Pardon My Mush

Pardon My Mush

“I'm your big and brave and handsome Romeo
How I won you I shall never never know
It's not that you're attractive
But, oh, my heart grew active
When you came into view

I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie
All the day and night-time give me sigh
I never had the least notion that
I could fall with so much emotion

Could you coo, could you care
For a cunning cottage we could share
The world will pardon my mush
Cause I have got a crush on you” Queen.

Chapter 1 – Phallophobia

Alektorophobia- Fear of chickens, Lutraphobia- Fear of otters, Geniophobia- Fear of chins. No, not afraid of any of those, Didaskaleinophobia- Fear of going to school, don’t have to go to school anymore, Ranidaphobia- Fear of frogs, Pogonophobia- Fear of beards, that’s funny, reminds me I need to shave, but no. Phobophobia- Fear of phobias, no. Phallophobia- Fear of a penis, especially erect, nope definitely not afraid of those. I'm gay for Christ’s sake and I have one, well its not erect…at the moment…yeah nevermind. Mottephobia- Fear of moths, no but I do hate anything that fly’s around your face and in your mouth…yeah anyways.

As you can tell I’m bored as fuck! I’ve stumbled onto some website, very interesting but I haven’t found my phobia yet…AHA! Here it is, Eremophobia- Fear of being oneself or of loneliness & Monophobia- Fear of solitude or being alone.

Yeah, ya got me. That’s my biggest fear. I guess everyone has had that fear but I dunno for a while now, that’s been my fear. See life as a gay 23 year old isn’t easy. Let me explain and tell you what’s up, cuz my life is just so interesting that I’m sure you want to know.

My name is Joel Madden. I'm 23, the lead singer in a band, you might have heard of Good Charlotte-yeah that’s me, my twin brother, Billy and Paul- more about them in a little bit. I’m sitting in the small kitchenette on our tour bus, surfing the Internet and bored -as we’ve already established. We’ve just started our Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous Tour and we’re somewhere between Los Angeles and Denver, yeah I know what you’re saying “Oh another clichéd story about someone in a band, lonely and depressed blah blah blah” just hear me out.

So I’m sitting here and I’m trying my hardest not to steal glances at my brother. He’s sitting on the couch with his girlfriend in his lap. They’re laughing and smiling and whispering to each other. Don’t get me wrong, I'm really happy for him. I love Benji, I only want the best for him- and honestly I think he’s found it, her. But I’ll admit I'm pretty green with envy cuz I haven’t felt that in a while, maybe ever. Ok, I can hear you again, “Oh here we go…” Just let me finish.

I’m watching as Benji smiles with those dimples that have always made women, young and old, swoon over him. And a few men too- but that’s not his thing. It’s mine- all mine. Anyways, Benji smiles as Vicki says something. I find myself smiling as I watch them. He catches my eyes and smiles at me. I smile and turn back to my computer, looking for something else to take up my time.

The tour manager pops his head in to say that we’re going to stop in 10 minutes. I shut the computer down and search around for my shoes as Vicki tells Benji she’s going to change. Benji slides into the booth across from me, “What’s up biotch?” he smiles.

I smile back and shake my head as I tie my chucks, “Nuthin. My ass is numb from sittin here.”

He laughs and nods, “Yeah, well at least my ass will be getting some action tonight…” he trails off.

“Benj...Benj…Benj, I don’t want to know that. It’s bad enough my bunk is above yours…”

“Yeah, looks like you’ll be sleeping in the lounge tonight,” he laughs. I frown and he shakes his head, “Oh alright. We’ll sleep in the lounge.” I shake my head and his face sobers, “What’s up man?”

I shrug, “Just thinking.”

“Bout?”

“Somebody,” I mumble, yeah Benji knows I'm single and gay- all the guys do. I’ve had boyfriends, and girlfriends- but not for about two years now. And I’ve been single-like seriously single, one night stands don’t count- for about 6 months now, whoa that’s a long ass time.

He nods, silent for a second, his face shows he’s questioning whether or not to ask who it is or just leave it.

“I’m not gonna tell ya,” I answer his un-question, “at least not yet.”

Benji laughs, “Maybe the cashier at this truck stop has a hot little ass and,” just as Paul, Billy and Vicki walk in- I freeze and pray he doesn’t finish that sentence- but without fail, “you can fuck him in the bathroom.”

I squeeze my eyes shut as Paul asks, “What? Who’s getting fucked in the bathroom?”

Benji laughs, “Joel! He’s horny…” I shoot Benji a look and he stops mid-syllable, dropping the end of the y with his voice. He looks around the room and smiles, “Just kidding!” He laughs uneasily, “Oh look, the bus has stopped.”

I sigh and turn to slide out of the booth but someone’s blocking my way. I look up at Billy, his blue eyes cast down as he looks through his wallet. “Billy?” I say softly. His eyes snap to mine and I hold my breath. Yeah, okay you caught me again- I have a crush on Billy.

He pauses and then smiles, “Oh sorry man, I'm in your way.” he says moving back allowing me to stand up.

We’re close and my arm brushes against his chest. It takes every ounce of strength in my body not to scream with all the tension I’ve built up. Do you know how hard it is to live with someone that you’re crushing on? OI! I smile friendly at him; silently praying these feelings pass soon, and grab my hoodie walking off the bus.

Benji runs around the pitch-black parking lot like an idiot, doing that little jumping kick thing, hell I don’t know what it’s called. You know where you jump and kick your heels together? Yeah. I smile and follow everyone into the mini-mart.

I fancy a Pepsi, stepping up to the refrigerated cases and looking over my choices. Something to my right catches my vision and I turn to see Billy posing for me wearing a pair of those cheap plastic sunglasses and a trucker hat that says ‘Colorado’ in big orange letters. I nearly piss my pants laughing so hard. The way he was standing combined with the getup, plus it was Billy- of course I think it’s cute.

He smiles and closes the space between us, my heart racing as he places an identical trucker hat on my head. I smile and he laughs too, “Now we be truckin homies yo.” I crack up again as I watch him turn and goofily walk away. I grab my Pepsi and some snacks and stand up next to Benji and Vicki paying for their stuff. I glance over and see Billy still wearing the hat walking back to the bus. Benji snaps me back from my little staring session

“Joel? Ya keeping the hat?” he asks.

I stand there dumbfounded at what he could possibly be talking about then watching as he reaches his hand up to my head tugging on the hat. “Ooh, yeah I guess so.” I ramble as I notice he’s paid for what was in my hands and the hat already.

We stand outside the bus, me, Benji and Vicki, not really wanting to get back on just yet. Benji and Vicki are carrying on a conversation that I was a part of but I’ve resorted to thinking in my own little world right now- couldn’t even begin to tell ya what it was about. I don’t notice Vicki’s gone until I see Benji’s hand in front of my face. I look at him and shake my head, “what?”

He smiles, “Bro, you sure you’re alright?”

I shrug and smile, “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Cuz that’s the umpteenth time you’ve zoned out today,” he says tilting his head caringly, “tell me, is everything okay?”

I shrug again and open my mouth to say something but am cut short by my troubles. Billy steps down the stairs and smiles, “I forgot to get something, does anybody need anything else?” Benji shakes his head, “Nah, I’m good.” And I shake my head no, not trusting my voice. Billy nods and looks directly at me smiling, “Nice hat,” he twists his hat around to show me that he’s still wearing the one from earlier, matching mine, and walks on back to the mini-mart across the parking lot.

I don’t even notice myself staring but Benji does. I turn back to him and he’s smiling, oh please God no. “What?” I ask.

He crinkles his eyes, “Ryan Moore,” he smiles.

“Huh?”

“Ryan Moore, I’ve seen that look before. Senior year, that time you had a crush on the Sophomore Ryan Moore. And the absentmindedness…you have a crush…” he says in a sing-song voice, all smiles.

“Hah, on who?” I joke trying to sound ignorant to the truth.

“Well, I'm guessing…” he trails off, glancing towards the store. He raises his eyebrows.

“What are you talking about?” I try again, trying my best to stop him from going any further.

He shakes his head, “And once again, you deny it. Come on little brother…you can tell me. I’ll keep it a secret, if that’s what you want.”

I just look down, knowing he’s won and that he will keep it a secret- he doesn’t go back on his words, but I don’t agree yet. Call me stubborn. I shake my head, “you’re crazy…”

He snorts, “Okay, okay. If you say you aren’t in love with him then I guess not…” he trails off.

“I wouldn’t say in love, crush maybe,” I cringe, “Shit. Did I say that out loud?”

Benji smiles and jumps, “See! I knew it! That’s cool, are you gonna tell him?”

I shrug and kick the pavement.

“How long?” he asks still giddy.

“I dunno, I’ve always thought Billy was hot…” I mumble trailing off.

“Yeah, he is pretty hot,”

I stare at Benji, “Whoa, what?”

“What? I can say that, he is my friend,” Benji smiles, “Well, I'm sure he’d be flattered, remember how Billy’s very open about these things…”

I nod and Benji smiles again, “Well, Vicki’s waiting…Don’t fret Joely, its cool, who knows maybe all those slash authors are right in pairing you two together all the time…”

“Hey!” I laugh, knowing that some of those stories are pretty…well written. Yeah, I admit, I’ve read some of them. *mind mumbles-“fucking hot”*

Benji smiles back as he steps into the bus, “Tell him soon- rather than later-don’t let it eat at you like this…who knows…” he shrugs.

I smile and shake my head. I lean against the bus just staring out at the lights in the parking lot, the cool breeze seeping up my sleeves. Footsteps startle me and I turn quickly, “Oh.. hey Billy…”

“Hey, didn’t mean to startle you,” He smiles, I melt- everytime-, “you coming inside?” he asks in the doorway already.

I nod smiling and follow him into the bus, not ready to sleep yet and wondering what I’ll do to take up my time. Internet? Cybersex? Hmmm?

(A/n: ehh, I'm not sure about this story….ill try to make it good tho. I'm just writing this until my mind thinks of other things to write. Hmm, this makes me feel like a bad writer. Ehh….)


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