An evil producer checking his Boyband Files.
Who Listens To It?
Who Makes It?
Key Roles
Names
The Future
Pop music is made for children too young to have developed a mature musical taste - usually twelve and under. However, once someone this young starts listening to pop music they can become addicted by the over-simplistic melodies which all sound so reassuringly similar.
As well as addicting children - sometimes for life - to its mind atrophying sounds, Pop Music also attracts a certain breed of adults: Those who don't know their own minds. These, so-called "adults" can be of any age over twelve. They hear songs on the radio which the DJ says are good and this information passes directly into their brains without having to go through the confirmation checks present in a normal brain. Similarly a friend or collegue may tell them the new **** song is really good causing this subject, let's call him Bob, to engage directly into purchase mode. Bob will enter his nearest "friendly music shop"* and go into an automated mode where he will buy the first single/album(s) he comes across bearing this bands name(no. of albums depends on subject's wealth). This process may repeat several times for different (but remarkably similar) bands until the subject runs out of money, runs out of bands or manages to have opinions of his/her own.
*A "Friendly Music Shop" constitutes a large, well known shop selling music which the subject has heard of and is not frightened by.
Many people are under the false assumption that the pop artists actually make the music themselves. These people should be herded up and beaten with sharp sticks and called Canadian! No, in fact it is the producers and record managers who make the music. First the record label manager(s) will decide they want a talentless bunch of good-looking boys or girls to make up a pop group, young enough to appeal to kids, but old enough for dirty old men/pubescent girls to fantasise over. These groups are commonly called "Boy/Girlbands" (usually by townies how love the "music" and Kappa tracksuits).
An evil producer checking his Boyband Files.
These boys/girls will be gathered through newspaper advertising where people too ugly or too stupid (apparently people like this do exist! - there are estimated to be about 10 in every major european country) would be whittled away to reduce the group to a core of 4-5 boys/girls equally lacking in talent, charisma or intelligence.
A scary sight. The scurge of the 90s - Take That. They're all dead now except Robbie. I think.
These individuals will be locked together in the same flat/house for several months during which time they will undergo intensive conditioning to remove any traces of individuality, character or independant thought. During this time these individuals will also be assigned their key roles in the band as:
The group will record tracks once their producers have written songs just different enough from the current Number One to guarantee them breaching the top twenty. A similar name also helps to boost their pop profile - containing no more than two words as this would confuse their market. A few numbers or letters such as A1 or 911 are even better so that their fans don't have to cope with actual words.
Recording the songs involves the band each making a few different general noises which are then converted into words and a tune using the latest production technology. Sometimes they will be allowed to sing in the studio so the producers can convince the band that they did sing the songs themselves (although this is seldom necessary - they usually believe it anyway). On very rare occasions a member might have a good enough voice to record properly, but this doesn't matter - the other way is quicker and easier.
How do they come up with those names?
The name is the most important thing of a pop band. After all, noone will want to buy a single with long words obscuring all the boys/girls pretty faces. As I have said above, the name must consist of no more than two words so as not to confuse the fans. These words should be monosyllabic and easy to remember - "Boys" is a great choice for one word as the girls are bound to remember that, and may even be reminded that the band contains boys. A fusion of two words is even better such as "Boyzone". Here the double-whammy effect of having two words is created yet the fans only have to remember one word - instant success! My suggested boy band names for the future are the following:
Pop music must and shall be obliterated - it is afterall a tool of the government to pacify the masses and thus make their lives easier - this must not be tolerated...
For this reason I intend one day to use my knowledge of pop to create a bogus boyband to destroy pop from the inside, like a cancer within a cancer (boybands cause cancer too - it's a fact, i just can't prove it). I believe that this was the secret purpose of the band Five (it's called five because there are five members of the group - genius!) and they are either waiting for the ideal moment to strike or have succumbed to the evil temptations of pop.
Also, watch out for the forthcoming How to spot and avoid Nu-metal page
Boyzone - genius name makers!
Numbers and letters are also good so the fans don't have to worry about making whole words. 911 have managed to take this a stage furthur by using numbers that everyone is familiar with - genius! Whereas A1 have managed to brilliantly mix letters AND numbers!
The future?
Coming soon - An increasing number of solo artists are also appearing on the scene - need to know how to deal with those? Stay tuned!