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My Life, My Interests
This Web last Updates March 29, 2004
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Motherhood is something I never expected to hold such an all-encompassing hold on my life. Babies scared me, I was nervous around parents, and yet I spent years vacillating over the motherhood vs. childfree concepts. I was diagnosed with advanced endometriosis, and questionable fertility, when I was 24. I became pregnant at 29, avoiding the drug and surgical focus for which we had just made plans. This has been an intense, exhausting, core-changing experience for me-- and at the same time the most rewarding and amazing experience of my life.
Maeve's becoming has been poignant because of the coinciding illness and death of my father. My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer the same week I found out I was pregnant. Dealing with the illness of a parent is never easy, but combining that with the raging emotions and insecurities of pregnancy left me feeling doubly vulnerable and confused. I was faced with coming to terms with the limited relationship I had with my father and how to be with him in the end of his life, struggling with how I was raised and what that meant to me in my search to find how to be a mother and how to be a partner to my baby's father, and how to manage caring for a young baby while falling deeply into grief after my father died (Maeve was 8 months old.)
Check the parenting link above for more information and fun.
My husband, for having the strength to take this journey with me and trust my instincts, even when he has not been so sure.
My sisters, for both showing me positive models of parenting. Desi for understanding how deeply I felt different and dangerous because of my past, for offering constant reassurance that "This too shall pass", and for remaining my mother-spirit even though I am no longer the tiny child she cared for. Destiny for showing me wisdom beyond her years, and unerring support and patience.
My "identical friend" for asking me to be there for her baby's birth and showing me the strength a woman has.
All my girlfriends, for their hours of phone and e-mail support, sharing their mothering with me.
My brother Rhett, for his gentleness and willingness to help.
My midwives and my doctor for their terrific support, teaching, and reassurance during my pregnancy and Maeve's birth, as well as afterwards.
My daughter, for being very determined.