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Film Review by Jimmy Jambone On Cinema One Hour Photo This film features comedy crazyman Robin Williams (Mork and Mindy) as the owner of a photo developing studio in a mall in America. He is a lonely person who seeks some sort of companionship but to no avail. Enter a family, who then frequent his shop every other week and Williams starts to get attached to them, even though they have no idea that he even exists. Williams schemes for a whole five minutes before coming up with a cunning plan to keep them in his life. He waits until they enter the shop before lunging at the door and locking it, swallowing the key. He tells them that they are his family now and forever more. He pulls off his mask and it's really Robbie Williams. The father of the family, Gary Barlow, tells him that it was his choice to leave Take That and he should just be happy with his solo career but this just enrages the psycho singer. Williams tortures them for a while by singing his greatest hits but after an hour, he runs out of songs and, looking at Mark Owen's girly little face, takes pity on them and lets Gary pull the key from his throat. Then, in a horrible twist, Williams bites off Gary Barlow's hand and rip's down the 'One Hour Photo' poster, revealing the actual film title of Alien 5 : Alien Goes To Jail. Williams then impregnates the rest of the band with evil baby aliens and, after the horrific messy birth, the chest bursters become chart bursters by forming a new pop band called Blue. Originality 4/10 - I see this thing every week on Pop Stars - The Rivals Star Quality 8/10 - Who'd have thought they could get Take That, seeing as they are all doing so well these days. Overall 6/10 - I expected 'One Hour Photo' but I got 'Two Hour Shitefest' 28 Days Later The new film by Trainspotting director Danny Boyle is a gritty look at a post apocalyptic London due to the outbreak of a horrible virus which turns people into raving lunatics. Written by Alex Garland, author of The Beach and Son of a Beach, the film focuses on a young man called Kyle who, after waiting 28 days, is horrified by the fact that the postman hasn't brought his free mug for which he had painstakingly saved vouchers from packets of Hob Nobs. Kyle embarks on a journey to the Hob Nob factory in search of the missing mug, through which he meets up with survivors of the virus attack. These people, led by Colonel Steve McQueen, are desperate to get the population of London back to the way it was, as the virus fuelled zombies are just too calm in comparison to the normal cockneys who they remember. A shocking revelation ensues as Kyle finds out that Colonel Steve McQueen is actually not a member of any armed force, but one even more aggressive and ruthless. He is really Norman Smythe, postal worker, who had been keeping the prized mug away from Kyle because he didn't like the cut of his jib. Kyle and Norman fight it out on a rooftop but does the mug make it? You'll have to watch it for yourselves. Grittiness 9/10 - There's a lot of grit in there, I think I even saw some in Kyle's teeth. Realism 8/10 - A lot of the maniacs were just regular London goers being secretly filmed. Overall 8/10 - Kept me riveted to my seat, although that may have been the rivets. My Little Eye This is the sequel to 1998's film My Little Hand, which was the very first time that Jeremy Beadle had ever stepped foot on the big screen. This film keeps the same premise as the original but features Matthew Perry (Friends, Betty Ford) as a hapless thief, Mike, who keeps bungling up his jobs because of his little piggy eyes. Mike, after being released from jail for the 14th time, decides to work on his stealing skills and jumps on a plane to Japan, where everything is smaller, thus making his thiefwork a little bit easier. Cue the entrance of Jet Li (The One, The Golden Boat), a tiny police officer who then makes Mike's job all the harder. Perry plays the part well but due to the actual size of his eyes, computer wizardry had to be employed to make his eyes a slight bit more visible. Jet Li, on the other hand, seems unable to make an exciting appearance, as his Chinese film background makes him act his parts always just slightly left or right of the camera. Believability 6/10 - Who has ever seen a tiny eyed thief?? SFX 8/10 - You can just make out Perry's digitally enhanced pupils. Overall 6/10 - After My Little Hand, nothing will be good enough for me. For more reviews from the past, check our archive here. To talk to Jimmy Jambone himself, check out your local off-licence or just write to:
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