife1: Okonkwo listen, you need to chill out. Take a few deep breaths. Invite sum friends ova and jis chill till the next episode. Aight?

Okonkwo: *inhales and exhales a few times* Ok.

Wife1: Priestess, would you finish the funeral for us? I’ll pay you later.

Priestess: There’s no need to pay me back. It is my honor to do this.

Wife1: Thank you.

*Person comes to center with a card: Back at home…*

Wife1: Go an’ call sum friends over. You need to chill.
*Okonkwo gets a drum and starts beating a rhythm*
*Ten seconds later, someone knocks on door*

*Person walks in center with card that says in big letters: “Scene Ends” Then walks away.*

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