This is a section for some pretty long jokes. Read these when you have the time. These take the most memory on my notepad thing, so I'll probably have to split this up in the future.
UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAYCHECK
Gross pay - $1222.02
Income Tax - 244.40
Outgo Tax - 45.21
State Tax - 11.61
Interstate Tax - 61.10
County Tax - 6.11
City Tax - 12.22
Rural Tax - 4.44
Back Tax - 1.11
Front Tax - 1.16
Side Tax - 1.61
Up Tax - 2.22
Down Tax - 1.11
Tic-Tacs - 1.98
Thumbtacks - 3.93
Carpet Tacks - 0.98
Stadium Tax - 0.69
Flat Tax - 8.32
Surtax - 3.46
Ma'am Tax - 2.60
Parking Fee - 5.00
No Pkg Fine - 10.00
F.I.C.A. - 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund - 9.95
Life Ins. - 5.85
Health Ins. - 16.23
Disability - 2.50
Ability - 0.25
Liability Ins. - 3.41
Dental Ins. - 4.50
Mental Ins. - 4.33
Reassurance - 0.11
Coffee - 6.85
Coffee Cups - 66.51
Calendar - 3.06
Floor Rental - 16.85
Chair Rental - 0.32
Desk Rental - 4.32
Union Dues - 5.85
Union Don'ts - 3.77
Cash Advances - 0.69
Cash Retreats - 121.35
Overtime - 1.26
Undertime - 54.83
Eastern Time - 9.00
Central Time - 8.00
Mountain Time - 7.00
Pacific Time - 6.00
Bath Time - 4.44
Time Out - 12.21
Oxygen - 10.02
Water - 16.54
Heat - 51.42
Air - 46.83
Misc - 144.38
Take Home Pay: $0.02
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."
The Five Toughest Questions That
Women Ask Men And The Answers You Need...
The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers
incorrect (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service,
each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
1. What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is "I'm sorry if I've
been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are and how
lucky I am to have met you."
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al
Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I
was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
2. Do you love me?
The proper response is "YES!", or if you feel a more
detailed answer is in order "Yes, dear".
Inappropriate responses include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love. (Clinton's response)
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
3. Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic "Of course not!"
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're thighs sure do make a lot
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.
4. Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic "Of course
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty.
e. Could you repeat the question, I was thinking of the insurance
5. What would you do if I died?
A definite no win question here. (The real answer, of course, is
"Buy a new Porsche.")
No matter how you answer this question, be prepared for at least
an hour of follow-up question, usually along these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not ... don't you like being married?
Man: Of course, I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you re-marry?
Man: OK, I'd get married again.
Woman: YOU WOULD (hurtful look on face)??
Man: Yes, I would.
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with hers?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them, she is left handed.
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD:
Leaps tall building in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Discusses policy with God.
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if the sea is calm.
Talks with God.
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.
Barely clears a Quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Talks to animals.
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times.
Is not issued ammunition.
Can't stay afloat with a life preserver.
Talks to walls.
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building.
Says "look at the choo-choo."
Wets him/herself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to him/herself.
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth.
Freezes water with a single glance.
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN WORK AND PRISON...
Maybe prison isn't so bad...
IN PRISON You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON You get three meals a day.
AT WORK You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all
the doors yourself.
IN PRISON You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON You get your own toilet.
AT WORK You have to share.
IN PRISON They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON All expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required by
AT WORK You get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside
wanting to get out.
AT WORK You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
IN PRISON There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK You get fired if you get caught.
NOW GET BACK TO WORK!
Bill Gates died and found himself in purgatory being sized up by St.
Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society
enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet
you also created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something
I've never done before in your case: I'm going to let you decide
where you want to go."
Bill replied, "What's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if
it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill. "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful and clean. Bill saw a sandy
beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around,
playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was
shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I really want to
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about,
playing harps and singing. It was very nice, but not as enticing as
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I
think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to
see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill
shackled to a wall in a dark cave, screaming amongst hot flames, being
burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
With his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, Bill responded,
"This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago!
I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place,
with the beautiful beaches and the scantily clad women playing in the
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a stunningly beautiful young
woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black
leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the
height of the bus' first step.
So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this
would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make
the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and
unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted
the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg
because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the
offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her
up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at
him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!!!"
At this the Texan drawled: "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind a figured that we was
Symptom: Beer is crystal clear
Fault: It's water. Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action to take: Punch the guy who gave you the water.
Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action to take: See if they have free beer.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Fault: Glass or bottle held at incorrect angle
Action to take: Adjust angle so open end points to ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Fault: improper bladder control
Action to take: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training
Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
Fault: Glass or bottle is empty
Action to take: Get someone to buy you another beer
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with florescent lights
Fault: You have fallen over backward
Action to take: Chain yourself to the bar
Symptom: Mouth filled with cigarette butts
Fault: You have falled forward
Action to take: see above
Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your t-shirt is wet
Fault: Mouth not open, or container applied to wrong part of face
Action to take: Enter bathroom, confirm mouth location, practice in the mirror
Symptom: Floor blurred
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty container
Action to take: Get someone to buy you another beer
Symptom: Floor moving
Fault: You are being carried out
Action to take: Find out if you're being taken to another bar
Symptom: Room seems unusually dark
Fault: Bar is closed
Action to take: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home
Symptom: Taxi is unusually colorful and "pretty"
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Action to take: Cover mouth
Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles
Fault: You are dancing on the bar
Action to take: Find someone cushy-looking to land on
Symptom: Your singing sound distorted
Fault: Insufficient beer intake
Action to take: Increase beer intake until it sounds just right
Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song
Fault: Correct beer intake
Action to take: Play air guitar
Symptom: Unattractive woman in your sights
Fault: Insufficient beer intake
Action to take: Up the dosage
Symptom: Shins and toes hurt
Fault: You've been walking into things
Action to take: Mantain dosage
Symptom: Squishy feeling in the hands
Fault: You've grabbed a woman's breasts
Action to take: If boyfriend exists, duck to avoid punch. If no boyfriend exists, ask for name and phone number
Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
Fault: You've been in a fight
Action to take: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Symptom: Bed is stiff and bumping around, wierd people standing around you
Fault: Taking a ride in an ambulance
Action to take: No action necessary, you've already made an ass out of yourself.
There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.
Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.
"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.
Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.
Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"
So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.
"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."
"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"
"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."
The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.
"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"
"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"
So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.
"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"
"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"
Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.
Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."
Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."
It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."
Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."
The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."
Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."
Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."
It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."
The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."
It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.
What's the moral of the story? Don't stand up in a boat.
One day a American, Jacob, and his friend, Bubba, decided to take a tour of Europe. They arrived in England and started site seeing around town. Everywhere that they went, people would shout out "Hello Bubba!" Bubba would just nod, or say hello back. They continued on to France, and the situation was the same. Everyone would call out to Bubba. Well Jacob was very curious about this, and that night he talked to Bubba.
"Bubba, everyone here and in England seem to know you so well, what gives?"
"Oh, I'm just popular, that's all."
It seemed like a odd explanation, but Jacob let it drop. The next day, they visited Germany. Again, everybody was saying hello to Bubba, and Jacob just couldn't understand, so he mentioned to Bubba again.
"Bubba, come on man, what gives? People in three different nations are calling out to you."
"They just know me, that's all. I'm very well networked."
Once again, Jacob let it drop at that.
On the next day, they went through Italy. And wouldn't you know it, everyone called out to Bubba by name. Jacob couldn't stand it any longer.
"Bubba, what is going on?"
"Nothing, they just know me, that's all. Everybody does."
"Everybody? No way."
"Yes Jacob, everybody. Look, tomorrow, we're going to visit the Vatican, right? I'll get myself a private audience with the Pope to prove it."
They made a small wager, and set out to the Vatican the next day. Then, Bubba disappeared for awhile. Later on, the Pope gave an appearance to the crowd that day, and at his right side, was none other than Bubba. Jacob was completely mystified. He picked up a conversation with the man next to him. "I can't believe it! Everywhere I go he knows everybody! And now he is standing up there!" Jacob cried up to the man. To which, the man replied, "You mean the man standing next to Bubba?"
Farmer Joe was in an accident with a semi-truck. Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.'"
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, you were fine?"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road . . . "
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
But by this time, the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown in one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'''
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she
decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the
receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like
cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam," he replied.
"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a
couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for
the night. The night passed uneventfully, and next morning, Mary came
down early to check out.
The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't
think I have had better. Shame about the eggs ....they really weren't
that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest
Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would
value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary, who then checked out, paused
awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to
continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary
had written. She wrote:
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then threw him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill." In disgust the bartender says, "what, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."
There were 5 people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting
ready to crash; however, there were only 4 parachutes. Everyone
wondered what should be done to determine who should get the
One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of
the earth, and that he was too smart to die. So, he took one of the
parachutes and jumped out the aircraft.
The second person said that she was too important to die...she had
children and a family to take care of...they depended on her to care
for them. So, she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the
The third person said the he was too important to die because his
family depended on him for survival because he was the head of house
hold and the sole bread winner. So, he took one of the parachutes and
jumped out of the aircraft.
Finally, there were only two people left, and one parachute. One
person was a 12-year-old boy, and the other was a 65-year-old man.
The old man said, "Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too
young to die...you have a long life ahead of you. So, you take the
The boy asked, "Why, Sir?"
The old man said, "Well, there is only one parachute left."
The little lad said, "Sir there are really two parachutes left."
The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, "Yeah? How?"
"Well," replied the boy, "you know that guy who thought he was the
smartest and greatest thing that hit the face of earth? He grabbed my
A Visitors' Guide to Dallas, Texas
(Life in America's fifth largest city.)
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules....Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.
3. All directions start with, "Go down to Beltline"...which has no beginning and no end.
4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "scenic drive."
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.
7. Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native. The same holds true for Wycliff Avenue, Worcola Street, Sul Ross and Routh Street.
8. Construction on I-30 is a way of life and form of entertainment.
9. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Fort Worth!!"
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
11. All old ladies with blue hair in pink Cadillacs have the right of way.
12. Story Road mysteriously changes names as you cross intersections. Unless you're on Storey Rd......
13. If asking directions in Irving, you must have knowledge of Spanish.
14. Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal buildings connected by one tram that never works.
15. A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.
16. The wrought iron on windows in and around Oak Cliff isn't ornamental.
17. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says,"Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone. Concealed weapons are a jealously guarded, God-given right.
18. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone...people are not waving when they go by.
19. The North Dallas Toll way is our daily version of NASCAR.
20. LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."
21. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
22. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Live Stock show is going on.
23. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round.
24. Amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and still shows no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.
Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It really works! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the first time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house!"
A man developed a pain in his arm and decided to go to the doctor.
He arrived early and was checked in by the receptionist who told him
to give her a urine sample. "But I'm not here for a check-up", the
man replied. "I only have a pain in my arm."
"That's O.K., sir. The doctor has a new diagnostic machine to save
time. Just leave a urine sample and I will call you to come in when
the test is complete."
The man was skeptical, and became irritated that the doctor thought
his machine was so good he didn't need to speak with his patients.
"So," he thought, "I'll teach him." He asked to take the cup home and
bring it in the next day. The nurse agreed, and the man left.
When he got home, he explained everything to his family and asked for
their help. They agreed, and everyone contributed a urine sample to
the cup. The next day, before he left, the man became cocky and
contributed semen to the cup. "This ought to fix him", thought the
man. He then delivered the specimen to the doctor's office.
Early the next day, the receptionist called the man to come in "right
away". After waiting only a few minutes, he was called in to see the
doctor. The doctor was leaning back in his chair and giving the man
the once over. The doctor asked, with a wry smile on his face, "You
think you're smart, don't you?" The man appeared surprised. "Well",
the doctor said, "the joke's on you. According to my analysis, your
daughter's pregnant, your wife has VD, your dog has the mange, and if
you don't stop beating off, you're never going to get rid of that
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Arizona. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Arizona. We settle small disagreements like this with the Arizona Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Arizona Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"
A Girl's First Time!
Assume you are a girl (if you are a boy).
It's your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience...
You smile and thank your dentist!
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinkin'? PERVERT I know what you were thinking!