3/9/04
Well friends are funny. Jodi used to be my best friend and this year we drifted far apart, but somehow I still feel close to her. A lot of times we don?t see eye to eye on a lot of things, mostly superficial things like how she stereotypes people on the way they dress but she?s getting a lot less stubborn on that and I can deal with it, she?s still very naive to the world and I was a lot like her once too. Well even though we don?t talk much any more unless it?s about something kind of stupid, when I found out that her grandmother had passed away today I couldn?t help but feel drawn to her as a friend again. I called her after school to see how she was and how she felt. She seemed ok, but she also seemed like she was trying to mask her emotions, I know this has taken a great toll on her and her family and I know she?s a really caring person deep down so I can?t help but feel like she?s not expressing her true self to me. That?s ok though maybe she doesn?t feel close enough to me anymore to express emotion around me or maybe she isn?t ready to talk about it, but I still feel happy I called her and hopefully it helped to show her that there are still people around that do care. I know when my grandmother died I couldn?t face the truth for years; she died when I was in 3rd grade and I didn?t come to terms with it until about 7th grade when I wrote a memoir about it and I also wrote a short story that was masked with me letting her go in the story. Death is a very stressful thing for anyone to experience even if they didn?t know the person that well so when someone close to you dies it is a horrible thing, although all I can offer her is my support and advice, she has to do the rest. I am trying to let people deal with their own problems and me just guide them and give them advice on what they should do. I used to care too much I guess you could say and I used to try and take on other people?s problems and would always fail at solving them, but now I can say it?s their problem and I am trying to remind myself they have to solve them and deal with them themselves, and no matter how much I want to help someone I can?t help them unless they want to be helped. So I?ve decided to lay back and let life happen as it will and try and make the best of whatever situations come my way.
Also today is my friend Gins? birthday, happy birthday! Well now that that?s over I am pissed at him. I was talking to him the other day and we got in a fight. We get in a fight almost every single day but this day was much different. He said that all the fights we?ve had are because of me and that I am a horrible friend. He also said that I sue my problems and family for attention and I think because of them I am special and I?m not. He said I flaunt them around because I think the world owes me something and that I want people to pity me. Well everyone I?ve talked to says this isn?t the case, and I don?t think it is either. With the exception of this, I try to only open up to people with my feelings on things that are close to me because I don?t want them to throw them back in my face, kind of like he did. He really hurt me and I told him I wasn?t going to be his friend anymore. What he said is something unforgettable, I may someday forgive him for my sake, not his, but I will never forget what he said to me and how it made me feel. I am going over his house this Saturday to figure things out. Unfortunately I do miss him, but I have to do what?s good for me for once! I am going to have to think long and hard about how much our friendship means to me and how much I mean to myself and decide what I am going to do. People have said some pretty mean things to me in my life but I think that that was one of the most meaningful and painful things anyone has ever done. It is probably mostly because he was a close friend of mine. He makes me so MAD! Sometimes I think he?s more pain than he?s worth, and then when I think about it, if he?s worth something to me, then he?s worth my pain and suffering to keep him worth something to me, but it makes me wonder if he would go through all the things I went through in my life and then I said those things to him, if he would want to still be my friend. A lot of times people don?t put themselves in the other person?s shoes and it makes me upset because to truly understand someone and why they are the way they are then you have to almost become them and think the way they do. I?ve tried for many night to understand where he was coming from with what he said, but I can?t come to a solution of why. It pains me a lot to because I don?t like to tell people about my problems because I feel like I?m complaining too, and that night he made me feel like I was right with that. I don?t know ill have to do some self evaluations and friend evaluation and inform you on what my answer is.
~Ali
p.s. I normally wouldn?t broadcast my life online, but I do it for other people to help them with whatever they?re going thro, incase they can relate to anything I say in here, but it?s still hard.