Ten Good Reasons Why
Choosing To Become A Single Parent
Is A Dumb Idea

The following points were developed from the observations I made
during the many decades that I lived as a single person
dealing with women who were single parents.

 

Difficulties Finding a Good Relationship

1. Once an adult or young girl has a child, they become a package deal.
   That package of two is diverse, complex, and demanding. Most potential new partners can see what they are getting into and so realize that it will be far easier for them if they chose someone who is single.

2. Their next partner cannot be selected according to attraction.
   They must be selected according to how much interest they have in someone else's child, whether or not they fit in, and in their interest and ability to adjust to becoming an instant father. They must take on the demanding father role without the bonding a father experiences when the child is born. As well, the potential of a prospective father must somehow be tested out without having the child form an attachment.
   The strength of the relationship between parents is extremely important to a family. It depends on many things, including attraction, the sex life, and personal compatibility. But unfortunately, for the single parent in search of a partner, these things must become of secondary importance.

3. Their next partner will tend to be second rate.
   The better potential partners are smart enough to avoid difficult situations. You might wind up with the kind of guy who will say "It is okay if I get involved with someone new who has five children, just as long as she puts me first." (Yes, that was a real life statement that I heard from a guy I knew, a guy that had been a respected manager.)

4. Their family becomes as strong as their weakest link.
   If it turns out that in some way the child is a difficult child, the new partner must also be willing to tolerate difficult behavior. Unfortunately, as you will see in reasons 5 to 10, children growing up in a single parent situation tend to become difficult. It becomes hard to find a partner who is willing to accept a difficult situation.

 

Parenting as a Single Person

5. When a parent has a problem, the child has a problem.
   In a single parent home, the child must depend on only one parent. When a single parent struggles, regardless of how the parent tries to adapt, the child will tend to sense what is happening. This creates anxious, fearful times for the child. The child is exposed to the serious side of the adult world at a time when they are still developing. This can have a negative impact on their entire life. Children need to relax and feel free to be children.

6. When in need of support, the child does not have a second parent to turn to.
   In the real world, adults sometimes struggle. If an adult is a single parent there will be times when he or she will be upset, will be extremely busy, will not be available emotionally, or (since nobody is perfect) have a real weakness. All these are major problems for a child, unless they have a second parent to go to.

7. It can be very damaging if the child bonds with an adult who is not permanent.
   Single parents must avoid exposing their child to the person they are dating. However, somehow the person they date must be tested to make sure they will fit into the family. It is easy for a needy child to take to someone. When a child bonds with an adult that is not permanent or that their primary care giver stops liking, the child will be torn apart emotionally by the separation.

8. Single parents often fail to recognize the importance of superficial relationships.
   In needy single parent families, children can put a lot of value on a superficial relationship. A parent will tend to ignore this when changes have to be made, changes like moving or like shifting from an old friend to a new one. It is easy for the child to be hurt.

9. When a parent is in crisis, it is extremely difficult to deal properly with their child.
   When grieving over the loss of a relationship or dealing with some other crisis (and single parents tend to run into more than one crisis), the parent is in too much pain to properly deal with the feelings of their own children (who will also be feeling pain and experiencing a crisis).

10. Two parent families give the child much healthier experiences.
    A child will feel more secure simply because they see that there are two parents there. They sense that two parents can cope better than one. Also, the child will experience how two adults can get along, how they settle disagreements, how to give in, how to cooperate, and how to live with differences.

     

    Some argue that two parent families are not good for the child because parents soon fight, create a damaging environment, and eventually they split. So, in many ways the child can be damaged. But the solution is not to become a single parent. It is to either avoid a bad relationship or get help so you can then find a workable relationship. It is important to learn how to make a relationship work before having children. Also, if you have difficulty finding a decent relationship when you are single, keep in mind that it will be twice as hard to find a decent relationship when you are a single parent.

Comments? Questions? Suggestions?

Contact me with E-mail at this-is-still-not-working@go.com

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