Ugly by Christopher

Effort means endless struggle against abandonment and betrayal

Every attempt is underscored with the desire to fail
Considerations for futile hands that break and assail
My skin when mind is distracted and its optimism frail
When even prescriptions mixed with alcohol won't prevail
To restrict the fits that keep me near the dark side of death's veil

I take late night walks in neighborhoods that might kill me
Because I look easy, a thrill that goes down willingly, take
What I have because I have nothing, no soft belly, no shrill
Shrieks of warning and no protests, just the aspiration for an
End by any means. I've grace enough to open up my face to the
Brute hand of an aggressor and turn the other cheek; take bullets
as gifts if they are given, pray to an unbelievable god for violence
done without expectations, atrocities that promise heaven
in the form of serrated blades driven far beyond the hope to heal.

I want for you to either love me or kill me or leave me alone and go away
So that I may do to myself what your ethics cry out against and say
Is intolerable, what has become my salvation; the ability to alter flesh,
To assume the identity of another, eat his brain, and take his place in society.

I know that all I am are these dull words that you see in front of you
I know that all I am are the emotions that I am too indifferent to express

I know what I am
And it is ugly