Ch. 8 Didn’t Happen
Sun shined over the three naked bodies on the floor of Joel’s room. Joel opened his eyes and he immediately regretted it. He closed his eyes and regretted that, “Fucking A! Why do I drink?” He felt Tony turn next to him but didn’t move. Why am I on the floor? He opened his eyes and smiled as he saw Tony curled up beside him. All of a sudden Benji sat up rubbing his eyes and yawning.
Joel sat up quickly and his mouth dropped open as everything blurry in his mind came clear. He kissed Benji and Benji…….. ”Oh God!” He said as he pulled his sheet off his bed to cover himself before standing.
“Morning Joel,” Benji mumbled as he blinked at the light.
“Oh My God.” Joel said as he shakily stood. Tony had woken up and was watching Joel as he stepped back away from Benji. “No, Oh My God! How? What?” he said before his back struck the doorframe.
“Joel-“ Tony said calmly. Standing up he reached out his hand to Joel.
“No, Oh no. Oh God!” Joel said as his head swirled. He ran across the hall to the bathroom. He heaved up everything and not only because of the alcohol. He had kissed Benji and Benji had……… His own brother. His twin brother.
He gripped the side of the porcelain. He felt so unclean and he wretched again. He hung his head on his bicep and was startled as he felt a hand on his bare shoulder. Jerking his head up he looked into Benji’s concerned eyes and stood up.
“Don’t touch me!” Joel narrowed his eyes at his twin clutching the sheet ever closer to his body and shaking Benji’s hand off. Benji’s face fell even more and he backed up. He nodded and stepped back out of the bathroom. Joel leaned against the wall. What was he going to do? Why did he let this happen? How could he ever look at Benji again?
Joel stood and went back into his bedroom. He stopped as he saw Tony still sitting there. Joel just stood there and Tony finally looked up. “I……I should go.” Tony stood and searched for all his clothes.
As Tony found his shirt Joel grabbed his arm, “No. We have to talk about this. Give me ten minutes.” Tony nodded not looking in his face and left Joel’s room.
Joel stepped out of the shower clean but nowhere near it. No matter how much he scrubbed he could never wash away the feeling of Benji’s lips. A thought that made his stomach contract but nothing was left to throw up. He dressed and slowly walked out into the living room.
Tony was sitting on the sofa. It appeared that he was trying to disappear down the crack he was squished so far in the corner. Benji was sitting at the kitchen table with his head down, eyes closed and his hands wringing restlessly in his lap.
Joel sat on the opposite side of the couch and cleared his throat, “Benj?”
Benji came in and leaned up against the wall in front of the couch, sliding down to a sitting position. There was silence. But seriously, what could be said?
Joel cleared his throat, “Benj, I don’t……how could you? I’m your brother.”
Benji and Joel didn’t look at each other. “I……I’m sorry. Can we just forget?”
Joel shook his head, “No. I …… I can’t……I feel degraded.”
“But we were drunk. I'm sorry Joel.” Benji said looking at Joel.
Joel glanced up and met Benji’s eyes. He looked away quickly, “I know we were drunk but……… I guess I can’t blame you. Just give me some space.”
After a minute or two of silence Benji spoke, “Can I………can I say something?” Tony’s eyes remained on the coffee table in front of him and Joel sat still with his chin in his palms.
Benji continued, “I……..we’ve……..Tony you and I ……….we’ve never……….we’ve never fucked. Why did…….. was it because you were drunk last night or………was there some other reason you……and Joel?”
Tony’s eyes closed but he didn’t move. Joel finally lifted his eyes to Benji and saw confusion and pain. Now he not only felt dirty but guilty. He felt Tony shift on the couch and looked over.
Tony shifted his gaze everywhere but on Benji or Joel. He ran his hand through his hair and down his neck. He looked at Benji’s feet and spoke softly. “I…….. I think I have feelings………for Joel.”
Joel sat up angrily, “You think?”
Tony closed his eyes again. “I…….I do. I have feelings for Joel.”
Benji nodded, “So you pretty much cheated on me.”
Tony looked up at Benji, “No. I didn’t. I……”
“I kinda figured that out since we never went far.” Benji interrupted. “I always knew you liked Joel.”