Oh Mah Gawd! Ah can’t believe what Ah just did.... Ah just... Ah almost killed Logan. Ah didn’t mean t’.... It wasn’t s’pose t’ happen. Ah’d never want t’ hurt Logan.... He saved mah life. He didn’t hafta... but he did.... An’ Ah know that it wasn’t his fault that he stabbed me.... Ah shouldn’t o’ gone inta his room. It was an idiotic mistake. Ah just couldn’t bear the thought o’ somethin’ bad happenin’ t’ him even if it was only a nightmare.... Stupid mistake on mah part.....
An’ now everyone’s scared o’ me. Why can’t Ah just find a place t’ fit in. It shouldn’t be that hard. Everyone’s s’posed t’ have a place where they belong an’ Ah really thought this would be the place where Ah’d belong.
Guess Ah was wrong.
One day here an’ Ah’ve already almost killed someone.
The best thing fer me t’ do is leave. Which is exactly what Ah’m gonna do.
Mah roommates aren’t back yet so Ah can sneak out now. All mah stuff’s still packed away which is good. Everythin’ Ah have that important t’ me’s in that bag an’ Ah don’t wanna leave any o’ it behind. All Ah hafta do is change back outta mah nightgown an’ Ah can go. They’ll all be so concerned with Logan that they won’t notice me gone till it’s too late.
All right, Ah’m changed. Ah’m packed. Ah’m all ready t’ go.
There’s too many voices out in the hallway so Ah’d better go out the window. It’ll be better that way. Just toss mah bag out onta the lawn an’ climb down the side o’ the house. Ah did it back home when Ah left. It’s not that hard t’ climb down the side o’ a house. ‘Specially not one with those ivy ladders. If the ivy can crawl up the ladders so can Ah.
Bag’s on the ground, now it’s time fer me t’ go. Ah wish Ah could see Logan one last time fer Ah leave. Just t’ make sure that Ah haven’t hurt him too much.
There’s a ledge out here. Ah can just slide across t’ Logan’s window an’ peer in. Ah didn’t hear anyone in his room so there should be no one t’ spot me. Ah really hope that there’s no one in here ‘cause Ah really wanna see Logan one last time fer Ah leave.
Shit, this is high. It didn’t look this high when Ah was in mah room. Why the hell did they hafta stick me on the top floor? Okay, Ah can do this. The ledge is ‘bout a foot wide. That’s plenty o’ room fer me. Just gotta shut the window an’ Ah can creep over t’ Logan’s room.
Logan looks so beautiful. So peaceful. An’ thank Gawd his chest is movin’ up an’ down. That means he’s alive. That Ah didn’t kill him. Ah wish Ah could touch him without suckin’ the life outta him. If Ah could just ran mah fingers along his cheek an’ not feel a sudden pull of memories that aren’t mine it would be more than Ah’ve ever wished fer. It’s funny, a year ago Ah’d get all pissy when mah Momma would try t’ kiss me on the cheek. Now Ah’d give just about anythin’ t’ feel her lips brushin’ against mah skin. Or t’ just be able t’ hold hands with someone an’ feel their skin insteada material. ‘Course, that’s a dream that’ll--
“Would you like to come in, child?”
Holy fuck! Ah damn near fell off the ledge! Ya’d think a smart person like the Professor would know better than t’ scare people who are standin’ on ledges.
“It’s prob’bly better if Ah stay out here,” Ah said softly, almost too soft fer him t’ hear. “Ah’m less likely t’ hurt Logan if Ah’m out here.”
The Professor just gave me a real pitiful look there. “I assure you that you pose no danger to Logan. In fact he should be waking very shortly.”
It was very temptin’ t’ go in there an’ sit next t’ Logan fer a few minutes ‘fore Ah left, but Ah shook mah head. “Ah really just wanted t’ see whether Logan was all right or not an’ since he is Ah should just be goin’.”
“You do know that there are much safer ways to check on Logan than climbing on the ledge?” the Professor inquired.
Ah nodded mah head, managin’ a tiny smile. “There prob’bly are, but Ah heard voices outside mah room an’ didn’t wanna run inta anyone. Ah’d rather not see them jump away from me in fear, thank ya very much.”
“I assure you, my dear, that is not the case,” he insisted, a sad look coming over his features.
“Well it sure looked that way t’ me,” Ah said with a shrug o’ mah shoulders. “Don’t worry ‘bout it. Ah’m used t’ people lookin’ at me like that. Kinda happens after ya put someone in a coma with a kiss. Ah always thought it was s’posed t’ be the other way ‘round, but Ah’ve been wrong before.”
The Professor folded his hands over his lap, starin’ at me rather intently. “And just when have you been wrong before?”
Ah sat mahself down on the ledge, mah feet danglin’ in the room. “Ah thought that Ah could belong here fer one. That turned out t’ be a joke.”
“Is that so? I had thought that you were fitting in here quite well, actually,” the Professor said with a raised eyebrow.
Ah rolled mah eyes an’ snorted quietly. “Yeah, well people’s opinions tend t’ change when ya nearly suck the life outta someone.”
“Is that your opinion or the opinion of others?”
“Does it really matter, Professor?” Ah asked with a loud sigh. “Point is, Ah don’t belong. Ah never belong. All part o’ bein’ on the outside. Most o’ ya’ll can fit in with normal humans pretty well. Ah can’t. Sure Ah may look normal, but all it’ll take is one accident an’ Ah could kill someone. D’ ya really think Ah want that on mah conscience. Hell, Ah almost killed Logan t’night an’ he saved mah life. Ah’m different than the rest o’ ya. Ah don’t belong anywhere.”
Wow, Ah didn’t think Ah had that in me. Ah’m almost on the verge o’ tears now, but Ah’m not gonna cry. Not in front o’ the Professor. Ah don’t need him pityin’ me. Ah don’t need anyone pityin’ me. Ah’m a lot stronger than they like t’ think. Ah can be on mah own an’ not curl up in a little ball an’ die. Ah’ll be able t’ survive even better now that Ah’ve got Logan in mah head. He’s been doin’ it fer fifteen years so Ah’m sure t’ get a few good pointers outta him. Ah’ll be just fine.
Now all Ah hafta do is get mahself t’ believe all that.
“I really do wish you would let us help you, Rogue,” the Professor said to me, his face all full o’ concern.
Ah’m shruggin’ again an’ glancin’ towards Logan. Ah’m not gonna see him after this so Ah might as well get a good picture o’ him in mah head. “Ah’m not a charity case, Professor. Ah can take care o’ mahself. In fact, Ah’d prefer that.”
The Professor shook his head and placed his hand on mah need. “I am not saying that you are incapable of taking care of yourself, Rogue. I am just making sure that you are aware of your options.”
“Ah don’t think it’s much o’ a choice, Professor. Ah can either stay here an’ be a freak among freaks or leave an’ be mah own person,” Ah tell him rather bluntly.
“Is that really how you see yourself, Rogue?”
“As a freak?” Ah ask, not meetin’ his eyes. “Sure. Ah can’t touch anyone else Ah kill them. Seems pretty harsh if ya ask me. It’s like livin’ in a bubble without bein’ able t’ bounce off walls an’ have it not hurt. Ah also don’t get t’ have a movie made ‘bout me like that one with John Travolta an’ the kid that lived in a bubble.”
“I do wish that you would let us help you, Rogue,” the Professor pleads with me without actually doin’ any pleadin’. It’s neat how he pulls that trick off.
Ah give him a weary smile, already pullin’ mah feet back out onta the ledge. “Ya did help me, Professor. Ya gave me a place to regroup an’ get mah thoughts in order. An’ now that they are, an’ Ah’ve almost killed someone, Ah think it’s better that Ah left.”
Ah can tell that he wants t’ protest more, but Ah’m climbin’ down the side o’ the buildin’ ‘fore he can. Who’d o’ ever thought that indoor rock climbin’ lessons Ah had in gym class would come in handy one day. Ah sure as hell didn’t. But Ah’m pretty damn thankful fer them as Ah climb down the side o’ this wall which is a lot steeper than it looked from mah window.
Finally, Ah’m on the ground without any broken limbs. Ah locate mah back an’ wave up at the Professor ‘fore Ah head ‘round t’ the front o’ the buildin’ an’ down the drive. The driveway’s real long, but it’s also well lit so Ah don’t go trippin’ over things along the way. Ah’m not in much o’ a hurry. Ah know the Professor won’t try t’ follow me or send anyone after me.
When Ah get t’ the big metal gate it’s locked. First real inconvenience Ah’ve had on mah escape, but it’s not a big one. Ah toss mah bag over an’ start climbin’ the brick wall just off t’ the side. Damn Ah wish Ah woulda known Ah’d be gettin’ such a workout t’night. Ah woulda eaten more at dinner. Still, Ah get t’ the top pretty quick.
Fer a few minutes Ah just sit there straddlin’ the top o’ the wall. Mah eyes are glued t’ the mansion. It looks so peaceful back there. Ya’d never know that someone almost died in there less than an hour ago. Two someone’s as a matter o’ fact. But Ah don’t blame Logan fer what happened. Ah can’t. It’s mah own damn fault fer goin’ in there. Ah knew ‘bout the claws an’ shoulda expected somethin’ like that.
But Ah was worried ‘bout him.
Logan was havin’ a nightmare an’ Ah wanted t’ wake him up so that he wouldn’t be havin’ it anymore. It looked like he was in pain. Like what he was dreamin’ ‘bout was real. When his back started archin’ an’ he started makin’ those little pained noises Ah knew that Ah couldn’t let him sleep anymore.
“Bye, Logan,” Ah whisper solemnly ‘fore Ah swing mah other leg over the side o’ the wall.
It’s time fer me t’ get goin’.
“You’d better not be plannin’ to go anywhere without me, kid.”
With that Ah promptly fall off the wall an’ land on the ground with a real painful thud. Last though Ah have ‘fore Ah dancin’ through green meadows singin’ showtunes t’ flyin’ horses an’ a few elves was that Ah saw a pair o’ intense hazel eyes just ‘fore Ah fell off the wall.
“... enough. You’re starting to scare me, kid.”
That’s Logan’s voice. Either Ah’m havin’ a real good dream now that the ponies an’ elves have left or it really was Logan who’d scared the shit outta me an’ made me fall.
“I really didn’t mean for you to fall off the wall, kid, so can you just open your eyes and let me know your okay?”
Ah prob’bly should let him know that Ah’m all right, but Ah’m a little miffed ‘bout the fact he made me fall off the wall. An’ Ah think Ah’m layin’ on a rock ‘cause mah ass is killin’ me. He sounds real upset, too.
“I swear I didn’t mean to hurt you back there, kid. I was just lost too much in the nightmare and woke up thinking you were one of them. You really shouldn’t have done that, kid. What were you thinking?”
“Ah was thinkin’ that Ah have a name an’ that it would be nice if ya’d use it,” Ah mumbled, finally decidin’ it was time t’ open mah eyes.
Logan let out a huge sigh o’ relief. “Damn it, k--Marie. Don’t scare me like that again.”
“Yer the one that made me fall off the wall,” Ah reminded him, slowly pushin’ mahself into an’ upright position with his help. “Do ya think ya could make a little more noise next time ya sneak up on me?”
“I wasn’t sneaking up on you. I was probably making enough noise to wake Scooter up. You just didn’t hear me,” Logan said, obviously feeling better after his near death experience à la me.
Ah looked down at mah lap, idly fiddlin’ with the cuff o’ mah sleeve. “Ah didn’t mean t’ hurt ya, Logan. Ya just looked so awful an’ Ah didn’t want ya t’ have mah death on yer conscience.”
Logan cupped his hand under the bottom o’ mah chin-- when did he get gloves? --an’ raised mah face up. “I’m glad you did it, Marie. I’m just sorry I didn’t leave you with any choice in the matter. It’s just.... When I have those dreams... it’s hard....”
Ah placed a thumb over his lips t’ stop his ramblin’. “Don’t worry ‘bout it, Logan. Ah have it all up here,” Ah said tappin’ the side o’ mah temple with mah free hand. “Ah know all ‘bout the nightmares an’ how hard it is fer ya t’ shake them off. It’s mah fault fer tryin’ t’ wake ya up.”
“No, it’s not. It’s no one’s fault. It’s just one of those things that happens. You deal with it and move on,” Logan said, soundin’ a lot more philosophical than Ah woulda expected from him.
“Which was what Ah was tryin’ t’ do ‘fore ya scared me half t’ death,” Ah informed him, grinnin’ slightly. “So, if ya’ll excuse me, Ah’m on mah way t’ the train station.”
Logan shook his head. “No you’re not.”
Ah hafta say Ah was a little taken aback by that. Ah’m not exactly good at bein’ order ‘round. “That so, sugah? An’ just why not?”
“‘Cause you’re gonna get on the back of that motorcycle there,” Logan said pointin’ t’ the bike parked just outside the gates, “then you and me are gonna hightail it outta here. I believe you said something about wanting to get to Alaska.”
Ah think mah jaw was somewhere on the ground at this point. Logan was volunteerin’’ t’ take me t’ Alaska. Logan. An’ as much as Ah wanted t’ get all weepy an’ throw mahself in his arms, Ah’d become a practical person over the past eight months.
“Ah can’t ask ya t’ do that, Logan. Yer in danger. Someone’s tryin’ t’ kill ya an’ it’s prob’bly better if ya stay here,” Ah told him, rememberin’ all too well the hairy mountain man who’d attacked us that mornin’.
Logan shook his head. “It’s better if I keep movin’, Marie. Harder for them to track me down. Besides, they probably don’t think I’m stupid enough to head back to the same area they attacked last time.”
“An’ what if they do?” Ah asked, still a little unwillin’ t’ believe what Logan was offerin’.
“Then we deal with them and move on,” Logan said, risin’ t’ his feet an’ pullin’ me up with him. “Are we done arguing now?”
Ah paused fer a moment t’ consider ‘fore noddin’ mah head. “Ah’m all outta arguments only if yer sure ya wanna do this.”
“I’m sure,” Logan said, a wide grin spreadin’ across his face. He grabbed mah bag an’ started over t’ the bike. “Now let’s get goin’. If we’re lucky we can be in Canada by morning,” Logan told me, all the while fastenin’ mah bag onta the back o’ the bike along side his. Must o’ gotten some stuff from the Professor ‘cause all Logan’s belongin’ got destroyed when his camper did.
Sure enough, by dawn Logan an’ Ah were leanin’ against a rail overlookin’ Niagara Falls. It was so peaceful, just the two o’ us an’ Ah’m glad Ah had Logan there t’ share it with me. It was so much better than the last time Ah’d been there. Middle o’ summer an’ the place was crowded with tourists.
After a while, Logan wrapped his arm ‘round mah shoulders an’ began t’ lead me away. We walked in silence, neither one o’ us needin’ t’ say a single word. We got back on the bike an’ Ah wrapped mah arms ‘round Logan’s waist as he sped away from the falls.
There was no map, this time.
Didn’t need one.
Ah trusted Logan t’ get us where we were goin’.
‘Sides, Ah wouldn’t o’ minded if Ah didn’t get t’ Alaska.
Ah had Logan an’ that was better than any set o’ snow capped mountains.