Pairing: Joel/Billy
Band: Good Charlotte
Rated: VERY NC-17!
Dated: January 18, 2003
Summary: Billy feels rejected and ignored by Joel.
SHOWERNESS!!! Parts one and two.
Confuse Me
Part One
He’s doing it again; he said he’d try not to. Forgetting me, hiding everything, that’s what he’s doing. And I hate it. Hate how he dances with those girls. Buys them drinks. Grins that gorgeous smile. The way his bottom lip dips down when he flashes his teeth.
God Joel, why do I have to love you so much? It fucking kills me the way you drop my hand when we’re in public.
I told you I was ready, why can’t you be too? I know you’re scared, I am too. But you never seemed to care before. Why now?
I'm so fucking jealous. You leave me here, so I try and fit in. Mingle with the girls like you do. But that look on your face of deception… I can’t bring myself to enjoy it at all.
But it’s alright when you do it. It doesn’t matter when you do it. Can’t you see the anger in my face? The jealousy? The hurt?
You’re standing in front of me now. You’re eyes wide and grinning, lips so inviting. You’re close enough where you could kiss me, your hands already on my arms.
“Come dance with me Billy.” You’re drunk. I should go with you, blame it on the alcohol if anyone asked why I was dancing with you.
But I'm not going to. Because you’ve pissed me off way too much tonight. And I'm not going to give you the pleasure of using my emotions like that.
“Please, Billy?” you say, pulling at my arms but I'm not moving. “My sexy Billy. If I wasn’t so drunk…we’d get kicked out of here.” You say with a giggle.
I can’t not say what comes next, “If you weren’t drunk you wouldn’t be touching me, wouldn’t be near me.”
His face clouds in confusion, but he smiles, “You’re silly Billy. That’s not true.”
I turn my head away and finish off my drink. It’s not fair anymore. I can’t take it.
I look at him one last time before leaving him standing at the bar.
I tap Benji on the shoulder interrupting him from his make out session with his girlfriend. He looks up at me, “I’m gonna leave. See you at the hotel. Joel’s wasted, I’m tired of dealing with it.”
Benji frowns but nods, “I think we’re ready to go too. Meet you outside?” I nod and leave the dingy club and its loud music.
We pile into a cab, Benji pushing Joel inside. It’s crowded so I can’t be mad that he’s so close to me but I'm still furious.
We got to our suite and Benji pushed Joel into our room. I can’t stand to look at him. I see him struggling to stand as he takes his pants off. I don’t even want to help him.
I’m washing my makeup off and he comes in to pee, I wonder if he even realizes I'm mad at him.
I flop onto the bed and stare up at the ceiling. Paul says goodnight as he gets in the other bed and I mumble it back. Closing my eyes as I feel him climb into the bed. He begins to curl up at my side but I turn with my back to him.
I’m so angry I just want to get to sleep and not have to think about this anymore. I don’t want to break up with Joel. It would ruin the both of us. But I don’t want this love me then leave me shit anymore. Like that Home Grown song, ‘Kiss Me, Diss Me’. God, it must be bad if a song can summarize our relationship in four words.
Come on sleep.
=-=
Part Two
I wake up as Paul zips up his bag. He nods at me and winces, holding his head and shaking the bottle of aspirin in his hand. I smile and sit up. Luckily I didn’t drink much, but now I wish I had.
As I look at Joel I frown. He’s still asleep. Fuck what am I going to do?
Not sit here all day. I get out of bed and walk into the middle area of the suite. I sit on the couch and turn the television on. Might as well waste away watching the TV.
I’m lost in my thoughts and the cartoon as Joel sits next to me and tries to nestle under my shoulder. I shrug him off and he has the face of a hurt puppy. I just shake my head and turn away back to the TV.
“Billy?” he asks quietly, “Is something wrong?”
I just shrug, I'm so mad I could scream. “You tell me.”
He backs away and sits sideways looking at me. “Did I do something?” His voice uncertain.
I finally turn to look at him, “You really have no idea?”
He pauses, the crease in his brow deepening. He shakes his head slowly and whispers a ‘no’.
I nod, I shouldn’t be mad. I should just tell him what’s wrong. But I'm so mad. If either one of us were female, it wouldn’t matter. I’m just angry. Why can’t he see why?
I stand up and shake my head. “I'm taking a shower. Let me cool off.”
I get into the shower and just let the warm water soothe me. I’m not going to yell at Joel, we can work through this. It just…makes me angry how society thinks that this is somehow wrong, and as a result we can’t be accepted.
I must have been in here for a while cuz I look at my hands and they’re pruned. I turn to get the soap and start washing my body.
I’m just about done when I hear Joel clear his throat and turn to see him peering from behind the curtain.
“Can I come in?” he asks quietly. I hesitate but nod slowly and he takes off his boxers then steps into the shower with me. I turn back towards the showerhead and rinse my hair. Joel touches my arm right at the GC tattoo and sighs.
I turn to him and a million thoughts race through my head as we stand there. He’s my gorgeous Joel. Always was mine, always will be mine. But I just wish we could be honest with our close friends and not be worried about being in public. Does he not care for me enough to want us to be together?
“I’m sorry, Billy.” He says sincerely. “I know…I know you want to be more open, but I'm scared. Scared of how people react, what the fans will think, and,” he sighs, “and even our close friends.” I nod and he takes my hand. “I wish we could do stuff in public, but you know its not easy.” I frown and hang my head but he steps closer, “There’s times when you look so gorgeous or you do something adorable and I just want to kiss you, but I can’t. Or if one of us are having a bad day, it would mean the world if I could hold you.”
“But you cant,” I sigh.
He nods, “Or when all I want to do is find a dark closet somewhere and…and sex you up, I cant. As delicious as you look, people just don’t understand.” We smile lightly but it fades into a sad smile.
He takes my other hand, “Billy if it were simple I’d tell the whole world, but people don’t take kindly to people like us. Well some do but…not everyone. We’ve gone through enough hardships, both of us. Can’t we just keep it down for a while and if people find out then people find out?”
“I hate this. Why does it have to be that way?”
“I don’t know,” he shakes his head, “people suck.”
I know everything he says is true, I can’t be mad at him for things he can’t control. I nod and he smiles.
He lightly kisses my shoulder, “But I want you to promise me that you’ll never forget, no matter how much I don’t act like it in public, that I care for you. That I love you. Okay?”
I nod and kiss him lightly, “I love you too. And I’m sorry I got so uptight about it before. I know it’s not easy and that not everyone understands. I hate being mad with you, I promise we’ll talk it out before it gets like this again. And I won’t worry that you don’t love me. I'm just…sooo tired of hiding it.”
He sighs and shakes his head, I wonder if he ever thought of breaking up with me. “I am too.”
I want to tell him to be more open in public but I know that Joel’s built up this whole wall, bringing it down would drag him along with it. “Can…can we at least be a little more open? Don’t completely ignore me?”
“I never ignore you, you’re always on my mind. And…I’ll try…slowly. Okay?”
=-=
We’re going on Conan O’Brien today. We’ve been on before and now we get to talk too. Cool. So we’re sitting backstage waiting to go on, all five of us crammed on a long leather couch. But hey, I'm not complaining.
I'm on the end and Joel is beside me, his hand is on my knee and he’s leaning forward a little cuz of the crampedness. He turns his head to me and smiles. I smile back and rest my hand on his hip.
Joel looks around the room, which is pretty barren except for us and two guys talking on the other end of the room. He turns back to me and smiles before pressing his lips to mine. He pulls away and grins again.
I know that took a lot of courage for him. I smile back and make a mental note to repay him for that.
“So you guys go all around the world. What one thing do you miss when you’re on tour? What do you miss being able to do?” Conan asks.
I listen as Benji rambles on about something; I'm not exactly paying attention. Want to know why? Joel’s hand is on my back, lightly rubbing up and down. He’s trying, and that makes me so happy.
He’s doing something for me; he cares about me enough to put off everything else to make sure I know he cares. This little action means so much. I can’t wipe the smile off my face.
=-=
We’re watching a TV show, all of us in the hotel room. I'm lying low on the couch, my back flush with the butt cushions of it and my feet flat on the ground. Joel’s beside me again, his head near my shoulder and his legs flung over the side of the couch, sort of like he’s upside down. Benji’s lying on the floor and Paul and Chris are on the other couch.
He slides down off the couch and stands up, “I'm gonna shower, I smell.” Benji shoots some wisecrack at him and he flips him off. He leans down and kisses me and I smile as he backs away and walks towards the bedroom and bathroom.
He stops at the door almost like he’s forgotten something and shifts his weight on the ball of his toes. He turns back around and comes back to the couch. He grabs my hand and pulls me off the couch and towards the bathroom, giggling like he’s got something on his mind.
He shuts the door behind us and grins, reaching down to my belt. “Shower time!” he says starting to undress me.
“Shower time or…shower time?” I smile, putting emphasis on the second ‘shower’.
“Both,” he smirks and pulls me into the shower after we’re both undressed.
He turns on the water and sighs as the warm water cascades over his body, a blissful smile on his face. I watch his body, the tattoos creeping up his shoulders and the ink on his chest. All mine.
I reach forward and catch a drip of water rolling down his chest, “Ya know,” he opens his eyes and looks at me, “I already had a shower…how about we go for the second choice?”
He smiles and wraps his arms around my neck, mine fitting around his ribs. “I like that idea too,” he says before he kisses me lightly. It’s slow and gentle, sensual even with our mouths closed. He pulls away and smiles, our faces together. “I love your kisses,” he purrs. The sound sends a rumble through to my body.
I smile and kiss his cheek, moving my mouth back down to his lips. The water is pouring down our sides and between our bodies as we stand there kissing. Joel moans as I move my body into his. From gentle slow kisses we’ve gone now into sloppy, wet, intense kisses.
He slides his hips into mine and I moan, bucking back into his body. I push him against the tiled wall as I suck on his tongue. I rub my hands up and down his slick chest, thumbing over his nipples. He moans again and slides his hands down to my hips, holding them as he moves against me. I slide my hands down once again and grab the back of his leg. I pull it up over the side of my hip and continue to push against his excited body.
He moans into my mouth as I move my hand ever so close to his opening. My finger grazes over it and his leg tightens around me. I tease inside of him as I continue to fiercely kiss him, our tongues battling and hips grinding together.
He gasps, “Gimme more.” And moves hard against me.
I smile and kiss him again, pushing my fingers a little bit deeper, still teasing. He groans in desperation and I pull my lips away from his, him panting in my ear as I lick his ear. I whisper, “Are you mine Joel?”
His hands grope up my back then back down to the small of my back, “God yes,” he whispers back.
I tease him again and ask, “Am I yours?” I feel him nod against my cheek and just as he opens his mouth to answer, I push my fingers hard into him. He moans a loud ‘yes!’ and his hands squeeze my ass, pulling my hips even harder and closer into his.
I grip my hands around his hips and lift him up pressing him against the wall. His wet back sliding up the tiled wall. He watches my arm muscles flex under the exertion of my thin body holding onto him and trying to maneuver my cock into him.
I push into him and he curls his legs around me. “Oh fuck!” he moans and throws his head back against the wall.
I push him hard against the wall, deep inside him. He squirms in my grasp, his ankles locked behind my back and his fingers gripping my biceps. His muscles are gripped around my cock, if I move I’ll come so I have to wait. I lick his ear again and feel him relax.
I slide my hands down to his thighs as I move my tongue in and out of his ear. I pull back and slam into him, his voice cracking in a high-pitched vocalization. As I pound into him his body slides up and down against the tile. I bite his ear and push harder into him.
“Holy fucking hell,” he swears. I smile, he’s got the mouth of a sailor. I kiss him hard, silencing his yells. Oh we’re going to hear about this from the other guys. We hungrily kiss and I bite his lower lip. I push him into the wall with my hips and slide my hands up to his hair. He begins to slide down the wall and my teeth sink into the flesh of his plump lips, my hands twined in his hair.
He moans and his grip tightens around me. I pull him back up and slam into him against the wall. He moans loud enough for all of New York to hear and our bandmates in the next room, but at this point I just join in the moanin.
With every thrust he gets slid up and down the wall again. His breathing is staggered with moans and cries of pleasure, with an occasional ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’ and my favorite ‘god yes, Billy’. The steam is making us even hotter, the air thicker, our bodies slicker.
I look up at him. His eyes are squeezed shut and his mouth is eliciting words from every corner of his vocabulary. Such a screamer. His stomach is twitching and his fingers are digging into the grout of the tiles at his sides.
I reach down and grab his cock, pumping a few times before his eyes fly open. He grips onto my shoulders and opens himself up to me as much as he can. I thrust into him hard and deep and pump his cock as he kisses me one last time.
His legs cinch around my hips and he clings to me as I push into his contracting body. His moans are echoing and it reminds me of when he’s warming up in the studio. He comes and as I feel and see him unrestricted in front of me, I know that he will always care for me even if he can’t show it in public. I come so hard as I hold up his spent body.
When I finally come down off that natural sex drug, I’m the one in his arms. He’s holding me up.
I kiss him and taste the copperish tang of his blood. We wash off and get his lip to stop bleeding but it’s red and swollen- more or less from all the kissing and the bite that I gave him.
We walk back into the middle area and find two friends stifling to keep in their laughter, the third looking a little shocked. Benji takes one look at Joel’s swollen lip and breaks his façade, “What the hell did you two do, give birth?”
“My god, you two are the loudest people I have ever heard. I’ve seen porn that wasn’t that loud!” Paul exclaims holding his hands over his ears for emphasis.
We blush and I smile, “Yeah, I'm never going to be able to hear him sing and not think sexual thoughts.”
The others cringe and continue on about how incredibly horrible that was for them to hear. “….and what the hell happened to his lip and back?” Chris finally speaks up.
Joel pouts, well I think he pouts but I can’t tell cuz he’s holding a can of soda against his puffy lip, and I smile, “Grout and I accidentally bit him.”
We continue to hear about that for the rest of the night, but I just smile because if Joel doesn’t be affectionate in public then there’s a lot more where all that came from. And now I'm not complaining cuz that was one of the greatest sexcapade I’ve ever experienced.
=-=
the end.
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