Love Is What I Got- I Said Remember That

The Sequel to Platinum Rings, Picture Frames and Red Duvet Covers


Get another tissue!


Ch. 12 I’m Dying Inside

She stared into Benji’s tear stained eyes- hers a mirror. Neither of them moved. Neither of them spoke. Neither of them knew what to do. He began to tremble and tiny tears escaped his eyes. He didn’t try to stop them. She reached up to wipe his cheek. It looked like he half expected her to smack him because he flinched when she touched his face. He closed his eyes and reopened them. They stared at each other. Benji tried to speak, “Did- did you hear my song?” Julie nodded and he slowly nodded too. Joel ran by yelling for Benji and stopped when he saw the two standing there. They looked at Joel and he silently turned and went back in the other direction. Benji looked back at Julie then let his eyes travel down to her left hand. He saw the rings and slowly looked down at her stomach. There was no sign that she had even been pregnant anymore. He remembered how she tried to hide it from him when she was in the house and all the times he had watched her from the shadows and seen it. She was a lot thinner than he remembered she was even before she was pregnant. He looked back into her eyes. His tears grew and his voice wavered, “I took that test. I went to talk to Ben.” Julie nodded as she remembered the tape. Her tears ran as she let him continue. He looked back down at her and fell to the floor. He touched her stomach and she wanted so bad to move away so she wouldn’t have to remember about the baby. He choked, “I’m so sorry. I'm-“ he choked on his words and put his forehead on her waist, “I was his father. I'm so sorry.” Julie heard him whimper and couldn’t hold back anymore. She put her hand over her mouth and cried so hard. If anybody had walked by it would have looked very odd but Joel and Ashley were keeping people from going down the hallway. He put his arms around her hips and cried into her, “I'm such a bastard. I’ve done so bad. So much to you. I hate myself.” He finally let go of her and fell back onto his heels. He cried into his hands, “I don’t deserve to be married to you. I don’t know what to do.” Julie put her hand on his shoulder and he sobbed still. “I love you but I’ve ruined everything.”

Joel slinked by again and opened a door about three feet away from them. He touched Julie’s arm and pointed then picked up Benji and led him into the room shutting the door leaving them there. Benji didn’t even know what had happened but he kept crying still sitting there on the floor. She was standing in front of him and he looked up, “I'm so sorry. For everything I’ve done.” He sobbed and put his forehead on the ragged carpet. She fell to her knees and cried into her hands. He kept sobbing, “I hate myself. I don’t know why you even married me- I'm doomed. I'm never going to be good to you. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I be good to you?” Julie put her hands on his and tried to lead his crying head up. He looked up at her and sniffled choking on his tears. She wiped his jaw line and he closed his eyes squeezing out tears. She whispered, “Open your eyes.” Benji shook his head and sobbed leaning into her hand on the side of his face. She whispered, “Please?” and he put his head down opening his eyes then slowly looked up to her face. He had a hard time looking at her, “I’ve hurt you so bad-“ Julie closed her eyes. “How are you so strong?” he sobbed quietly. Julie shook her head, “I'm not Benji. I need you. I need you to be strong for me. Stop crying please? Please?” Benji nodded and tried to sniff and make the tears stop but when he looked in her eyes they began again just as hard. She cried, “Please Benji? I can’t do this anymore.” He looked up at her through tears. She wiped his face and he sat up on his butt next to her on the floor. He sniffled trying so hard to stop the tears. She sat next to him and tried to compose herself.

They sat in silence for a minute until Julie tried to speak again. “Benji- Benji look at me.” Benji slowly looked up at her. Her hands were trembling lightly and her stomach was doing somersaults. She took a deep breath. “I don’t know if you know this but that day when you went to talk to Ben Joel recorded it.” Before Benji could say anything she continued, “He made me listen to it. Benji, you’re not a bad person. I don’t want you to hate yourself. But I need to know,” she paused collecting her thoughts. “I need to know if you still want us to be married.”

Benji looked up at her his eyes pleading, “Yes. More than anything. Do you?”

Julie nodded surprising herself at how calm she was able to be. “I do. But I don’t know if we can make it work.”

Benji let a tear roll down his cheek, “I can’t lose you. I wouldn’t live if I lost you.”

She nodded and wiped her eyes, “Then we have to learn to trust each other. We have to start over again.”

Another tear ran down Benji’s face, “But we’ve tried that twice. What if it doesn’t work?”

“If we want it bad enough it will work. But if it doesn’t,” she said her voice trailing off.

Benji closed his eyes, “If it doesn’t?”

She choked, “Then we’ll know we weren’t meant for each other and we’ll,” she choked again, “go our separate ways.” She pulled her knees up to her chest and tried to squeeze the tears away.

Benji shook his head, “No, I love you too much to not love you. I will make it work.” He began sobbing again. “I can’t live without you.”

Julie put her head on her knees and let the tears fall. He wiped his eyes and looked over at her. “Julie? Where are we now?”

Julie sniffed and wiped her face. “We’re together again. We have to trust each other and just- it’s going to take some time to be a married couple again and do the things a married couple do.”

Benji nodded, “Okay. I don’t know if this is right to say but thank you for taking me back. I don’t deserve you.”

Julie put her hand on his, “Stop saying that please? You do deserve me. You’re the only man I’ve ever loved. The only person I could ever imagine spending my life with. If you had ended your life that day- what two years ago- I know I wouldn’t have made it through. I probably would have gone right with you.”

Benji looked at her, “You mean that?”

She nodded, “If you had gone- I had it planned in my head how I was going to do it.”

Benji started crying again, “I'm so sorry.”

Julie wiped his tears, “Shhhh. I don’t want any more pain from that. Let’s put everything from the past behind us. I know that sounds crazy and cheesy but let’s forget everything from the past. Except for one thing.”

Benji looked at her, “What’s that?”

She smiled genuinely for the first time in a long time, “That we’re married.” He smiled and nodded. He held up his hand with his wedding band and she held up hers. He took her hand in his and lightly kissed her ring. She smiled and ran her thumb over his smeared eyeliner. She pulled him in for a hug and he hugged her back. “You’re shaking,” she said as she began to cry again. He put his head into her shoulder and cried. They held each other until he pulled away.

“I know this sounds really crazy but-,” he looked into her eyes, “will you come on tour with us. It’s only two months, Ashley can come. We have two extra bunks.”

Julie looked into his pleading eyes, “I don’t know.”

“Please? I want to make up for lost time. Please?” he asked.

She looked down as she thought, “I guess I have nothing to lose.”

Benji asked, “Is that a yes?”

Julie shrugged and took a breath then smiled, “Yeah, I guess so.”

Benji smiled, “Are you sure you want to?”

Julie nodded and smiled, “Yes, if it doesn’t work I’ll come back home. But I don’t have anything with me or anything.”

“Where’s all your stuff?” he asked standing up.

She stood up too, “At my parents.”

He smiled, “Let’s go get it.”

She smiled and hugged him, “See this is why I love you.”


Ch. 13 A Bump In The Road

The bus hit a big bump in the road and Julie woke up. ‘I’ll never get used to that’ she said to herself as she turned over in the small bunk. She had decided to join Benji on the tour- and they went to her parents at 2 am to get her stuff. Ashley came too so Julie would have someone not male to talk to and hang out with when the guys performed. They were on the bus driving to the next city that first night- right after they cried and started over. (Just details to set you straight.) She put her head back on the pillow and closed her eyes. Then she heard someone crying. Not just anybody- Benji. She had heard his cry enough times to know it was his in a second. She pulled back the curtain and looked across the aisle and up into Benji’s bunk. He wasn’t there. She pulled the blanket off her body and got out of the bottom bunk that she was in. She checked in Benji’s bunk again and listened for the crying. Joel lightly pulled his curtain down, “I would have gone but I can’t see him like that,” he whispered tired and sadly. Julie nodded, “Where is he?” Joel shrugged, “Front I think.” Julie nodded and pulled her hair back and opened the door leading into the kitchen area. She peeked around but there was nobody there. Where was he? She listened for the crying again and heard it faintly. She neared the bathroom and opened the door to see Benji huddled in the tiny bathroom crying on the floor. She knelt down next to him and touched his arm. His head shot up as he looked at her and tried to get up but he was stuck. She looked into his face and asked him what was wrong. He shook his head and wiped roughly at his eyes. “Benji? What’s wrong?” she asked again. Still no answer except a hiccup and a sniff. She stood back up and held out her hands to help him up. He took them and shakily stood up in front of her. She looked into his eyes as he began to cry silently again. She stepped out of the bathroom and pulled his hand lightly, “Come here, Benji.” He stepped out and she led him over to the little couch. He sat down and put his head in his hands. She sat Indian style next to him and took his hand away from his face, “What’s wrong?”

He looked at her face full of compassion and worry and wiped his eyes. He shook his head, “I don’t know. I just- I couldn’t sleep and I was thinking. I thought ‘What if you’re only doing this because you’re pitying me’?” he choked.

Julie took his hand again, “Benji, look at me. I love you. I want to make this work. Benji I don’t know where my life would be without you. If this is a cover for you not wanting to try and make this work then just tell me and I’ll be out-“

He cut her off, “No, I want to be with you. I just- I'm scared. Scared I’ll mess up and I’m scared I’ll lose you again.” he said sobbing.

She took both his hands and stood in front of him then kneeled to his eye level, “Benji I love you. And I’m just as scared. But we can be scared together. If something else happens then we’ll work through it. Okay? Is there anything else that’s bothering you? ”

She looked into his eyes and he shook his head no. She wiped his tears away and hugged him and he hugged back trembling. “I'm just scared.” He whispered into her neck.

Julie whispered back, “I know. I am too.” She let go of him and he wiped his eyes. Standing back up she took his hand again, “Do you think you can sleep now?” He shook his head and she nodded, “Okay, here lie down. I’ll sit with you till you can. You have to perform tomorrow.” He nodded and lay down on the couch beside her. She covered him with the blanket and wiped the last tear that fell from his eye.

He looked up at her and put his hand over hers on his cheek. He blinked and looked back into her eyes, “I love you. I want you to always know that. I love you.” Julie nodded and smiled then leaned down. Kissing his temple then whispering ‘I love you’. She lightly rubbed his back as he drifted off to sleep.


Next- Ch. 14
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