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ENTERTAINMENT
CELEBRITY NEWS
Tim Cruise In False Teeth Shocker!
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Tim Was All Smiles Yesterday After His Stunning Relevation.
Chicago, IL - The entertainment world was reeling yesterday after Hollywood heart throb Tim Cruise announced that his million dollar teeth were infact dentures.
It was during his appearence on the hugely popular Oprey Winfred show that Tim made his stunning confession.
"They're not real!" he shouted leaping up and down, unable to contain himself. Oprey looked dumbstruck as Tim proceeded to pull out his perfect pearly whites.
This was followed by cries of horror from the audience, Oprey even began to sob.Tim surprised by the sudden down turn in events promptly slipped is dentures back into his mouth and flashed his trademark mischevious grin. The audience cheered and applauded.
After what seemed an eternity Oprey finally summond up the courage to ask Tim what had happened to his real teeth. "I had a little accident when I was eleven" was all he would say with a wink.
It just goes to show even Hollywoods best are not perfect!
Reality Show Aims To Get Even Bigger
The Cast Of Big Sister 6. Bigger Than Ever!
If you thought Big Sister 5 couldn't get much bigger, stick around and wait till you see the girls on Big Sister 6!
The show's Producer, Art Buttcrack believes this show has reached a new level. "Wendy, Mandy and Sandy are the three fattest sisters this show has even seen!" Buttcrack exclaimed. " We had to create a larger than life house for these bloated blubber-filled gluttons."
The show's set designers had specially made crack proof toilet bowls, royale sized bathtubs and weight-supporting six foot thick mattresses installed.
Buttcrack also urged viewers to tune in for the Jacuzzi scenes. "They will be awsome." He declared. Big Sister 6 airs weekdays at 9pm on the Frocks Network
Angeline Jolly In Dramatic Weight Loss
Raising Kids, Making Movies And Finding Love With Fellow Actor Rad Drillbitt Has Taken Its Toll.
Hollywood, CA - (AP). Stunning Brunette Angeline Jolly is shockingly thin these days. But amazingly its not her weight loss thats bothering her! Its her lips.
Angeline was reported as being devastated. Not by losing 45lbs but by how large her lips had become! One source said that while dining out at a fancy restaurant her boyfried, Hollywood Heart throb Rad Drillbitt, joked that her lips resembled a sink plunger
The source also disclosed that although Angeline is so thin she could double as a sidewalk lamp post, her main focus was on getting a lip reduction as soon as possible. "My lips are making speech almost impossible!"
Our prayers go out to Angeline at this very sad time.
OBITUARIES
Harry 'Bow-legged' Rexroth 'The Nail Extracting Nympho' Dies At 93
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Harry Was Always On The Pull. It was What He Did Best.
Little Gnarled Foot, NFLD - (AP) - Harry 'Bow-legged' Rexroth Newfoundland's greatest nail extractor has died. He was 93.
Harry born in Big Gut, Newfoundland started out life building boats. It was during a freak accident where Harry accidently nailed his right hand to a work bench that he found his calling. "After that I tried all kinds of self mutilation" he recalled.
Harry also famed for his wild way with woman often found himself nailing them too! "There's nothing quite like the lure of a lady! When nature calls you answer!" was his now legendary catchphrase.
Throughout his career Harry pulled nails from his forehead, eyebrows, nose, chin, nipples, hands and feet. However his fascination for trying new things got the better of him.
During a show in Toronto, Harry, who was quite drunk asked a member of the audience to nail his testicles to a wooden chair - they obliged - with dire consequences.
Unable to make love properly following a total amputation of his genitalia Harry returned to Newfoundland and saw out the remainder of his life walking the hills and ponds bow-legged while eating boiled sweets.
We salute you Harry, you will be 'sorely' missed.
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LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT
Seamus Shadrack's Entertainment Round-up
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Greetings artists, thespians and culture lovers. Seamus here with all the latest happenings in New Brunswick's thriving world of the arts, entertainment and lifestyle.
MUSIC
This Friday catch up with Strudel at the Staten Island Club. The six piece swiss cow-bell ringing quartet from Interlaken will be thrusting their bells skywards to old favourites like 'Yodel', 'Up The Jungfrau' and 'Oh! What A Beautiful Matterhorn.' Doors open at 9pm. Tickets are $50 each.
THEATRE
The provincially funded arts company - Vivre Acadie has a brand new theatrical comedy out this Autumn entitled - 'How We Took Back Acadie'
Written and directed by famous Acadian comedian Albustine Bottoms, the storyline focuses mainly on how the Provincial Government has favoured acadian related projects over equal distribution of funds for the Province of New Brunswick for sometime now. A great comedy with plenty of laughs!
During the two hour performance Acadian actors dressed in period costume lament on how they miss fishing, rearing cows, digging dykes and being deported by the British.
Other nationalities and immigrants as well as local born actors lament equally about growing gas costs, poor income and why the Province of New Brunswick dishes out millions of tax payers money to favour Acadian related projects.
Only In New Brunswick, eh?
WRESTLING
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The New Brunswick Cross Dressing Nude Spaghetti Wrestling Championships will be held at the After Hours Bar And Eatery this Saturday at 11pm. Tickets are priced $100.00 and will be available at all trusty liquor establishments.
Reigning Spaghetti wrestler Rejeanne Leaman will be out to defend his title against upcoming hopefuls Guymond Brakes and Dorilanne Despres. Don't miss this non-stop saucy filled squirmathon!
LOCAL EVENTS
Relationships Anonymous will be holding their monthly meeting in secret this Monday at 9pm. If your in a relationship and you don't know about it this could be what your looking for!
The Moncton Old Farts Club at 36 Incontinent St., will hold their annual over 80's 'Zimmer Frame' ball this Thursday at 5pm. For more information Call Augustine or Algernon at 555-FART
The Brotherhood Of Boiler Fitters will be having their bi-weekly beers and cigars social at the Moncton Aberdeen Centre this Sunday. Tickets are $25 on the door. Donations are also required. For more information contact Manni Bannani at 555-CASH
This year's Heterosexual Volley Ball And Donuts extravaganza will be held at the Moncton Coliseum almost a year from now. Be warned advanced bookings are well under way. Special guests include 'Farmer Piles and his talking Sheep Giles' and 'The Three Sisters called Susan'.
Remember folks, Moncton is where it all happens!
COLLECTORS CORNER
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Onions. Collecting Onions may not be as absurd as it seems. Just ask Nancy Noiler.
"People collect all sorts of things from Pens, paperclips and sexually transmitted diseases. I collect Onions.
Nancy plants and grows her own Onions and currently has five different varieties. Dobby's Perfect Rounder, Horny Baron, White Lesbian, Golden Sore and Silver Slipper.
"Horny Baron is the best, if you can get it!" Nancy enthused. "Its a keeper for sure and turns blood red when its hard!"
Keep 'em growing Nancy!
Trevor The Lemon's Tips For Stupid Folk
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FIRE PREVENTION: By soaking all your household furniture before you go to bed greatly reduces the risk of a fire during the night.
LOTTO TIPS: This weekend when you buy a ticket, mark the 'Wednesday' box instead of 'Saturday' that way when none of your numbers come up on Saturday you'll have another chance to win on Wednesday!
ELDERLY FOLK: Ensure maximum delays for motorists by conducting converstaions beside pedestrian crossings.
EMERGENCY CALLS: If you ever want to practice calling 9-1-1, you may want to unplug the phone first.
BEE KEEPING TIPS: Avoid getting stung by Bees by getting stung by buying honey in a health food store.
LADIES: Save on buying sexy lace underwear by stapling paper doilies to your regular underwear.
Until next time dudes...
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