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Young Frankenstein Transcript

EXT. - FRANKENSTEIN CASTLE

INT. - FRANKENSTEIN CASTLE

INT. - UNIVERSITY LABORATORY

Freddy: If we look at the base of a brain which has just been removed from the skull, there's very little of the midbrain that we could actually see. Yet, as I demonstrated in my lecture last week, if the under aspects of the temporal lobes are gently pulled apart, the upper portion of the stem of the brain can be seen. This so-called brainstem consists of the midbrain, a rounded protrusion called the pons, and a stalk tapering downwards called the medulla oblongada, which passes out of the skull through the foramen magnum, and becomes of course the spinal cord. Are there any questions before we proceed?
Medical Student:I have one question, Dr. Frankenstein.
Freddy: That's Fronkensteen.
Medical Student: I beg your pardon?
Freddy: My name, it's pronounced Fronkonsteen.
Medical Student: But aren't you the grandson of the famous Dr. Victor Frankenstein who went into graveyards, dug up freshly buried corpses, and transformed dead components into-
Freddy: Yes. Yes. Yes, we all know what he did. But I'd rather be remembered for my own small contrubutions to science, and not because of my accidental relationship to a famous kook. Now if you don't mind, can we get on with your question?
Medical Student: Well sir, I'n not sure I understand the distinction between reflexive and voluntary nerve impulses.
Freddy: Very good. Since our lab work today is a demonstration of just that distinction, why don't we proceed. Mr. Hilltop here, with whom I have never woked, nor givin any prior instruction to, has graciously offered his services for this afternoon's demonstrations. Mr. Hilltop, will you hop up on your feet and stand beside this table. Nice hopping. Mr. Hilltop, would you raise your left knee, please? You have just witnessed a voluntary nerve impulse. It begins as a stimulus from the cerebral cortex, passes through the brainstem, and to the particular muscles involved. Mr. Hilltop, you may lower your knee. Reflex movements are those which are madeindependantly of the will, but are carried out along pathways which pass between the peripheral nervous system and the central nervous system. You filthy, rotton, yellow son-of-a-bitch. We are not aware of these impulses. Neither do we intend them to carry out our contraction of muscles, yet as you can see, they work by themselves. But what if we block the nerve impulse by simply applying local pressure? Which can be done with any ordinary metal clamp just at the swelling on the posterior nerve roots for, oh say, five or six seconds. Why you mother-grabbing bastard. As you can see, all communication is shut off. In spite of our mechanical magnificance, if it were not for this continuous stream of motor impulses, we would collapse like a bunch of broccoli. Mr. Hilltop: Oh, God.
Freddy: In conclusion, it should be noted- Give him an extra dollar.
Assistant: And extra dollar, yes sir.
Freddy:That any more than commen injury to the nerve root is always serious, because once a nerve fiber is severed, there is no way in heaven or on earth to regenerate life back into it. Are there any last questions before we leave?
Medical Student: Uh, Dr. Frank- Fronkensteen?
Freddy: Yes?
Medical Student: Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of Vermicelli unto a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with voluntary motion?
Freddy: Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?
Medical Student: Why the worm, sir.
Freddy: Yes, it sems to me I did read something of that incident when I was a student. But you have to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.
Medical Student: But wasn't that the whole basis of your grandfather's work, sir, the reanimation of dead tissue?
Freddy: My grandfather was a very sick man.
Medical Student: But as a Fronkensteen, aren't you the least bit curious about it? Doesn't the bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue to you?
Freddy: You are talking about the nonsensical raving of a lunatic mind. Dead is Dead.
Medical Student: But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys.
Freddy: Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys. I'm talking about the central nervous system.
Medical Student: But sir?
Freddy: I am a scientist, not a philosopher. You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system.
Medical Student: But what about your grandfather's work, sir?
Freddy: My grandfather's work was doo doo. I am not interested in death. The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life. Class is dismissed.
Gerhart Falkstein: Dr. Frankenstein?
Freddy: That's Fronkensteen.
Gerhart Falkstein: My name is Gerhart Falkstein. I have traveled five-thousand miles to bring you the will of your great-grandfather, Baron Bofort Von Frankenstein.

EXT. - TRAIN STATION

Elizabeth: Oh, my sweet darling. Oh, my dearest love. I'll count the hours that you're away.
Freddy: Oh, my darling, so will I.
Elizabeth: Not on the lips.
Freddy: What?
Elizabeth: I'm going to that party at Nan and Nicky's later. I don't want to smear my lipstick.
Freddy: Oh.
Elizabeth: You understand.
Freddy: Of course.
Conductor: All aboard.
Elizabeth: Oh, dear.
Freddy: Well, I guess this is it?
Elizabeth: Freddy, darling. Oh how can I say in a few minutes what it's taken me a lifetime to understand?
Freddy: Wont you try?
Elizabeth: All right. You've got it mister. I'm yours, all of me. What else can I say?
Freddy: My sweet love.
Elizabeth: The hair, the hair, just been set.
Freddy: Sorry, sorry.
Elizabeth: I hope you like old fashioned wedding.
Freddy: I prefer old fashioned wedding nights.
Elizabeth: Oh, you're incorrigible.
Freddy: Does that mean you love me?
Elizabeth: You bet your boots it does.
Freddy: Oh, my love.
Elizabeth: Taffeta, darling.
Freddy: Taffeta, sweetheart.
Elizabeth: No, the dress is taffeta, it wrinkles so easily.
Freddy: Oh.
Conductor: All aboard.
Elizabeth: Oh, there's that horrid man again. Oh, hurry now before I make a fool of myself. Ah, the nails, oh.
Freddy: Sorry. Good-bye, darling.
Elizabeth: Good-bye, Freddy.
Freddy: Darling.

INT. - AMERICAN TRAIN

Wife: Harry, he was at it again.
Harry: So what do you want me to do about it?
Wife: Everyday.
Harry: Let him, let him.
Conductor: New York next, everbody out for New York.

INT. - EUROPEAN TRAIN

Wife: Hans, er wachte schon weider.
Hans: So?
Wife: Aber jaden tag.
Hans: Lass ihm, lass ihm.
Conductor: Transylvania nachste. Jeder austeigen fur Transylvania.
Freddy: Pardon me, boy, is this the Transylvania Station?
Boy: Ja ja, Track twenty-nine. Oh, could i give you a shine?
Freddy: Uh, no thanks.

EXT. - TRAIN STATION

Igor: Dr. Frankenstein?
Freddy: Fronkensteen.
Igor: You're putting me on.
Freddy: No, it's pronounced Fronkensteen.
Igor: Do you also say Froderick?
Freddy: No, Frederick.
Igor: Well, why isn't it Froderick Fronkensteen?
Freddy: It isn't, it's Frederick Fronkensteen.
Igor: I see.
Freddy: You must be Igor.
Igor: No, it's pronounced Ayegor.
Freddy: But they told me it was Igor.
Igor: Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?
Freddy: Uh, you were sent here by Herr Falkstein, weren't you?
Igor: Yes. My grandfather used to work for your grandfather.
Freddy: How nice.
Igor: Of the rates have gone up.
Freddy: Of course, of course, I'm sure we'll get along splendidly. Oh, I uh, you know I don't mean to embarrass you, but I'm rather a brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
Igor: What hump?
Freddy: Let's go.
Igor: Allow me, master.
Freddy: Oh, thanks very much.
Igor: Walk this way. This way.

EXT. - NEARBY ROAD

Igor: I think you'll be more comfortable in the rear.
Freddy: Oh.
Inga: Oof.
Freddy: What was that?
Igor: Oh, that'll be Inga. Herr Falkstein thought you might need a laboratory assistant temporarily.
Freddy: Oh.
Inga: Oh, hello, would you like to have a roll in the hay? It's fun. Roll, roll, roll in the hay. Roll, roll, roll in the hay. Roll, roll-

EXT. - ROAD - LATER

Inga: Uh. Uh, sometimes I'm afraid of the lightning.
Freddy: Just an atmospheric discharge, nothing to be afraid of.
Inga: Werewolf.
Freddy: Werewolf?
Igor: There.
Freddy: What?
Igor: There wolf. There castle.
Freddy: Why are you talking that way?
Igor: I thought you wanted to.
Freddy: No, I don't want to.
Igor: Suit yourself, I'm easy. Well, there it is. Home.

EXT. - FRANKENSTEIN CASTLE

Freddy: What knockers.
Inga: Oh, thank you, Doctor.
Freddy: Oh, that's alright. Oh, there we are.
FraŘ Blucher: I am FraŘ Blucher.
Igor: Steady.
Freddy: Uh, how do you do? I am Dr. Fronkensteen. This is my assistant. Inga, may I present FraŘ Blucher. I wonder what's got into them.
FraŘ Blucher: Your rooms have been prepared, Herr Doktor. If you will foloow me, please.
Freddy: Ayegor, Would you bring the bags in as soon as you're finished, please?
Igor: Yes, master.
Freddy: After you, FraŘ Blucher.
Igor: Blucher.

INT. - RECEPTION HALL

FraŘ Blucher: Follow me, please. Stay close to the candles, the staircase can be trecherous.

INT. - FREDDY'S BEDROOM

FraŘ Blucher: And this is your room. It was your grandfather Victor's room.
Freddy: I see. Well, there seem to be quite a few books.
FraŘ Blucher: This was Victor's- the Baron's medical library.
Freddy: And where is my grandfather's private library?
FraŘ Blucher: I don't know what you mean, sir.
Freddy: Well, these books are all very general. Any doctor might have them in his study.
FraŘ Blucher: This is the only library I know of, Dr. Frankenstone.
Freddy & FraŘ Blucher: Fronkensteen.
Freddy: Well, we'll see. Good night.
FraŘ Blucher: Would the doctor care for a brandy before retiring?
Freddy: No, thank you.
FraŘ Blucher: Some warm milk, perhaps?
Freddy: No, thank you very much. No thanks.
FraŘ Blucher: Ovaltine?
Freddy: Nothing, thank you. I'm a little tired.
FraŘ Blucher: Then I will say good night.
Freddy: Good night.
FraŘ Blucher: Good night, darling. Good night, Herr Doktor.
Freddy: Good night, FraŘ Blucher.

EXT. - SKY

INT. - FREDDY'S BEDROOM

Freddy: No no no no no. No no no no no no no. No no no no no no no no no. I'm not a Frankenstein. I'm not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate, and I wont say it. Alright, you win, you win, I'll give. I'll say it, I'll say it, I'll say it. Destiny, destiny, no escaping that's for me. Destiny, destiny, no escaping that's for me. Destiny, destiny, no escaping that's for-
Inga: Dr. Fronkensteen, wake up.
Freddy: What is it?
Inga: You were having a nightmare.
Freddy: What's that strange music?
Inga: I have no idea, but it seems to be coming from behind the bookcase.
Freddy: Behind the bookcase. Hand me that robe, would you dear? You were right. It's coming from behind this wall. Where is it, where is it?
Inga: What?
Freddy: There's always a device. If I could just spot the triggering mechanism. Hello. It seems louder over here. Hand me that candle, will you? Put the candle back. Alright, I think i have it figured out now. Take out the candle, and I'll block the bookcase with my body. Now listen to me very carefully. Don't put the candle back. With all of your might, shove against the other side of the bookcase. Is that perfectly clear?
Inga: I think so.
Freddy: Good girl.
Inga: Put the candle back. Oh look, Doctor, a passageway.
Freddy: Whatever that music is, it's coming from down there. Let me take a look.
Inga: Oh, let me come with you, Doctor, please. I don't want to stay up here alone.
Freddy: Alright then, close your robe and follow me.
Inga: Oh, Doctor, the candle.
Freddy: Good thinking, let's try this one. Stand back.

INT. - SECRET PASSAGEWAY

Inga: Oh.
Freddy: Don't be frightened, dear, just a rat. A filthy, slimy rat.

INT. - FOYER OF LABORATORY

Inga: Uh.
Freddy: Good lord.
Igor: I, ain't got no body. And no body cares for me. Yakatata Katakatata Ha.
Freddy: Ayegor.
Igor: Froderick.
Freddy: How did you get here?
Igor: Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and just followed it down. Call it a hunch, badoom chi.
Inga: The must have been someone else down here.
Freddy: It would seem that way. And there's the only other door.
Igor: Wait master, it might be dangerous. You go first.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

Freddy: Aren't there any lights in this place?
Igor: Two nasty looking switches over here, but I'm not going to be the first.
Freddy: Damn your eyes.
Igor: Too late.
Inga: Oh.
Freddy: So this is where it all happenend.
Victor Frankenstein (VO): Just think, a dead brain ready to live again in a new body. Look, no blood, no decomposition, just a few sutures. Throw the main switch.
Clerval (VO): Yes, master.
Freddy: What a filthy mess.
Igor: I don't know, a little paint, a few flowers, couple of throw pillows-
Freddy: Well, it seems as if our mysterious violinist has disap-
Inga: Disa what?
Igor: Peard.
Freddy: Shh. There is a light coming from behind that door. Follow me.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S PRIVATE LIBRARY

Inga: Doctor, look.
Freddy: Well, this explains the music.
Igor: It's still warm.
Freddy: Hmm.
Inga: But who was playing it?
Freddy: I don't know, but whoever it was barely finished putting out his cigar. Such strange goings on. What is this place?
Igor: Music room.
Inga: But there's nothing but books and papers.
Freddy: Books and papers? It is, this was my grandfather's private library. I feel it. Look, look at this.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S PRIVATE LIBRARY - LATER

Freddy: Until, from the midst of this darkness, a sudden light broke in upon me, a light so brilliant and wonderous, and yet so simple. Change the poles from plus to minus and from minus to plus. I alone succeeded in discovering the secret of bestowing life. Nay, even more, I myself became capable of bestowing animation upon lifeless matter. It could work.

INT. - FREDDY"S BEDROOM

INT. - DINING ROOM

Freddy: Kipper?
Inga: Mmm, thank you, Doctor.
Freddy: As the minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed, I resolved therefore to make the Creature of gigantic stature. Of course, that would simplify everything.
Inga: In other words, his veins, his feet, his hands, his organs, would all have to be increased in size.
Freddy: Exactly.
Inga: He would have an enormous schwanzstucker.
Freddy: That goes without saying.
Igor: He's going to be very popular.
Freddy: So then, what we're aiming for is a being approximately seven feet in height, with all features aither congenitally or artificially proportionate in size.
Igor: Something like this.
Freddy: Hello. You've caught something there. Crude yes, primitive yes, perhaps even grotesque. Yet something tells me that this might be our man.

EXT. - PRISON CEMETERY

EXT. - PRISON CEMETERY - LATER

Guard: All right, all right, that's good enough for the likes of him.
Freddy: Get down, you fool. Now.

EXT. - PRISON CEMETERY - LATER

Freddy: What a filthy job.
Igor: Could be worse.
Freddy: How?
Igor: Could be raining.

EXT. - STREET

Freddy: Quick.
Constable Henry: Need a hand?
Freddy: Uh, no thanks, have one. Thanks very much, all the same.
Constable Henry: Just a moment, sir. I know everyone in this neighborhood, but I've never seen your face before. Can you account for yourself?
Freddy: Yes, I am D. Frederick Fronkonsteen, newly arrived from America.
Constable Henry: Oh yes, I was told you were here. Well, I'm Constable Henry, sir. Pleased to me you.
Freddy: How very nice to meet you, Constable.
Constable Henry: Why, you're chilled to the bone, sir. A nice warm fire maybe the thing for you.
Freddy: Yes, yes.
Constable Henry: A little nip from the old bottle wouldn't be too bad either, would it, sir?
Freddy: That's the ticket, yes.
Constable Henry: Well, if you have everything in hand, sir, I'll say good night to you.
Freddy: Thank you very much, Constable.
Constable Henry: At your service, sir. Always.
Freddy: Good night, Constable.
Constable Henry: Good night, sir.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

Freddy: Oh, what an awesome sight. What a profound and reverent night is this. With such a specimen for a body, all we need now is an equally magnificant brain. You know what to do?
Igor: I have a pretty good idea.
Freddy: Good man. Didn't you- didn't you use to have that on the other side?
Igor: What?
Freddy: Your, uh, oh nevermind. You have the name I gave you.
Igor: I have it written down. H. Delbruck
Freddy: Hans Delbruck.

INT. - HOSPITAL

INT. - BRAIN DEPOSITARY

Igor: Ah.

EXT. - SKY

INT. - BRAIN DEPOSITARY

Igor: Ah.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

Inga: He's hideous.
Freddy: He's beautiful, and he's mine.

EXT. - LABORATORY ROOF

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

Freddy: Hurry now, we're fighting time and the elements. Are you ready?
Igor: Are you sure this is how they did it?
Freddy: Yes, yes, it's all written down in the notes. Now tie off the kites and come down as fast as you can, hurry.
Igor: What's the hurry?
Freddy: There's the possibility of electrocution, do you understand? I say there is a possibility of electrocution. Do you understand?
Igor: I understand, I understand, why are you shouting?
Freddy: Did you- did you tie off the kites?
Igor: Of course.
Freddy: Oh, all right, good. Uh, check the generator.
Igor: Yes, master.
Freddy: Ayegor, release the safety valve on the main wheel.
Igor: Yes, master.
Freddy: Can you imagine the brain of Hans Delbruck in this body?
Inga: Oh, Frederick.
Freddy: This is the moment. Well, dear, are you ready?
Inga: Yes, Doctor.
Freddy: Elevate me.
Inga: Now, right here?
Freddy: Yes, yes, raise the platform.
Inga: Oh, the platform, oh that, yeah, yes.
Freddy: From the fateful day when stinking bits bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars I am man, our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our own mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens, we shall mock the earthquake, we shall command the thunders and penetrate the very womb of impervious nature herself.

EXT. - LABORATORY ROOF

Freddy: When I give the word, throw the first switch.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

Igor: You've got it, master.

EXT. - LABORATORY ROOF

Freddy: Get ready.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

EXT. - LABORATORY ROOF

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

Freddy: Get set.

EXT. - LABORATORY ROOF

Freddy: Go.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

EXT. - LABORATORY ROOF

Freddy: Throw the second switch.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

EXT. - LABORATORY ROOF

Freddy: Throw the third switch.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

Igor: Not the third switch?

EXT. - LABORATORY ROOF

Freddy: Throw it, I say. Throw it.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

EXT. - LABORATORY ROOF

Freddy: Life, life, do you hear me? Give my creation life.

EXT. - SKY

EXT. - LABORATORY ROOF

Freddy: Turn everything off and bring me down.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

Freddy: Nothing
Inga: Oh, Doctor. I'm sorry-
Freddy: No, no. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. Son of a bitch bastard, I'll get you for this. What did you do to me? What did you do to me?
Inga: Doctor. Doctor, stop. You'll kill him.
Freddy: I don't want to live. I do not want to live.
Igor: Quiet dignity and grace.
Freddy: Oh, Momma.

INT. - MEETING HALL

First Elder: Oh tosh. This man is different, I tell you. You can see that after he talks with you for five minutes. Yes.
Villager: He's a Frankenstein, and they're all the same. It's in their blood, they can't help it. All those scientists, they're all alike. They say they're working for us, but what they really want to do is rule the world.
Second Elder: That's enough now. I will not have this meeting become a free-for-all. These are very serious charges you're making. All the more painful to us, your elders, because we still have nightmares from five times before. Now, we haven't heard from the one man most qualified to judge the situation fairly. Imspector Kemp, would you talk to us, please?
Inspector Kemp: A riot is an ugly thing. And once you get one started, there is little chance of stopping it, short of bloodshed. I think, before we go around killing people, we had better make damned sure of our evidence. And we had better confirm the fact that Young Frankenstein is indeed following in his grandfather's footschteps.
All: What?
Inspector Kemp: Following in his grandfather's footschteps, footschteps, footschteps.
All: Oh, footsteps.
Inspector Kemp: I think what is in order, is for me to pay a little visit on the good doctor, and to have a nice quiet chat.

INT. - DINING ROOM

Freddy: Reputation. Reputation.
Inga: Oh, doctor, you mustn't do this to yourself. You've got to stop thinking about it. Why look, you haven't even touched your food.
Freddy: There, now I've touched it. Happy?
Igor: You know, I'll never forget my old Dad when these things would happen to him, the things he'd say to me.
Freddy: What did he say?
Igor: What the hell are you doing in the bathroom night and day? Why don't you get out of there, give someone else a chance?
Freddy: Oh, maybe it's better this way. That poor, lifeless hulk. Maybe it is better off dead.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

INT. - DINING ROOM

Igor: What is this?
Freddy: Schwarzwalder Kirschtorte.
Monster (OS): Mmm.
Freddy: Oh, do you like it? I'm not partial to desserts myself, but this is excellent.
Igor: Who are you talking to?
Freddy: To you. You just made a yummy sound, so I thought you liked the dessert.
Igor: I didn't make a yummy sound. I just asked you what it was.
Freddy: But you did, I just heard it.
Igor: It wasn't me.
Inga: It wasn't me.
Freddy: Well now look here, if it wasn't you, and it wasn't you-
Monster (OS): Mmm.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

Freddy: Alive, it's alive. It's alive. Hello there, I'm going to set you free. Is the sedative ready?
Inga: Yes, Doctor.
Freddy: I want you to sit up.
Monster: Mmm.
Freddy: Stand on your feet.
Monster: Mmm.
Freddy: You can do it. Now, walk.
Inga: Oh, Doctor, I'm frightened.
Freddy: Don't worry, good, good, good.
Monster: Mmm.
Freddy: What is it? What's the matter? Quick, give him the-. Quick, give him the-.
Igor: What? Give him the what? Three syllables. First syllable. Sounds like-
Inga: Head. Sounds like head. Bed? Uh, said?
Igor & Inga: Said.
Igor: Said.
Inga: Said. Second syllable. Little word. This? That? The?
Igor: A? Said a?
Inga: Said a?
Igor: Dirty word. He said a dirty word.
Igor & Inga: Sounds like-
Inga: To give? Give?
Igor: Sedagive. Give him a sedagive.
Inga: Oh, tive. Tive. Sedative.
Igor: On the nosey.
Freddy: Sedagive?
Inga: Frederick, are you alright?
Freddy: Yes. Would you excuse me for one minute, dear?
Inga: Of course, Doctor.
Freddy: Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
Igor: Of course.
Freddy: Sit down, wont you?
Igor: Why thank you.
Freddy: Oh no, up here.
Igor: Thank you.
Freddy: Now, that brain that you gave me, was it Hans Delbruck's?
Igor: No.
Freddy: Ah, good. Would you mind telling me whose brain I did put in?
Igor: And you wont be angry.
Freddy: I will not be angry.
Igor: Abbey someone.
Freddy: Abbey someone. Abbey who?
Igor: Abbey normal.
Freddy: Abbey normal.
Igor: I'm almost sure that was the name.
Freddy: Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven and a half foot long, fifty our inch wide gorilla? Is that what your telling me?
Igor: Quick, quick, give him the-.
Inga: What? Three syllables, yes.
Freddy: I wonder who that could be at this hour.

EXT. - FRANKENSTEIN CASTLE

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

Freddy: Inga, quick, see who that is. You, put that thing back on the table, and strap him down tightly.
Igor: Where are you going?
Freddy: To wash up. I've got to look normal. We've all of us got to act normally.

INT. - STUDY

Freddy: Ha. Monsters.
Inspector Kemp: Excellent shot.
Freddy: This is the twentieth century, Kemp. Monsters are passe, like ghosts and goblins.
Inspector Kemp: Not to the good people of this village, Herr Doctor. To them he is the very real thing, especially when there is a Frankenstein residing in this castle.
Freddy: Nice grouping.
Inspector Kemp: Thank you.
Freddy: I wouldn't think an intellegent fellow like you would fall for all this superstitious rot.
Inspector Kemp: It is not superstition that worries me, Herr Doctor, but genes and chromosomes.
Freddy: Rubbish.
Inspector: Oh well you might say, But this is Transylvania and you are a Frankenstein. You, uh, seem unusually upset by this discussion.
Freddy: Not in the least. I find it extremely amusing, that's all. Well, this was fun. And now, if you don't mind, Inspector, I'm a little bit tired.
Inspector Kemp: Then I may give the villagers you complete assurance that you have no interest whatsoever in carrying on your grandfather's work.
Monster (OS): Mmm.
Inspector Kemp: May I take that as a yes?
Freddy: Mmm.
Inspector Kemp: Very well.
Freddy: I think you can find the way out by yourself, can't you?
Inspector Kemp: Of course. Until we meet again, Baron.
Freddy: Yes, drop by anytime. We're always open.

EXT. - FRANKENSTEIN CASTLE

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

FraŘ Blucher: Victor, Victor, we have done it. I'm going to set you free. Would you like that? They just wanted to hurt you. But I'm going to help you.
Freddy: Thank heaven that's over with. FraŘ Blucher.
FraŘ Blucher: Stop. Don't come closer.
Freddy: What are you doing?
FraŘ Blucher: I'm going to set him free.
Inga: No, no, you mustn't.
FraŘ Blucher: Yes.
Freddy: Are you insane? He'll kill you.
FraŘ Blucher: No he won't, not this one. He is as gentle as a lamb.
Monster: Mmm.
Freddy: Stand back, stand bak, for the love of God. He has a rotten brain.
FraŘ Blucher: It's not rotten, it's a good brain.
Freddy: It's rotten I tell you, rotten.
Monster: Mmm.
Igor: Ix-nay on the otten-ray.
FraŘ Blucher: I'm not afraid. I know what he likes.
Freddy: That music.
FraŘ Blucher: Yes, it's in your blood. It's in the blood of all Frankensteins. It reaches the soul when words are useless. Your grandfather used to play it to the creature he was making.
Freddy: Then it was you all the time.
FraŘ Blucher: Yes.
Freddy: You played that music in the middle of the night.
FraŘ Blucher: Yes.
Freddy: To get us into the laboratory.
FraŘ Blucher: Yes.
Freddy: That was your cigar smoldering in the ashtray.
FraŘ Blucher: Yes.
Freddy: And it was you who left my grandfather's book out for me to find.
FraŘ Blucher: Yes.
Freddy: So that I could-
FraŘ Blucher: Yes.
Freddy: Then you and Victor were-
FraŘ Blucher: Yes. Yes. Say it. He was my boyfriend.
Monster: Oww. Ahh.
Freddy: Come back, come back, for the love of God, come back.
FraŘ Blucher: You'll never catch him now. He's free. Do you hear me? Free.

EXT. - FRANKENSTEIN CASTLE

Monster: Ahh.
Freddy: Gone, gone, we've got to find him, do you understand? We've got to find him before he kills someone. What have I done? Oh, God in heaven, what have I dont?

EXT. - WELL

Helga: Oh I love my pretty little flower. Oh I love my pretty little flower. Oh I love my flower.

INT. - HELGA'S COTTAGE

Father: When monster is loose, boards must be tight. Thank God you put Helga to bed. With all of this minster business, I take no chances. I remember the last time.
Mother: But Papa, I told you I was turning the roastbraten. Don' you remember? I asked you to put Helga to bed.

EXT. - WELL

Helga: Now throw a kiss and say bye-bye. Oh dear, nothing left, what shall we throw in now?

INT. - HELGA'S COTTAGE

Father: Maybe she was in the bathroom when you looked?
Mother: B-B-B-But i didn't look upstairs. I thought you did.
Father: You didn't look upstair-

EXT. - TEETER TOTTER

Helga: Sit down. Sit down.

INT. - HELGA'S BEDROOM

INT. - BLINDMAN'S COTTAGE

Harold: A visitor is all I ask for. A temporary companion just to help me pass a few short hours in my lonely life.
Monster: Mmm.
Harold: Thank you, Lord. Thank you.
Monster: Mmm.
Harold: Oh, no no, don't speak. Don't speak. Don't say a word. My joy, my happiness, and my prize from heaven. You must have been the tallest one in your class. My name is Harold and I live here all alone. What is your name?
Monster: Mmm.
Harold: I didn't get that. Oh forgive me. I didn't realize you were a mute. You see how heaven plans, me a poor blindman, and you, you a mute. An incredibly big mute. But your hand is frozen my poor child. You must be cold and hungry. How does a nice bowl of soup sound to you, huh? Yes, well I know what it means to be cold and hungry, yes. And how much it means to have a little kindness from a stranger. Are you ready for your soup. Hold out your bowl now. Oh, my friend, my friend. you don't know what your visit means to me. How long I've waited for the pleasure of another human being. Sometimes in our preoccupation-
Monster: Mmm.
Harold: -and our worldly matters, we tend to forget the simple pleasures-
Monster: Mmm.
Harold: -that are the basis of true happiness. Yes yes yes, oh. And now, a little wine with your soup. Good, good good good, yes. Wait, a toast. A toast to, yes, to a long friendship. How hungry you must have been. And now, and now, and now for a little surprise. For a special occasion I've been saving, cigars. Take one. Go on.
Monster: Mmm.
Harold: What? No, no no no no. Fire is good. Fire is good, yes. Fire is our friend, yes. Let me show you, let me show you. You see, you see, yeah. Do you have your cigar? Let me see, let me see. Alright. Now now now. Now, just hold it right there. Now, don't inhale until the tip glows.
Monster: Wow. Mmm.

EXT. - BLINDMAN'S COTTAGE

Harold: Wait, wait. Where are you going? I was going to make espresso.

EXT. - STREET

Monster: Ahh.
Freddy: Now. Help me.
Monster: Ahh.
Freddy: Quick, the sedative. He's out.
Igor: I know.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S PRIVATE LIBRARY

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

Freddy: I'm going in there. Bring me that candle.
Igor & Inga: No.
FraŘ Blucher: Yes.
Freddy: Love is the only thing that could save this poor creature, and I'm going to convince him that he is loved. Even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I scream, do not open this door, or you will undo everything I've worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door.
Inga: Yes doctor.
Igor: Nice working with you.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S PRIVATE LIBRARY

Monster: Mmm.
Freddy: Let me out, let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. What's a matter with you people, I was joking. Don't you know a joke when you hear one, ha ha ha ha.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

Freddy (OS): Jesus Christ, get me out of here.

INT. -VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S PRIVATE LIBRARY

Freddy: Open this goddamn door, I'll kick your rotten heads in. Mommy.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

FraŘ Blucher: Nein.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S PRIVATE LIBRARY

Freddy: That was a summit. Fine. Hello handsome. You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you. People hate you. But why do they hate you? Because they are jealous. Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you want to talk about phyisical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the olympian ideal? You are a god. And listen to me, you are not evil, you are good. Oh, this is a nice boy, this is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know, without any shame, that we love him. Oh, I'm going to teach you, I'm going to show you how to walk how to speak how to move how to think. Together you and I are going to make the single greatest contribution to science since the creation of fire.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

Inga: Dr. Fronkonsteen, are you all right?

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S PRIVATE LIBRARY

Freddy: My name is Frankenstein.

EXT. - THEATER

INT. - THEATER

Announcer: Distinguished Colleagues, Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight it is my privilege of introducing to you, a man whose family name was once both famous, and infamous. And now may I present Dr. Baron Frederick Von Frankenstein.
Freddy: My fellow Scient-
Audience Member: Sss.
Freddy: Tists and Neurosurgeons, Ladies and Gentlemen, a few short weeks ago, coming from a background, believe me, as conservative and traditionally grounded in scientific fact as any of you, I began an expiroment in, incredulous as it may sound, the reanimation of dead tiissue. What I have to offer you might be the gateway to immortality. Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present for your intellectual and philosophical pleasure, the Creature. Please, remain in your seats, I beg you. We are not children here, we are scientists. I assure you there is nothing to fear. First, may I offer for your consideration, a neurological demonstration of the primary cerebeller functions, balance and coordination. Walk heel-to-toe. Backwards.

INT. - BACKSTAGE

INT. - THEATER

Freddy: Ladies and Gentlemen, up until now you have seen the Creature perform the simple mchanics of motor activity. But for what you are about to see next, we must enter, quietly, nto the realm of genius. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mesdames et Messieurs, Damen und Herren, from what was once an inarticulater mass of lifeless tissues, may I present a cultured, sophosticated, Man About Town. Hit it.

"Puttin' on the Ritz"
Freddy:
If you're blue and you don't know
Where to go to, why don't you go
Where fashion sits?

Monster:
Puttin' on the Ritz

Freddy:
Different types who wear a day coat
Pants with stripes or cutaway coat
Perfect fits

Monster:
Puttin' on the Ritz

Freddy:
Dressed up like a million dollar trouper
Trying mighty hard to look like Gary Cooper
Monster:
Super-Dooper

Freddy:
Come lets mix where Rockefellers
Walk with sticks or umberellas
In their mitts

Monster:
Puttin' on the Ritz

Monster: Ahh.
Freddy: Nothing, nothing I tell you. Five six seven eight. For God's sake come on, are you trying to make me look like a fool? I beg you, for safety's sake, don't humiliate him. Come back. Do you understand me? I will not let you destroy my work. As your creator I command you to come back.
Monster: Ahh.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

Freddy: Chained. Chained like a beast in a cage.
Inga: Oh, Doctor, I feel so terrible.
Freddy: There's only one answer. If I could find a way to equalize the imbalance in his cerebrospinal fluid. Why, he'd be as right as rain. But how? How, before it's too late?
Inga: Oh, Frederick, if only there was someway I could relieve this torture you're going through. If there was someway I could help you to relieve the tension. If there were someway I could give you a little peace.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY - LATER

FraŘ Blucher: Doctor, I have- Doctor?
Freddy: What is it?
FraŘ Blucher: Doctor, where are you I'm sorry, Doctor, this cable came while you were gone.
Freddy: I thought I told you never to interrupt me while I'm working.
FraŘ Blucher: I'm sorry, Doctor, I thought it was an emergency. You see, your fiancee will be arriving any second.
Freddy: My Elizabeth, tonight?
FraŘ Blucher: Yes, I will go prepare her room at once. I suggest you put on a tie.

EXT. - FRANKENSTEIN CASTLE

Elizabeth: Darling.
Freddy: Darling.
Elizabeth: Surprised?
Freddy: Surprised.
Elizabeth: Love me?
Freddy: Love you. Well, let's turn in.
Elizabeth: Darling?
Freddy: It's been a long day, I'm sure you're very tired. I'll just pay the driver.
Igor: Darling.
Elizabeth: What?
Igor: Surprised?
Elizabeth: I, um, yes.
Igor: Love me?
Elizabeth: Well-
Igor: Well, let's turn in.
Elizabeth: Uh.
Freddy: Darling.
Igor: Say nothing, act casual
. Elizabeth: Yes.
Freddy: Ready.
Elizabeth: Yes, I think I am a bit tired after all.
Freddy: I'd like you to meet my assistants Inga and Igor.
Elizabeth: How do you do? How do you do?
Freddy: This is my financier Elizabeth.
Inga: Oh, I'm so happy to meet you at last.
Freddy: Financee.
Elizabeth: Excuse me darling, what is it exactly that you do do?
Inga: Uh, well, I assist Dr. Frinkensteen in the laboratory. We have intellectual discussions on we-. As a matter of fact we were just having one as you entered, aren't we now? What?
Freddy: Igor, will you give me a hand with the bags?
Igor: Certainly, you take the blonde and I'll take the one with the turbon.
Freddy: Stop that. I'm talking about the luggage.
Igor: Yes, master.
Freddy: Ladies, this way.
Igor: It's gonna be a long night, if you need any help with the girls, please don't hesitate.

INT. - JAIL

Jailer: you settle down now, cause we're gonna be pals, right? Nice and cozy. Just like old friends.
Monster: Mmm.
Jailer: What's the matter? You're afraid of this little fire? This can't hurt you, see?
Monster: Mmm.
Jailer: Some monster you are. See, Mama was right. Little boys aren't sopposed to play with fire, is they? Cause they might get hurt.

EXT. - VILLAGE SQUARE

Inspector Kemp: Wait. A riot is an ungly thing. And i think it is just about time that we had one.
Villager: Kill the monster.
Inspector Kemp: As heaven is my witness, he will curse the day that he was born a Frankenstein.
Villagers: What?
Inspector Kemp: I said he will curse the day that he was born a Frankenstein.

INT. - ELIZABETH'S BEDROOM

Freddy: Loose. He's broken loose. Do you know what that means?
Elizabeth: Darling, you musn't worry so.
Freddy: I soppose you're right
. Elizabeth: Of course I am. Now come along like a good boy.
Freddy: What would I do without you?
Elizabeth: Is your room just down the hall incase I get the frights during the night?
Freddy: Well, yes, But I, I thought perhaps tonight, under the circumstances I might stay here with you.
Elizabeth: Would you want me like this now, so soon before our wedding? So near we can almost tough it?
Freddy: Yes.
Elizabeth: Well, oh boy, or, or to wait just a little while longer, whin I can give myself without hesitation? When I could be totally and unashamedly and legaly yours.
Freddy: I suppose you're right.
Elizabeth: Of course I'm right. I always am. Now give me a kiss and say good night. No tongues. Good night, darling
Freddy: Good night, honey.
Elizabeth: Good night, sweetheart.
Freddy: Good night, sweetheart.
Elizabeth: I love you.
Freddy: I love you too.
Elizabeth: You love me? I love you, honey. Sweet dreams, darling.
Freddy: Sweet dreams.
Elizabeth: Good night don't let the bed bugs bite.

EXT. - STREET

Monster: Ahh.

INT. - ELIZABETH'S BEDROOM

Elizabeth: He has loosed the fateful lightning of his terrible swift sword. His truth is marching on. Da ta ta ta ta ta. Glory, glory hallelujah. Glory, glory hallelujah. Glory-

EXT. - SKY

Elizabeth (OS): Ahh.

EXT. - FRANKENSTEIN CASTLE

EXT. - FRAKENSTEIN CASTLE - LATER

EXT. - WOODS

EXT. - WOODS - LATER

INT. - CAVE

Elizabeth: Where am I? Ahh. Who are you? What, who, who, what, what are you? What do you want? What do you want to do with me?
Monster: Mmm.
Elizabeth: Calm down. I'm not afraid of you. How much do you want to let me go? My father is very rich. You could have the entire world at your fingertips. Listen, I have to be back by eleven thirty I'm expecting a very important call. Speak, speak. Why don't yop speak? What are you doing? Oh, you can't be serious. I'm a, I, woof. I'm, I'm engaged, and once her took my but I didn't, it was never- Oh, ah, oh, ah, ah. Ah, sweet mystery of life at last I found you.
Monster: Mmm. Mmm.
Elizabeth: Ah, at last I know the secret of you are-
Monster: Mmm.

EXT. - WOODS

Elizabeth: Penny for your thoughts.
Monster: Mmm.
Elizabeth: You're incorrigible. Aren't you?
Monster: Mmm.
Elizabeth: You little zipper neck.
Monster: Mmm.
Elizabeth: All right, seven has always been my lucky number. Come over here you hot monster.
Monster: Mmm.
Elizabeth: What is it? What's the matter? Is it that music? It's probably just some nearby cottage. Nothing to worry about. Where are you going? Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and you're off with the boys. You'd better keep your mouth shut. Oh, I think I love him.

EXT. - ROOF OF FRANKENSTEIN CASTLE

Inga: Oh, look, he's coming back. Oh, look, that music, oh keep playing. It's the music. It's the music that's bringing him back. Come on. Come, come on. Come on. Come on. Come, come, oh, you can do it. Come, come on you can do it.
Freddy: Don't touch him, he wants to do it by himself. You can do it. You can do it. Please, my creation.
Monster: Ahh.
Freddy: Quick, catch him. Have all the preparations been made for the transference?
Inga: Yes, Doctor.
Igor: Are you sure you want to go through with this?
Freddy: It's the only thing that can save him now.
Igor: You realize you're risking both your lives.
Freddy: Yes.

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

Igor: Switching off.
Inga: How, how will I know when they're done?
Igor: The doctor said to allow fifteen minutes. Not one second more or less.

EXT. - FRANKENSTEIN CASTLE

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

Inga: How long now?
Igor: Two more minutes.

EXT. - FRANKENSTEIN CASTLE

Inspector Kemp: Eins zwei drei. Eins zwei drei. Eins zwei drei.

INT. - RECEPTION HALL

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

Inga: What's that noise?
Igor: I don't know.
Inga: What time is it?
Igor: Almost time.

INT. - SECRET PASSAGEWAY

INT. - VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN'S LABORATORY

Inga: Oh my God, it's the villagers. No, no, please. Just another seven seconds. No no no no no.
Monster: Put that man down.
First Villager: It's the monster.
Second Villager: Naw, it can't be.
First Villager: It is.
Monster: I said put that man down.
Inspector Kemp: And just who do you think you are that you order these people around?
Monster: I am the monster
Inspector Kemp: Yeah, I see that you are the monster.
Monster: For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body, and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness I decided that if I couldn't inspire love, which was my deepest hope, I would instead cause fear. I live because this poor, hal-crazed genious has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay our of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a slightly more sophisticated way of expressing myself.
Inspector Kemp: Well, this is of course an entirely different situation. As the leader of this community, may I be the first to offer you my hand in friendship.
Monster: Thank you.
Inspector Kemp: You are entirely welcome. And no let us all go to my house for a little spunge cake and a little wine and- Oh shit. To the lumberyard.

INT. - FREDDY'S BEDROOM

Freddy: Hello, Mrs. Frankenstein.
Inga: Mrs. Frankenstein. What a beautiful name.
Freddy: Oh darling.
Inga: Hold on to your hat.
Freddy: What?
Inga: I'll be right back.
Freddy: I'm holding on to it, darling.
Inga (OS): Just a few more seconds.

INT. - MODERN BEDROOM

Elizabeth (OS): Honey, honey, I hope you didn't find Daddy's little party too boring. I mean he did it just for you and he meant so well. Tell me you liked it.
Monster: Mm mmm.
Elizabeth (OS): I know mommy's just a scatterbrain without a serious thought in her head, but you love her just a little bit, don't you?
Monster: Mm mmm.
Elizabeth (OS): I'm ready for bed sweetheart, almost done? Honey, did you see? I put a special hamper in the bathroom just for your shirts and the other one is for socks and poo-poo undies. Here I come.
Monster: Mmm.

INT. - FREDDY'S BEDROOM

Freddy: Mmm. Mmm.
Inga: Mmm, the feeling is mutual. you know, it's a puzzlement, there's something I've always wanted to ask you about that operation. You know in ther transference part, the monster got a part of your wonderful brain, but what did you ever get from him?
Freddy: Mmm.
Inga: No, ohh, I don't believe, ohh, oh. Ah, sweet mystery of life at last I found you.

EXT. - IGOR'S BALCONY