I’m feeling very, very depressed right now. Had a long night, made an ass of myself, watched a really depressing movie that was actually less depressing than my life – which just depressed me even more.
I’m giving up music. I can’t pour my soul into that shit any more. I’m giving up performing. I can’t do it, just can’t bring myself to be myself in front of people. Any people. It doesn’t matter, I can’t talk to anyone – my mouth seizes up and my brain stops working. When I’m on stage my hands forget what they’re doing. I just can’t do it! It isn’t me.
I’ve got nothing going for me. No friends worth mentioning, no job, no girl, no confidence… No friends. Wow. I really have nobody, nothing. I have my mind, my laptop… my internet buddies, I have those. Not real people though, just fonts.
I have no accomplishments. I have nothing worth mentioning. I’m not the best at anything, haven’t applied myself anywhere for long enough. In high school I was the lonely little loser boy. Couldn’t talk to anyone then either – just the other fringeys.
I’m wasting myself. I’m wasting myself and I can’t stop. I can't commit to anything, i can't relate to people, I don't listen to my instincts - i hear but i don't listen… i can't bring myself to do anything I know that is useful.
i dunno... i had a bad day... or week... month maybe... a bad trip out west… nah, bad last few years really… childhood wasn't great... been a pretty shitty incarnation over all.
I know what I should be doing, I should be writing. Not even – my writing is a compensation for not being able to speak. I can only communicate through my fingers – might as well disconnect my throat, shut my mouth for good. It would save a lot of anxiety for sure, not being able to talk.
I need to vent! No one to vent to! No one to listen! Just a laptop, just a keyboard. I can’t scream, I can’t cry, just type. It’s all so useless!
This article even… it’s pretty shitty, useless. Who gives a shit? I can swear! No need to fucking censor this shit. I don’t even know how to fucking swear, that’s how useless I am! Why, why do I have to get so anxious? Why can’t I motivate myself to do anything? I have no passion! I have no stirring within myself. A lot of potential but zilch on passion. I need fire! I need heat! I need impulse, drive, motion in my essence. I’m stagnating in the basement hellhole. I’m drifting against my wishes. I’m following everyone else’s needs, not my own!
But what the hell are my own needs? What do I want? I’m so clouded with other points of view that it doesn’t make any sense to me! Do I REALLY want to get married? Do I REALLY want to be social? Do I REALLY want – I don’t know what I want! Do I even want anything?
I just want to be left alone! No snoring at nights, no talking during the day, no being forced into social situations, no people. I want a barren fucking wasteland. I want SOLITUDE. I want to be COMPLETELY ALONE!!!! No mother, no brother, no uncle, no aunt, no friends, no family, no people at all. I’ve never had complete anonymity, never complete aloneness. I don’t know how I would cope, if I would enjoy it or be lost. If I broke all connections, every last one, went somewhere completely isolated…
It’s just the depression talking. Wait – JUST the depression talking? I can learn something here, I can pick something up here. This is ME coming through, a part of me – not all of me. This part of me wants all the shit in this world to GO AWAY. I don’t want to be cold any more. I don’t want to worry about water or think about making too much noise, or deal with sleepers and waker-upers, don’t want to have intrusions of any kind, don’t want to have any way of intruding. I just want EVERYONE to GO THE FUCK AWAY!!!!!
I can’t take this shit! I can’t deal with this crap any more. This fucking society has no place for me. These people have no fucking use for me. I don’t belong, I’m not wanted, I’m not desired…
What a fucking joke. Is this supposed to be funny? I’m not laughing cus it’s funny, I’m laughing ‘cus it’s pathetic, that’s what this is. I’m pathetic! I don’t even know what the word means really. I’ve heard it so many times, but never learned what it means.
Pathetic: Arousing or capable of arousing sympathetic sadness and compassion: “The old, rather shabby room struck her as extraordinarily pathetic” (John Galsworthy).
That would imply, I guess, that I can reach people with my sadness and call out compassion – which I can’t, because I lack an audience, and I lack charisma. I also lack the will to evoke those emotions. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me! I don’t want people to be brought down to this level of sadness and depression, bordering on despair. I don’t even want me to be here. I want to go HOME but I don’t have a fucking home! This… this is my home. This filthy room in a dirty basement in a sketchy part of a hopeful part of a friendly country. This isn’t my REAL home though. I’ve seen my real home, my sanctuary. I can’t find it though. I’ve seen isolation, yearned for it, but never actually got it.
I WANT TO BE FREE! I want to GET OUT OF THIS LIFE, of this BODY, of this existance I am forced to live! I can’t DO this any more! I can’t be here, I can’t be clear, I can’t keep ranting until the pain goes away, cus I’ll keep writing forever if I do. Well, I need the practice… maybe this isn’t such a bad thing. Got my fingers moving, got my brain working, got my progress existant… no one’s gonna read this – I’ll probably never even look at it. At least, not this far down. It’s safe! I’m safe here. I’m safe at the bottom of this page, where no one will look for me. I think I’m going to lay here, expose myself just for a moment. No one will know, know one will see, but I’ll feel good knowing did it!
