Pardon My Mush

Ch 4 Painfully Making Me Realize

I open the door as quietly as I can and hope that everyone’s asleep. I step into the room and silently curse as I look at the beds. Paul and one of his friends that are visiting are in one bed leaving Billy in the other.

I can’t bring myself to get into that bed as I watch him sleep in front of me. I shake my head and go sit on the couch facing away from him.

I am not gonna be fucking guilty. I'm just not going to.

I lie down and try to fall asleep but its not happening so I get up and go into the bathroom. I shed my clothes again and step into the shower for the second time in less than an hour.

I scrub myself. Taking what is usually referred to as a ‘Rape Victim Shower’. I stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my waist and instantly felt my stomach churn. Damn fucking sex and alcohol.

I wretch until I have nothing left and fall back against the wall. My head hitting it with a sick thud. I cross my arms and close my eyes. I'm so fucking pathetic.

I hear a knock on the door. Déjà vu. I silently pray its not Billy or even Paul.

“Joel?” It’s Benji voice. I croak a ‘yeah’ back and he asks if I'm okay. When I don’t answer the doorknob turns and Benji steps in, a concerned look on his face. I don’t even bother covering myself up with the fallen towel, he’s seen me naked before; I could really care less now. Everything is starting to hit.

He kneels down after the door is locked and fixes the towel. Me laughing slightly at the irony of the situation. I remember so many nights of doing this for him. Now it’s fucking me. I used to be so strong.

“Ya alright?” I nod slightly and look at my hands. He pauses a second before asking, “I’m taking Vicki to the airport. Want to come? I wanted to spend some time with ya.”

I shrug and he cocks his head to the side, “You sure?”

I shake my head, “Yeah, I’ll come.” My voice scratchy from puking. He nods and stands back up outstretching his hands to help me up. I stand and avoid the mirror once again. “Benj, can you get me some clothes?” He nods and goes back out into the room shutting the door behind him.

I reach down and pick up my clothes, taking my wallet and my phone out of the pockets. I place their contents onto the counter and wash off my face. He returns handing me some clothes and actually helps me get dressed. Makes me feel better and calmer yet at the same time more pathetic than before. I must really look as bad as I feel. He picks up my wallet handing it to me then my phone and the coins from my other pockets. Lastly he’s holding the piece of paper with Scott’s name and number on it.

“Scott?” he says quietly. I just nod and grab the paper shoving it into my pocket. He’s looking at me and I can’t bring myself to look up at him. He turns and goes out into the room me following and he says bye to the guys as I pull my hoodie up over my head and step out into the hallway. As we walk towards his room I ask for some aspirin and he gets it for me before we leave with Vicki.

We’re at the airport and I watch as Benji kisses Vicki goodbye and walks her to the gate. I sit down and close my eyes, resting my head on my palm. I don’t even want to think right now. So I just listen to the bustle around the busy airport and wait for Benji to come get me.

=-=

Benji asks for a secluded table as they wait to be seated in the Denny’s restaurant. Joel hasn’t said much the whole ride.

“So are you hungry?” Benji asks. Joel just shrugs. “Do you want me to order something for you?” Joel shrugs again. “Are you not talking?” Joel just shrugs once more. “Okay.”

Benji orders food for himself and some for Joel, and they sit there in silence until Benji sighs.

“Ok, I guess I’ll just talk. So we have to drive today and do a show tonight then we got the next two days off.” Joel nods looking at the table in front of him and Benji continues, “Billy’s birthday is tomorrow.” Joel closes his eyes at the mention of Billy and Benji stops, “Okay, so I won’t talk about him.”

It silent another second until Benji decides to plunge into the deep stuff, “Did you have fun last night?” he asks. Joel shrugs. “Where’d you go?” Joel shrugs again. Benji sighs and pauses a second, “Who’s Scott?”

To this Joel shows no emotion just stares at the table again. Benji sighs and as the food is brought to the table he shakes his head, “Well if you don’t tell me then I guess I cant help you.”

He digs into his food and after a few minutes Joel joins in, picking at it mostly but eating the hash browns. When Joel finishes the bland potatoes he puts his fork down causing Benji to look up.

Joel sighs, “Scott is the guy I slept with last night.”

Benji nods and stops eating focusing on Joel.

“I went to some bar after the show and this guy was there. And after a few drinks…I slept with him.” Joel begins, his eyes cast down.

“Why?”

“Why? I just did.” Joel answers, his voice calm looking down at the faux wood patterns in the table.

“No, there was another reason. I know you better than that Joel.” Benji says.

Joel blinks and after a short pause, “I thought….I thought maybe I was just needing some sex or some attention and that was why I fell for Billy.” He pauses and closes his eyes. “But it’s not.”

“You really have feelings for Billy.”

“Yeah. And this guy was everything Billy wasn’t. He looked different, acted different, spoke different…just not Billy.”

Joel pauses again, “And now, I feel guilty for sleeping with him. And I don’t even have Billy. I’m so pathetic.” Joel breathes feeling the bile rise in his throat. “I’m so goddamn alone. I have nobody. I don’t fucking know how much longer I can put on a smile, its getting harder and harder. Billy is my friend; he never would like me back like that. He’s not even gay. Or bi, or looking for a relationship. I'm just going to be alone and… and sleeping around and never actually be loved.”

“But you love Billy.”

“Yes, and its so fucking wrong. I should never have allowed myself to fall so hard.” Joel says, his voice gaining volume. “I know he would never love me back. Who would love such a failure like me? I'm not even worth it. I have nothing to offer to him. I have no…I have nothing.”

“But you do…”

“No, don’t even say that. You have to say that. You’re my family. Everyone sees me and they think, why isn’t Joel happy. He has it so good. I don’t. I fall asleep alone every damn night. I'm so fucking jealous of everyone, because everyone has someone. I just want one person to love me. How did I let myself get so fucking sick? It was never supposed to be this way. Sometimes I wish I had never…I wish I was normal. I wish… God, why can’t I ever be happy?”

Joel gets up and runs to the bathroom, making it just in time to puke the remaining contents of alcohol and his little breakfast.

He tries his hardest not to let the tears fall as he dry heaves bent over the toilet. He wishes he could flush himself away with the vomit. He’s tried so hard and got nothing in return.

He’s never once been truly happy in a relationship in his life. His first serious girlfriend cheated on him and his serious boyfriend left him cold and lonely. Ever since the last nothing has lasted more than a few weeks, a month at the most. It was all taking its toll.

Benji walks into the bathroom and picks Joel off the floor. The tears have made trails down his face and his eyes red and bloodshot. Benji hold Joel up as he shakes and the tears never cease to fall.

“Why can’t this be over? I…I just want someone. Am I too hard to love? Too bland? Am I looking to hard? Or not hard enough?” Joel whispers, looking for answers but not finding any.

(A/n: thanks to everyone who has reviewed, I hope this story is turning out okay. The second part is in third person, I couldn’t go through all of Joel’s emotions and I hope the rambling made sense and gave you all a sense of Joel and all that he is. More later Tuesday or tomorrow. Leave me some pretty messages. Please? And Merry Christmas. Latas JULIE)


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