Pardon My Mush

Ch 6 Not Anymore

I slowly open my eyes. I’ve tried to stay asleep for as long as I possibly can but my bladder has other plans. As inviting as it sounds, I'm not peeing on myself. I listen to see if anyone else is around before I slide out of my bunk and make my way to the bathroom.

It reeks of vomit and hey, I know where that came from. I was a contributor. There are four very hungover men on this bus, well I'm just sick of life.

I am such a sight right now; I'm still in my clothes from yesterday, they’re wrinkled and smell of alcohol and smoke from the club, my hair is sticking up in some places and contoured to my head in others, my eyes are puffy and bloodshot and they hurt. I don’t think I could cry anymore. I'm at that point where I have nothing left- to cry or otherwise. My head is pounding and my arms and legs are stiff, my back is spasming from lying on the hard mattress for so long. I don’t know what time it is. I'm thinking about noon, probably later.

I hear the bathroom latch jiggle then someone knocks on the door. What the fuck is up with that? That happens way too much. I open the door and Paul grunts a hello as I pass by.

I decide I cant be a hermit all day and my stomach is actually grumbling so instead of going back to my bunk I step into the front lounge and grab a pack of Ritz crackers and some 7up.

Before I realize that he’s there, I look at Billy. He lying on the couch in a black wifebeater and red boxers, his eyes closed but a frown pulling at his face. He’s got a killer hangover, I can tell.

I shake my head, all the feelings coming back and look at Benji. He’s looking up at me. He smiles lightly and nods towards the seat across from him. I slide into it and rest my head on my palm before I look back at him.

“How are you?” he says very quietly. I shrug and he nods. I think he can tell how I'm really doing- not good. He holds out the bottle of aspirin and I take two. “We’re stopping in like 2 hours, wanna talk for a little while when we get there?” he asks.

I shrug and stop then shake my head no. I don’t know if anything can help me now, not even Benji. He nods and I get up slowly, telling him to wake me up when we stop. I know I shouldn’t have but I take one last glance at Billy.

I crawl back into my bunk and cry myself to sleep silently. When will I get over this?

=-=

I'm walking towards the bus and Billy is standing around the door talking on his cell. He looks so good. Damn, Billy why do you have be so fucking great? My heart skips a beat as I near him and he looks at me smiling. I force smile back and wave as I pass him stepping onto the bus. But I don’t go in all the way yet.

“Yeah, I hate hangovers.” I listen to him talk, his voice smooth, “I had this crazy dream last night,” he continues as I eavesdrop on him. “It was about Joel,” I freeze. “He told me he loved me.” he pauses and I cant hear what the other person says. He laughs lightly and starts to walk away but not before I hear, “Yeah, like that will ever happen.”

And that’s the last bit of hope I have left blowing away. It’s all over now. I have nothing left, nothing. I just…nothing. All I wanted…gone.

My body goes numb with anger, anger at myself, anger at my life, anger at everyone. No one can save me now. Its over. I drop what I was holding and walk up and down the small hallway in the front lounge, pacing. Benji is in the bunk area but I don’t see him.

This anger is boiling inside of me, I can’t control it. I yell and slide my arm over the countertop, making water bottles, cups and everything go crashing to the ground. Benji runs out and asks me what’s wrong but I just…I keep going. I slam my fist against the aluminum wall making a dent and decide I have nothing…so why go on?

I rip open various drawers, Benji grabbing at my hands. “What are you looking for?” he yells.

“I don’t know,” I scream. God, give me a sign. I beg ripping open more cabinets. A knife, pills, alcohol, a gun…. I can’t see through the tears but I keep looking. Damn, why can’t I find anything useful? I move to the front and look through the compartments. First thing I find I'm going to use it.

“Joel…” Benji yells as he grips one of my hands, “Stop. What is wrong?” I thrash around and try to pull my hand away but he just grabs my other one. “Joel! Calm down.”

I pull away from him, “Don’t tell me what to do. You can’t help me anymore.” I don’t know what comes over me but I pull my fist back and let it fly knocking Benji square in the jaw.

And the instant it happens I see what I’ve done. And I only feel a million times worse. More angry. I just watch him and everything goes in slow motion. He reaches up and clasps his jaw. He closes his eyes then opens them and stares straight at me. I can’t believe what I’ve done.

“Benj, I,” I mutter stepping forward to apologize but he throws his hands up and backs away. He silently tells me to not even bother. He shakes his head and grips his jaw again backing up.

I turn and numbly walk to the back of the bus. One phrase repeating in my head: What am I going to do?

I sit on the couch, rubbing my hands over my scalp; my short nails digging into my skin. All I can hear is my heartbeat pounding rapidly in my head my breathing shallow and strained.

I faintly hear Billy enter the bus and his voice rings through my head. “What happened?” he asks. “I don’t know. Joel got upset about something.” Benji says. I heard Billy’s footsteps come closer, “Well let me see if I can cheer him up.” I hear Benji begin to protest but Billy comes through the door.

I don’t want to look at him. I just want to run away and never look back. I wipe away the tears but they keep falling. They’re silent tears but he notices and his voice shows his concern, “What’s wrong Joel?” I shake my head and fold my arms over my stomach just staring at the floor.

He kneels in front of me and my gaze never lifts off the floor. His warm hands fall to my knees and he bows his head down under mine and smiles. “Hey,” he smiles and I close my eyes right after our eyes make contact. I must look insane but I start rocking back and forth. I can’t take this, he’s too nice, too perfect. I can never have him, he said it himself.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, I just shake my head as his voice rings in my head ‘Like that will ever happen’. Over and over. Mocking me. “Can I tell you something?” he asks. When I don’t answer he continues, “I had a dream last night.” I grip my head with my hands again and the tears run free. “You were in it…”

He starts but I cut him off, “It wasn’t a dream…” he stops all movements and I say it again, “It wasn’t a dream, I do love you.”

“It…it wasn’t a dream?” he asks. I nod not wanting to look at his reaction. “It wasn’t a dream?” he repeats.

“No…but it doesn’t matter I heard you say,” I stop choking on a sob, “you said it could never happen. And I'm sorry, I’ll just forget about it and…” I say moving to get up but he’s in front of me.

“It wasn’t a dream?” Billy repeats, wow this boy can be dense, “What did you hear? Is this what’s been bothering you lately? Joel, I…”

“I heard you say that it would never happen…”

“No, you didn’t hear everything I said then.” I shake my head but he puts his hand on the side of my face, “What I said was, it would never happen because Joel doesn’t love me. Joel, my best friend, couldn’t love me back. I’m Billy, young dull boring Billy. I'm alone and just watching you hurts every bone in my body because I can’t have you.”

“No, you’re just saying that,” I say not looking at him or believing what he’s saying, I think I'm too far gone already.

He grabs my face with his other hand and forces me to look at him finally. He’s just as gorgeous as he’s always been just as unattainable. But…what he’s just said. I…

“Joel, I feel the same way you do. Joel I need you.” He’s smiling and I know it overcomes my face too as I smile back. “Do you want me too?” he says lightly laughing.

I nod and I can’t stop myself as I smile through my tears. He reaches up and wipes my face off with strong calloused hands. He smiles and pulls me towards him. I stare at him as he stares back and its like slow motion again as his thumb trails over my bottom lip. His light blue eyes are sparkling as he presses his lips to mine.

I can’t comprehend this at all. Not in the least.

All I know, is that I’m not alone anymore- I have Billy now. (a/n: oh its not over yet…more goodness in Ch 7. messages? JULIE)

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