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January 27, 2002

4:25am

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I am going to do next year. I have many options but none of them seem to appealing right now. I could stay where I am, residing in New Brunswick, NJ where I have been all of my life. Which would really suck, cause I hate he here a lot. I mean, I have friends here, but sometimes I wish I could just make new friends and start over somewhere else. I want to be in a new environment. And sometimes I think there is so much drama in this town, because its so small and people thrive off gossip and knowing other peoples business. Its not as bad as most places. But every once in a while, I will find myself trying to not get upset about a rumor or lie that is flying around about me. Then, my second option is Philly. Now, this option really shouldn’t be an option at all, cause I hate Philly. I know people there. I also hate a lot of people there. Philly reminds me of a smaller Boston. Fake people. Hipster high school. More drama and gossip than I could ever deal with. People competing with one another. Who’s cooler? Who’s having sex with who? Were you at that party? No? What a loser. Not my type of city. Although, its cheap and I could just move in with my best friend Shivani who needs a room mate anyway. I could become a hermit. Ug. But, anyway, there are many other options too. I wanted to move to the west coast but after thinking about it for a while, and then visiting out there, I decided that it way to big for a first move. I lived in New York for a while, but it became way too expensive and I don’t think I could deal with the life style there. Way too fast pace. I have to move to a city, because I need easy public transportation and many opportunities for a job. But, in reality, I wish I could just live as far away from cities as possible. I want country and woods and places to explore with underground tunnels and old supermarkets and antique shops. I want tall grass and lots of flowers and weird places to go exploring in, like abandon houses and buildings and old broken down cars. I want horses and big trees. It just sounds so much nicer then stupid clubs and parties to be “seen” at, smog and cars and buses and noise…violence and pretentiousness, and gossip.. and drama. Fuck it all. I’m so confused on where to go. Humph.

Today wasn’t so bad. I’m at my parents house which means, I got to actually eat food, which I haven’t been doing a lot of lately due to lack of funds. I also got to talk to a very special friend of mine for hours that I haven’t spoken to in quite some time. His name is Adam and he’s the best guy ever. It really felt good to talk to someone real for a change.