If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double- crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk
In short:
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful.....
WOMEN ! ....Sigh !
1. You wouldn't bother to play Strip Poker all night with a girlfriend.
2. No girlfriend can hold your undivided attention for 30 hours in a stretch.
3. Your computer never wants to be taken out for dinner.
4. Your computer doesn't mind if you are unshaved, haven't showered this week or are sitting by it in your underwear.
5. If a computer gets a virus, it can be cleaned away.
6. No matter how ugly your computer is, you can show it to your friends.
7. With a computer, you can press the buttons without it getting sore.
8. A computer doesn't mind you using other computers as well.
9. You will never find your computer in bed with your best friend.
10. Computers never, EVER get a period.
1. Girlfriends are cheaper to maintain than computers.
. . . cost of girlfriend maintenance varies significantly from model to model.
2. Girlfriends can become older, but never obsolete.
. . . no, only fat, wrinkled and ugly. I can always buy an upgrade for my computer.
3. Computers cannot iron your shirts or make your food.
. . . just like computers, performance varies from model to model, you always get xactly what you pay for.
4. Cum makes keyboards SOO sticky - and you can't wash them.
. . . Try the disk drive but remember to cover your disk.
5. Girlfriends function very well during main current breakdowns.
. . . computers don't have PMS!
6. When a girlfriend makes an error, it is not ALWAYS your fault.
. . . if it's not your fault, then whose fault is it?
7. Girlfriends do their own routine maintenance.
. . . once you live with one, you will learn - they require routine maintenance
each and every morning, I just turn my computer on each morning.
8. Girlfriends' memories do not get accidentally erased.
. . . not accidentally, they forget exactly what they want to forget, exactly
when they want to forget.
9. Even if you have been awake all night with your girlfriend, your eyes are not necessarily red.
. . . it's hard to argue with sex.
10. Computers are totally boring in bed.
. . . they don't steal the covers either.
Here are 13 ways to tell...
Guys:
a.. She makes eye contact and smiles at you.
b.. She calls you for homework ... a lot.
c.. She flips her hair when she's talking to you.
d.. She touches your arm when she talks to you.
e.. She says No I'm not telling you who I like! with a big smile on her face.
f.. She asks you who you like or who you would go out with seemingly interested.
g.. When you go to the movies with a bunch of your friends, she is almost always next to you.
h.. She criticizes you on a girl you like.
i.. She knows your WHOLE families' name (including your dog).
j.. She knows stuff about you like your birthday, eye color, favorite color, screen name, favorite food, favorite band, what music you like, and favorite sport.
k.. Her friends outside of school and in school know about you and say she talks of you a lot.
l.. She knows your phone number and address
m.. She will try and talk and spend time with you as much as possible.
Girls:
a.. His snowball hit you (but not in the face).
b.. He threw away his laser pointer after you told him you think they promote random acts of violence.
c.. After asking you to sign his yearbook he wrote, How come we never hang out? in yours.
d.. He yelled Hi! to your mom that day she picked you up from school.
e.. He blew off his buds to go see Run Away Bride with you cuz you couldn't get another girl pal to go and didn't want to go alone.
f.. Forgot your gloves? You can wear his.
g.. His voice gets softer (Hey, you) whenever you two talk.
h.. You hung up on him. He called you back.
i.. You where invited by him to a group outing.
j.. He called you to talk about nothing at all.
k.. He imitates your laugh-OK, you do snort sometimes-which makes you laugh even harder.
l.. He remembers little things you mention in casual conversation.
m.. He sometimes stares strait into your eyes.
Recognize your Real Friends among your friends with the following tips:-
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had a fight.
A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.
A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.
A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!
A simple friend will read and move to the next page.
A real friend will recomend it to you until he's sure it's been seen.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished
but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
"So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman.>Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and
be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.
The man replied, "I agree with you completely.
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued,
"And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man,
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and
drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on,
And hands it back to the man.>The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."