Nursing-Home Residents Mate In Captivity
COLBY, KS—Following six months of failed attempts under intense observation by geriatric scientists, Briarwood Nursing Home residents Horace Klass, 86, and Helen Veukmaan, 83, successfully mated in captivity Monday. "As with most new arrivals to Briarwood, Horace and Helen at first seemed despondent," Briarwood's Dr. William Stander said. "Before long, though, they grew accustomed to their new habitat, and Horace soon felt comfortable enough to approach Helen. Indeed, Horace ultimately proved quite aggressive." Briarwood employees report that, after mating, Klass provided Veukmaan with half a box of windmill cookies.
Girlfriend Dumped After Forwarding Stupid Link
GREAT FALLS, MT—Amanda Manis was dumped Monday after forwarding boyfriend Anthony Madrid a link for the humor web site LunaticLobsters.com. "I was convinced that I had found my soulmate, my kindred spirit, the woman I could grow old with," Madrid said. "Then, out of nowhere, Mandy e-mails me this stupid link. When I saw those Flash-animation cartoons, I knew it was over." Madrid has previously dumped girlfriends for owning roller blades, buying Vegemite, and watching Craig Kilborn.
U.S. Invades Non-Oil-Rich Nation To Dispel Criticism
LUXEMBOURG VILLE, LUXEMBOURG—In an effort to quiet criticism of U.S. military policy, 50,000 U.S. troops invaded and soundly defeated the non-oil-rich Grand Duchy of Luxembourg Monday. "Once again, the U.S. claims victory over a rogue nation," said President Bush after the 45-minute war. "The people of Luxembourg, although prosperous and living in peace, have suffered under the tyranny of a monarchy for centuries. And allow me to point out that Luxembourg has not one drop of crude oil." Troops will return home Friday, following the public hanging of Grand Duke Henri de Luxembourg.
Defecit-Wracked Maryland Calls It Quits
ANNAPOLIS, MD—Citing mounting debt and a decline in tourism dollars, the state of Maryland will shut down for good on August 31, Maryland Gov. Robert L. Ehrlich Jr. told reporters Monday.
Above: A Baltimore-area interstate.
"I would like to sincerely thank everyone who has ever lived in or visited the great state of Maryland," Ehrlich said at a press conference held on the steps of a boarded-up Capitol Building. "You are the people who have made this such a wonderful place. Maryland will live on in the fond memories of each of you, even as we liquidate the state's assets."
Ratified as the seventh state in 1788, Maryland has been a favorite haunt for a devoted group of fans. In addition to being the home of the Annapolis U.S. Naval Academy, Maryland is the birthplace of such notable Americans as surveyor Benjamin Banneker, singer Billie Holiday, baseball legend Babe Ruth, and former Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall.
In spite of its rich history, Maryland has struggled with mounting debt since the '90s, as tourism and tax revenues failed to keep pace with rising expenses. The state has for years fought what many insiders considered a losing battle.
"We had a good run, but we just can't do it anymore," Ehrlich said. "The bad economy, increased spending on homeland security, and an increasing Medicaid bill were the final nails in Maryland's coffin. We are simply losing too much money to keep the borders open."
Ehrlich promised that Maryland would not shut down operations until the last day of August, giving longtime fans of the Old Line State an opportunity to visit.
"We wanted to give people a chance to say goodbye," Ehrlich said. "Since the rumors of a state shutdown began, I have received thousands of letters and small donations from people all over the country. This means so much—more than you can ever know—but despite all the love and devotion, I'm afraid it's just not going to happen."
Ehrlich told the crowd that he did everything he could to keep Maryland open, but in the end no effort proved successful.
"I made across-the-board budget cuts, restructured all of our social services, effected hiring freezes, and emptied out the state's rainy-day fund," Ehrlich said. "The last decade has just been exhausting. As much as I love Maryland, I can't say that I'm going to miss the 18-hour days trying to keep this state afloat."
Ehrlich said he received offers to buy out Maryland, but the bids were rejected.
"We had a deal with New Mexico that could have saved us, but it fell through," Ehrlich said. "The things [New Mexico Gov.] Bill Richardson wanted to change when he took over went against everything Maryland is all about. Rather than severely compromise our state, we decided instead to pass."
On Sept. 1, the government of Maryland will disband and all state employees will be laid off, a situation Ehrlich calls "extremely regrettable."
"Many of these workers have been in Maryland all their lives," Ehrlich said. "These folks are like family to me. In fact, some actually are family. The people are why we held on to statehood as long as we did."
Although current residents of Maryland will be allowed to stay in the state until they can arrange to relocate, they must do so without government services. Experts predict the state will become a vast vacant lot within five years.
In order to offset some of the debt accrued over the last few decades, Maryland is selling its assets, announcing that "everything must go" before the state closes. The most sought-after items to be auctioned off include the original first draft of "The Star-Spangled Banner," written by Maryland native Francis Scott Key.
The rights to Maryland's state flag, bird, and motto are also being sold to the highest bidder.
"Secret [brand antiperspirant] has put in a substantial bid for our motto, Fatti maschii, parole femine, which means 'Manly Deeds, Womanly Words,'" Ehrlich said. "I also think that Nevada might buy the rights to our state sport, jousting. When we sell the rights to our state song, 'Maryland, My Maryland,' that's when it's going to hit me that it's finally over."
For many longtime fans of Maryland, the closing strikes a deep emotional chord.
"It's just a shame," said Gene Tupper, a resident of Maryland since 1955. "I don't think anyone will really understand what it was like to visit the historic Antietam National Battlefield or walk along beautiful Chesapeake Bay back in the prime years. I guess all great things have to end sometime."
Many fans of the state said they hope someone purchases and revitalizes Maryland before it falls into disrepair.
"I don't want what happened to Oregon to happen here," said Jane Renski, a Maryland resident. "We drove by the place a few years ago and it was totally abandoned— really eerie. The whole state was infested with raccoons."
Chuckling Cops Attempt To Imitate Sound Of Man Being Hit By Taxi
CHICAGO—After witnessing a fatal hit-and-run accident Tuesday, Chicago police officers Ed Malloy and Ron Garrity attempted to replicate the sound of a man being hit by a taxi. "First, there was the aiiigh, then a fa-wumpp ba-bumpp," Malloy said, stifling laughter. "Then, when he was bleeding from his mouth, he kind of went ggrrgg blibb-blibb." Garrity disagreed, saying the impact "sounded more like a tha-loomp poompf." Malloy said it was the funniest on-the-job incident since that junkie was stabbed in the ass.
Man Not Sure What To Do About Vet's Request For Dog-Urine Sample
MISSOULA, MT—Dog owner Darryl Burkhard, 36, said Tuesday that he is unsure how to fulfill his veterinarian's orders to extract a urine sample from ailing cocker spaniel Sneakers. "The vet just casually asked me to bring in a sample, like I'd automatically know how to do that," Burkhard said. "Do I take Sneakers for a walk and then stick a cup under him at just the right moment? Or do I, like, fasten a cup to his genitals with a belt and wait for him to eventually go? Either way, I'm probably looking at some sort of really unpleasant dog-piss-related situation."
Sheryl Crow Unsuccessful; War On Iraq Begins
WASHINGTON, DC—In spite of recording artist Sheryl Crow's strong protestations, including the wearing of a "No War" guitar strap, the U.S. went to war with Iraq last week. "Making the decision to go to war is never easy, but it's that much harder when you know Sheryl Crow disapproves," White House press secretary Ari Fleischer said at a press conference Monday. "It is this administration's sincerest hope that it can one day regain the support and trust of the woman behind such hits as 'All I Wanna Do' and 'Soak Up The Sun.'" Fleischer issued similar apologies to Martin Sheen, Janeane Garofalo, and Nelly.
U.S. Continues Proud Tradition Of Diversity On Front Lines
CAMP COYOTE, KUWAIT—With blacks and Hispanics comprising more than 60 percent of the Army's ground forces in Iraq, the U.S. military is continuing its long, proud tradition of multiculturalism on the front lines of war. "Though racism and discrimination remain problems in society at large, in the military—especially in the lower ranks where you find the cannon fodder—a spirit of inclusiveness has prevailed for decades," Gen. Jim White said Monday. "When it comes to having your head blown off by enemy fire, America is truly colorblind."
Pepsi CEO's Wife Buys Coke When She's Mad At Him
PURCHASE, NY— Mary Reinemund, wife of Pepsico CEO Steven S. Reinemund, passive-aggressively buys Coca-Cola products whenever she is angry at her husband. "Last Wednesday, Steve worked late on their anniversary," said Bea Vance, the Reinemunds' housekeeper. "Sure enough, the next day, there's a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke in the fridge." Vance added that in the summer of 1999, during "an especially rough time" in the Reinemunds' marriage, Mary was often seen wearing a promotional Sprite sun visor.
Indian-American Child Having Difficulty Finding Bicycle License Plate With His Name On It
HAYWARD, CA— Dinesh Parekh, 9, continues to struggle to find a bicycle license plate with his name on it, the Indian-American child reported Monday. "This is the third store I've checked today," said a dejected Parekh, exiting a Toys "R" Us near his Hayward home. "Derrick, Diane, Dillon and Dylan, Dirk... no Dinesh." Parekh, who has pedaled his brand-new Schwinn to more than a dozen stores during his three-week search, said he plans to ask his mother to drive him to the KB Toys in San Leandro next weekend.
Laid-Off Zoologist Goes On Tranquilizing Rampage
SAN DIEGO—Twelve San Diego Zoo visitors and two employees were brutally sedated Monday, when laid-off zoologist Dr. Brian Vermeer, 41, returned to his former place of work armed with a tranquilizer gun and began firing into a crowd. "It was kind of horrible," said Maria Christopher, 44, who witnessed the tranquilizing spree. "People were gently falling asleep over the course of 20 to 30 seconds everywhere." The spree ended when Vermeer turned his gun on himself, knocking himself out for half an hour.
Real World Producers Still Looking To Fill Eating-Disorder Slot
VAN NUYS, CA—Jonathan Murray, co-executive producer of the MTV reality series The Real World, reported Monday that with just weeks to go before shooting begins, the eating-disorder slot for the cast of Real World 13: Paris remains unfilled. "We're still trying to find a hot young bulimic or anorexic, ideally with bisexual leanings," Murray said. "We found a woman who was perfect, except she was Asian, and we already had our non-black minority slot filled." Murray said that as a last resort, he has a perky blonde sexual-abuse victim ready to go.
Teen Stops Masturbating Long Enough To Save Family From Fire
PANAMA CITY, FL—Tragedy was narrowly averted Tuesday, when local 14-year-old Andy Foss suspended his usual non-stop autoerotic stimulation just long enough to drag unconscious family members from the fire consuming their home. "Apparently, Andy's parents, brother, and two sisters were rendered unconscious by smoke and fumes engulfing the house," Panama City fire chief Bill Engel said. "They would have surely perished, had this remarkable young man not heroically torn himself away from masturbation long enough to drag them to safety." Upon the fire department's arrival, Foss reportedly requested an extra blanket.
Nothing Going Right For Area Surgeon Today
NEW YORK—Dr. Sidney Kramer, chief of cardiac surgery at Lenox Hill Hospital, is having "one of those days," he confided to a colleague Monday. "I don't know if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning or what, but I've been Mr. Butterfingers today," Kramer, 51, told anesthesiologist Allan Chang following "the heart transplant from hell." "Somebody shoulda locked up those scalpels and hid the key from me. Yikes. Oh, well, guess there's always tomorrow."
Area Cat Allergic To Kevin Strenlow Dander
PROVO, UT—Area housecat Tibbles, 3, has an intolerance to the dander of owner Kevin Strenlow, sources reported Monday. "Tibbles can't get too close to Kevin or he'll start sneezing terribly," said Deborah Brandt, Tibbles' personal veterinarian. "Those flakes of dead skin that fall off Kevin really bother him." Brandt recommended that Tibbles buy a special human shampoo that should alleviate the problem if massaged into Strenlow's scalp while he is held down.
Thousands Dead In Indonesia Again
JAKARTA, INDONESIA—Several days of relative calm in Indonesia came to an end Friday when a massive volcanic eruption buried most of Jakarta, killing thousands of Indonesians yet again. "I had a feeling we were due for another mass death," said Manu Palopo of Jakarta. "There hadn't been a disaster since last Wednesday, when that train derailed, killing 513. And it had been nearly a month since we'd had an earthquake, typhoon, or some other natural disaster that killed more than 1,000." A public memorial service for volcano victims turned tragic when an unexpectedly large turnout caused hundreds to be trampled to death.
Customer Awkwardly Accepts One Cent, Receipt
BERKELEY, CA—Coffeehouse patron Lenny Niyo awkwardly accepted one cent and a receipt Wednesday after purchasing a $1.99 biscotti. "It made me feel kind of cheap, standing there waiting for six or seven seconds while the receipt printed out and the cashier put away my singles and got the penny, but it would have looked weird if I'd just walked away, too," Niyo said. "It's not like I wanted the receipt. I was confident the biscotti would work out fine." Niyo has reportedly not been this humiliated in a food-service environment since May 1998, when a waiter told him to enjoy his meal and he replied, "You, too."
Magic-Markered Initials Fail To Deter Breakroom Rice-Cake Thief
FRESNO, CA—,Despite clearly marking her initials on her rice-cake bag in black Magic Marker, secretary Elaine Fahey was once again the victim of I&G Marketing's breakroom rice-cake thief Friday. "Whoever's doing this really needs to learn about something called a supermarket," said Fahey, who has lost one strawberry and three caramel-apple rice cakes to the thief this month. "Rice cakes aren't free, you know." Fahey said she plans to take harsher security measures, including a Post-It note on the bag reading, "These are my rice cakes... Please get your own!!!"
Indian Teen Caught Playing Air Sitar
HYDERABAD, INDIA—Rajesh Gopalakrishnan, 15, was deeply embarrassed Monday when his sister and her friend barged in on him as he played air sitar in his room. "Don't you know how to knock?" said a red-faced Gopalakrishnan, who was caught sitting cross-legged in front of his mirror, imitating Ravi Shankar while the sitar god's classic 1973 Ragas album played loudly. "The door is closed for a reason! Shiva." Gopalak-rishnan, who also ran his hands through his hair and mimed a ferocious tabla solo before being interrupted, later added: "Arundhati Shridhar, the girl to whom I am promised for marriage, just saw me acting like a fool. I'm so humiliated, I could move on to my next life."
Letter From Employer Thankfully Omits Balls-Copying Incident
SAN FRANCISCO—Randall Konerko, a 39-year-old database administrator looking for a new job in the field, was relieved to learn Monday that a letter of recommendation from his former employer makes no reference to the Dec. 11 balls-copying incident that led to his dismissal. "Whew, that's a relief," said Konerko after an interview with Luminant Worldwide. "I was sure Mr. Alland would mention that whole thing, but, mercifully, he didn't." Konerko has made a promise to himself never to engage in testicular Xeroxing, even if it's 2 a.m. and the office seems to be completely empty.
Coworker Suicide Fails To Shatter Office
WORCESTER, MA—Last weekend's suicide of Sentinel Management Solutions employee Tom Blundell has failed to shatter the management-consulting firm's office, sources reported Tuesday. "It's truly tragic, and our hearts go out to his loved ones," Sentinel Management Solutions president Karl Steig said Monday. "In the wake of such a shocking and violent event, however, it's important for life to go on as normally as possible. That's why we decided to keep the office open today."Found dead in his apartment Saturday from what investigators determined to be a self-administered gunshot wound to the head, Blundell had worked at SMS for nearly three years as a data-entry clerk, with occasional weekend duties assisting the customer-service department. Though only two other data-entry-department employees surpassed him in seniority, Blundell was recalled by coworkers as a "recent hire" whom they never got to know particularly well. "As hard as this has been on everyone at SMS, this has to be even harder on his family," human-resources coordinator Carol Wiese said. "Assuming he had a family, that is. I'm honestly not sure. If he had a wife and kids, he never mentioned it. And he had no dependents on his health insurance. On his employee record, he lists his father as his next of kin, so hopefully the police have contacted him already."According to Steig, the suicide was wholly unexpected."We had no idea he was troubled," Steig said. "He kept to himself a lot and didn't really interact with coworkers much. Maybe if he'd reached out to us more he would have felt less alone, but sometimes that's hard for new people."Jon Hanschel, a customer-service representative who occasionally worked alongside Blundell, tried to recall the last time he saw him."It was two Saturdays ago," Hanschel said. "Or maybe the one before that. I could check the November schedule. No, forget it—that got thrown away. Anyway, whichever Saturday it was, I'm pretty sure he was here that day, because I could see the back of a guy's head from my desk, and I'm almost positive it was him."Hanschel was among the few SMS employees willing to speak publicly about the suicide. Most declined comment, preferring to cope with the tragedy by immersing themselves in their work.On Tuesday afternoon, Steig spoke with SMS office manager Joseph Chen about the possibility of retaining the services of an on-site grief counselor to help workers deal with their bereavement."Karl asked me, 'How's everyone doing?' and I said, 'Pretty well, considering,'" Chen said. "Actually, very well. I told him hiring a grief counselor probably wouldn't be necessary. A couple of people who worked directly with Tom were kind of shaken up Monday, but they all seem much better today.""Maybe next week, the shock will finally start to sink in," Chen said. "Sometimes with these things, there's a period of numbness and disbelief before the pain starts. Then again, maybe the shock of this suicide will never be felt."Determined to soldier on in Blundell's absence, SMS has decided not to cancel or even postpone its holiday party, which is scheduled for this Friday—the same day as Blundell's memorial service. An office-wide e-mail written Monday by Chen reflects the company's determination to move forward."Employees who wish to attend Tom Blundell's 5 p.m. memorial service may do so without punching out, but the office holiday party will still start at 6 p.m. sharp," the e-mail read. "Sentinel Management Solutions: providing effective, affordable management consultation for businesses large and small since 1984. Do not reply to this message."
FBI: Six Dead Not Really 'Mass' Murder
WASHINGTON, DC—Addressing reporters about the ritual slaying of six cheerleaders at a Frankfort, KY, high school, FBI director Robert Mueller clarified that the body count does not seem high enough to qualify as "mass" murder. "I don't know if there's an official minimum, but I always imagined 'mass' was more like 15 or 20," Mueller said. "Charles Whitman, now there was a mass murderer." Mueller added that in spite of their modest scale, the killings "were still pretty bad."
How Was Local Man To Know Carol Channing's Niece Was Around?
SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Well, Jesus, is area resident Richard Pauling, 43, never supposed to crack jokes about anyone at a party because, by some freakish coincidence, their niece might actually wind up being in earshot and get pissed off? "All I did was make a humorous remark about actress Carol Channing's advanced age that involved speculation regarding the dryness of her nether regions, and suddenly I'm Hitler," Pauling said. "Shit."
Defiant Customers Refuse To Return Recalled Crib
RESTON, VA—More than 4,000 purchasers of the Babco KidSleeper crib, recalled last week amid safety concerns, are defiantly refusing to return the crib for a replacement or refund. "No way in hell am I assembling another crib," said parent Carl Bleier, 33, of Reston, VA. "If they want the thing back, too bad—it's their own damn fault for not making it right the first time." Bleier said he hopes his 14-month-old daughter Alexa gets her head stuck between the bars so he can sue their asses.
Jesus Surprises 700 Club With Walk-On Appearance
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Monday's episode of the popular Christian-affairs program The 700 Club featured a surprise walk-on by Jesus Christ, who dropped by the set and chatted briefly with host Pat Robertson. "Pat, I can't stay long, but I just wanted to swing by and say hello to you and the whole 700 Club gang," Christ told Robertson. "I love the show—it's just terrific in My sight. And, hey, how about this audience?" The 130 Christ fans in attendance then gave enthusiastic applause unto Him.
Infant Doing Everything In Her Power To Save Relationship
BOSTON—Eight-month-old Courtney Brindle is trying her best to save her parents' crumbling marriage, the infant reported Monday. "I put in a good hour today grabbing Daddy's finger, which I think made him feel closer to me and, by extension, to Mommy," Brindle said. "But my real dilemma is, is it better to provide lots of cute moments to fill the house with a feeling of warmth and love, or should I suffer constant health problems to unite them in fear? I can't do both."
85 Percent Of U.S. Cole Slaw Remains Uneaten
WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Monday by the Department of Sides and Garnishes, 85 percent of U.S. cole slaw is never consumed. "Extensive surveying of restaurant bus tubs and waste bins indicates that for every 120 tons of slaw produced, only 18 tons end up being eaten," the study reported. The study focused exclusively on U.S. restaurants, as there is no evidence that anyone has ever made cole slaw for home consumption.
Supreme Court Makes Pact To Lose Virginity By End Of Year
WASHINGTON, DC—By an 8-1 vote Monday, the members of the U.S. Supreme Court collectively resolved to lose their virginity by Dec. 31, 2002. "Whereas neither this judicial body, nor the bodies of any of its nine members, has ever been touched in an intimate manner, it is wholly appropriate for us to become men and women via acts of sexual congress, and this on a deadline described by the completion of the year 2002," wrote Justice Anthony Kennedy, voicing the majority opinion. "The only caveat is: There are no caveats."The pact was first proposed on Oct. 23, when Kennedy and Justice Antonin Scalia were bullied by a coalition of prominent congressional jocks led by Sen. Jim Bunning (R-KY)."The legislators in question were stepping on our robes and coughing the word 'fag' and carrying out a variety of other acts that, while not unconstitutional, would unequivocally be construed as mean," Kennedy said. "The final straw came when Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME) told me she thought I was cute and said to meet her at the Jefferson Memorial dressed as a cowboy so we could make out."After complying with Collins' request, Kennedy was ambushed and pelted with eggs by several assailants, including Collins herself, who walked off holding hands with Rep. Tom Osborne (R-NE)."She laughed and said, 'So long, virgin! Have a nice night with Mr. Right Hand,'" Kennedy said. "After that, I decided I'd had enough. It was time to take action."The court decided to move forward with the pact later that evening when, during a late-night bonding session, Chief Justice William Rehnquist admitted to being a virgin—shattering longtime perceptions that he is the worldliest and most experienced member of the court."Hearing that Big Willie had never buried the gavel was a key turning point," Justice David Souter said. "It opened up our eyes and made us see how we were not alone, after all. After a period of deliberation, we arrived at a majority opinion that if we all worked together, we could overcome our nervousness and actually get laid.""Hey, everybody!" Souter added. "We're all gonna get laid!"The lone dissenting vote, cast by Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, came as a surprise to many, given her long track record of defending personal liberties. Washington Post judicial reporter James Klingler theorized that the vote may represent an attempt on Ginsburg's part to prevent Scalia from coupling with another woman."I'm not at liberty to name names, but a certain Supreme Court justice recently informed me that Ginsburg confided in her that she 'totally loves' Scalia," Klingler said. "This, I believe, is the reason she voted against the pact. But while, on its surface, this pact would seem to drive Ginsburg and Scalia further apart, it may well be the very thing that brings them together. Perhaps during a particularly long and difficult get-laid strategy session, Justice Ginsburg will remove her glasses and rub her tired eyes, prompting Justice Scalia to finally see the beautiful woman beneath that hard liberal exterior."The first major test case for the pact will take place this weekend at a Judicial Branch/Daughters of the American Revolution mixer, which Justice John Paul Stevens said will be attended by some "really slutty girls" he knows from law school."Under penalty of perjury, I swear to God, there is this one chick who is completely hot for Souter," Stevens said. "She personally attested to this fact during a conversation I recently overheard that I am not at liberty to discuss in any detail. Saturday is his night, man."Subsequent opportunities are expected to arise at a pool party Supreme Court Marshal Pamela Talkin is slated to throw at the Alexandria Radisson over Thanksgiving break, as well as at the Judicial Branch Big Beach Bonfire on Dec. 14.Stephen "Pee-Wee" Breyer, the most recently sworn-in justice, reported being nervous about the impending virginity loss. A close confidant, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that a trembling Breyer recently asked him, "Gee, getting it on with a real girl—what do I do? "Not all of the justices admit to being so nervous, however. Asked to assess his prospects for losing his virginity within the next two months, a confident Scalia lifted his judicial robe and quipped, "Res ipsa loquitur."
Linebacker Faces Suspension For Genocide
MINNEAPOLIS—In the latest legal complication for an NFL player, Minnesota Vikings linebacker Antwone Evans may receive a fine and possibly even a suspension for his role in the mass slaughter of the Lithuanian people in a Sunday pogrom. "In cruelly rounding up and exterminating more than three million Lithuanian men, women, and children, Evans seriously violated the behavior standard to which we hold all our employees," said NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue. "We are currently deliberating on whether to suspend him pending the verdict of his U.N. tribunal."
Logo In Corner Of TV Reminds Man He's Masturbating To The Spice Channel
FRANKLIN, VT—A logo in the lower-right-hand corner of his TV screen helped remind Peter Brighton that he was masturbating to the Spice channel Monday. "Ah, so it's Spice that's presenting this quality softcore pornography that I am enjoying so much," said Brighton during his autoerotic act. "I will be sure to keep Spice in mind when looking to stimulate myself to ejaculation in the future."
Defense Department Typo Results In U.S. Attack On Ira
ARLINGTON, VA—The U.S. Defense Department apologized to Skokie, IL, dentist Ira Nussbaum Tuesday following a bombing campaign aimed at removing the 37-year-old from power. "Apparently, the intelligence source who drafted the attack plan against Iraq failed to strike the 'Q' key hard enough," Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said. "The 'Q' was always a little stubborn on that keyboard. Sorry." This marks the first military action taken against Nussbaum since a malfunctioning shift key prompted Ulster Unionists to detonate his Ford Taurus in 1998.
New-Versus-Old Electric-Slide Confusion Blamed In Wedding-Reception Pileup
MALDEN, MA—Twelve wedding guests were critically injured Saturday night in a dance-floor pileup blamed on new-versus-old Electric Slide confusion. "The DJ called for the Electric Slide without specifying which, and when the 'old' Sliders slid to the right, they collided violently with the stationary, hip-shaking 'new' Sliders," paramedic Laura Denison said. "By the fifth bar, the dance floor was a gruesome tangle of bodies." In the wake of the tragedy, the American Association of Disc Jockeys released a statement urging all DJs to specify which Electric Slide they are calling for at any future weddings, retirement parties, and bar mitzvahs.
Fun Toy Banned Because of Three Stupid Dead Kids
WASHINGTON, DC—In cooperation with the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, Wizco Toys of Montclair, NJ, recalled 245,000 Aqua Assault RoboFighters Monday after three dumb kids managed to kill themselves playing with the popular toy, ruining the fun for everybody else.
"The tragedy is inconceivable," Wizco president Alvin Cassidy said. "For years, countless children played with the Aqua Assault RoboFighter without incident. But then these three retards come along and somehow find a way to get themselves killed. So now we have to do a full recall and halt production on what was a really awesome toy. What a waste."
"My mom won't let me play with my RoboFighter because of those dumb kids who died," said 10-year-old Jeremy Daigle of Somerville, MA. "I used to set up army guys around the RoboFighter and have it run over them and conquer Earth for the Zardaxians. But now I'll never see it again, all because three stupid idiots had to go and wreck everything."
Each of the deaths was determined to be the result of gross misuse of the toy, an incredibly cool device that could shoot both plastic missiles and long jets of water, as well as maneuver over the ground on retractable wheels.
The first death occurred June 22, when 7-year-old Isaac Weiller of Grand Junction, CO, died after deliberately firing one of the spring-loaded plastic missiles into his left nostril. The missile shot into his sinuses, shattering the roof of his nasal cavity and causing a massive brain hemorrhage.
Shortly before dying, Weiller told emergency medical personnel at St. Luke's Medical Center that he had shot the missile into his nose in the belief that it would travel through his body and out his belly button.
"I've heard some pretty stupid shit in my time, but that has to take the cake," said Dr. Anderson Hunt, the attending physician. "Why would any kid think he could fire plastic missiles up his nose and expect them to come out his belly button? There's no point in feeling bad about this child's demise, because the deck was obviously stacked against him from the start. What we should feel bad about is the fact that because of him, millions of other children will no longer get to fire the RoboFighter's super-cool Devastator Missiles or soak their friends with its FunFoam WaterBlasters."
Above: Joshua Schatzeder of Grand Rapids, MI, is forced to play with a boring little fire truck as a result of the recall.
Less than one month after Weiller's death, 5-year-old Danielle Krug fatally suffocated on fragments of the toy after repeatedly smashing it with a claw hammer in the garage of her parents' La Porte, IN, home.
"I'm not kidding," said Dianne Ensor, an emergency-room nurse at Our Lady Of Peace Hospital in La Porte, where Krug was pronounced dead. "She thought the broken shards were candy. That's what you'd assume after breaking a plastic, inedible toy, right? Absolutely un-fucking-believable."
The third and arguably stupidest death occurred August 12, when 11-year-old dumbass Michael Torres held the RoboFighter above his head and jumped off the balcony of his family's third-story Torrance, CA, apartment, thinking he would be able to fly like Superman.
"A couple of my fellow emergency workers thought we should cut the kid some slack, because at least he wasn't trying to eat the toy or shove it up his nose," said paramedic Debra Lindfors, who tried in vain to revive Torres. "I considered this for a while, but then I decided no. No way. If you're 11 years old, you should know that it's impossible to fly. And poor Wizco's probably going to go bankrupt because of this shit."
As a result of the extreme idiocy of the three children, the CPSC was forced to order Wizco to stop making the toy and remove it from store shelves, as well as recommend that parents remove it from their homes.
"I know the overwhelming majority of American kids who owned an Aqua Assault RoboFighter derived many hours of safe, responsible fun from it," CPSC commissioner Mary Sheila Gall said. "But, statistically speaking, three deaths stemming from contact with a particular toy constitutes an 'unreasonable risk.' Look, I'm really sorry about this. Honestly. But our agency's job is to protect the public from hazardous products, even if those who die are morons who deserved what they got."
Communists Now Least Threatening Group In U.S
WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Monday by the Pentagon, Communists rank last on a list of 238 threats to national security. "Communists may now safely be ignored," Secretary of Defense William Cohen said. "The Red Menace has been surpassed by militia groups, religious extremists, ecoterrorists, cybercriminals, Hollywood producers, and angry drivers." Other groups deemed more threatening than Communists include rap-metal bands (#96), escaped zoo animals (#202), and Belgians (#237).
Gay Gene Isolated, Ostracized
BALTIMORE—On Friday, scientists at Johns Hopkins University isolated the gene which causes homosexuality in human males, promptly separating it from normal, heterosexual genes. "I had suspected that gene was queer for a long time now. There was just something not quite right about it," team leader Dr. Norbert Reynolds said. "It's a good thing we isolated it—I wouldn't want that faggot-ass gene messing with the straight ones." Among the factors Reynolds cited as evidence of the gene's gayness were its pinkish hue, meticulously frilly perimeter, and faint but distinct perfume-like odor.
Man Who Actually Needs Grey Poupon Unable To Bring Self To Ask
ABERDEEN, MD—Sophie's Sandwich Shop patron Louis Worth, a longtime user of Grey Poupon dijon mustard, could not bring himself to ask for the product Thursday when he actually needed it. "There's usually a bottle on one of the tables, but this time there wasn't," Worth said. "I actually said 'Pardon me' to the guy behind the counter, but then stopped in my tracks. I realized that if I actually asked, the guy would probably act all funny and say, 'But, of course,' in a rich-guy voice. So I just ate my turkey sandwich without it."
Man Not Exactly Sure Why Doctor Needed Him Undressed For That
OREM, UT—A routine visit to the doctor ended in confusion Monday when Ray Lyons was asked to undress for an examination that did not seem to require disrobing. "He asked me about my smoking and my sleep patterns and stuff, then he looked in my ears and throat and checked my heartbeat with his stethoscope, and that was it," the baffled, nude Lyons said. "Would having my pants on somehow affect my heartbeat?"
Near-Death Experience Followed By Right-On-The-Money Death Experience
PORTLAND, OR—A near-death experience was followed by one of the right-on-the-money variety Sunday, when local mechanic Gabe Hoover narrowly averted fatally choking on a chicken bone, only to be run over by a city bus later the same day. "As I began to lose consciousness from the lack of oxygen, I saw a bright, welcoming light, and I heard a voice calling out to me that sounded like my deceased mother," said Hoover, describing his near-death experience an hour before being struck dead. "I felt incredibly at peace, but then, suddenly, another voice told me to go back, saying I wasn't finished with my work on Earth." Hoover continued his work on Earth for another 64 minutes, at which point he hit the death nail right on the head, walking swiftly and directly into the light.
6-Year-Old Announces Plans To Become Ballerina Gymnast Veterinarian Horseback-Riding Princess
MILESBURG, PA—In a pre-bedtime announcement before family members Monday, area 6-year-old Stephanie Ambrose unveiled plans to become a ballerina gymnast veterinarian horseback-riding princess when she grows up. "Ashley is very much interested in that particular field," said Patricia Ambrose, the girl's mother. "But she's still keeping her options open and strongly considering becoming an astronaut actress president basketball-playing magic fairy."