"Smoker" still at large Police are on the lookout for a criminal that has been at work for years, the notorious "Smoker". He has been attacking celebrities for a number of years, lulling them into a false sense of security before 'sucking' the niceness out of their faces. Past victim Shane McGowan had this to say. "Well, mfrgh argh! Some bastard, er, I'm in a band. I think. Who are you? Get out of my spaceship. He smoked it y'know!" Other victims include Jimmy Nail and Barbra Streisand. We spoke to police chief Jeff Trumble about it. "We believe that the 'Smoker' uses some sort of giant tube which he attaches to his victims face when they are unaware and literally smokes the 'niceness' out," he says. "We are aware that he has been active recently, due to evidence surfacing that certain celebrities have been attacked." On this basis, The Daily Squeegy went to the house of Jade Goody, from TV's Big Brother. "No, she's always been a dog," said her mother. We will bring you more news about the 'Smoker' as soon as we can, but until then, celebs should leave their facial niceness at home.