Egyptian Neighborhood

Slapstick comedy

This white guy walks into a bar and he starts talking with a black guy who is sitting next to him. After a couple of beers they decide to go take a pee together. As they are in the men's room, the white guy glances at the black's dick.

"Gee, I really wish I had a dick like that," says the white guy.

"Well", says the black, "all you have to do is hit your penis on the bath tab for ten minutes every morning, and you'll get it."

The other guy thanks him for his advice and walks out of the bar.

Some months later they meet again in the same bar, and they start talking.

"Well", says the black man, "did you take the advice?"

"I did," says the other guy.

"So, let me see."

The white guy lowers his pants and shows him his penis.

"Ha!" says the black guy, "at least you made the color like mine!!" (nikos GR)

The parrot retires in Tahiti

A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says, "Hey buddy? What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"

The guy says, "No, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

I know just how that dog feels

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

Variety act

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch--a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."

Frankly, I don't know anyone who wishes they were white

An Indian walks into a bar with a bag in one hand and a cat in the other. He sits down at the bar and orders a whiskey, throws the bag in the corner, pulls out his gun and shoots the bag, causing shit to fly out of the bag. He then starts to eat the cat, slamming the whiskey afterwards.

The dumbfounded bartender asks "What the hell are you doing?!"

The Indian replies "Me want to be like white man--drink whiskey eat pussy and shoot the shit."

Why didn't he just turn on the light?

This drunk staggers into a bar, bumping into customers and spilling drinks as he makes his way to the bar. The bartender sees what is going on and is pissed at the drunk when he finally makes it to the bar. "Get out of here!" says the bartender.

"I gotta go to the baffroom," slurs the drunk.

"I said get the hell outta here or I'll throw you out!!" yells the bartender.

"I gotta go baffroom," says the drunk and starts to drop his drawers.

"Hold on, hold on" says the bartender "alright, you can go to the bathroom, but afterwards you get the hell out of my bar!"

The drunk agrees and stumbles off to the bathroom. After about 5 minutes, everyone hears this loud scream. Dead silence in the bar. Another loud scream-from the bathroom. The bartender and a few customers run to the bathroom. There's the drunk sitting down.

"What the hell is going on?" asks the bartender.

"I went, and every time I try to flush the toilet, it crushes my nuts!" says the drunk.

"Why, you stupid shit!" said the bartender. "You're sitting on my mop bucket!!"

Nuts

A guy goes into the bar and sits down and orders a drink. Other than the bartender, there's no one else in the place. All of a sudden he hears a voice that says, "Nice suit." He looks around and doesn't see anyone and the bartender looks busy washing some glasses. A little while later the same voice says, "Nice Tie." The guy looks around again and doesn't see anyone. He finally asks the bartender if he just said something.

"No," replied the bartender, "it wasn't me. It was probably the peanuts though. They're complimentary."
 

We're colonized by wankers

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "AH built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

"But ye fuck ONE sheep...."

Ribbed or lubricated?

A guy walks into a bar and tells everyone there "Give me all your money, watches, jewelry and anything else of value or I will inject you with the AIDS virus." Then he produces a syringe. One by one everyone hands over all their stuff except one man at the end of the bar.

"I told you to hand over all your stuff or I'll inject you with the AIDS virus."

The man at the bar said "Go ahead, I'm wearing a condom."

Mind over what matters

Greg lives above a bar, and one day he was walking up the stairs after losing his job. A man comes up to him and says, "You are looking really down. I know how to make you feel better. Watch this. I'll jump off the 4th story and be sucked in the 2nd."

He jumps off and was sucked in through the 2nd story window.

"Wow, that was cool, I'm gonna do it!" says Greg.

Greg jumps off the roof and landed hard on the ground, dead. The man who was safe in the 2nd story walked down to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says to him, "Superman, you shouldn't mess with people's minds like that."

Now why wouldn't a woman do the same?

4 gay guys walk into a bar there is only one stool. What do they do?

They turn it over.

This is by no means an endorsement on the term 'fag'

This fag walks into a bar and sits down at the counter and orders a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says "We don't serve your kind in here. Get the hell out."

The fag says "It's hotter than hell outside and I could really use a cold beer. I'll just sit over in the corner and not bother anyone if you'll just get me one beer."

The bartender says "No, I told you we don't serve your kind in here so get the hell out now."

The fag says "How bout if I take a drink out of this spitoon will you give me a drink?"

"NO, get out before I call the cops." says the bartender.

The fag picks up the spitoon and starts drinking out of it. "That's disgusting put that shit down and get the hell out of here!" the bartender says.

The fag keeps on drinking.

"STOP!!" yells the bartender. "You're grossing out my customers!"

The fag still keeps on drinking.

"FINE, FINE!! Here's your fucking beer, just put that shit down!"

The fag is still drinking.

Finally the fag puts the spitoon down. The bartender says "Why in the hell did you keep drinking out of that spitoon? I gave you you're damn beer."

The fag replies "I couldn't stop, it was all one wad!"

I thought the whiskey would help too

This cowboy walks into the saloon and orders a whiskey. The bartender slides it along the bar and the cowboy downs it in one gulp. Immediately he rushes back out the bar, goes to his horse, lifts its tail, and gives it a huge smacking kiss there.

He then goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. The bartender slides it along the bar and once again the cowboy downs it in one gulp then rushes out the bar, goes to his horse, lifts its tail, and gives it a huge smacking kiss there.

He goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. By this time there are a number of other patrons looking at him with a fair bit of interest. The bartender decides he'd better ask what's going on before the cowboy gets too drunk to answer.

"So, Cowboy, why is it that every time you order a whiskey you go out and kiss your horse on the bum?"

The Cowboy (in his best drawl) replies "Chapped lips."

The bartender says with some surprise "Oh, does that cure them?"

The cowboy says "Nope, but it sure stops me lickin' 'em".

Animal Quackers

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"

The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, said no.

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"

Is it just me, or should they put a sign up telling patrons to watch out for these things?

A guy walks into a bar. His buddy laughs and says, "Don't worry, I didn't see it either."

Twah?

So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .

Maybe he was blind, but then that's not very funny is it?

A guy walks into a bar, right? Which is really kind of stupid, cause you'd think that he would have seen it first.

I'd just like to say: I really hate that Lord of the Dance guy

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's that little green thing down there?"

The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, SPLBLBLBLT!, right in the face and runs back to the Irishman. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"

The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."

"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun is ugly!" he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT! This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his pecker off!" he shouts.

"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have peckers."

"How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.

"They don't." says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBLT."

Bathrooms: Society needs them

A guy has to take a crap really bad so he goes into a bar he thinks the bathroom is upstairs so he goes upstairs he can't find the bathroom anywhere but he finds a hole in the floor so he takes a crap in it. After that he goes downstairs and theirs no one down there so he asks the bartender were everyone is and he says "Where the hell were you when shit hit the fan?"

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