The Distance So Near

(A/n: okay so this place is real- its in La Jolla, California (like la hoyah) and its really pretty ive been there soo many times ahh I wish I could go there right now. )

The Distance So Near

Another city on the warped tour. Another hotel. Another bed. Today it was San Diego, next up another faceless crowd. In everything different there’s one thing similar- but even he’s distant.

Joel woke up and stumbled towards the bathroom hitting his elbow on the doorframe and cursing quietly.

He went back towards his hotel bed and began to lay down noticing Benji was sitting up in his bed.

“Benj?” Joel asked flipping the dim light on. Benji was sitting up in the bed, his head down and arms crossed with the covers pooled around his knees. “Cant sleep again?” Joel asked sitting next to him as he shook his head no. “What’s up?”

Benji shrugged and hung his head again. He was silent a minute as Joel studied his face, “Remember that park down the street that we’d go to to think when we were kids?” Joel nodded and Benji nodded too, “I miss it.” Joel studied his brother again and Benji cleared his throat, “I wanted to get out of here- but I had nowhere to go. I wish I had someplace like that park, right now.” He was quiet again now.

Joel took his hand, “I was talking to one of the local bands today and they told me about this place in La Jolla.” Joel turned to look at the clock, “It’s 2:30 but…do you want to go-its only about 15 minutes away?”

Benji shrugged and cracked his knuckles. He finally nodded looking up to Joel, “I guess it wouldn’t hurt.”

They stood at the railings overlooking the waves crashing on the cliffs below them. Joel looked over to Benji as he nodded, “This is nice.”

Joel nodded back and lightly took Benji’s hand, “Come on, this isn’t it.” Benji followed after Joel as he counted the twelve bars in the railings and ducked underneath at the right one.

The moon was their only light as Joel led Benji out onto a rock plateau over the ocean. He sat down and Benji sat next to him not so close, turning lightly away. Joel pulled his knees up to his chest and closed his eyes resting his head on his knees.

Benji looked out at the waves below him and tried to drown out every noise but the waves. He pushed all the thoughts out of his head and focused on the ebbing of the tide. He tried not to think about anything, not the city they were in, not the cramped bus, not

the band at all. Not how he missed Cashdogg or his mother, or his sister or older brother, not thinking about his own bed back home, or old friends he hadn’t seen in years, not about the cold, or the fact that he hadn’t showered in four days.

Nor about Joel. His twin. Sitting right next to him. So close but so far away.

Benji looked over and watched Joel sitting there with his eyes closed breathing the salty air deeply.

He missed Joel.

He missed the way Joel would smile at him and he couldn’t help but smile back.

He missed the way Joel could make everything bad disappear.

He missed the way Joel looked when they woke up together- or the way he looked when they were intimate.

He missed the way Joel fit in his arms or the way he felt when he was in Joel’s arms.

He missed the stolen kisses when they could have been seen.

He missed the little things Joel would do to show he cared.

He missed Joel.

What had happened?

The smiles were sparse, intimacy restricted, no arms were around him, limited kisses, no more caring it seemed.

Benji watched Joel, his mind filled once again with his woes. Most of them caused by his little brother.

Joel let out a sigh and opened his eyes to see Benji staring at him.

They locked eyes but there was no silent conversation only confusion.

Frustrated, Benji turned back to the ocean and listened as he heard Joel move closer to Benji. He felt Joel’s warm hands set on his jaw and lift his head upwards. Joel was kneeling before him. Joel looked into his eyes, their eyes mirrored uncertainty and question.

“Talk to me, please?” Joel begged.

Benji closed his eyes and felt Joel’s hands slowly slipping off his cold skin. He reached up and took Joel’s wrists in his.

“What…what’s happened to us?” Benji asked.

Joel didn’t have to ask anything; he knew what Benji was talking about. Joel nodded and sat back on his feet in front of Benji, "I guess it was getting to hard."

"Too hard? Too hard to love me?" Benji asked quietly looking down at Joel’s shoes.

Joel shook his head no, "too hard to stay away."

"So you avoid me? You act like we're just brothers and nothing more?" Benji questioned quietly, as though the world would shatter if they spoke loudly.

Joel closed his eyes and shook his head no.

"I was starting to feel like you were falling out of love with me."

"I would never do that. I love you but its so hard to have to figure out when to show my affection and when to hide it- I cant do it anymore Benj, I cant."

"Why not?"

"Because its almost not worth it," Joel replied quietly.

"Not worth it?"

"Its like, I have to hide everything and with all these people around- I can never just love you anymore- its too hard."

"Do you want to stop? Do you want to break up?" Benji asked looking in his eyes.

"No-"

Benji interrupted, "I love you with everything I have. I try so hard to please you and all I ask is for your love in return."

"Then help me. Help me be able to show you more- it seems we're never together anymore." Joel pleaded.

"We’re together all the time."

"But when I don’t hold your hand or kiss you- then later when I can you act like you don’t want me." Joel replied hurt.

"I feel like I’m only yours when it’s convenient"

"No! That’s just it. When is it convenient? Never?" Joel asked.

It was quiet for a while before Benji spoke, "I just want you back. I miss you."

“I miss you too.” Joel nodded, “I don’t want to lose you. I love you Benj.”

Benji pulled Joel by the arms to his, “I love you more- how do we fix this?”

Joel rested his forehead on Benji’s shoulder, “I don’t know. Let’s go back to the hotel.”

Benji nodded and stood then took Joel’s hand as they walked back to the cab. They went back to the hotel and got back into the room.

Joel took his jacket off as Benji discarded his hoodie and kicked his shoes on the floor. Benji sat on the end of his bed and watched as Joel stood before him.

“Sleep with me tonight,” Benji asked, “Please?”

Joel nodded and pulled the covers down settling next to Benji, “I wasn’t sure if you wanted me…to.”

Benji closed his eyes, “I only want you.”

Joel turned out the light and turned to Benji looking in his eyes and studying his face. He traced Benji’s features with his fingertips as Benji closed his eyes.

Benji opened his eyes and stared into Joel’s. He leaned in and placed a single sweet kiss on the indistinguishable lips.

“I’m back,” Joel whispered as he moved into Benji’s arms. “Forever,” Benji whispered back before they drifted off to sleep.


(A/n: aww that was sickeningly sappy! Just a little idea I had and the beach was an inspiration cuz I was thinking the other day how I wanted to go there- its about 45 minutes from where I live. Its soo pretty. But you have to climb down all these rocks and the last time I was there I scrapped up my shins really bad. But still I wish I could go there. So I know there wasn’t any loverly twinsex in that but I'm working on one that one next- cuz I need some. Well send me purdy messages! See ya all latas! Julie!)

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