Dearest Sharonita,
How are You today? I wonder if You
still remember me. Doesn't matter. Why my sudden turn up? I do not
intend to trouble You. This is merely a long belated letter that I
should have mail You a very long time ago. You'd be doing me a favour,
by just reading this. You may hate me afterwards, but I won't mind.
This is My story. There may occur some inaccuracies in it, I'm writing
this down from what I can remember. The many things that I wanted to
tell You, but I kept to myself. Knowing that You know how I felt will
release me of this burden in my heart. You can say, this is some form of
Psychotherapy for me. :) . No, I'm Not crazy, just need to release
myself, that's all.
I hope You will read this with an open heart and mind.
Love at First
Sight
I met You when we were in SAL college. The first time I lay
eyes on You, I know that I have to know You. At that time, I was
regaining myself from a fallen state. I never told You about this, or
maybe I did, but I was a dropout. I suffered tremendous inferior
conflict. SAL college was the starting point of a new life for
me. New friends. New faces. I can start over again. It was like a 2nd
chance for me. When I saw You, I thought I saw an Angel. Believe me, I
see something beautiful in You.
|
First Meeting
Did You remember Our first meeting? It was at the library. I did not
really expect to find You there. But there You were. You were with
Nani looking for some books. It was BJ who
approached You two. This some how made me jealous. BJ was
the sweet talking genius. And I just stood there watching. I was angry
with myself at that time. I should have say something, but I didn't. At
that time, BJ and the others knew about my interest in
You. So it was a shock to them to see me smoking in front of You two.
Not quite a good impression, eh? I have so much anger in me. I hate
myself. Instead of helping myself, I was punishing myself. |
First
Conversation
Remember the time at the stairway? You were standing there all alone. I
felt I wanted to comfort You somehow. I felt You were so alone. That was
when I decided to approach You. I went against all my personality, and
start the conversation with You. And what a corny conversation that was.
All I can stammer was,"Kamu Orang Sabah?". You must have been
surprise. I think You might have thought I was some kind of psycho. You
look at me with surprise, and just wave Your head left and right. "Sarawak?",
I asked. And You nod. And that was it. Suddenly I realized how stupid
my question was, and slowly move away from You.
I was always eyeing on You. Always trying to find a reason to talk to
You. But whenever I remember our first conversation, I just roll back to
my old personality. I don't know how much You know about me. But I
wasn't much of a talker. I don't like attention. It's just something
that I gotten to hate. In my school years, the attention seekers were
always the teacher's pet. I went to prove that I could be better than
them. And I prove myself that I don't have to be an attention seeker to
be good at something. |
First Move
It was during lab time. I don't know how You felt about me that time.
Maybe, You just didn't care. I always try to get a seat at the back of
You. That time, I was at the center of my friends. I was quite good with
programming that they always rely on me for answers. Lab time was over.
Everyone was going out. I was still teaching a friend of mine on
something. That was when one of my friends found Your wallet. I looked
into it and saw Your picture. So I volunteer to give it back to You. I
told BJ and the rest about it. I never got around to
give it to You. It was BJ who told You about it. I wanted to meet You
personally. After the class was over, I went downstairs to wait for You.
And You did come after me. Again, I gave you a corny look. It was the
first time I look at You in the eye, and You smile. |
Move 2
At the time, me and a bunch of fellows went to the library to discuss
school works. I thought I saw You at the library, but You were wearing
reading glass. I didn't approach you fearing it was someone else. It was
then, my fellow friend told me that it was You. So, I braze myself and
talk to You. I asked You to join the others. That was how You became one
with the rest. After the discussion, we went for our meal. We got
separated there. Ahsan got mad at me for leaving You alone. I did
not do that intentionally. I thought the rest just wanted to eat inside
the Cafe. As I was eating at another spot, one friend asked me during
mealtime if You were my girlfriend. I got confused. So, I told them
truth. You were just a friend.
|
The Rainy Date
Rain has tremendous influence in Our meeting. I don't know how, ever
since then You were always together with me and my friends. I think it
was mostly because of BJ. I was always envious of BJ
that time. He was always brotherly. And I was just No One. Much of the
time, You were always with BJ. We were at the library that time. Talking
about school works. BJ was the central figure. Everyone came for him
for answers. I don't care less. It was You that matter. Every time I see
You went to him, I was always envious.
I went to the library one time, and I saw You alone. You were reading
some poetry book, and I went to sit with You. We talked, and chat
awhile. Then, I went to the restroom, and when I came back You were
looking through my notebook. There were stuffs I wrote and drew about
You in there. I wasn't ready to let You see it. I try to grab it back,
but You play around with me. Then the warden came around, and we had to
sit quietly. That was the one time that I felt really happy.
It was raining when we got back to KL. We were going around
looking for shelter. You don't seemed to know that much around KL.So
I had to lead the way. I wanted to take You for a drink at a
chinese restaurant. But You hesitated then. I wondererd if You were
Muslim then. So I took You instead, to Kota Raya's medan
selera. You were always lagging behind me then. I don't know why..
maybe You just didn't like me much. You were wet. The way Your wet hair
cling to Your face, You were beautiful. I have conversation with You.
It was kinda wacky. We talk about stupid stuff and all. I was just
happy to talk to You. |
Rainy Date 2
It was during the library meeting again. I was alone with You at the
time. We met up with some fellow classmate. Here's the part I really
don't understand. Why is it that You always try to pair me up with
someone else? It had started to rain that day. I thought we wait for the
rain to stop while in the library cafe. It was getting late, so I figure
that we should get going. As we went outside, we found that the library
was already flooded. That was the first time I saw real distress in Your
face. You were very worry. Then You told me about Your personal
experience with water. I really don't know what to do that time. I
considered picking You up as we cross the flood, but You just winced at
me. So we walk around the library awhile. You wouldn't talk to me. I
think You were just worried. I asked around and a guard finally told us
about another way around the flood. So I accompany you to the bus stop.
Here, again You asked me to go my way. I wonder if You were just
avoiding me, or that You thought I have done enough damage. But I ride
with You all the way. |
First Fight
You asked me for help with a math question. I went to the library few
minutes early. You weren't there yet. So I look for something read while
waiting. Some fellow student showed up, and asked me for some help.
After nearly an hour, You showed up. Then You proceed to another fellow
student. It seemed You had other stuff to do that day. I was getting
irritated. After some time has passed, You finally went to me. I asked
about the math question You wanted me to help. You said that You haven't
done Sigh. I then asked You which part was Your problem and proceed to
show You the steps. You don't seem to be listening to me. And I just
explode.
That was the first time I saw Your silent stare at me. You just went
silent. I proceed to address Your math problem. Suddenly You just took
off. I was baffled and again confused with the situation. I then took
off after You. I caught up with You, and try to apologize. Again, I came
out with corny words. "Sorri la." is all I could mutter. It took
awhile to get You to come with me. Even then, You did not look at me. I
was really frustrated with myself. I did not intend to hurt You in any
way.
You took off after that. You didn't even wait for the rest of the
fellow. People kept asking me about it and I just didn't know what to
say. When I see You getting ahead in front. I went after You, hoping to
reason with You. I caught the bus You were on. It was raining when we
arrived KL. I got off but didn't see You. There You were,
waiting for me (I think). You're still not speaking. So I took hold of
Your books. Now You have to follow me. I took You to the drinks outlet.
Try as I might to apologize, You're still not speaking. I was really sad
at the time. I was crying for Your forgiveness. I ordered You Your
favourite drink (Melon juice). And since You weren't talking to me, I
decided to do Your homework.
It was still raining then. I escorted You to the side entrance, and we
wait for the rain to stop. That was the time I contemplated if I should
make a move on You. But I didn't. You don't seem to care for my
presence, so I went strolling. When I got back, You were looking for me.
But You immediately turn Your attention on something else when You saw
me.
It was then that I decided to do something about it. I asked You to
follow me. When You ignored me, I took hold of Your books again. So You
followed me. When You realised I was leading You to the ATM machine on
the Queue line, You just smiled. I was happy I cheered You up. You
waited me to take out my cash. Then I took You to a Cyber café. I taught
You about IRC, and Email. Even registered an account for You. But You
never use that account. It was already late when I sent you to the bus
stops. You were still giving me the silent treatment. So we just stood
there waiting for your bus.
|
The Church date
For some time I wonder if You were Muslim. You always wore kebaya
during Friday. One time, You went to sit near me and ask about my
religion. It turn out we were both Christian.
One day You asked me to join You to Church. I wasn't really a
Churchgoer. But I really wanted to be with You, so I went. We met up at
a spot. And we walk to the Church. First time I see You kneeling at the
aisle. It was a sight to remember. I watched You all the way during the
communion. It really felt different when you're in Church with someone
you are fond of. |
The Third Person
One day, You introduced me and the fellows to a guy, Arthur.
He was this chinese-looking, slim fellow. At the time, I see red light.
Who is this guy? Is he Your Boyfriend? I was depressed. I thought of
leaving You alone. Then You called to me for help. You asked me to rid
him off You. This dude was harassing You. I was confused. He didn't
seemed that way. But then again, who am I to judge from appearance? You
asked me to hand him his stuffs. We discussed, with BJ,
about it. And that's when he suggested You to pretend to be My
girlfriend. I wanted to say yes. But couldn't. I looked at You for an
answer, but couldn't even look You in the eye. I don't remember what
happened next. Too much excitement in my part.
The meeting was set up. I was to confront this guy to give him his
stuffs. I was thinking how I should react to this guy. Should I use
gangsterism? When he did arrived, he wasn't that kind-looking at me.
This was awkward for me. He asked about You, but I told him You have
business on Your own. Then I changed the topic. I was actually being
friendly with this dude. He actually left without much fight. I wonder
if I should have at least given him a good beating. But then, He's just
a kid.
|
DAY
My memorable moment with You was trying to find a way around KL.
One time, You decided to bring me along to an SIB meeting. You
always took the taxi to go there. And I asked you to go on the bus. It
was at Chow Kit area. I know Chow Kit, but never been to the
SIB chapel. When we got off at Chow Kit, You realised it was
some place else. We had to walk some distance to get there. Even then,
You were mad at me for taking things into my own hand, when I don't even
know the place. We found the place nevertheless. It was my first time
in an SIB meeting, so it was all new to me. You taught me how
things work around there. I was just happy to do things with You.
There was one other incident we got lost. We were looking for a church
that Your friend was talking about. I don't know the church, but I know
the place You mentioned. Again, we went round and round. I think we
travel a quarter of town central, before we came across a couple of
Churches. None of which is the one Your friend told You about. In the
end, we came upon a building that looked like a Church but was really
some kind of school. We ended up going to Your place for lunch.
You were a wacky person, I remember. Sometimes I question Your sense in
fashion. You like to outdo Yourself once in awhile. I remember a time,
You came to class wearing jeans-jacket, and jeans pants. Your hair was
tied-up to the back while wearing cap. Cladding spectacles. With
powdered face, full of make-ups and lipstick. I prefer Your natural
look, but this is.. err. umm... very appealing.
There was another time, that You manifest Yourself in Your dressing. It
was the time we were hanging around the carpark, with BJ
and others. You were wearing a pink blouse, and a long skirt. Your long
hair was combed in its natural state. You looked very beautiful that
day. You could have been mistaken for an Angel. Ok, that was going too
far... but You did look attractive to me.
I cherish every moment we spent together. Your smile, Your sweet
gesture, Your arragontness, Your voice, the way You glance, the child in
You, the woman in You, Your warmth, Your calmness, Your fear, Your
Weariness, Your blushes. I cherish every bits of Your presense. I
guessed, I missed our time together. |
NIGHT
My time in
college, I always try to find reason to be with You. I like doing
things with You. Then You decided You want me to do things Your way.
And so begin the frequent visit to SIB chapel. I will tell You
personally here. I find the gathering interesting, cheerful, and
welcoming. But You know How I am with crowds. I cannot handle crowd very
well. I do find these people friendly. But one thing that I find
annoying, is they try to coax me to change my religion. Don't get me
wrong here. I have nothing against SIB. It's just that, it does not
agree with me. I do not like attention. It makes me feel uncomfortable
being too friendly with other people. The only reason for me to be there
was because of You. When I see this, I know that this is going to be
tough. You became very involve with this group. So much so that You let
it disrupt Your college education. We were growing apart, further and
further. Am I blaming this group for my failure? I don't know what I
should have done. But I know that I shouldn't interrupt Your activities
so long as You are happy with what You're doing.
There was a time
that I was really disappointed in You. I don't really think You're at
fault. Maybe I was too stressed out, I don't know. It was during our
Programming Project. I really wanted You to be with me all the way on
that one. But I was kidding myself. I know You don't like Programming.
I just wanted to be with You, that's all. Suddenly, I become the
attention of many fellow students. I couldn't be with You more often. I
was depressed all over again. Why was it Not You who comes to me?
Simple reason, You couldn't care less about Programming. There are only
few things that I could be good at, and Programming is one of them. To
know that I couldn't make You part of it depressed me.
The project was
supposed to be a team thing, but I felt I did most of it. There comes a
time to send in the Project, and some of the documentation was not
ready. There was a one-week break. Everyone was going back to their
hometown. You were on tour to Pangkor. Ahsan came along, mainly coz of one girl.
I didn't know about it till the last moment. I was stuck to finish off
the documentation. I was really angry at the time. I was angry that You
did not tell me about it. I was angry, my friends didn't tell me about
it. I was angry I got stuck finishing the Project on My own. Then You
guys came back and got busy looking through the pictures and stuffs. I
don't know, that time I only want to be away from You and the others. I
didn't speak to anyone that day.
Maybe I'm just
kidding myself every time I want to be with You. I wanted to be the
person You can turn to. I guessed I was never that to You. Sometimes I
believe You have a feeling for me. Sometimes, You're just so far away
from me. |
The Email
Correspondence
I don't really have any reliable way to contact You except through
email. It is through emailing that I try to speak my heart out to You. I
have difficult time speaking something out front. But with email, I am
free to express myself. I lost email contact with You at a point. And I
started to wonder if You have chosen to be away from me. You have a
phone at Your place. I tried calling for some time, but I always answer
to someone else. And You were always out when I called. Some time later,
I lost Your number when I lost My handset.
How did it all ended? Maybe I was hoping for Your response, and got
tired waiting. Maybe, I rely too much on Fate.that I lost all will to
do anything. That was stupid, now that I think about it. I remember a
line by Confucius that goes something like this, "Knowing something is
right and Not to do it, is Cowardice". Defines me real nice, doesn't
it?
|
The Last Contact
Our last contact was few months after I lost contact with You. We met
up by chance. I was going for an interview, and didn't make it coz I was
late. BJ was incidentally in KL. We met up while
You were on Your way to Church. We chatted. And when it was time to send
You to Church, we lost our way and had to take a few spin to get there.
But we got there. I wonder if fate would take a different spin if I had
done something that day. I'll never know.
I don't know what got into me. Why did I let You off so easily? I
guessed, I was hoping for something to happen. I guessed, I haven't the
guts to go through with it. It was only after missing You alot, that I
realised what I was missing. Maybe I was too proud to admit my feelings
for You. Maybe I fear the consequences of doing so. Maybe I fear what
Your respond would be. Better to retreat than admit defeat. And so
began the downfall of my personality. I was not strong after all.
|
My World
I have so many things that I would like to say to You. So many times I
regretted some of my decisions. I want to tell You what You meant to me.
How much You changed me.
I have taught myself to be immune to emotional pain. But You taught me
how to feel again. You free me of my closure in life. You taught me to
confront my wall of coldness. You gave me the reason to live my life.
You make me feel alive. You gave me something to Hope for. You make me
see the world in a new light. You are indeed a special person to me.
Many
times I wonder if things would turn out differently, if I have acted
differently. I hate myself for being too tolerance. Why should I care
about what others felt? I wanted to have things for myself. But when I
get to the crossroad between my interest, and other people's interest. I
always seldom choose myself. It was unfortunate that You see me as
Selfish at some point. Where was I selfish? Should I give in to other
people, everytime? I don't have any problem with that, but when I see
myself letting You go off. I wonder if I went too far. One thing I know
I am being selfish of, is wanting You. I guessed, I am selfish.
Sometimes
I struggle with certain morality issue. I don't want You to think that
I was taking advantage of Your friendship. I really hate it when
emotion gets in the way. It was a decision between continuing my
friendship with You, or risk losing You. To me, You were more than just
a friend. But will You still hang around with me, if You knew that? I
didn't want to lose You. But I would rather let You go than suffer
inside while being with You.
And there were times I wanted to Hate You. Maybe You are just a person
who was there at the right moment. Maybe my judgments towards You are
clouded by my emotional state. Maybe I am just someone You look up
upon. You are just someone to take away my loneliness. You were just an
irritating and arrogant child. Even as I say this, I do not believe it
as so. The more I try to hate You, the more think of You. It pains me
to just think about You.
After
all this time, I am still missing You. No one can be compare to how I
felt about You. I guess You can say, You were the one person I ever
really fallen in Love. It was a wonderful thing being with You. I have
learn to live my life differently now. I think much of it was to due to
You. Thank You for Your time with me.
|
Wake Up
These are my memories of You. You have been one of the greatest thing
ever happened in my life. I want You to know the things that You have
brought upon me. Thank You for all these. I hope this letter will serve
as a memory lane to You.
What do I expect from this? I wanted to say that things would be
different, if I get another chance. I wanted to say that I wanted You to
be with me. I wanted to say that I want to be there for You. But
expectations are merely pipedream. No, I do not expect anything.
The point of the letter is to express my feeling for You. I still feels
that way about You, but I do not expect You to feel the same about me.
Maybe You're thinking that I'm just getting back at You. Think what You
like, You are entitled to Your opinion. I do however anticipate Your
responds on this.
My only wish is that You are happy with what You have now.
In any case, Thank you for listening.
Yours,
Abe
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