Funny Honey
Performed by Gwen Verdon as Roxie Hart, Barney Martin as Amos Hart, and Richard Korthaze as Sergeant Fogarty
Music and Lyrics by John Kander and Fred Ebb
Emcee: For her first number, Miss Roxie Hart would like to sing a song of love and devotion dedicated to her dear husband, Amos.
Roxie: Sometimes I'm right
Sometimes I'm wrong
But he doesn't care
He'll string along
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine
Sometimes I'm down
Sometimes I'm up
But he follows rounds like some droopy-eyed pup
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine
He ain't no sheik
That's no great physique
Lord knows he ain't got the smarts
But look at that soul
I tell ya that whole
Is a whole lot greater than the sum of his parts
And if you knew him like me
I know you'd agree
What if the world
Slandered my name?
Why he'd be right there
Takin' the blame
He loves me so
And it all suits me fine
That funny, sunny, honey, hubby
Of mine
(spoken) Amos: Man's got a right to protect his home and his loved ones, right?
Fogarty: Of course he has.
Amos: Well, I come in from the garage, Officer, and I see him comin' through the window.
Fogarty: Uh-huh.
Amos: With my wife, Roxie, there sleepin'... like an angel.
Fogarty: Uh-huh.
Amos: An angel.
Roxie: He loves me so
That funny honey of mine
Fogarty: Name of deceased: Fred Casely.
Amos: Fred Casely? How could he be a burglar? My wife knows him. He sold us our furniture.
Roxie: Lord knows he ain't got the smarts.
Amos: She lied to me! She told me he was a burglar!
Fogarty: You mean he was dead when you got home?
Amos: Yeah, she had him covered with a sheet already and was telling me that cock-and-bull story about some burglar and I ought to say I did it 'cause I was sure to get off. Burglar, huh? Roxie: Now he's shot off his trap
I can't stand that sap
Look at him go
Rattin', rattin' on me!
With just one more brain
What a half-wit he'd be
If they string me up
I'll know
I'll know who brought the twine!
That scummy, crummy, dummy, hubby
Of mine!
We Both Reached For the Gun
Performed by Gwen Verdon as Roxie Hart, Jerry Orbach as Billy Flynn, M. O'Haughey as Mary Sunshine, and Company as Reporters
Music and Lyrics by John Kander and Fred Ebb
Emcee: Mr. Billy Flynn sings the Press Conference Rag. Notice how his lips never move... almost.
Reporters: Where'd ya come from?
Billy/Roxie: Mississippi.
Reporters: And your parents?
Billy/Roxie: Very wealthy.
Reporters: Where are they now?
Billy/Roxie: Six feet under.
Billy: But she was granted one more start! Billy/Roxie: The Convent of the Sacred Heart. Reporters: When'd ya get here?
Billy/Roxie: 1920.
Reporters: How old were you?
Billy/Roxie: Don't remember.
Reporters: Then what happened?
Billy/Roxie: I met Amos
And he stole my heart away
Convinced me to elope one day! Mary Sunshine: (spoken) A chorus girl! A runaway marriage! Oh, it's too terrible, you poor, poor dear!
Reporters: Who's Fred Casely?
Billy/Roxie: My ex-boyfriend.
Reporters: Why'd ya shoot him?
Billy/Roxie: I was leavin'.
Reporters: Was he angry?
Billy/Roxie: Like a madman.
Still, I said, "Fred, move along."
Billy: She knew that she was doing wrong!
Reporters: Then, describe it.
Billy/Roxie: He came toward me.
Reporters: With a pistol?
Billy/Roxie: From my bureau.
Reporters: Did ya fight him?
Billy/Roxie: Like a tiger!
Billy: He had strength and she had none. Billy/Roxie: And yet, we both reached for the gun!
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes we both
Oh yes we both, oh yes we both
Reached for the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun
For the gun Reporters: Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both
Oh yes they both, oh yes they both
Reached for the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun
For the gun
Billy: Understandable!
Understandable!
Yes, it's perfectly
Understandable
Comprehensible!
Comprehensible!
Not a bit reprehensible
It's so defensible
Reporters: How ya feelin'?
Billy/Roxie: Very frightened.
Reporters: Are ya sorry?
Roxie: Are you kiddin'?!
Reporters: What's your statement?
Billy/Roxie: All I'd say is
Though my choo-choo jumped the track
I'd give my life to bring him back.
Reporters: And?
Billy/Roxie: Stay away from
Reporters: What?
Billy/Roxie: Jazz and liquor
Reporters: And?
Billy/Roxie: And the men who
Reporters: What?
Billy/Roxie: Play for fun.
Reporters: And what?
Billy/Roxie: That's the thought that
Reporters: Yeah?
Billy/Roxie: Came upon me
Reporters: When?
Billy/Roxie: When we both reach for the gun! Mary Sunshine: Understandable!
Understandable!
Billy and Mary: Yes, it's perfectly
Understandable
Comprehensible!
Comprehensible!
Not a bit reprehensible
It's so defensible
Reporters: Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both
Oh yes they both, oh yes they both
Reached for the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun
For the gun
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both
Oh yes they both, oh yes they both
Reached for the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun
For the gun
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both
Oh yes they both, oh yes they both
Reached for the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun
For the gun
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both
Oh yes they both, oh yes they both
Reached for the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun
The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun
Billy/Roxie: Both reached for
The gun!
Reporters: The gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun
Both reached for the gun!
Roxie
Performed by Gwen Verdon as Roxie Hart and Her Boys
Music and Lyrics by John Kander and Fred Ebb
Reporter 1: Stop the presses!
Reporter 2: Convent girl held!
Reporter 3: "We both reached for the gun," says Roxie!
Reporter 4: "Dancing feet leads to sorrow," says beautiful jazz slayer!
Reporter 5: Roxie sobs, "I'd give anything to bring him back!"
Reporter 6: Jazz and liquor: Roxie's Downfall.
Roxie: (spoken, laughs) I always wanted my name in the papers! Before Amos, I used to date this well-to-do ugly bootlegger. He used to like to take me out and show me off. Ugly guys like to do that. Once it said in the paper, "Gangland's Al Cappelli seen with cute redheaded chorine." That was me! I clipped it out and saved it. Look, I am gonna tell you the truth. Not that the truth really matters... but I'm gonna tell ya anyway. The thing is, see... I'm older than I ever intended to be. And all my life, I wanted to be a dancer in vaudeveille. Ooh, yeah! Have my own act! But no, no, no. They always turned me down. It was one big world full of "no." Life. Then Amos came along. Sweet, safe... Amos who never says no. You know, some guys are like mirrors, and when I catch myself in Amos' face... I'm always a kid. You could love a guy like that. Look, now I gotta tell ya, and I hope this ain't too crude. In the bed department, Amos was... zero. I mean, when we went to bed, he made love to me like he was... fixin' a carburetor or somethin'. (Imitating Amos:) I love ya honey, I love ya. Anyway, to make a long story short, I started foolin' around. And then I started screwin' around which is... foolin' around without dinner. I gave up the vaudeville idea because, well, after all those years, ya sorta figure opportunity's just passed ya by. (Sung:) Oooh, but it ain't! Oh no, no, no, no... but it ain't! (Spoken:) If this Flynn guy gets me off... and with all this publicity... now I got me a world full of yes.
(Sung:) The name on everybody's lips is gonna be
Roxie!
The lady rakin' in the chips is gonna be
Roxie
I'm gonna be a celebrity
That means somebody everyone knows
They're gonna recognize my eyes
My hair
My teeth
My boobs
My nose
From just some dumb mechanic's wife I'm gonna be
Roxie!
Who says that murder's not an art?
And who, in case she doesn't hang
Can say she started with a bang?
Roxie Hart!
(Spoken:) I gotta get me some boys. I'm gonna get me a whole bunch of boys!
Boys: (Sung) They're gonna wait outside in line to get to see
All: Roxie!
Think of those autographs I'll sign
(Spoken:) "Good luck to ya."
(Sung:) Roxie!
And I'll appear in a lavalier
That goes all the way down to my waist
Here a ring
There a ring
Everywhere a ring-a-ling
But always in the best of taste!
(Spoken:) Mmmmm... I'm a star! And they love me, and I love them! And they love me for lovin' them and I love them for lovin' me. And we love each other. That's because none of us got enough love in our childhood. And that's showbiz, kid!
(Sung) She's giving up her humdrum life
I'm gonna be
Roxie!
She made a scandal and a start
And Sophie Tucker will shit, I know!
Uh-huh!
To see her name get billed below
Foxy Roxie Hart!
Mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uhm... mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Those are my boys!
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Bye.
My Own Best Friend
Performed by Gwen Verdon as Roxie Hart and Chita Rivera as Velma Kelly
Music and Lyrics by John Kander and Fred Ebb
Emcee: And now, Miss Roxie Hart and Miss Velma Kelly sing a song of unrelenting determination and unmitigated ego.
Both: One thing I know
And I've always known
I am my own
Best friend
Baby's alive
But baby's alone
And baby's her own
Best friend
Many's the guy
Who told me he cares
But they were scratchin' my back
'Cause I was scratchin' theirs
And trust in to luck
(laughs)
That's only for fools
I play in a game
Where I make the rules
And rule number one
From here to the end
Is I am my own
Best friend
Three musketeers
Who'll never say, "Die!"
Are standing here this minute
Me!
Myself!
And I!
If life is a school
I'll pass every test
If life is a game
(laughs)
I'll play it the best
'Cause I won't give in
And I'll never bend
And I am my own
Best
Friend
Me And My Baby
Performed by Gwen Verdon as Roxie Hart
Music and Lyrics by John Kander and Fred Ebb
My dear little baby
My sweet little baby
Look at my baby and me!
Me and my baby
My baby and me
We're 'bout as happy as babies can be
What if I find that I'm caught in a storm?
I don't care
My baby's there
And baby's bound to keep me warm
Stickin' together
And ain't we got fun?
So much together
You'd count us as one
Tell Old Man Worry to go climb a tree
'Cause I've got my baby
I'm with my baby
Look at my baby and me
Nowadays
Performed by Gwen Verdon as Roxie Hart and Chita Rivera as Velma Kelly
Music and Lyrics by John Kander and Fred Ebb
It's good
Isn't it grand?
Isn't it great?
Isn't it swell?
Isn't it fun?
Isn't it?
Nowadays
There's men
Everywhere
Jazz
Everywhere
Booze
Everywhere
Life
Everywhere
Joy
Everywhere
Nowadays
You can like the life you're livin'
You can live the life you like
You can even marry Harry
But mess around with Ike
And that's good
Isn't it grand?
Isn't it great?
Isn't it swell?
Isn't it fun?
Emcee: Ladies and gentlemen, the Vickers theatre, Chicago's finest home of family entertainment, is proud to announce a first -- the first time anywhere there has been an act of this nature! Not only one little lady, but two! You've read about them in the papers and now her they are -- a double header! Chicago's killer dillers, those two scintillating sinners... Roxie Hart and Velma Kelly!
You can like the life you're livin'
You can live the life you like
You can even marry Harry
But mess around with Ike
And that's good
Isn't it grand?
Isn't it great?
Isn't it swell?
Isn't it fun?
Isn't it?
But nothin' stays
In fifty years or so
It's gonna change, ya know
(laughs)
But oh, it's heaven
Nowadays!
