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I'll never know how she really feels
Saturday, 4 December 2004
Just for those who dont really get it
i dont hate michelle, the only reason i wrote the last entry is cuz she breaks up with me for reasons she doesnt even know. it hurts more and more every time she does it and i dont what to do. i love her and im never leavin her. EVER! i know i make it seem like she is a bitch and all but she isnt. she just says things that are messed up and acts dumb once in a while but everyone does and i dont hold that against anyone. but i hold the nick thing against her cuz i really dont know how i can trust her if she said she wouldnt do it again and then she did. it pisses me off but i forgave her. i bring it up cuz if i do then it makes it easier for me to figure out why she kissed him back and i know why. it was obviously my fault. i must have done something to get her to do that. i guess i just wasnt doin my job as a bf and im trying to change that. michelle is the best thing that has ever happened to me and im glad i have her but i just take that for granted sometimes when i know im lucky just to have her. so if youre reading this michelle im sorry and i love you baby!

Posted by music6/never_good_en at 9:07 PM CST
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Friday, 3 December 2004
looks like someone put a quarter in the merry go round!
today michelle and i got back together, for like the 20 billionth time! its like a continuous cycle, she breaks up with me, i freak out cuz i might lose her, then she acts like she hates me and then i beg for her bakc and she says yes and then the cycle starts over again. its quite annoying sometimes. my patience is getting really freakin thin. just like one of my friends said, the next time she is gone for good!

Posted by music6/never_good_en at 2:40 PM CST
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Sunday, 28 November 2004
missing her
Mood:  sad
god i miss michelle so much right now, i cant ever see her but when i do its great. i just wish i could wake up just one morning and be able to put my arms around her and just hold her and kiss her and be happy. i would do anything for just one night to be with her. not even for the reason ppl would think either. be able to wake up to michelle knowing that i dont have to look at the time and wonder when she will have to leave would be the greatest thing i know. at times i wanna just take her away forever and hold her and kiss away all of our problems like i know she wants to happen.

Posted by music6/never_good_en at 5:17 PM CST
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Wednesday, 24 November 2004
i dont know what to do
Mood:  blue
today i have been thinkin that michelle is right bout us. im thinkin that we cant be together for much longer. but i dont know what to do tho cuz its not what i want at all. everytime i hear the song "my immortal" i get the reminder that jj was her first love and im just one of the next bfs, nothing more. he may have treated her badly but she couldve got out of it if she wanted to and she loved him and i dont expect her to have anymore room in her heart for someone like me when she had her first love that she stayed with no matter what he did to her. it may have been stupid of her but she did it cuz she loved him and i know she loves him and im just here. she wont admit that she misses him but i know she does. i miss my first once in a while cuz i liked knowing that i always had someone there if i needed her. w/ michelle i cant count on her for anything cuz she isnt ever around. but i guess thats not her fault. more of her parents for not lettin her see me. but i still think she would hang out with other ppl more than me if she had the chance to anyway. sometimes i feel like just an appetizer to her kinda. like im just here for her until she finds the next best person. i dont understand why i put up with it but i do. i know i love her but how can i love someone that doesnt feel the same? well she says she doesnt know how she feels but its obvious how she feels. we have been going out for over a year and she doesnt even say she loves me with out me having to say it first and she never says that she misses me and she doesnt act like she misses me. its not like i can read minds. she said im suppose to know that she loves me, but if she loves me sayin it once in a while outta the blue would help me know that. she has said it 2 or 3 times w/o me sayin it first in the whole 14 months we have dated. she keeps sayin she is a bad gf but she does nothing to change it but whenever we get into stuff like that all i get is a i dont know or nothings wrong. EVERY TIME! i dont understand it tho. she says she loves me but she is so eager to let me go all of the time. one day im just gonna give up and then she will be nowhere. she will have waisted a year of her life on something that is gone at the snap of a finger and then she might realize that being with me prolly wasnt as bad as she put it out to bethats when ill stop lovin youthats when ill stop lovin you

Posted by music6/never_good_en at 2:59 PM CST
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Friday, 19 November 2004
things are getting better..... i think
Mood:  surprised
today was getting a lil bit better. wednesday we were at the movies and she kicked the rule of hers out the door and let me put my arms around her like i know she wanted me to do. i dont know if she knows but im pretty sure when we are alone and i look into her eyes and smile she melts. it seems like everytime i do she starts kissing me. that would explain why she tells me to stop lookin at her and smiling at school, but hey i cant complain. At least i know she is still interested in me. for a while i wasnt so sure on anything. i know she loves me but lately she says that she doesnt know how she feels anymore and i know its my fault. there would be no doubt in her mind that she loves me if i wouldve treated her the way i should have. you keep hearin all the stuff she has done but ive done bad stuff too. i cheated on her once. one of my friends breanna kissed me and i pushed her off but supposedly that still me cheating on her. then this girl named madison that i said that i kissed and went out with and i didnt. i just did it to get michelle to realize that she could lose me if she didnt quit her shit. and it backfired cuz michelle believes that i actually kissed her. also i dont ever listen to michelle i guess. she says i dont anyway. i do though but its hard to listen to her when she doesnt tell me much. oh well ill get over it. im just happy she is still with me. i dont know what i would do if i didnt have her in my life. well id prolly end up becoming a hermit or something..lol but ya know i dont wanna have to think bout life without my baby!

Posted by music6/never_good_en at 4:59 PM CST
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Wednesday, 17 November 2004
i dont know why i try when no one cares
Mood:  down
today was even worse. i got to school and i found out why my gf was actin so weird. it turns out that she doesnt wanna be touched or some stupid stuff like that. she says she doesnt like it. i was like " well if you dont like it when ppl touch you then why do you touch other ppl and she just walked away. i swear she wants to be with someone else cuz never wants me to touch her at all, i cant hug her i cant hold her hand nothing! its really bothering me cuz i dont know if i should break up with her cuz i know she always tries to get me to break up with her and this might be one of those times. but i would never know cuz she never tells me anything, its always i dont know or nothings wrong. it pisses me off so bad cuz she complains that im never there for her and then why i try to be she dont talk to me. then everything has to go her way or she leaves me. if i want something done my way she just blows it off. she acts like she dont even care. its really getting annoying how i have to be her pet or else i cant see her or be with her. she never did this with any of her other bf's so why do it to me. she knows that i treat her better than all of her bf's put together cuz they all dropped her like a bad habit and im the only one that forgives her for her every mistake and tells her its ok and that i love her always and that it was my fault anyway for anything that went wrong between us. im just trying to keep some peace and sanity in our relationship but it seems like she just wants to dig herself a hole with me so ill break up with her and go out with someone else. she says she only wants to be with me but how can that be true if she keeps doing all this stuff and i cant do anything but take responsibility for things i dont even do just so she doesnt think she is worthless and all. i love her to death and all and i dont wanna leave her but she is leavin me no choice lately. i wish i had some good advice right now but i cant cuz michelle made it so i have no friends anymore cuz i had to abandon them to keep her happy. and that was the only thing that was on my mind all the time. every night i stay awake wishin i was there right beside michelle but now i know that will never happen

Posted by music6/never_good_en at 4:01 PM CST
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Tuesday, 16 November 2004
Everyday is the same way with her
Mood:  irritated
So my girlfriends name is michelle. She is the only girl ive dated that i can actually say i love w/o feeling uneasy bout it. i love her so much and she doesnt see it. i wish she knew but she acts like we arent going out. i write her poems buy her things and make sure that when im with her i have my arms around her. i dont know wut it is about her that makes me willing to do everything and anything for but i do. I dont understand her at times. she says she loves me and everything and we do things as if we were in love for the longest time.

Posted by music6/never_good_en at 5:13 PM CST
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