A Diet Fit For
Vikings!
Jumpstart Your Heart!
The mornings are brutal. Waking up is the hardest thing you will do in the day; it requires willpower that saps much of your energy. Starting the day out correctly will help the rest of your day. It is like high school. How well you do in those four years will determine how well you do in your later life. You've slep 
for many hours and need replenishment, not to mention enough energy to last you until lunch. Back in the day when Vikings roamed the land, they would go out and hunt a deer or two for breakfast. But times have changed. No more deer for you to hunt in your backyard, so you'll have to make do with what humanity has to offer. What you need to eat is something with high carbohydrates. Your body burns carbohydrates much easier than fat. Sugar is the purest form of carbohydrates. Personally, I like brown sugar, not that refined, white sh** or substitute. I don't want fake sh**, I want the real deal. Anyways, start your morning off with a couple (or more) Krispy Kreme donuts and wash it down with an energy drink. I personally don't like energy drinks, so I use something else with high caffine, like coffee or Bawls. Grab some Bawls before you leave. They've got a nice tangy taste that'll have you coming back every night (morning actually, but it may seem like night if you're an earlybird). Of course, donuts every day would be monotonous. You'd get bored of it, so switch it up a little. Have some spaghetti noodles with syrup (any kind you want, maple, chocolate, strawberry, etc.) sprinkled with crumpled Pop-Tarts and marshmallows. If you want, you could even chug the syrup down! That'll give you plenty of energy! This wouldn't quite provide as much proteins as deer, but at least it's got energy. If you're a lazy-ass and don't even want to make your own power breakfast, go out and get a (or two or three or five) Sausage Egg McMuffin(s) from McDonald's along with some coffee. But I don't recommend that. I'd rather have some Krispy Kremes with a glass of 2 raw eggs (still no match for a deer). But the point is: shock your heart with a burst of refined energy and start it up right!
Lunch
All of that food was not to build your body. That food was only to wake you up and prepare you to beef up. Lunch is when the real food comes in. After lunch you're going to be burning some calories and energy not to mention fat! So, you are going to need some power foods. No, I am not talking about power bars and protein drinks. That's fake sh**, and fake sh** isn't going to help you; it may even harm you. What you want is a 16 oz. T-bone steak. This is as close to Viking food as you will get nowadays. Make the steak rare if you want it almost exactly like Viking food. This steak will give you a nice decent amount of protein for your muscles to grow. Don't eat any weak-end vegetables or sissy salads or anything of that kind. That's just wimpy. If you really want color, have some fruit. That's as low as you should go. Besides a nice, juicy steak, have some potatoes. Ask for the fried variety. This will give you fiber and a decent dose of saturated fat. Fat makes you feel full and takes more time to burn so you won't have to eat. Eating 5 servings of high-carbohydrates is not as beneficial as having 2 servings of fat. Have a mountainous mug of Coca-Cola to wash down the meal. Rest for at least 30 minutes before doing your workout or work(job). Be sure to break a sweat! And don't forget to drink water. It's not that important though, since your body's only 66% water, your brain 75%, and blood 83%.
The Finale
After working those muscles, your bound to be hungry. It's time to treat your body to a full-course meal after working so hard. Besides, your about to go 8 or more hours without food! Give your body enough energy to suvive it! Start dinner off with an appetizer. Have something with spices and have something sort of sour to get your appetite going. Have steak, chicken, fish, pasta, and some high-fat foods. These will not only make you full, but they will also provide you enough fuel to last through the night. All this food must be hot, since things closer to your body's temperature are easier to digest and be absorbed into your body. Turkey has a special chemical that makes the body sleepy, so this food may be desirable for a good night's sleep! Have a glass of milk. I hear warm milk helps people sleep. I recommend just drinking a bowl of soup instead, since it has nutrients from whatever its ingredients are. For desert have some cheesecake and ice cream. Mochi ice cream is really good, but expensive. You could always go with the traditional style ice cream though. Cheescake and ice cream should provide you enough pure carbohydrates to last the night. Why do you need so much energy for night? Well, the night's are long. You spend 2/3s of your life sleeping! For those of you who are old enough, bedroom sports can be very brutal and will drain your energy. After the long night passes, you will try to wake up in the morning. This means the cycle will need to continue. Use this diet for one year, and you will have Viking-strength, not to mention looks. There's no need to be scared of anyone once you look like a Viking, since Vikings have conquered parts of Western Europe with maces and spears. Anyways, happy dieting! I'm looking forward to seeing more Vikings (not really, but you know what I mean)!
Health Claims-
The author is not responsible for any health or medical concerns .
- My diet will increase your cholesterol and make for strong, hard arteries!
- You will see places bulge like they've never bulged before!
- You will "get around" easier, since people are afraid of Viking-like figures and will let you have it your way.