Settle Up These Sorrows


Pairing: Billy/?
Band: Good Charlotte
Rated: R for language and future plot.
Dated: March 22, 2003
Summary: It's about 8 years in the future and things have changed- this is the story of what the boys have been up to. Billy's POV.


Settle Up These Sorrows

*Billy’s POV*

Part One

They came. I didn’t think they could take some time out of their precious schedules to come to their ex-band mate’s funeral. No, I shouldn’t be mad. I have to be strong for Alyssa and the rest of Paul’s family, not to mention the 9 month old in my arms.

This blonde haired boy that even though he’s so young is so much like Paul. He doesn’t understand why his mother is crying- doesn’t understand that he will never know his father.

I don’t want to think about all this right now. My best friend is gone and I’m not even sure if I'm ready to reconcile with people from our past.

I don’t want to talk to them but I know that I will have to later- not for me but for Paul.

Had it not been for Good Charlotte, our lives would be completely different. GC was getting big. Famous- everything we ever wanted to be. We had platinum records, world tours, groupies, money- but it wasn’t enough. We let it get to our heads. We wanted more. But then…it all started to go sour.

The twins got all the attention. Most people didn’t even know my name or Paul’s name. We were ‘the guitarist’ and ‘the bassist’. Sure there were the loyal fans, there from the beginning, but even they got sick of it all. We started to lose fans, popularity, album sales dropped. Joel got married and a year later his first son was born.

So when it was time to produce a new album the decision was made to change labels. Decision meaning we were dropped from our first label. The time came to sign all the contracts. The five of us sat down, ready to sign. But when we read through we noticed that the only people that were really signed were Benji and Joel. Paul, me and Chris were listed as “the band.”

And that was the last ounce of patience and determination we had left for GC. We walked. There was no way the contracts would have been re-written. And the twins weren’t about to turn anything down.

We left the best thing that ever happened to us- but at the same time cost us so much. We came home to nothing. I was 24 years old and all I could do was play guitar. I didn’t even have a place to live.

All we had was the money in the bank. Nothing except enough money to live comfortably. But we’d worked hard before, it was just like starting over again and almost like those years had disappeared.

Paul was engaged to Alyssa and got married not long after the breakup. The twins came to the wedding but couldn’t stay for the reception because they had to catch a plane to London.

And that was about the last time we saw them. Well, we saw them on TV and in magazines and they called on the first two Christmases but they pretty much left us alone after that.

We didn’t even know Joel’s second son was born until we saw the story on Entertainment Tonight. Entertainment Fucking Tonight.

But we had given up. That part of our lives was over. We had our 15 minutes of fame, or more like a couple years, and it was over. We decided to just move on.

When Daniel, Paul’s first son, was born we weren’t even sure if they got the announcement.

Ultimately we watched GC die. The music never sounded the same and the albums never sold the same amount. The band members changed as quickly the tours and even the veteran roadies got tired of the twins and quit. It has been a while since I’ve heard the name Good Charlotte and I think that it’s finally over for them.

And now. Paul. Gone at 29. Leaving a wife and infant.

Paul was overjoyed when he was lying in the hospital and got that phone call. It was like the closing of the GC chapter of his life. I sat there and listened as he forgave them for everything. But I was too stubborn and didn’t talk to them. But his dying wish was that we make sure that Alyssa and Daniel were taken care of and that one day I forgive Benji and Joel.

So here I am 28 years old. I'm sitting in the kitchen of my house, the house that those years lost paid for. Feeding Paul’s son as his widowed wife is consoled by close family and friends. Remembering the story of our lives.

I didn’t think the twins would come to the Wake but they’re here. They’re talking to his family but I still don’t know if I even want to see them.

It’s been four years since the breakup. At least two since I’ve said anything to them. I don’t even know what I want to say. So I just put it in the back of my mind and make the most of this sad occasion.

Although my house is small, I’ve somehow managed to avoid them until everyone has left. Paul’s family took Alyssa home and now I'm all alone with the two people that have made my emotions shatter.

“Stop looking at me like I’m about punch you,” I say as I start to pick up some cups off the coffee table. They’re sitting on the sofa right in front of me just staring. “You know I can’t hurt a fly,” although they haven’t been around to know anything about me anymore.

I haven’t looked them in the eyes all night- I'm dreading it. All the anger and pain that I’ve been suppressing is just waiting to come out. I take the cups to the sink and begin rinsing them out, watching the twins out of the corner of my eye.

Benji looks over to Joel and sighs then stands, picking up some more dishes. Joel follows and they come into the kitchen placing the cups on the counter next to me. The twins move to lean against the table. Just watching me once again.

Why aren’t they talking? I wish they’d say something because I honestly have no idea where to begin. Well here goes…

I lean against the counter top and look down, “Well, hi boys. How ya been?” and I finally look at the set of identical eyes in front of me plastering on a smile.

Joel looks over to Benji then back to me, “Uhm, all things considered- good,” He nods, “you?”

‘All things considered’ yeah. I hang my head and smirk, “Good.” And I know they can tell I'm not sincere in that answer.

There’s a moment of awkward silence- nothing but the water running in the sink and the slight clank of the dishes on the steel as I grip the cups. God help me that I don’t chuck this fucking thing at someone.

“The service was nice,” Joel says. There ya go, peaceful Joel, “and the Wake too.”

I nod, “Yeah. Hard to process that he’s gone.” Why did I just do that to myself- I keep reminding myself. “Glad you all could make it.”

“We wouldn’t have missed it,” Joel adds, a hint of a condescending tone in his voice.

“Well its not like you’ve been around lately,” I mutter as I turn the water off and brace my hands on the counter.

Its as if I can hear them stop moving, stop breathing.

Joel’s first to speak, “Billy…Paul died- we weren’t going to miss his funeral.”

“I just…I wasn’t sure you even cared anymore.” I stumble. And that silence rings for another few seconds.

“We still care…”

“Well its not like you’ve showed it in the past two years,” I spat and I can see the twins flinch out of the corner of my eye. “Ya know, up until a few days ago, I was happy never seeing you two again. And this certainly isn’t the way I had planned to see you again.”

“Billy...” Joel says trying to keep me calm but I'm far past calm.

“No, I was fine. When we left, sure it hurt, but I’ve moved on- or at least I tried to…”

Joel raises his voice, “You want us to leave? Cuz we will, right now. Say it and we’re gone.”

“No, I want to find out what went wrong. What happened?”

Benji smirks, “Well you seem to know- tell us Bill.” That’s the first words he’s said to me all night.

I stop and just look at him, he’s still the arrogant fucker I knew. “Ok I will…” I say trying to calm my voice once again. “You two pushed us out of the band…”

“Whoa, whoa…” he says holding up his hands.

I catch myself before I lunge forward, “No. You asked, now you’re going to find out how I feel.”

“You two let the fame get to your head. You would do anything and everything to get on the covers of those magazines, sell the most records, have the “rock star” reputations. But did you once think about the people around you? Did you ever think about how we might feel not even being considered part of Good Charlotte? No one knew our names. I was constantly surrounded by people but so fucking lonely. You two never asked us about anything- to you all we were was the people in the background.”

Joel stands back up, “You were “living like a rock star” just as much as we were. Do you think you’re the only one that suffered?”

“No,” I respond. “I know it was hard for all of us…”

And Joel continues, “Do you think it’s easy to have to deal with someone with a drug problem?”

I groan, “I was clean for a whole year. Did you ever put two and two together and figure out that the reason I picked back up on those drug habits? Because you two were never there. You could have helped me. The only thing I had to live for was that high- and the only way I could get it was on a stage or from a bag. And even towards the end- I dreaded the shows.”

“It was hard on all of us. The long time away from anything remotely familiar. The strangers constantly around,” Benji says, “having to get up everyday and do the exact same thing…”

“Do you know what it was like to be married but see more of your bus driver than your wife?” Joel asks. “Missing your kids birthdays, first steps- all that?”

“No, but I do know what it’s like to be forgotten,” and I turn to look at Benji. He’s staring right in my eyes; I’ve hit the one topic I really didn’t want to uncover. But I don’t think Joel has realized anything yet, “I do know what it’s like to have the one person that you really believed loved you just fade away. Stop calling. Stop caring.”

“What are you talking about?” Joel asks as I continue to look at Benji.

“You never told him?” I ask Benji incredulously.

“Told me what?” Joel asks again.

Benji’s eyes never move from me as he says, “Billy and I were together for that last year and a half. But this is about the band, Billy. Let’s talk about that another day.”

“What is there left to say about the band?” I ask. “I regret, with every bone in my body, that I ever joined. For everything I’ve gained, I’ve lost ten times over.”

“Billy, Good Charlotte is…dead.” Joel ends, “No more. We’ve all lost it.”

“I know it wasn’t anyone’s fault in particular,” I stop and look at my hands, “we all let the fame get to our heads. Paul wanted me to forgive you two. So for him- I forgive you. I…from now on…I…I want to say that I have no hard feelings but I don’t know if I can. Not yet anyways. There are just a lot of bad memories and scars. Those were some of the darkest years of my life- but at the same time I had almost everything I wanted but still wasn’t happy. And there were times when I was happy- but it was either artificial or I was skeptical of it. I wasn’t the easiest person to be around. I know I could have stayed. I could have tried a little harder to make it work.”

“It wasn’t anyone’s fault,” Joel says quietly.

I stop again and take a second to gain some strength, “I…what happened to Paul and I…hurt. And when you pretty much disappeared from our lives, we thought that maybe all the blame we put on the fame was just to cover up the fact that you had grown tired of us- that you hated us. I’d never wish that feeling on anyone. But you’re right it is all over now…I guess the only place to go is up, things can only get better.”

“Can we be who we were before Good Charlotte?” Benji sighs, “It is just you, me and Joel now. We made so many mistakes… We had something before the band- can’t we have something after?”

“I don’t know. I’m alone now- it would be nice to have that security of having old friends back again.” I sigh, I cant take much more of this- It making me miss Paul and everything even more. “But I cant get past all the memories,” my eyes are burning and my head is swimming I need to get away. “I just…I feel like I'm going to vomit.”

I lean against the cold refrigerator but the room is still spinning, “Give me a few minutes…”

I dash up the stairs and into my bathroom locking the door behind me falling to the toilet and letting the tears and stomach acid go. The burning in my throat only brings more tears to my eyes.

It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. Paul was supposed to be here. Benji was supposed to be with me forever. We always said that we’d always be together as a band- now we aren’t even friends. The tears are coming harder now and I sit back against the wall curling into myself.

Everything is so wrong- I was just starting to do alright. I was just starting to forget about what Benji and I had. My business is going good.

Paul- his life couldn’t have been better. Still a newlywed, a baby, his business. Just not supposed to happen.

Does Benji even care for me anymore? Or has he forgotten about me? I know he doesn’t care- I’ve seen him with his significant others. I was just a fun time- if even that.

I don’t know if I can even look at him the same way. I gave him so much and he just…took it.

Half of me wants to move on, but the other half is lonely and scared and hopeless. I feel like I’m 17 again and coming to terms with the fact that I like boys instead of girls and I collect any strength I have left and try to dry my eyes.

I stand up and wash my face, taking off my suit and putting an old pair of shorts and a t-shirt on. I would stay here and cry myself to sleep but I know that there are still those two people downstairs… I don’t know what I'm going to say. I don’t know if I’m going to want to see these people after tonight.

I guess whatever happens next will decide that.

I slowly walk down the stairs, trying to gain some time when I hear someone sniffle. I pause and look down the stairs and into the living room. Benji is sitting on the couch with his head down and a picture in his hands. It’s the picture of Paul, Alyssa and Daniel I had on the table. I can hear him quietly sniffle and watch as he slides the back of his hand across his eyes.

I peer into the kitchen but no ones there so I guess Joel must have left. My gaze goes back to Benji and I watch him again.

He’s still the Benji I remember but the confirmation of the years passed is in his appearance. His face seems more weathered, the worry lines on his forehead deeper, and his hair isn’t some random bright color or mohawked- just simple black and a modest cut. He’s 30 now- it all seems so long ago. The sleeves on his white suit shirt are rolled up revealing his tattooed arms. I probably could still tell you every tattoo on his body without even looking at him- or at least the tattoos he had when I was around. I could tell you what they all mean to him too. Can you tell that I once loved this man?

I don’t know how long I’ve been staring when Benji looks up at me. I go down the rest of the stairs as he quickly stands, setting the picture frame back on the table and wiping his eyes. He sniffs one last time and tries to speak, “Jo…” but his voice is covered by the tears and made scratchy and pitched. He pauses and tries again, “Joel had to get home to the kids.”

I nod and think of something to say, “Umm….can I get you something to drink?” Benji looks at me before nodding and asking for some water. His brown eyes are puffy and bloodshot and I can tell he’s just about as nervous and sad as I am. His hands play with the sleeve of his shirt as I get water for us, and I can feel his eyes on me- or maybe I just want to feel his eyes on me.

I lead him back into the living room and we sit on the couch. He places his glass down and rests his elbows on his knees rubbing his fingers through his hair. He sighs and says very quietly, “He’s really gone?”

I nod but he’s not looking at me.

He pauses a few seconds before rubbing his eyes with his palms and turning his head to look at me. His eyes search all over my face and all I can do is stare back. He opens his mouth but shuts it and turns so he’s facing me. “Billy? Can I ask you something and you be completely honest with me?” he asks, his voice quiet and timid almost.

I search my brain trying to prepare myself for what his question will be but I find my heart beating faster- as if I could anymore- and my palms are sweaty, my hands shaking slightly. “Sh..sure,” I stutter, “only if you promise to be honest with me.”

He nods, “I promise,” and he looks down at his hands before looking back at me. “Billy, do you hate me?”

That’s it! oh please! I shake my head “No. I did hate you when you never called me back- when we never even broke up really.” Benji nods and I continue, “But…I don’t hate you anymore. I…I’ve tried to forget everything…and it was working. But now I’m…this is hard for me Benji.”

He nods and looks down again, “Yeah, this is hard for me too…”

“Benji,” I sigh, “why did you not call me back?”

He doesn’t look up at me but says softly, “I thought you hated me- didn’t love me anymore and that was why you left.”

“But Benji that made me hate you because you never talked to me again.” I trail off and sigh. “Benji, how do you think it felt when you showed up on TV two weeks later with that chick.”

He hangs his head and nods.

“You seemed to move on when I was still sitting here hoping that you’d call and thinking everyday that that was the day you’d call-“ I trail off, “but you never did.”

“I should have…” he says quietly.

But once again I’m on a fucking roll and I'm not holding anything inside, “Yeah, but you never did. And then to see you with all those girls, the pornstars, and cute little things- I could never compete with any of them. It made me feel like…well shit.” I sigh and scoot away from him on the couch, “and then…the thing that hurt the most…”

He turns to look at me and I have to look away as I say this part, “When you…when you came out- to…to everyone…I was proud of you.” I pause, “But then, you acknowledged your relationship with Tony. Benji, that was the worst day of my life.”

He looks away from me again and I try not to get up and leave, “I could deal with the girls- but…Tony? Benji, we were together for over a year- and we never once talked about coming out.” And I cant sit still anymore so I get up and grab my pack of cigarettes off the counter. Benji just watches me as I light up and take a few puffs.

“And you never even told Joel.” I finish. I'm telling him every truth. That did hurt the most.

“I was scared,” He whispers.

“Be honest. Did you ever cheat on me Benji?” He looks me straight in the eyes and tells me no. I believe him for some strange reason because I know he isn’t that bad of a person.

“And every time we would…sleep together,” the words bringing painful memories, “I would think that, this is the night- he’s going to stay. But you never did. You always went back to your bunk or your bed. And this went on for a year, Benji- and I was there always ready to take you back in a second.”

“I was scared,” he says quietly again.

“And the drugs,” I shake my head stamping out the cigarette, “you were the only thing that kept me off them. When you stopped being around as much the only way I could deal was with drugs. I was weak and I needed you Benji.”

“But I was never there,” Benji sighs and stands up in front of me. “I know Billy, I wasn’t around. I’m sorry. I truly am. And I understand why you hate me…”

“I don’t hate you…” I whisper.

“You deserved someone so much better than me,” he says with sadness in his voice, standing in front of me. “Billy when we were together I was so scared that we would have a fight and the band would break up- or that the fans would find out and stop us when we were finally making it. So I distanced myself enough to where you would hate me then I played you so you would stay. I was horrible to you and I'm sorry. I loved you Billy and I certainly did not show you.”

He loved me?

“I know…I know we all have a lot of pain still,” he says as he looks at me. I nod and he nods too, “Everything is gone…Paul’s gone…the band is gone…like I said before, all we have left is you, me and Joel. We have nothing to offer you but our friendship again.” He shrugs and goes back to the couch picking up something.

“I’m sure you’re tired of us now so here,” he hands me a piece of paper, “Joel’s son’s birthday is on Saturday. If...if you don’t ever want to see us again, then don’t come. But if you want to take us up on our offer- then I’ll se ya there. Our numbers and directions are on there.”

I fold the paper up and nod and he picks up his jacket, “I guess that’s it.” He says and hesitates before sticking out his hand for me to shake. I take his hand and move it into a man-hug, both of us holding it for probably a little too long.

He pulls back and smiles and I cant help but try, not too well, to smile back for the first time in too long. “And bring Alyssa if she wants to come,” he says at the door now turning the handle.

I nod and as he turns to wave goodbye one last time I speak up. “Benji? I…I forgot to ask you one thing.” He pauses and I stutter, “Do…do you still care about me?”

He pauses just looking at me, “Do you still care about me?”

And neither of us have an answer. He nods once, “See ya Saturday?” and leaves.

I stand there as I hear him drive away- everything playing in my head.

His question, “do you still care about me?” rings in my head.

Do I?

=-=

part two coming soon.


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