You may have heard that I'm the meanest cat around and sure I have done some of the crimes they say I've committed, but still I stand proudly by my claim. I did not kidnap Old Deuteronomy.
Wipe that look off your face! I'm telling the truth! Sheesh, just because a cat cheats one time at Old Maid he's scarred for life. And it wasn't totally my fault. It was my first game, how was I to know that using a second pack of cards was against the rules.
Anyway, like I was saying, I didn't kidnap him, he went with me to show me where to get some red embroidery thread.
Yes I embroider! My rats were learning from Jenyanydots ad I followed. I had nothing to do. Do you know how boring it is to sit in a small, dank lair and make evil plans? It's no picnic, son, let me tell you that! Besides that it cold in there, I made up some pillows to warm it up.
Do you know how dull that looked? Do know you know how many times I've started a sentence with 'do you know'? Oh, you do. Anyway, all that black décor just didn't fit with my clothing theme. A gangster must coordinate with every part of his operation. Otherwise he just isn't any good. With the fiery reds and oranges of my coat I need a lot of warm colours to balance out huge amounts of ebony in my lair.
Isn't that just the groovyest word ever? Let's all say it together, EH - BO - NI. Ebony. Almost as fun as " 'ing'. You have to agree, everyone needs a good ING in their day. EH - UNN - GUH! ING! ING! ING!!
Get off me! I'll stop dancing and singing. I promise! I don't care if you think my promises are crap; I'm telling a story here!
So, I learned embroidery.
Why, yes. I * have * taken home décor classes. Are they just the most helpful little things? I still go every Tuesday after bridge. Here's the address, you might enjoy it.
And don't you just love the style? It's a mixture of cross-hatching and straight lines. I really think the tiny splashes of white draw in some of the light.
Oh, you want to stop talking about my home and get back to the point of the story? Fine, but just you wait and see if I ever invite * you * to tea. The most popular place to go my lair is. It's because of all the time I spend making it comfortable yet elegant.
Then I ran out of red thread. The good, solid, bright red. And with the governor's cat coming to tea, I was desperate. I had to hurry! So I immediately ran over to Jennyanydots.
She wasn't there; the Jellicles had invited her to their ball. They never invite * me. * I've waited every year and still no invitation. Am I disformed or something? My mother never said I was ugly.
And that young, upstart Munkastrap wouldn't let me near her of course. He's just * so * cruel. I tried to reason, really I did, but I was so distraught and time was growing short. I really needed that thread!
After I got that little busybody off my back the others had fled. I had no hope of finding Jenny! Dejected I was heading home when I met up with Old Deuteronomy.
I told him of my plight and the kind-hearted soul said he would personally show me where to get my own thread.
My rats were so excited they started to jump about and hug him. They love embroidery thread so… Why were they there you say? I * always * take them with me when I go about town. Those little dears love outings so.
Then, while we were making our purchases Deuteronomy disappeared! Those pesky Jellicles magicked him back! The rude little dancers actually had the gale to assume that * I * would stoop as low as kidnapping!
And that awful song they made up about me. Really ---- I ---- would NEVER ---- do that. Excuse me, I'm a trifle emotional right now. We'll have to continue this conversation later when I'm back in control of myself. That dreadful song ails me. Good-bye. I think I must lie down….
