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Unfortunately, no official bio of Jay the Newboys Roadie exists, so we had to make one up. So here goes...

The Unofficial, Totally Made-Up, and Excruciatingly Inaccurate Biography of Jay!


Jay was born in 1620 on board the infamous Mayflower during its treacherous journey across the sea to the New World. While records of that day are sketchy at best, an account recorded in the journal of fellow passenger Moses Fletcher indicates that at three months old, young Jay set up a microphone stand for the vessel's chaplain and laid down a crude but effective set list.

Upon the ship's arrival in the Americas, Jay immediately went to work constructing new microphone stands and hunting wild gaff tape in preparation for the memorial concert entitled Plymouth Rocks.

"But wait!" you may cry, fastidious reader. "This would make Jay 381 years old!" And you would be correct. However, this can all be explained.

Thanks to limited evidence, we can safely assume that Jay was abducted from the surface of the Earth by an extraterrestrial intelligence sometime in 1623. Perhaps they recognized his unique talent as a guitar technician, or maybe they just thought his "I Like Audio Adrenaline" shirt was cool. (Who wouldn't?) In any case, it has been suggested that Jay was put into cryogenic freeze for over two centuries, and was delivered back to our world in our greatest hour of need.

In 1975, Jay was deposited in the Dallas/Fort Worth area, and quickly developed hockey hair, a style which remains with him to this day. Soon afterwards, he was taken in by a group of nomadic Sietch ninjas who roamed the countryside in search of the perfect Taco Bell.

Jay's whereabouts while in the company of the Sietches are unknown, although one CIA file relating to the Falkland Islands War does mention "Agent Jay-Roadie," although the true identity of this person is unconfirmed, if he even existed at all.

His next appearance in the historical timeline was 1988, where Jay was sighted at Dodgers Stadium in October, during the first game of the world series. Dodgers bat boy Mercurious Singletary told our reporters in the field that as Kirk Gibson walked out of the dugout to pinch-hit in the bottom of the ninth, Jay quickly gaff-taped the bat to his hand, allowing Gibson to achieve his infamous one-handed swing to win the game for Los Angeles.

So who is this mysterious man? Where did he learn the disciplined art of gaff tape? And how did he come into the service of the Newsboys? The world may never know. But we still like Jay anyway. :)


-- Paul

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