TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Optimism will once again be your downfall when, during a trip to Ohio, you assume that the angry natives will be awed into submission by your lighter.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Mars rising with the moon in syzygy says nothing about your future. It means "Screw you, fatty."

CANCER (June 21-July 22): People will finally admit that you fulfilled your potential when you pass out in bed and your crack pipe sets off a massive goat-porn fire.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It's always the last person you'd expect that ends up being a murderer, marrying your sibling, or getting elected president.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): It won't be failure to adapt that kills you, but the ability to pause live television.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You'll fend off a lot of polite inquiries from Asians before you realize that your new Chinese tattoo actually reads "Ask Me About My Grandchildren."

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A chance remark at a bar will result in a pack of angry, middle-aged drunks insisting, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, that punk is not dead.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your love for the unexpected joy of "snow days" will not translate directly into a love for next week's hellish rains of fire and blood.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The stars can warn you not to argue with clergymen over predestination this week, though they are ultimately helpless to stop you.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): If you enjoyed last week, then relax. As usual, this week won't be a whole lot different from the previous one.