Ch. 9 Old Habits
“The little ways you looked at him……”
“The things you did for him…….”
“I always knew you liked Joel.”
It had been a week since that morning. If it was a week why were all the things Benji said running through his mind?
Joel took a breath and let it out slowly. He couldn’t break down in tears in the middle of the mall. This was only the second time he had left Billy’s apartment and the guest room Billy let him stay in.
That morning. Hell- the only way to describe it. “I can’t be with someone who’s in love with my twin.” He remembered Benji’s voice so vividly. He stopped walking and shook his head. He must have been a sight to anyone that passed him that day. He knew his hair was dirty hidden under a beanie, his clothes were wrinkled from being in a duffel bag, and his eyes were most likely puffy and bloodshot from crying. He didn’t even know why he was in the mall. Because Benji would never be there. Benji hated malls. “Too many preps” Benji would always say.
Benji- damn. How could his twin bring him so much pain? Joel shook his head again and found the nearest exit. He needed a cigarette.
He pulled the half empty pack out of his pocket searching for his lighter. He flicked it but nothing happened. After half a dozen tries he groaned and slammed the lighter into the trashcan. It made a loud bang on the metal surface and attracted a few stares.
He pulled the beanie farther down over his eyes and walked over to a girl on the other side of the courtyard. He cleared his throat and shyly asked her for a light. She handed him her lighter and he nodded to her giving it back. She nodded back and looked at him with a slightly questioning look. Shit- just what he needed, someone to recognize him. He turned away quickly and walked back to the other side of the courtyard.
He sat on the concrete bench and took a drag of the cigarette. What was he up to now? Two and a half packs a day. He pulled it from his mouth and tapped the ashes on the bench. He held it up in front of him.
“Smoking will mess up your voice. Joel you need to be the lead singer,” Benji’s voice echoed in his head.
A devious smile crept across his face. He had quit four years ago when they first got signed (A/n: I dunno when they got signed so deal) now he was back to it. “If Benj could see me now.” He snickered before taking another drag.
His smile faded, “I’ve already hurt him enough. I broke up him and Tony.” He thought rubbing his eye with the palm of his hand. “But he…….he touched me.” Joel hadn’t been able to eat much because every time he thought of what happened he would get disgusted and throw up. That’s why he smoked, so he didn’t have to eat.
He looked down and had smoked the whole cigarette unconsciously. He stamped it out and sighed picking himself up from the bench. He walked back inside and a directory was right in front of him. Hot Topic- sure why not. Didn’t have anything better to do.
He walked a little and inside the store. He looked around to see a girl stocking some shelves, a guy behind the register, and two girls in the back looking at the accessories. Good not too many people.
He walked aimlessly back to the music section. But before he got there a poster caught his eye. Not just any poster. GC’s poster. The latest one. And Benji was staring right at him. He lost himself looking at the poster and didn’t see the clerk girl until she spoke.
“How are you doing today?” the girl smiled at Joel.
Joel jumped a little and looked at the girl, “Oh uh…..fine.”
The girl smiled back and then looked at the open poster. She looked back at Joel and cocked an eyebrow, “Hey you’re…..”
Joel held up his hand. “Umm. Don’t sat anything, please?” The girl shrugged and nodded then went back to the other customers.
Joel looked again at the poster and shook his head going back to the music section. He found the Hot Rod Circuit Cd he wanted then thumbed through the CDs not really paying attention. His hands stopped on their first cd. He smiled for once. They all looked so young. Benji looked young. He had changed so much, not just with the piercings, haircolors, or tattoos.
Joel remembered how that night after the photo shoot Benji came out to the rest of the band. He had told Joel first but it had taken so much courage for Benji to tell everyone. This tough acting punker was gay. Joel always admired Benji for his courage.
Joel was snapped out of his thinking by a familiar song. “Spend your lazy, endless crazy…..” Joel started trembling hearing his brother’s voice. “Benji.” Joel mumbled as he closed his eyes. He opened them again and looked back down at the cd. He remembered Benji’s thank you’s.
Joel had them memorized, “ Joel I don't tell you this enough but I love you, you've always been my best friend, and you always will be, you're the most talented, caring person I have ever met, I think you got the better half of the egg.”
He shook his head, “No, he got the better half. God I miss him. Why did we have to fuck up like this?” he thought.
Joel put their cd down and pulled the sleeves of his hoodie down to cover the stars on his wrists. He pulled the beanie down once again and went to the register to buy the cd. He stood behind the two girls in front of him. He looked and tried to see what the one was holding and it was a GC cd.
He hung his head lower and waited for them to finish before he looked up at the clerk guy. The guy looked at him then at the girls who were leaving the store. He looked at Joel again.
Joel cast a half smile at the confused guy and nodded, “Yeah, that’s me.”
Joel stepped out of the store after he paid and began walking towards his car. He couldn’t begin to figure out his feelings towards Benji. He was guilty, hurt and tarnished all at the same time. But he did miss his brother, his best friend, and his twin.
He was deep in thought and barely heard his cell ringing. He reached in his pocket and looked at the screen. “Benji?” he mumbled and began trembling again.