2/25/04 Well it?s been a while since I wrote in here, but today I figured was a good day to summarize everything that has happened. It?s been really hard lately at home. My whole family sort of takes their problems out on me because they are used to me taking them on and me having the responsibility for them, but I?m getting tired of it. I need some time off, to work on me and catch up on how I feel. It seems funny to say that, catch up on how I feel, but I need to. Right now I am figuring out who I am and what I want to do with that. It?s a hard thing, finding out who you are, because you might not always like it, but there?s always the possibility of change, which I try and remind myself of everyday. My aunt and I don?t always see eye to eye on things, well lately it seems like never, but I know deep down she needs me so I stay around. Honestly sometimes I wonder that if all the people who cared about me didn?t care anymore, or disappeared to never existed, if I would still be here. I am not sure sometimes of my purpose in life, but I have been faced with many challenges and been given many chances to die or give up, but I am still here, so there must be some plan for me. Right now my life is full of ups and downs and I?m not quite ready for all of them and definitely not sure how to handle all of them, but I?m trying my best, and my best is all I have to offer. The world is a funny thing, there is really no such thing as a perfect day. For the past 2 weeks or so I haven?t been having that good of days, which has put me in kind of a depressed mood. I don?t like feeling this way, but today I thought this would all have stopped. Well today was a great day, at school anyway, I really thought that it would end my depressed streak, but then I came home. My aunt and I got into a fight, which I try and avoid at all cost, especially by staying out of her way, because most of the time that?s all I feel like I am in this world, in someone?s way. Well I talked about it to people, and my friend, Gins, told my boyfriend, Dan, about what had happened with my aunt, I?ll fill you in on Dan in a little while. I?m not sure if it was his idea to call, or if Gins initially forced him to, but he called me up when he found out I was upset. This meant a lot to me, at a time like this, it was a very good thing to be reminded of the ones who care for me. I told him about what was going on and how I?ve been feeling for the past while and he listened pretty well, I could tell he spaced out a little, or maybe just didn?t know what to say to me, but it made me feel good that he cared enough to call. It?s funny how things are, a simple phone call can turn a good day gone bad, back into a good one. Sometime I think that whether I have a good day or a bad day isn?t really up to what happens, but it?s up to me. I mean if you don?t let things bother you, or you think about them long enough, you can change how you feel about a bad situation and not let it bother you. From now on I am going to try and be more optimistic and not let other people bother me as much as I let them do now. As for Dan, I told you I would tell you about him. I haven?t told you much about him yet, nor any of my friends so I figure I?ll fill you in for future reference. Well Dan is my boyfriend, and just last Saturday, I told him I love him. It?s more like I?m in love with him at this point. I was extremely nervous. I was nervous about his reaction, because of course I wanted him to say it back, but I wasn?t sure if he would, or if he did, I would be ready for it. I was more scared of telling him though. Love isn?t about the reaction of the person you tell it to, it?s about telling them how you feel. I told him about my worries, and how I felt, and when I get really exited or afraid or happy, basically anything that is emotional, but to an extreme, I can?t breathe. I?m told it?s a side effect of being born addicted to drugs. Well I couldn?t breathe toward the end of telling him everything so I said I was going to get water, so I could get away and calm down, and hopefully breathe again, it worked. Although when I came back, he thought I was still gone, since I told him online, because I couldn?t wait any longer to tell him, so it took him a while before he responded. I got his friend to tell him to reply to me, and he finally did. I?m so happy, he loves me too!!! This immediately made my day much better, since I was stressing myself out all day about it. Well more like all week. See I figure out that I love people in an instant, even if I?ve loved them before, I don?t really realize it until one moment when it just clicks. On Monday we went to the movies with Leah, my best friend, and her boyfriend, Mike, Dan?s best friend, I know, how cute? Well anyway on the way home, me and Dan were sitting in the back, and he fell asleep in my arms, well more like on my shoulder, and I?m not sure if he actually got to sleep, but it?s close enough. It was at that moment that I wanted to say ?I love you? to him, but I just thought it instead, I finally realized that I loved him, but this kind of freaked me out, because I didn?t want anything to happen to him or us, considering it seems like everyone I love I lose. I am living in today though, well trying to, and as of today I love him, and he loves me, and that?s good enough. We haven?t had that many chances to say it, but that?s okay. Love is a weird thing, it?s more like all emotions put into one, sadness, happiness, nervousness, fear, laughter, hope, worry, but when it?s all warped together at the same time, even when it feels horrible at times, it still is the best feeling in the world. Many people say that I am too young to be in love, and that it?s dangerous that I am. Well I think I?m old enough to make my own choices, and as Leah say?s, if I?m too young to love, then what about my family? It?s true though, we are taught to love our family, and we do, and understand it, or to love our friends, or pets, or ourselves even, and we are never too young, so why is this different? All I know is I?m in love with love and I never want to get over it, even if it pains me for the rest of my life, it?s better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all. ~Ali~