[Jen] "Look at it like this...if people don't heart you, then they don't deserve to"
[Karen] "No...I'm perfectly happy without big hearts floating around me... cause sex appeal isn't really hearts is it? "
[Jen] "Hmmm...I guess not. Sex appeal is more like, 'Hi my name is karen and everyone wants to fuck me"
*After seeing a truck that says 'RENT ME HOURLY'...
[Beth] "Hey Jen...Isn't that your truck?"
[Sarah] "No...It's your mom's."
[Jen] "You don't have any games on your calculator, Em."
[Emily] "No...Because that IS my game...Cheating on the test!"
"Did you know that the Jen Doll is the second best selling doll in the country? Yeah! The first is Beth's Mom." -Sarah
[Steph's Mom] "STEPHANIE! What are you doing out there?"
[Steph]"Um...Room Mate Bonding?"
[Steph] "So yeah. Basically, we are going to take you back to my house, and tape you to a wall with Duct tape and then see if you can hang there."
[Gabby] "What? Why?"
[Jen] "Yeah. We saw it on the internet."
[Jen] "Ask Eric if his House floated away."
[Gabby] "No one's house floated away. Everyone is fine."
[Eric J] "Matt is a violent person"
[Matt] "No I'm Not, and If you say that again, I'll break your jaw."
"Look! A moth! Its Gabby in miniature!" -Gabby
[Erin's Mom] "I wanna just take that thing and shove it in right here!"
*pause*
*a REALLY long pause*
[Jen]"What?"
[Erin's Mom] "What did Bonnie say to Mel Gibson last night???"
[Erin] "Oh My God..."
"His penis is driving and it can't see over the steering wheel." -Jen
[Emily] "You're Dirty..."
[Erin's Mom] "I'm Sorry"
[Emily] "No...Its ok. I like it."
"You found it in your mouth, huh?" -Gabby
"Suddenly, my balls are pastel" -Eric
"Stop staring at his ass...I'm not staring at his ass, I'm just wondering how his pants are staying up." -Jen's wonderful inner monologue
"I think...wait...yeah...we are the only white people here." -Christa
[Grace]"You know those lil wafer things u get at church...:jeezits."
[Matt] "Bite sized body of christ"
[Grace] "Once u pop u cant stop"
[Matt] "Now shaped like body parts!"
[Grace] "Baked, not fried"
[Matt] "Collect them all!...put jesus back together!"
[Grace]"Mommy! I got baby gee's head!" ::GRIN::
[Matt] "Jesus by the foot"
[Grace] "Reeses Jesus?"
[Gabby]*reading the hair dye package* "Comb evenly through hair until it becomes frothy"
[Jen] "Dude, at no time should your hair ever be frothy"
"Bruce Willis?!?! If only I were 30 years older..." -A random girl in the DVD section at sam goody
"I like drunk sluts...well, as long as they're not my girlfriends." -Rob
"Isn't that a mormon code? You're straight and you can't have caffine..." -Steph
"I don't need your bag...lets save a plastic tree." -Some lady at sam goody
"Once girls get past 21, and they're no longer drunken sluts, and they're not alcoholics, well then they're ok." -Rob
"Kelly rocks my world...like a pet rock with arms and legs." -Jen
"I think they made that 'hip-hoptionary' so that black people could make fun of white people." -Eric J.
"Gabby has that too...a general 'fuck you' face." -Jen
"I bitch and moan because if I didn't, I'd have to do something about my issue." -Gabby
[Steph] "I bet you put in more than one."
[Jen] "No...I only put in two."
[Jen] "I think we should go to grampa's pancakes for breakfast"
[Lisa] "Its Uncle Bill's and its good as hell!"
[Jen] "Are you hooked on drugs?"
[Gabby] "I do not need jesus and I do not need 'us'."
"Cash??? Johnny Cash....Johnny Carson!!!!" -Gabby
In reference to a cell phone charm that Rose bought for her friend's birthday....
[Annie's mom] "What is it?"
[Rose, Annie's Sister] "Its a...never mind...you wouldn't understand."
[Annie] "I don't even understand!"
"When I close my eyes, I see red white and blue sprinkles...Well happy Ju-fucking-Ly." -My inner monologue
After learning that Alessandra was a valentines day baby....(ya kno...9 months before november...)
[Jen] "Awww...You're a product of love!"
[Michelle] "Or of chocolate."
[Jen] "Why do you have a heimlich manuver poster in your kitchen?"
[Sarah] "Because my cooking is just that bad."
"There's in and out...thats half sex. In out, in out...thats whole sex. See...with you, there was no breakage, and only in, out. Therefore, its only half sex." -Stacy
[Rob] "Do I get to be a woman again?"
[Russ] "No...you're just gay."
[Jen] "This is gonna be illegal"
[Gabby] "Yeah...Yeah it is."
[Jen] “Dude, I don’t think there really IS a secret of life.?
[Sarah] “If people knew about it it wouldn’t be a secret.?
[Jen] “It's not a very good secret if nobody knows about it.?
[Jen] “I’m going to stop the car with my pants.?
[Beth] “Well, you could try but I doubt it would work.?
[Jen] "Aww...leave the kitty alone."
[Steph] "I just wanna beat her...er...pet her."
[Jen] "People never change."
[Cripple] "Dammit! I'm gonna be a loser forever!"
"Oh yeah...boss me around, Butchy!" -A chick on the cartoon network.
[Some guy Rob knows] "You know, there is no 'I' in team."
[Rob] "Yeah well there's no 'team' in Rob."
[Gabby] "So where did she go to college?"
[Steph] "Yeah...the university of some state...um.."
[Jen] "Omaha!"
*after having sex with a soon to be pastor...
[Jen] "So what's it like to see the otherside of god"
[Jackie] "Well, its small...I thought God was supposed to be larger than life."
[Jen] "Why is there crazy music?"
[Steph] "Because its japaneese."
*in reference to the picture up on Gabby's wall...
"She's hot...she's all...primal and...nature-like." -Gabby
[Jen] "If I got a piercing needle, could I pierce you?"
[Gabby] "Um...no."
[Jen} "Why? I'd do it well...er...than a blind person..."
[Jen] "Ok...Game plan: If there's a fire, get the cat out...she's the only one who cares about me..."
[Kris] "I say, if theres a fire, someone should go to wawa and get some marshmallows..."
"Is Barbie anatomically correct??? NO!!! Is Dolly Parton anatomically correct??? NO!!!" -Steph
[Jen] "I think I'll go get a pretzel and lemonade as well."
[Eric J.] "Why didn't you tell me when I went? I could have gotten them for you."
[Jen] "Because I'm a failure."
[Eric J.] "Well atleast you know your flaws."
[Jen] "He wants you to be his booty call and I think that's funny."
[Jackie] "Excuse me! I am no one's booty call....if there is callage of the booty to be done then I will darn right call it!"
"Once you go Jack, you never go back!" -Jen
"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered." -Kelly
"How exactly does one fashizzel a nizzle? Can you fashizzle something else, or just nizzles? And what exactly is a nizzle?" -Steph (aka Wolla)
"Hello I am a shunt and I have no fucking clue what I am." -Elena
[Karl] "So even though you're schizophrenic personality helped you grow and mature spiritually as a person, they're not real?"
[Elena] "No cause you're a fucking psycho."
"50 cent DOES have kid and his name is 25 cent. No...you think I'm joking...its true." -Jen
[Steph] "So I hooked up with Karl last night..."
[Jen] "What?!? How does that work?"
[Steph] "I dunno...I'm so confused."
[Jen] "You are the weirdest lesbian I've ever seen."
"We were making out, and then I stopped and started laughing and he was like 'What's so funny?' and I said 'You have a penis.'" -Steph
"I really LOVE my tractor." -Karl
[Steph] "Why are they drinking wine out of margarita glasses?"
[Karl] "Because they're bigger than normal glasses...why are they drinking out of the bottle? Because they can."
*in reference to the abnormal amounts of doubles scored by Jen in Dr. Mario
"How are you doing this? Did you sell your soul to satan for Dr. Mario?" -Karl
[Jen] "Ladies night on wednesday?? Tomorrows wednesday!!"
[Elena] "Or...the day after."
"So I said 'I can bring out my tractor...'" -How most of Karl's stories start
[Elena] "I was never a child."
*pause*
[Jen] "Ever???"
"Your porch smells like death." -Karl
[Jen] "Still hungry, Gabby? I think that cheeseburger weighed as much as you."
[Gabby] "It just might."
[Elena] "We're not playing pool...its loser pool and its a totally different game."
[Karl] "Yeah...Lena is an expert at all things loser."
"There she goes into the kitchen...to pee on something." -Sarah
"Share the world with someone you love...the world of crab." -An ad on the radio
"It's a bitch, but I can do everything from underneath." - Steph
[Jen] "I got two movies! C'mon Gabby! Let's bond!"
[Gabby] "Yeah...while Steph and Karl 'bond'."
*Jen's Sex and Relationship Advice...
"Ok...so we're going to get a dvd, and watch the movie and you're going to take that boy into the other room and rock his world." -Jen
*After examining a cd rack that Christa bought at work for security purposes...
"Can we say that Russ has felt Christa's rack?"
*Then he played with the knobs on top...
"And now he's playing with her knobs...this is so wrong." -Jen
[Elena] "I'm not really feeling South Street right now."
[Jen] "We're getting Thai food."
[Elena] "Ok...I'll go."
"Hello beeping friend...you're the only friend I have left..." -Elena
"Just because I coordinate my clothes, crochet and have long hair doesn't mean I'm gay." -Karl
"The dildo is prefered by some because there is no cumbersome man attached." -A book in the bookstore
"I like reaffirming people's statements; like, yeah, thats it, yeah, thats right and its true." -Elena
[Karl] "How come all your sentences to me begin with 'fuck you'?"
[Elena] "How come all your sentences begin with 'tractor'?"
[Jen] "You named your computer after Niehls Bohr?"
[Elena] "Hey, when you become a quantum physicist, I'll have a crush on you."
[Jen] "...is that a promise?"
"It's good that we live in an age where there's a token lesbian" --Elena
"Ow...I just stepped on my wrist." -John
"Wow...you have to be pretty slutty to be born with out your virginity." -Karl
"Scarlet Fever is Strep Throat gone terribly, terribly wrong" -Elena
*Steph and Lena on the whole Kissing the ceiling when going through a red/yellow light...
[Elena] "Yeah...I don't understand that."
[Steph] "You add 5 minutes to your sexlife for every yellow light, and 10 minutes for every red light"
[Elena] "Oh...maybe thats whats going on..."
*Which led to...
"Woohoo...I got a yellow light...thats five minutes...*sigh*...Thats all I'm gonna get..." -Elena
[Steph] "I don't know why he couldn't switch with me...I mean, he's a geek! He has no girlfriend and no friends. His day will probably consist of sleeping in late, masturbating and video games!."
[Jen] "Yeah...sounds like a normal day at our apartment too."
[Frank] "So Jen...you hooked up with Gabby yet?"
[Jen] "No."
[Frank] "Tiller?"
[Jen] "No."
[Frank] "So you wanna get with Shana?"
[Jen] "What?"
[Jen] "Steph is going to get naked and stab me."
[Elena] "Right...or rather, coding?"
[Jen] "No...thats literal."
[Elena] "I'm just going to cower in a corner and pretend this isn't happening."
"My computer needs to go to hell and come back working properly." -Gabby
"I am not a party in a box...I am more like, a box in a party." -Will Pett (will Pett what? will pet himself!)
"You are so bizarre...like a russian market place." -Elena
"What happened to you? I have clematis! Good for you." -Jen
"Why is there a giraffe in the living room? Because Steph wanted one." -Jen
*I just thought this was too cool to keep off the quote page...
"But I've got another idea. Fuck everyone you meet. Call the phone numbers on the back of toothpaste boxes and talk to the guy on the other end. Instead of gossiping to your hairstylist about the new guy at work, ask her about herself. Call that crazy uncle everyone hopes doesn't come to the reunions but always does only to get shitfaced in front of the children and puke on the couch and ask him his story. Something tells me he'd happily give it. We'd all happily give it. It's orgasmic. And we can all use a good fuck." -Elena
"I'm a handyman during the week...I get to wear boots and feel burley." -Andrew
*In reference to the Cisco (aptley renamed 'Crisco' wine purchased at the liquor store...
"Yeah...that stuff was pretty nasty. Its a good thing I passed out before I could drink anymore." -Bob
"She was a nice girl until she started stealing from me to buy crack." -Jen Weeks
"This is my friend Stephanie
She wants to learn to play guitar just like me
So that she can learn to write some songs
About Gabby's Technicolor thongs!
-Jen Weeks song
Gabby walks in to hear the last two lines]
Not again! You've been singing about my thongs all
day! -Gabby Maglione
George Bush appears on TV.
[Jen] "There's a monkey!"
[Gabby] "Aw! I thought it was really a monkey! I was
like, "I like monkeys."
[Elena] "I am hungry...I will be back in a moment"
[Jen] "Ok...get me something."
[Elena] "Okay, i'll fax it to you."
[Jen] "No...don't. Last time I faxed some matza I broke the fax machine. It wasn't pretty"
"So what are you going to say? Some guy came up from Georgia and turned your bed into a bondage toy?" -Bob
[Jen] "If I were restrianed I think I'd just gnaw through the ropes."
[Bob] "Well when it gets to that point, the game has gone too far."
"My tits feel squishy..." -Steph
[Bob] "I don't remind anyone of Jesus."
[Jen] "You remind ME of Jesus."
[Bob] "Yeah thats because you're a sick, sick person."
[Steph] "Yeah...you'll like your parents more when you move out too."
[Jen] "No...he's a geek. He'll never really move out."
[Jackie] "Awww...Poor poison bugs..."
[Jen] "No...not really."
[Jacie] "But then, thats like saying, poor crazy russians."
[Jen] "What?"
"I have a psychic ass!" -Michelle
[Steph S.] "What?"
[Steph's Mom] "Is that a hickey on your neck?"
[Steph S.] *Startled* "What??"
[Steph's Mom] "You have a hickey on your neck!! Who
were you making out with??"
[Steph S.] "No one!!! I assure you!!!"
[Steph's Mom] "Was it Paul?"
[Steph S.] *appaled stare* "I swear on my life it wasn't Paul."
[Steph's Mom] "Was it some stranger then?"
[Steph S.] "Mom, really, I have NO idea."
[Steph's Mom] " mmmmm hmmmm."
[Jen] "So wait...you 'popped one on that cat'...that means you fought him, right?"
[Eric] *shakes head in shame and discust*
[Jen] "Fine...wheres the hip-hop-tionary..."
*In reference to the new cd called POP MIX at work...
"You should buy that CD and listen to it over and over and over again, and then slit your throat." -Michelle
*A breakdancer came in and talked to my manager...he understood...I, did not.
[Large Black Man in Sam Goody] "We did the 'hooptie woo' and the 'laadiedaa' and the....
[Jen] "'hooptie woo?' 'Laadiedaa?' Wow...I am way to caucasion for this conversation."
"I'm a messy eater, thats why I'll never be a businessman .... err .... woman.. err" -Steph
[Karl] "I do have nice hair...and I got some khaki's that work with the hat. I love clearance racks...and female racks"
[Jen] "Racks of all kinds."
[Karl] "And Midieval torture racks..."
[Jen] "I like Midieval Torture..."
[Karl] "How about a chick with a big rack wearing
clothes off a clearance rack while strapped to a
medieval torture rack!"
[Jen] "That works."
"Any day is made better by engaging in illegal activity." -Gabby
[Gabby] "I don't think I'll offer him my soul...just in case."
"I don't remember your head being squishy when I met you..." -Jen
[Jen] "Hey Eric..."
[Rob] "He's busy helping someone find something that doesn't exist..."
*How to explain thing to your boss...according to Sarah
"Dear Boss, I lost the office key! Oh Well! Haha! Love Sarah. Dear Sarah, You lost your job! Haha! Oh well. Love, Your Boss." -Sarah
[Grace] "A goth jew?"
[Cheta] "He's not really goth...He works at Jcrew
[Grace] "I was gonna say. I dont think our people make that brand."
[Jen] "Do they have a separate section for stuff that's bad for you?"
[Eric] "Yeah...it's called favorites"
"I pay attention to anything that hits my tits." -Steph
"The difference between Stephie drunk and Stephie high is that Stephie went into the closet to change...further more, Stephie came out of the closet dressed..." -Steph
