Quotes: Humor and Random By Brad Bordyn and Dan Oksnevad “That probably would have sounded a lot more commanding if I wasn’t wearing my fuzzy bunny slippers.” “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you rotten lemons, chuck the lemons back at life and demand fresh ones.” “No, no, NO! No riding the fire truck until you’ve put your pants on!” “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.” “If at first you do succeed, try not to look so astonished.” “If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.” “I are smart.” “It’s not how you play the game, it’s whether you win or lose.” “I’m not weird, I’m gifted.” “What a glorious day to be that man’s foot!” “Man, that would have been so much more fun with a cattle prod… but what isn’t???” “This just in… police have apprehended the man who let the dogs out.” “Luke, I lied… William Shatner is your real father.” “We are the knights who say ‘NI!’ ” “Slow ‘n’ steady wins the race!” “It’s not fast food, it’s good food quickly.” “Breakfast foods of the world, UNITE!!!” “Mmmm… lemony fresh!” “To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” “Fear me, for I am the Friggin’ Ballerina!” “Sometimes I ask myself ‘Why me? What have I done to deserve this?’ Then I say to myself, ‘Oh, right…’” “Forget Snapple, I’m the best stuff on Earth.” “I am what I am, and that’s all that I’ll be. If that makes me annoying, then you can get the frick away from me.” “I feel better than a nice tub of good things!” “Oh! Oh! Listen to the bad man say angry things!!!” “Good girls go to heaven… bad girls go wherever they want to.” “Sir, are you classified as human?” “No, I am a meat Popsicle.” “Tragedy is when I cut off my finger… comedy is when you fall in an open manhole and die.” “I used to be a schizophrenic, but we’re okay now.” “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, it’s the voices in your head.” “You were just kidding about the voices in your head, right?” “We don’t have to answer that.” “You’re just jealous that the voices talk to me.” “ I think a good product would be the Baby Duck Hat. It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mother duck with babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Baby Duck Hat would also be good for parties.” “I had a linguistics professor who said that it is man’s ability to use language that makes us the dominant species on this planet. That may be, but I think what makes us the dominant species on this planet is that we aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.” “Get rid of the Tiki man.” “It tastes like… burning.” “Everyone loves a moose… some people just don’t know it yet.” “There’s only one rain cloud in the sky, and it’s raining on me… somehow I’m not surprised.” “One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting new discoveries.” “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” “The world makes you the jerk no matter how quietly you go, so you may as well go kicking and screaming.” “The power of accurate observation is often called cynicism by those who don’t have it.” “I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.” “Confucius say, Man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.” “Don’t milk the bull.” “Join the Army… travel to exotic places, meet strange new people… and kill them.” “I hope that someday everyone will put away their fears and prejudices, and just laugh at each other.” “You don’t have to agree with me… but it’s quicker.” “People tell me I’m deaf.” “I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They say that it’s because a deer is such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have pictures of her.” “You sound almost reasonable… time to up my medication.” “Back off! You’re standing in my aura!” “Guns don’t kill people, people do. Guns just make the whole process a lot easier.” “Therapy is expensive… popping that bubble wrap stuff is cheap. You choose.” “I like cats, too! Lets exchange recipes!” “I like cats… they taste like chicken!” “A cat will assume the shape of its container.” “I learned today that goldfish don’t like Jell-O.” “If someone were to hit me over the head with an axe, I don’t think I’d remember it too well.” “The way to someone’s heart is not through the stomach, but through the chest with an axe.” “The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe… but the stupid man will just lie down in a patch of seaweed and roll around in it until he’s completely draped in it. Then he’ll stand up and go, ‘Hey! I’m Vine Man!’” “I think we’re all like cheese in a way, but I’ll be darned if I know what that way is.” “Eh!!!” “At this moment I am being attacked by an axe wielding maniac, and in my attempts to grab something to hit him with, I am hitting the keys to type this sentence.” “The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.” “Once I heard the voice of God. It said, ‘Vrrrrrrrrrrrmmmm.’ Wait, maybe it was just a lawn mower.” “My friends once told me I was abusive. I didn’t agree, so I killed them.” “You! Off my planet! Now!” “In your dreams you freaky little gnome!!!” “Suburbia: where they tear trees out and name streets after them.” “Stupidity got us into this mess… why can’t it get us out???” “Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize that you haven’t fallen asleep yet.” “Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam. (I have a catapult. Give me all your money, or I will fling an enormous boulder at your head).” “Love is a viper, and I don’t like snakes.” “Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why lots of people in my family died of tuberculosis.” “I remember how, in college, I got a part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would have my revenge.” “Fortune favors the bold, and that’s why my life sucks.” “Hey, let’s hear it for the fence!” “Those who danced were thought quite insane by those who could not hear the music.” “I am a flying cow, worship me or die!!!” “If you’re so evil, why don’t you… EAT THIS KITTEN!!! “Meow!” “No way, mister, that’s just wrong!” “Love is a perky little elf dancing a merry jig, and then he suddenly turns on you with a miniature machine gun.” “The pessimist sees the glass as half-empty. The optimist sees the glass as half-full. The opportunist is the one who drank the water, Fulfilling the cynic’s prediction of him stealing the water. The idealist is certain there’s more to be found, While I, the realist, gets stuck washing the friggin’ glass.” “I was going to beat the crap out of that guy, but I didn’t because I’m weak.” “If you can’t convince them, confuse them.” “Hold still, I’m going to tear your heart out… it’ll be fun.” “It’s the code of the school yard, Marge! Let’s see… don’t tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you’re sure everyone else feels the same way you do…” “Vote Bush, he’s not as stupid as you think.” “Vote Bradley, he sucks less.” “Vote Gore, he’s got good posture.” “If you voted for Bush last election, you can’t take a crap here… your butt hole is in the White House.” “If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted and have the time of our lives.” “To do is to be”- Descartes “To be is to do”- Voltaire “Do be do be do”- Frank Sinatra “Always drink upstream from the herd… I learned the hard way.” “I just knocked your cat into the toilet… it was an accident… he’ll be okay.” “If it screams, it’s not food… yet.” “Humans did not fight their way to the top of the food chain just to become vegetarians.” “Mean people suck.” “There are people that can get you help… unfortunately, I am not one of them.” “I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and crying like the people in his car.” “God is the ventriloquist and I am the dummy.” “I don’t care. It’s my inner life and I’ll be as warped as I like in the privacy of my own skull.” “Oh, for heaven’s sake, Smithers, this is brain surgery, not rocket science. Now hand me that ice cream scoop.” “You can find humor in anything … if you’re sick enough.” “It’s not my fantasy, it’s my alternate reality.” “Diplomacy: The art of saying ‘nice doggie’… until you can find a rock.” “No one can be exactly like me… even I have trouble doing it.” “Don’t annoy the crazy person.” “You don’t have to be mad to work here, but it helps.” “The world looks as though it has been in the custody of trolls.” “A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.” “You can’t blame me, you didn’t see me do it!” Comebacks: “Would you like cheese with that whine?” “If I throw a stick, will you leave?” “I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.” “Earth is full. Go home.” “Who pissed in your gene pool?” “I’m not as dumb as you look.” “And which dwarf are you?” “You have a right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.” “I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.” “Who’s cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have an ‘s’ in it?” “Life is like a box of chocolates. Unless, that is, you get the kind that tells you what each one is… then you’re just cheating.” “God’s last name isn’t d@mnit!” “We are not great believers in forgiveness. We don’t turn the other cheek. We rip off both of yours.” “I will kill you… and I will keep on killing you until you die from it.” “Do or do not. There is no try.”- Yoda “When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear.” “Never take life seriously. No one gets out alive anyways.” “I try to avoid getting smarter. Look at the smartest people in the world: Einstein, Beethoven, Mozart. They all have one thing in common- they’re dead.” “Smile- it makes people wonder what you’re thinking.” “Don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn… it’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.” “I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping its speed above 50, and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called ‘ The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.’” “These three sentences will get you through life…” 1. “Oh, good idea boss!” 2. “Cover for me!” 3. “It was like that when I got there.” “If you don’t like your job you don’t quit! You just go in every day and do it really half-@$$ed. That’s the American way!” “Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene.’” “Dad, are you licking toads???” “I’m not not licking toads.” “There are three kinds of people in the world… the ones that can count and the ones that can’t.” “Hello? It’s your favorite minion of satan! Anybody home? Aw, nutbunnies!” French Soldier: “I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries! Now go away you silly English kinnnnnigiht, or I shall taunt you a second time!” “I WILL STEAL YOUR SOUL!!!” “Ah, St. Patrick’s Day; where everyone’s a little bit Irish, except the gays and the Italians.” “I stopped drinking a long time ago when I got so drunk that I fell into a bonfire. But it wasn’t the fire that convinced me not to drink… it was my drunk friends trying to stomp me out.” “Must… crush… capitalism…” “When I die, bury me upside down so the world can kiss my @$$.” “Beef jerky; highly priced by the inbred gourmet.” “It’s better to have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.” “Do you want a cookie, little boy?” “You’re the devil!” “If I didn’t have this gun the King of England could waltz right in here and start pushing you around! Do you want that? Huh? HUH?” “Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart…” “Wow, that’s deep, where did you get that from?” “From the producers of ‘Waiting to Exhale.’” “Dad, are you okay?” “Yeah, the bone stopped the bullet.” “Maybe this is one of those things that you should go to the hospital for.” “After pie.” “Don’t beat yourself up about this, we’ll do that for you.” “Save the trees… use both sides of your toilet paper.” “Save the trees… kill the beavers.” “Don’t walk behind me, for I may not lead.” “Don’t walk in front of me, for I may not follow.” “Don’t walk beside me, either.” “Just leave me alone.” “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a flat tire and a broken fan belt.” “We are born wet, naked, and hungry. Things just get worse from there.” “No one is listening until you make a mistake.” “Just remember that you are unique… just like everyone else.” “Never test the depth of a lake with both feet.” “If you think that no one cares that you are alive, just try missing a few car payments.” “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day… teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.” “Taxes with representation aren’t so hot either.” “Some days you are the bug, other days you are the windshield.” “Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of bad experiences come from bad judgment.” “It seems to me that the easiest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.” “I didn’t say that it was your fault, I said that I’m going to blame you.” “Never miss an opportunity to shut up.” “Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.” “Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.” “If that horse doesn’t win this race, we’re taking a trip to the glue factory… and he won’t get to come.” “¯The something’s connected to the blue thing, the blue thing’s connected to the red thing, the red thing’s connected to my wristwatch… uh- oh.¯” “Your birthday is a terrible day! You’re one year closer to death, your friends are there celebrating it, and you’re thinking, ‘These are my friends?’” “People, what you are seeing here is a total disregard for what St. Patrick’s Day is all about. This public drunkenness, destruction of property, is this what we think of when we think of the Irish?” “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’. But change around the letters a little bit and there is a ‘me’ in ‘team.’” “You remember Mom, don’t you? Chestnut brown hair, short, kinda shy, 32 confirmed kills…” “C’mon, ya wimps, one more beer. It’s open ocean out there, what could we possibly hit?” – Captain Hazelwood, Exxon Valdez. “Now that I’m running my life support on Windows 95, I’ll never have to worry about… gasp… cough… beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep…” “C:/dos C:/dos/run Run/dos/run.” “Don’t worry about the Rover, that’s no cliff.” – NASA techie. “Now how’s he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?” – insect. “No, dude, this stuff is completely natural and safe. That’s why they call it ‘herbal.’” “Dangit, Lizzie, get off your fat lazy butt, and cut me some frickin’ firewood!” – Mr. Borden. “How many frickin’ times do I have to tell you people! IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION, morons!” – Alex Trebec. “If someone asks you if you’re a god, you say YES!!!” “I would have been right, had I not been wrong.” “Sometimes I feel like just ripping off all of my clothes and running around naked. But then I drink some Windex, and it keeps me from streaking.” “She’s not my girlfriend. I find her interesting because she sleeps above her covers… FOUR FEET above her covers.” “This reminds me of that time you tried to drill a hole in your head.” “That would have worked if you hadn’t stopped me.” “Back off man… I’m a scientist.” “Everything was going fine until dickless here messed everything up.” “Is this true?” “Yes… this man has no dick…” “Ya know, I’m a voter… aren’t you supposed to lie to me and kiss my butt?” “Right now, I sympathize with the postal workers.” “Kiss some frogs, and they’ll turn into princes… others give you salmonella.” “There are two theories to arguin’ with a woman… neither one works.” Disclaimer: Mr. Oksnevad’s opinions do not reflect the opinions of Brad Bordyn, who doesn’t consider arguing with women worth it, since everyone knows that they’re always right. PS: Never argue with Brad; he will drag you down to his/her/its level, and then beat you with experience. -The W2LB Phantom “A good party ends with you running around with your pants on your head. At a great party they’re someone else’s pants.” “They’re just talking nonsense, like ‘Ramma-lamma-ding-dong’ or ‘Give peace a chance.’” “You can only be young once, but you can always be immature.” “YVAN EHT NIOJ!” “If you have a roommate, here’s what you should do. Write a ‘to do’ list in large print, and leave it out where your roommate can see it. Make the last thing on the list ‘KILL ROOMMATE.’ Every day, complain about how you never finish everything on your list.” “No soup for you!!!” “Mister, yer a trespassin’ on my dirt farm…” “Quitters never win, and winners never quit, but those who never win and never quit are just plain idiots.” “Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.” “I was in AOL’s new member lounge explaining to the new guys how AOL is notorious for censorship. Some guide tells me that this is absolutely untrue. He proceeds to tell me that I am not allowed to discuss this in AOL chat rooms. What the…” “Everybody’s marriage is falling apart but ours. The problem is communication… too much communication.” “I think a mistake a lot of us make is thinking that the state-appointed psychiatrist is our friend.” “To err is human. To forgive is not company policy.” “A fool and his money are my best friend.” “Where there’s a will, there’s a lawyer.” “Of the choice of two evils, I choose the one I’ve never done.” “I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day, and tomorrow is not looking good either.” “Foresight is knowing what tomorrow brings. Boredom is knowing what the day after tomorrow brings.” “Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. Let’s say that you’re an astronaut, and that your partner has turned into a vampire. When he goes out to find moon rocks, you can slam the door behind him and blast off. He may try to Radio you and say that he’s not a vampire, but you can just say, ‘Think again, bat man.’” “I was in a museum, and this girl came up to me and asked me if I prefer Monet or Manet. I said, ‘I like mayonnaise.’ She kinda stared at me for a while. I said it louder, and then she left. I guess she went to find me some mayonnaise.” “I never really liked clowns. I always thought clowns were kind of scary. I think it started when I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.” “If I could be a bird, I’d be a flying purple people eater, so that people would sing about me, and I could swoop down on them and eat them, because I hate that song.” “Once, while walking through a mall, a guy came up to me and said, ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ So I twisted his arm up behind him and said, ‘Now who’s asking the questions?’” “If it’s one thing that vampire children taught us, it is to never run with wooden stakes.” “If you’re ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don’t know the natives’ language, you should say, ‘Poopy-oomy.’ I bet it means something.” “To me, it’s fascinating to think that there’s a world all around us that we can’t even see. I’m speaking, of course, of the World of the Scary Invisible Skeletons.” “Sometimes I think that I’d like to be named the Prince of the Weasels. As Prince of the Weasels, I would sneak up on people and bite them. Then they would turn around and say, ‘What the… oh it’s you, Prince of the Weasels.” “It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.” “One thing kids like is to be tricked. Once I told my nephew that we were going to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to this old burnt-out warehouse. I said, ‘Oh, no, Disneyland burnt down. He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.” “A good way to threaten someone is to light a stick of dynamite. Then call them up on the phone and hold the burning fuse up to the receiver and say, ‘Hear that? That’s dynamite, baby!’” “Maybe in order to understand mankind, we need to look at the word itself. It’s basically made up of two words: “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and so is mankind.” “If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?” “I’d rather be rich than stupid.” “If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, tripping and falling and begging for mercy, than yes Mr. Brave man, I guess I’m a coward.” “He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much that he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But, when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher got to the ‘dust to dust’ part, some people laughed and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he said to the others, ‘I’ll be waiting for you in Heaven… with a gun.’” “When I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite as funny.” “If you’re ever in a war, instead of throwing hand grenades at people, you should throw those tiny pumpkins. Maybe then people will realize how stupid war is, and while they’re thinking about that, you can throw a real hand grenade at them.” “I guess I kinda lost control when in the middle of the play, I ran up and set the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn’t really do that. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another human emotion is greed, like when you kill someone for his money. Yet another is generosity, like when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.” “I can’t stand cheap people. Like when someone comes up to me and says, ‘Do you have that $50 you owe me?’ Or maybe, ‘When am I gonna get that $100 you borrowed?’ Man, quit being so cheap.” “I think that if you’re ever robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think you should laugh, and let the hostages laugh, too, because, come on, life is funny.” “The crow seems to be calling my name,’ thought Caw.” “I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.” “If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in the mirror, because I’d bet that would really throw you into a panic.” “Laurie got offended that I used the word ‘puke,’ but to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.” “Anytime I see something screech across the room and latch onto someone’s neck, I have to laugh, because, what is that thing?” “We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients, but we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and that’s what annoys me.” “Shaboo-yah!” If you have no clue what this means, you are probably far too sane to be reading this. -The W2LB Phantom “Knowledge may be power, but ignorance is bliss.” “When in doubt, lie.” “I think that we should delay the search for intelligent life on other planets until we can find some on our own planet.” “Trying is the first step towards failing.” “Life sucks and then you die.” “I’m a typical American. I don’t trust anyone, and no one with half a brain trusts me.” “I think my new thing will be to try to be a real nice guy. I’ll just walk around being really nice to everyone until some jerk says something stupid to me.” “My girlfriend was watching the football game with me when she said, ‘You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group. ‘Yeah,’ I said to her, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny. “Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and I realize that I forgot to put my pants on.” “I guess, in a way, we were all guilty. We all shot him. We all skinned him. We all got the complimentary bumper sticker that said, ‘I helped skin Bob’…” “The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.” “As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint-gray, I was reminded of the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.” “I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. ‘You don't have to tell me,’ I said. ‘I'm off the team, aren't I?’ ‘Well,’ said Coach, ‘you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.’ It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.” “I plan to make a buttload of money with this!”