Pardon My Mush

Ch 5 Get Rid Of This Feeling

“Hey, we gotta get ready to go on.” Benji says as he rubs my arm waking me up.

I still feel like shit, inside and outside. I think my emotions are making me sick cuz I can’t keep anything down but water, and even that is hard. I’m trying not to think about anything but the show. Going over songs in my head, anything but how I feel.

We left the diner and came back, Benji helping me to avoid everyone and I’ve slept ever since. The bus drove us to the next city and while the guys played video games, I slept. Billy’s birthday is tomorrow. Shit...Billy.

I gotta put on a show tonight. Damn. I’ll have to laugh and joke and smile. And talk to Billy. See this is too hard. All I want to do is sleep or get wasted on that bottle of vodka Paul has in his suitcase, the one we’re giving to Billy for his birthday. Urg, Billy again. I cant keep my mind off him. It only adds salt to my wound, I'm still so fucking alone.

I crawl out of my bunk and everyone is gone except for Benji, who’s talking on his cell waiting for me. I change and warm up my voice. We walk into the venue and up to the rest of the guys. Now’s my time to block everything out and put every emotion, every thought, every little bit of my problems out of my head. And focus on the show. I don’t know how, but I do it.

=-=

I hear him sigh in his sleep. My god we’re all so wasted. The three of them are passed out; I have no idea how I’ve managed to stay conscious. I drank more than Paul and Benji. But we did drink more than three hours ago and since I’ve been throwing up everything, all the alcohol is out of my system.

But Billy, Billy drank a lot. Maybe that’s why I'm watching him. No, I think we all know the reason I'm watching him.

I haven’t really looked him in the eye in two days. I still feel guilty. Still feel like shit. Feel even more alone than before.

So Benji’s strewn across one couch and Paul is slumped in the corner with his head against the glass. Billy’s sitting up on the end of the couch closest to me. I'm in the kitchenette, just staring at him in the dark. I don’t know what I'm going to do. I wish now I had confessed to him instead of letting it get to me. Should have listened to Benji.

But…I just don’t know what to do. Do I tell him? What would happen if I told him? Do I move on? How would I move on? How long will I be alone?

Do I love Billy? Yes, I do. I couldn’t think of not having Billy in my life. I’ve lived with him for what- four years now. Not a day goes by I don’t think about him. He makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me happy. Billy was there when my heart was broken, helped me stand back up. And I’ve been there for Billy. Since the day we met we were inseparable. When we’re not on tour, we’re together anyways. I always feel something’s wrong when he’s not around or when I don’t know where he is.

And it’s killing me now. Our relationship. The chance that I may never have him or his friendship back like it was again. Like a hole in my heart. Something I thought could be great turned out to be unattainable and wearing to every pore in my body.

And I hate myself for it. Hate myself for even thinking the way I did. Hate myself for destroying possibly the best thing I’ve ever had. Hate myself for allowing myself to fall so hard. Hate myself for being so unlovable. Hate myself for being me.

My head pounds as my conscience screams in my mind.

I see Billy stir in his drunken state, his head lolling forward than back onto the couch. He groans, his hands clutching at his stomach. His eyes flutter open and he looks over to Paul and Benji before his eyes flicker to me. I can’t tell if he knows I'm awake or not.

He stands up, gripping onto the side of the couch. He sways and groans still swiping at his stomach. He steadies himself and hangs his head. He’s breathing heavily and squeezing his eyes shut. He goes to take another step but sways again almost falling over. And this time I know he knows I'm awake.

He lifts his gaze to me and blinks focusing in the dim light. “Joel...” his voice cracks, “I’m gonna be sick. Where’s the bathroom?”

And I'm such a sucker. I’m immediately at his side, one arm around his waist the other hand clutching his arm. I guide him into the tiny bathroom and help him kneel without smacking himself on the hard doorframes. He sits there trembling and lurches forward emptying his sickness into the toilet. He groans and heaves again as I hold back his long bangs and lightly rub his back.

When he’s apparently done, he sits back on his heels and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. I grab a towel and help him. He looks up at me and tries to slide his legs out from under himself to stand but it doesn’t work and he grips onto my arm to help himself up.

“Where’s my bed?” He scratches and I take his arm again, leading him to his bunk. I point and he nods, his hands falling down to the bottom of his shirt and groping for the hem. He finds it and gets his shirt about halfway up when I notice I’ve been staring again.

I turn to leave but stop when I hear him. “Joel, I need help.”

He’s stuck in his shirt and I help him take it the rest of the way off. He goes to take his second shirt off but needs my hands again. I bite my lip and frown as I help him. I have to look at his body, knowing I can never have him. I feel the tears sting the back of my eyelids and I close them as I take his shirt off completely. He’s unbuckled his belt and tossed it to the floor. He lifts his foot to put it in his bunk but stumbles and nearly falls.

I catch him, my arms around his waist his skin so warm. I close my eyes again and steady him. He turns his head to look at me and I open my eyes as he asks, “Joel, what’s wrong?”

I shake my head, “Nothing. Here, sit down.” He obeys and lies in his bunk. I pull his blanket up for him as he began to search for it.

He grins a drunken smile but stops when he looks at me. His big blue eyes looking up at me. I mumble goodnight and start to move away but his hand grabs my wrist sloppily.

“What’s wrong? Joel?” I shake my head and he frowns. “No, you aren’t leaving until you tell me.” I sigh and sit down. Maybe if I don’t say anything he’ll just go to sleep. I sit there just staring at his hand on my wrist. I can feel his eyes on me but I can’t look at him. I feel his grip slowly loosen on me and his breathing fall into a deep pattern. I look at him one last time as his eyes slowly close. I say a goodnight and he mumbles it back.

I slip over to my bunk and lay down. I stare up at the wood above me letting the tears fall. I don’t know what I'm going to do. I look back over at him.

Getting back up, I stand over Billy. He looks so peaceful, so happy, so content. How does he do it? I reach up a shaky hand and brush a strand of his sweaty hair off his cheek. I don’t know what I'm doing right now. I take a breath, “Billy?” he doesn’t move so I continue. “Billy, I’ll tell you what’s wrong. I'm in love with you. I'm so in love with you that it’s tearing me apart and I cant stand to be alone anymore. Billy, I need you. If I had one wish it would be for you to return that feeling. But I’m never going to have you and things will never be the same between us again.” I hold my hand over my mouth and swallow the sob that’s threatening to surface, “God, I love you.” I whisper one last time before I turn and slide into my bunk, erupting into a sobbing mess. I cry myself to sleep. I don’t want to do this anymore. I need away out of this loneliness. God help me before I do something stupid.


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