Part TwoOops I guess Alyssa noticed that we’re sitting in the driveway and I haven’t put the car in park yet.
“Billy?” she smiles and I snap out of my stare at the front door of the Madden house. She reaches over and pushed the gear into park and smiles sympathetically again, “You can turn the car off now.”
I nod and groan leaning on the steering wheel, “I feel like vomiting.”
She pats my arm, “Don’t. Billy it’s going to be fine. But,” she shrugs, “if you want to leave I wont make you wait.” I mumble a thanks and she unbuckles her seatbelt as Daniel starts making gurgling noises, “Are we going to get out?” I nod and follow her lead as she gets out of the car.
So now we’re standing at the door and I'm about halfway to ringing the doorbell. I can hear kids laughing and screaming in the backyard and the occasional yell of a parent.
I mumble a sorry to Alyssa as I finally ring the doorbell and she shakes her head with a ‘you don’t have to be’. We hear someone shuffling towards the door and a yell of, “Matthew stop running in the house” as the door is yanked open.
Joel greets us with a smile and hugs, “Hi, I'm so glad you two came. Come in, come in.” We step in the house and Joel yells away from us “Benji! Samantha! Come here, Billy and Alyssa are here!”
A little brown haired boy standing next to Joel’s leg is looking up at us and pulls on Joel’s pant leg when he’s done yelling to his wife and Benji. Joel pulls the mini-version of him and Benji in front of his legs and smiles, “This is Matthew. Matthew this is your uncle Billy and aunt Alyssa and cousin Daniel.”
Matthew, their oldest, grins and eyes the colorful package in my hands as he waves and giggles, “It’s my birfday!”
I smile, “Oh really? Cuz I think this is for you then!”
He giggles and looks up at Joel before taking it and turning back to his father as Benji and Samantha come down the hall. He smiles and in his 5yr old voice sounds so much like Joel, “I gone go take it to the table.” Joel nods and the little boy runs off.
Samantha, Joel’s wife, smiles as she hugs Alyssa then me and Benji hesitates before hugging me.
Benji laughs as we all walk towards the back of the house, “Things are kinda chaotic around here,” he gestures to the 2 dozen kids running rampant in the house and backyard.
Alyssa and Samantha leave to go do ‘mom stuff’ and Joel leaves after two kids start fighting over something.
I turn to Benji and laugh, “Joel really likes this fatherly stuff huh.” Benji laughs and we continue to joke and talk; those anxious feelings somewhat eased but still remain in the pit of my stomach.
=-=
“Mind if I go out on the porch and smoke?” I ask Joel.
“Nah, go ‘head.” He says and I walk out onto the back porch of their house. Benji is playing a video game with Matthew, Alyssa is feeding Daniel and Joel and Samantha are giving Jacob, their 3 yr old, a bath.
I sit down on the deck’s steps going down into the backyard and look up at the sky. The sun has just about gone down, streaking the sky with blues, purples, oranges and reds. The birthday streamers hung throughout the yard mirror the colors in the sky. The air is still and if you listen hard you can just hear the crickets begin to chirp- and Benji and Matthew jeering at their game.
Wow, this has been a day. I came here not knowing what was going to happen but I’m glad I came. Benji and I spent most of the day just catching up. We didn’t talk about ‘us’ but I’m okay with that- I think we’re both at an understanding that what we had is in the past. If something does happen between us though, I’m going to have to do a lot of thinking, because I don’t know if I’m willing to get hurt again.
So what did Benji and I talk about you ask? Lots: music, bands, traveling, cars, houses, money, the last movie we each saw, our favorite TV shows, Paul and Alyssa and Daniel, Joel and Samantha and the two kids, and like I said, nothing about us and not much about the band.
I hear the door open behind me and I turn to see Joel, “Can I join ya?” I nod and scoot over. He sits down and yawns, “Heh, I didn’t exactly get to talk to you any today.” He laughs, “kinda busy.”
I laugh, “Kinda?” he laughs and I blow the smoke away from him. “Is this bothering you?” I ask about the cigarette.
He shakes his head, “Nah, I smoked for 8 years remember?”
“Oh yeah,” I nod and offer him one.
“No thanks, I quit when we were having Jake.”
I smirk, “Yeah, it’s been a long time. Hard to remember stuff…” I trail off.
Joel nods and shrugs, “Well, I know I left in kinda a hurry the other day but I couldn’t leave Sam with the boys.”
“It’s okay.”
“But uh, we do want you to be around more. Start anew,” he nods smiling at me, “I’ve missed ya lil Billy.”
“I have too.” I nod, “I’ve missed being around you guys.”
Joel smiles, “Well we can fix that.” He nods confidently. “So tell me Billers, what have you been up to?”
“In a nutshell?” he laughs cuz that was an old joke- I’m glad he remembered. I begin to open my mouth when we hear someone yell a shrill ‘daddy!’ through the house.
He sighs laughing, “And the calmness has come to an end.” He gets up and signals for me to come back in the house.
“Daddy! I won, I won!” Matthew says jumping around, “I beat Benji!” Joel congratulates him and talks to him as Benji comes into the kitchen where I’m standing by Alyssa and Daniel. He got us coffee and we sat at the table as Joel and Samantha came down with Jake.
Jake runs up to Benji, “Unnlle Bennji, gimme a mo-haw-k,” he says careful to enunciate like he’s just learned the word.
I watch as Benji grins at his little nephew and forms a Mohawk in the fine dark hair. It’s nice to see Benji and that smile- I haven’t seen it in a long time. It’s even better than when I saw him the other day.
“So Billy,” Joel starts, pulling my attention away from Benji, “What have you been up to?”
I tell them about how I produce up and coming band’s albums and give guitar lessons and all the stuff I do. I can feel Benji watching me as I talk or once again maybe it’s just my imagination.
We hear Jake run back into the kitchen and we watch as he climbs into Joel’s lap, “Daddy, Matchus no fun now!” Joel smiles and asks why as we watch him in all his 3 year old attention stealing glory, “cuz he saleeping!” “Then let him sleep, he’s tired.” Joel says and Jake sighs, “But I’m borded!”
We laugh and Joel smiles again, “Then you should go to sleep too,” he says and flips Jake upside-down quickly making him giggle, “It’s past your bedtime.” Jake shakes his head and leans against his dad’s chest saying that he’s not tired. “Ok then you can sit here with us if you want,” and Jake agrees.
“I’ll go put Matt in his bed then,” Benji says as he gets up from the table.
As soon as Benji leaves the room I smile, “I always knew Benj would be good with kids.”
Joel nods, “Yeah, how bout you? You’re good with Daniel, you want kids someday?”
I shrug then nod, “Yeah, but unless I make another lifestyle change- I’m not gonna be having kids for a while.”
“So you’re still…” Joel trails off.
I was gonna say ‘yeah I still fuck boys’ but I glance at Jake and choose my words laughing slightly, “I still choose the other flavor.”
Joel, Sam, Alyssa and I laugh- it feels good to laugh. Joel asks, “So is there anyone special in your life?”
“Not at the moment.” I shake my head, “There have been boys, and a few girls heh, but nobody,” I glance at Jake to see him half asleep now, “Nobody really meaningful since Benji.”
I can tell Joel has told Sam cuz she smiles, “How’s that going? Is everything ok?”
I shrug, I really don’t know. Things had gone good today- we were almost like old times. “I dunno. It’s good…it’s good to see him again.” I shrug again.
“Would you…want to get back with him?” Joel asks. And I shrug.
“I’d have to think long and hard about that,” I say as we hear Benji begin to come down the stairs and I shrug again. Benji walks in and laughs as he sees Jake asleep also.
Alyssa smiles, “I hate to break up the party but Daniel’s asleep too, maybe we should get going?” she asks. I nod and we make our way out to the car, everyone following us.
Benji is standing nearest to me and I haven’t gotten into the car yet. I say goodbye to Joel and Samantha and turn to Benji smiling. He smiles back and I turn away fighting the urge to kiss him. “I’ll see you soon. Bye, Benji.”
He smiles and nods, “Yeah.” He closes the door and leans on the open window, “Is that bar down on Irwin Street that we used to go to still there?” he asks.
I nod and he smiles, “I wanna go again. Maybe one day me and you will go?” he half asks, half suggests.
“Sure. Sounds like fun.” I agree, my heart beating in my ears, “Call me and we’ll figure something out.”
He says goodbye one more time and waves as I pull out of their driveway. The ride home is pretty quiet as I think about why on earth I wanted to kiss him before- even after all the shit we’d been through. I still felt that familiar urge- but do I really want him? The Benji he is now? Or am i holding onto the memories?
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