Settle Up These Sorrows

(a/n: ok so some of you were asking what happened to paul, its just that this is in billy's POV and its sad for him, so for him to bring it up in his thoughts it would make him sad. so paul died in a car accident, thats all. Any more questions? Oh and the song at the end I found by typing Starting Over in google and it fit so hah! And songs are like poetry so think of it as a poem, la la la! Latas Lonely Stars. Oh and tell me how you like it…)

Part Three

“Hello this is Billy Martin,” I say lazily into the phone as I sit in my office.

“Hey Billy, it’s Benji.”

“Oh, h…hey Benji.” I stutter as I pick myself up from nearly falling out of the chair. “What’s up?”

He laughs, I’m sure it’s at the crack in my voice, “Nothing much. I was just wondering if maybe you were free tonight?”

“Umm, yeah sure I’m free,” I say, sounding a little too free. I laugh and he does too, “What did you want to do?”

“I don’t know I was thinking maybe a bite to eat, a movie or maybe go…I dunno someplace.” He laughs again. I think he’s nervous.

I smile at him, “Ok, sounds good to me.” There’s a moment of silence and my heart beating rapidly is the only sound I can hear.

“So..umm…I’ll pick you up around nine-thirty-ish?”

“Yeah, that sounds like a plan,” I say smiling even though he can’t see me.

“Alright, I’ll let you get back to whatever you were doing and I’ll see ya later, bye.” He says. I say bye and hang up.

The rest of my day is spent with my mood switching between either giddy-excitement or anxiousness.

=-=

“Oh no, I forgot! You don’t live here!” Benji says as we climb the steps to the front door. Climb being the right word. I join him in his string of drunken giggles and cling onto his arm for support as I nearly topple over, funny how alcohol adds pounds so you feel tipsy. Or maybe it’s the alcohol. Why am I thinking? It’s not like I can think straight.

I start giggling again as Benji tries to fit a key into the lock but it doesn’t work. I stand by him as he tries more keys before he knocks on the door and rings the doorbell.

He knocks and wails, “Joel….Joel!”

We press our ears against the door and listen. The light turns on and I become mesmerized by the yellow orb above us. The next thing I know is I’m standing in the foyer in front of a pissed-off sleepwear clad Joel.

“Benji, show him where the guestroom is…oh screw it- I’m not gonna watch after you two.” He says and throws his hands up, “Just be quiet. Okay.” I watch as he walks back up the stairs disappearing at the top. I stare at the spot where he just was when I feel a hand on the side of my face.

I turn to look at Benji and he smiles, “Billy? You’re still pretty.” He stares at me for a few minutes before taking my elbow and pulling me up the stairs. “You can sleep in here,” he says pointing to a room. I start to step forward but he’s still holding onto my elbow.

He’s looking down at the skin on my arm. He raises his other hand and traces over the inked figures, his eyes focusing intently, or trying to. “I remember these,” he says as his fingers trace higher and pull up the sleeve on my shirt. His touch sends a shiver down my body and I can’t tear my eyes away from him. But the alcohol is making my body feel on fire and my mind hazy.

His eyes are now at my shoulders, tracing over the tattooed sparrows. His eyes snap to my eyebrow and he pokes at the scar of my piercing, long since been removed.

His thumb traces over the stud I have in the right side of my nose.

His fingers fall to my bottom lip and he thumbs over the stud I have there, no ornate ring.

It’s like he’s remembering all the things that were there before.

His eyes snap to mine now and everything stops.

Those brown eyes that I know so well are staring into mine and I can feel his breath on my chin- he’s so close.

“It’s been so long,” he whispers and before I know it- his lips are on mine.

And I’m kissing back.

His hand snakes up to behind my head and he runs his tongue over my bottom lip. His other hand still on my elbow begins pulling me towards another room.

And I don’t protest.

From this point on, it’s all remembrance.

Fingers deftly lifting up shirts, unfastening buttons and zippers, sliding over soft warm skin.

Benji kisses my shoulder and places his hands on my back slowly pulling me towards him. He kisses my neck then my lips as we climb onto the bed.

He slowly pulls me down on top of him. Our legs intertwine and I place my lips on his, my tongue grazing over his remaining piercings as we kiss.

I place my hands on his chest, watching the ink between my fingers as I move them lower.

I place a kiss on his sternum as my hands slide lower to his hips. My eyelids fall shut and I trail my lips lower slowly placing kisses on his skin.

My eyes open and I see his ‘PUNX’ tattoo across his stomach. I remember the day he got that and how he had such trouble sitting still the whole time.

But it’s what’s tattooed a little lower it that I don’t remember.

It’s the curvy ‘hopeless’ in thick dark letters that I don’t remember.

I stop and stare at the ink.

This isn’t the Benji that I knew once.

It isn’t the same man I fell in love with all those years ago.

We’ve gone separate ways and grown apart.

I shouldn’t but I look up at him to see him staring at me.

His dark eyes seem so distant now- so different than I remember.

He doesn’t feel for me anymore.

‘It’s been so long’ he said, I’m just filler for his needs.

He doesn’t want me, he wants a body. Anyone would do.

I’ve gotten all too sober in this last minute. And now I’m sitting over this man who I don’t even know anymore- naked and all too aware of everything.

“Billy?” his voice is quiet as I slide back onto the edge of the bed and reach for my clothes pulling them on quickly. “Billy what’s wrong?” he says his voice getting louder, “What is it?”

I shake my head pulling my jeans on. He sits up and reaches out for my arm but I pull free from his grasp.

“What is it?” he asks rather loudly, “What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything, Benji.” I mutter, “Things are too different now, I just can’t…”

He stands up and reaches for me but I move out of his way again, “Come on, Billy.”

The volume of our voices registers as I hear Joel’s door open across the hallway. I reach for the doorknob, my hand fumbling stupidly and loudly smacking against the door. “I have to leave,” I say as I try to open the door but a knock stops me.

“Guys?” Joel says thru the door, “Is everything ok?”

Benji and I answer at the same time with a ‘yes’ and a ‘no’.

Joel opens the door and looks at us. Benji standing with his arms crossed over his chest in nothing but his underwear and me in pants but no shirt.

“It’s not the same, Joel. He’s not the same.” I mutter as I try to push past him but his arm is holding me up and in place. “I have to leave…”

“You’d never make it home,” he says and pulls me upright again, I seem to keep tipping over. “Come on Billy, you can sleep in the guestroom.”

I let him lead me to the other room and Benji’s door shuts with a slam. I turn to Joel as he sits me on the bed, “He’s not the same…” I mumble again.

“Well go to sleep and you can deal with it in the morning,” he says and I’m left alone to sleep away this confusion and sadness and emptiness. I can’t even remember what Benji’s lips felt like on mine- that might have been the last time I ever got to feel them.

All those memories were corrupted in the years passed. Nothing was what it seemed to be.

We are different people now.

=-=

I wake up as I hear a kid screaming and running down the hallway. My eyes open way too fast and it feels like the ceiling fan above me just came crashing down and landed on my forehead bashing it open and ripping out my eyes. Hangover? Ya think?

I close my eyes and rub them with my hand, slowly opening them again. I search around the room for the clock and curse the bright red digits as they come into focus sharply. 8:30.

And then I remember why I'm here. Ahhh FUCK!

I groan and run my fingers thru my hair as I sit up. I pull my shirt straight, messy from sleeping in it and groan again wishing I had never came.

How come whenever something bad happens when you’re drunk you remember it? But when you laugh and have a good time, it only registers slightly in your mind? Fucking alcohol.

I hang my head and hope that no one will remember I'm here and I can rot away in the spare bedroom. And never have to face anyone again. Never have to face Benji again.

Why did I stop him? I could have just fucked him and left in the morning instead of being stuck here. At least I would have the chance to disappear and not have to see him again. But part of me aches at that thought of never seeing him again.

God I’m so fucked up.

I need to ask myself, do I want him or do I not want him.

Why can’t I find an answer?

At least if I hadn’t stopped him we coulda had a farewell fuck. DAMMIT!

Why do I still want him?

After everything? WHY!?

Why why why why why why why?

The sound of myself groaning almost drowns out the knock at the door and I pray to god and every other religion’s deity that it’s not Benji. Cuz that would be just my luck wouldn’t it.

But it’s not Benji, its Joel. And I don’t know whether to be relieved or…or…I don’t know I can’t think thru this headache anymore.

“Hey,” he says and steps towards the bed, “I have to get the kids to daycare and was wondering if you needed to be somewhere this early? If not you can go back to sleep and I’ll drive you home later.” He pauses waiting for an answer.

“Umm, I don’t need to be anywhere but I should get up and home anyways.” He nods as I get up from the bed.

“Well I’ll be downstairs. The bathroom is right there; no ones up yet ‘cept me and the boys so…” he shrugs and walks to the door, “Come get some breakfast then I’ll take ya.”

I nod and he disappears. ‘no ones up yet ‘cept me and the boys so…’ yeah he meant Benji’s not up yet so I don’t have to deal with him. Thanks Joel.

I sigh and make the bed, pulling on my shoes then going across the hall to use the bathroom.

I slowly make my way down the stairs dodging a firetruck in the middle landing and go into the kitchen. I pass the two sets of curious brown eyes eating their brightly colored cereals and sit down in front of their father. “Morning” I mumble.

Joel smiles and sets a bottle of aspirin and a cup of coffee in front of me, “You look like you need it.”

“I need a lot more than this but it’ll help, thanks.” I say before really thinking but I just shrug- I’m past the point of caring anymore.

He smiles again sympathetically and nods, “welcome.”

It’s quiet a few minutes as I sit over my cup of coffee watching the tiny bubbles on the surface make their way around the cup. Joel does little things in front of me but I’m not paying attention. My mind just keeps going back to last night and the man sleeping upstairs, most-likely mad at me.

“Do you want something to eat?” Joel asks, “We have cereal, pancakes, eggos, toast…anything?”

I shake my head, “No thanks, I’m fine.”

He sighs, “Okay.” And sits in front of me again, his elbows on the tabletop and chin in his hands. “If you wanna talk I’m here.”

I nod but I keep staring at my cup. “Billy,” I hear him sigh, “I know you want to talk about it- I do know you well enough to be able to tell.”

“I guess I need to talk to someone,” I sigh, “its just….” And I shrug cuz I don’t know if I'm willing to tell Joel that I’m still madly in love with his twin brother.

“What happened last night?” Joel asks quietly.

I squint and shake my head, “I think you can piece it together.” He nods and I sigh, “The night had gone well then…then,” then we almost had sex, “we just…he isn’t the same person anymore- not the person I fell in love with.”

“We’re all different, we’ve all changed,” Joel offers. “But when you two were out…what was that like?”

“Good.” I pause and nod, “There were a couple awkward silences but other than that…it was almost like we’d never been apart.”

“Then how is that any different? How has he or you changed?” Joel asks.

“I..there was no attraction.”

“But why are you trying to run away?” Joel asks and I begin to protest because I don’t want him to think that I don’t want to be his friend- but he stops me, “No, I can tell- you would have wanted to just leave this morning and never come back. Why would you throw everything away because you two weren’t attracted to each other?” I shrug and he continues, “If you two were friends again, don’t you think it could grow into love again? Like last time? And even if it didn’t- don’t you value Benji as just a friend? Or me and Sam?” I nod and he sighs, “It’s not about me and Sam but Benji…Billy, now that I look back Benji hasn’t been as happy as he was while you two said you were together. Not band-wise happy but just…happy.”

I pray that Joel isn’t just saying this to make me feel better, “You’re lying.”

“No, I’m not.” Joel shakes his head, “After you and Paul left, Benji became obsessed with GC. I couldn’t keep up with him. He worked so hard- the last album…he killed himself trying to make everything perfect, and it wore him down. He wouldn’t sleep, wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t go to shows or to see other people…But we both new it would never be the same.” He pauses like he’s thinking. “And…when him and Tony were together…I think he thought maybe if he was still in the public eye, it wouldn’t matter if things weren’t perfect. But people noticed, like I noticed, that they were a couple in public but not alone. I think it was all for show. They fought…a lot.” I never knew that. “And Benji’s gotten pretty good at appearing happy, but he wasn’t. Call it the twin connection- but I knew. And when Tony finally got tired of all the shit, he left- but it was like nothing changed for Benji, he just went on with his daily business.”

I can do nothing but listen to Joel. I never knew about half this stuff. I tried not to notice Benji and Tony in the news and everything.

“I don’t know if it was GC that kept him going or…you. But…” Joel sighs, “when you and Paul quit, it was the end, and he had nothing left to live for.” Joel shrugs and looks up at me.

I don’t know what to say. I didn’t know Benji was so depressed. It seemed like he was happy with the way things had gone after we left.

Joel’s chuckle startles me out of thought and he explains as I look at him, “You should have seen him earlier yesterday.” He laughs again, “I haven’t seen him like that since the early days of GC.”

“Like what?” I ask.

Joel smiles and shakes his head, “….happy.”

I ask, “So what do I do now?”

Joel shrugs, “Try it again. Don’t give up on starting your friendship over again.”

“But he hates me now.”

Joel shakes his head, “No he doesn’t. Benji doesn’t have any will left to hate. And you love him too much to let him hate you.”

I open my mouth but close it again and Joel smiles, “Yeah, you do love him. Don’t deny it.”

I blush and laugh. Joel can see right through me.

Joel looks at the clock and sighs, “Well I gotta get the boys to daycare. Am I still driving you home?”

“Yeah, I have an appointment at 1,” I nod.

“Alright lemme get the boys,” he says and I go to wait in the living room.

I do love Benji. Even after everything, I do love him. I can only hope that he will be my friend. I would rather have him as a friend than as nothing.

Like I told Joel, it was almost like old times when we were together last night. We laughed and talked the whole time. I think that if we hadn’t been friends before we were lovers- it would be different. So basically we’re starting over. That is if Benji will start over with me.

I’m not expecting for us to be together again. Well, I would be lying if I said I don’t want that. But...I have to be reasonable and know that we might never be what we once were.

What was in the past is in the past.

Just as we’re about out the door Benji comes trudging down the stairs clad in a t-shirt and a pair of boxers. He slows down as he sees me and hangs his head. The only way he can pass is by walking by me. I glance at Joel and place my hand on Benji's shoulder as he passes by. He instantly stops and slowly turns around. His eyes are tired, sad, curious and…scared almost.

I smile slightly and ask, “Benji, how about you and me go catch a movie tonight?”

His brown eyes search my face before jumping to Joel’s then back to mine. He looks confused for a second before a small smile crosses his features.

“I’d like that.” He nods.

We’re starting over.

=-=


Our life together is so precious together
We have grown, we have grown
Although our love is still special
Let's take a chance and fly away somewhere alone

It's been too long since we took the time
No-one's to blame, I know time flies so quickly
But when I see you darling
It's like we both are falling in love again
It'll be just like starting over, starting over

Everyday we used to make it love
Why can't we be making love nice and easy
It's time to spread our wings and fly
Don't let another day go by my love
It'll be just like starting over, starting over

Why don't we take off alone
Take a trip somewhere far, far away
We'll be together all alone again
Like we used to in the early days

John Lennon – (Just Like) Starting Over

=-=

oh its not done yet...........


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