The Outraged Husband from The Strange Life of Jimfre Bacal
I am talking to u about this terrible conflict I got with the wife - she and I got different attitudes towards WARMTH and HEAT - she is like some furry beast that would be happiest sleeping outside - she insists on having the heat OFF, even in the middle of a cold Canadian winter, whereas I LOVE heat and get much pleasure in cranking the thermostat above 80 F. At the rundown hovel main floor of a house apartment we had, WE controlled the heat for both ourselves and our upstairs neighbours and I took FULL ADVANTAGE of that and kept us VERY WARM INDEED! The wife did not like this one bit and plotted and schemed for a way out of this TERRIBLE DILEMNA and began to WORK on me UNMERCILESSLY that we MUST MOVE into a BRIGHTER apartment and where there was a LIMIT to how much I could CRANK the heat in the apartment. Before we ended up in this merry situation, she took me to her father's place in ONTARIO and I could have shot the both of them, father and daughter, they must have witches blood, cause they NEVER turn the heat on, so I come to the dinner table with my long underwear, woolen socks, hiking boots, turtleneck, sweater, winter overcoat, arctic winter hat, gloves, and say "Hey baby how about some heat?" The father looked kinda shocked at this display of OUTRAGE, and had no fooking idea that I was indeed just a little bit COLD. The wife gave me dirty looks and kicked me under the table - "U BRUTE - U FREAK!" she says to me later. I was ready to take an axe and improve the world's goodness quotient by making a quick end of these heathen wolves! However this was just a moment's fantasy, little did I know I would end up in GREAT CONFLICT over this stupido HEAT PROBLEM...
So I return to LA-LA land here on the very left west coast, get a better job and decide to fix this bad situation so I buy 2 locks for the thermostat and give one to the landlord and I hide the other one and strut around the apartment for a week or so, and even though the wife is sweating and running around in her underwear I do not give an inch. "Look at the benefits," I tell her. "You get to develop the art of nagging, aiding your husband to develop his essential stubborn streak, while at the same time encouraging him to become the ruthless artiste he needs to be." So even though it hurts to see this innocent wolverine breathing fire around me, I hold to my guns and keep the apartment hot the way I like it, but she changes her growl and smiles sweetly and I say "How come you happy now?" She just says "Nature will take its course dear" and sure enuf I am paranoid and keep changing the hiding place to the point where I can no longer find the key and I scream at her "Did you find the key?" She says "No" - but then produces the other one I gave the landlord - my eyes drop - she says "I got them the day after you gave them ha ha!" So I am freezing now - the WITCH has turned the heat COMPLETELY OFF, and it is DAMP and CHILLED in this fooking west coast apartment, and so I begin to STEW in my COLD JUICES, and plot REVENGE. I get this RIGHTEOUS idea, go to the local high school to try and find some punks to ransack our apartment - either FIND THE fooking THERMOSTAT KEY or TRASH THE THERMOSTAT - but the boys will have nothing to do with it - turns out even these lousy punks have standards and it apparently is NO CHALLENGE to break into our apartment, and thus NO FUN to walk into an apartment with a key before trashing the place. "Try the girls," they say and they point me in the direction of 2 sweet babes who are chomping on gum, stinking of pot breath. I meander over and say "Gals I gotta find my thermostat key or I will end up in court for BRUTALIZING MY WIFE, so for 10 bucks apiece they agree to tear apart my apartment in order to find the fooking THERMOSTAT KEY, and so here I am in the middle of a trashed apartment - they cannot find the key - when the wife trots home, sees the babes, who are lounging around in their underwear. She accuses me, your royal highness, of having sex with minors. What with all the sceaming and cussing - I never heard such language - the very concerned landlard arrives at our door "WHAT the fook is going on with you lovebirds? YA WANT YOUR EVICTION NOTICE?!!!"
So let this be a lesson to you naive men out there who have not considered the possible consequences of marrying a women with witches blood. I am once again WONDERFULLY single, and would like to leave a message for any of you fair freckled beautiful ladies who have no problem with a hot apartment, that in the unlikely possibility that you find me attractive to let me know of your interest.
