7/6/04 | |
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3:02 p.m.
That was a really bad day. That was me at my emotional worst. I think maybe i just needed some sun. All the same, everyone is entitled to an entry that's just absurdly depressing every now and then. Sorry. 2:08 a.m. Bad. I feel like such a shell of an actual human being. There's nothing to me. I do all these things that have wieght and meaning, but i myself don't have any substance. When you stop to think about it, it's an amazing thing that people can force themselves to continue doing things of worth when they have no worth to their character or person. Out of sheer will power and lies to oneself, one can motivate oneslef to do anything that meeds to be done in preparation perhaps for sometime soon becoming a real person again.I've continued on for months and only felt a brief few sparks of actual being. I don't usually let myself fall into a depression, i just know that they don't get me anywhere. Instead i experience these small, depression-like things that are still mixed in with a lot of practicality and reluctance to let my emotions get the best of me. I'm generally not a very emotional guy, i see other people who are, and it doesn't work out for them, so why would it work for me? But maybe i'm missing something. Maybe there really is something that happens to you when you just let yourself go. When you stop trying to grab onto the walls of the bottomless pit and just... fall. What's causing all this? Well, nobody's ever really sure what one thing causes them. In most cases it's a compilation of stuff. I think it's something i'm denying myself. It's like i'm hungry and i'm witholding food from myself. I want companionship, but i won't take it. I want exclusiveness, but i won't look for it. I want something i'm no longer sure i even ever had. I want to hate. I want to love. I want to just be full, not feel full, but be full. And what will do that? God? no, i don't think so. A special friend? no, probably not. Self-improvement? no, i've found that to be the biggest dead end of all. It's been a good summer. I think i'll go hit rock bottom. And maybe there's a reason not to try to stop myself. |
7/5/04 | |
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Last Friday i was sitting at home and i really didn't want to be alone and i wanted to have fun. So i went to see Genie. There was a little girl at the pool i met her at, and that little girl sang about how i was Genie's "boyfriend" and i laughed cause i thought that little girl sang the song a little too well. She seemed to know the "boyfriend" song mellody to the expert point where only consistancy and repetativeness could've shaped her skill.
I later played chess with Genie and talked with her a bit. I thought about letting her win, but decided against it. That way she'll feel better about actually having beaten me someday. She's really got a lot more to her than you would think from an objective view. Genie seems to me to be the kind of person who is eager to keep people happy and sometimes makes herself a sacrifice for that goal. I like getting closer to knowing who she really is. I like that she was willing to talk to me like she was actually comfortable with me. She acted more relaxed and at ease around me than many of my friends i've known much longer. After a while her mom and sister started talking with us and we started to trail into a long dicussion about our really screwed up school experiences. It was just packed full of laughs for the rest of the night. After a couple hours i realized the night had dissapeared so i made my exit. It was great company on the night i most needed it, the 2nd. I'm very proud of myself, and i'm very appreciative of Genie. Could be the start of a good friendship. |
7/2/04 | |
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Current mood:
| I'm going out. |
6/25/04 | |
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Current mood:
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It's actually been a big week and i've been more busy than i would've planned on.
Last Sat. i went to the Ice Queen's pool in the evening. Lee's an interesting girl, i would know. She was accompanied by Connor's (our long-lost IBer) brother, who tragically wasn't near as witty as Connor himself. Also there was this red-headed kid, he didn't do much besides play basketball with his head. I concluded that i should probably help Jan keep an eye on the Ice Queen, she's crafty in ways few women can comprehend, and that's to her credit in most cases, but man... poor Jan. It's hard to tell who's a step ahead of who in that relationship. It's a tragedy that i haven't gotten to hang out with Lee more on this DK-less week, but as i said earlier, it's been busier than i could've guessed. In fact, i didn't get to hang out with almost anybody for the majority of the week, but i'll get to that later.
Monday was the worst day of work i think i've ever had. All of my co-workers basically sat back and took a 2 hour smoke break while i took care of all the customers and restocked and basically kept moving til the point i wanted to sit down under the sub assembly line and just cry for a while. To make things go faster i started asking for every customers' name when they started their order. Some people liked it, other people refused to even tell me and got a little ticked off, but overall i think people like it when you try to be a little more personal with them. The tip jar backed up my theory, as we (we being i) got 4 bucks more than usual. You think about it for a while and tell me if you think it's funny or freaky for some Subway worker to be making a sandwich and saying things like "OK Sally, do you want and mustard or mayo on your sub?" *DING!* "Oh, hold on, Frank's meatball sub is finished nuking, i'll be right back with you Sally!". Or do you think it better that they stick to refering to every single person as you, him, her, she, that guy, the fat girl at the end of the line? oh shut up....
Tuesday i woke up and ran some errands for my mom. This included going to shoe carnival to return some shoes. While on that part of the trip i was reminded that i haven't gotten a new pair of shoes in over 8 months, and i wondered to myself throughout the course of the day if i would benefit from new footwear. Next i went to the bank to do some paperwork for an ATM card. I've always been fine with just investing a sum of money and keeping some for spending, but this might change how i manage funds.
After applying for my ATM card, i went to Home Despot to pick up some of the very last things i needed for this project i've been working on for the past two weeks or so. The project was, of course, my birthday gift to Sweets. Imagine if you will, a palm tree that grows diet coke as appose to coconuts or something. Well, take that idea and run with it, and you get what i was making:
Most of the rest of the day was spent putting the finishing touches on it. This included going to Kay's house to make use of her dad's electric saw, which i didn't have access to at home. In fact, except for that saw at Kay's house, all my tools were manual tools.
Wednesday was Sweet's Birthday! After enduring some very pissed off mom (little incident involving the smell of spray paint) i headed off to meet her, Special K, and
After bowling we went to the arcade and got frustrated with the card money that doesn't actually work. We decided if any of us were to do drugs, it would be for the sole purpose of going on a truck tour on Jurassic Park Island (or the video game simulation). We pretended to play the game even though we found out later that it was out of order.... Kay apparently thought we were playing the whole time.... Special K...
Then we went back to Kay's and played some game that basically gives you two bad scenarios and you have to pick which one you'd rather do. It was...interesting.
After that i went home and got Kay to follow me because i needed her help to move Sweets' present. on the ride over to Sweets' house i was pretty sure Kay had lost her marbles. Some people are just crazy and you'd never know it.
Sweets didn't really like her present, she said "it was the thought that counts" and i guess that's kinda what it was left at. I got one or two pictures of her actual reaction, but those aren't for sharing *smile*.
Zen Daddy is awesome.
As for me, i'm still not sure if the tree was received how i wanted it to be, but i'm generally satisfied with the outcome. At very least i felt accomplished after finishing it. I love giving gifts.
I don't remember anything that happened on Thursday. It's very hazy, i remember not being too happy, but i can't remember why. It probably wasn't important.
Later, i was almost home when i got a call from Josh to go to band practice, so i stopped at home, grabbed my mic equipment and headed off to jam. I was dead tired, but managed to have a good time loosing what was left of my voice. I think that was also kinda therapeutic. After practice i went home and reflected for a while and played a little guitar that i haven't had need for in a long time. I miss having a reason to sound beautiful, a drive to learn something new. I hate having these songs finished in my mind and some of them actually materialized but not wanting anybody to hear them anymore. I crashed early that day.
Today was a work day. I supposedly made a dent in my summer reading and mowed some lawns and generally accomplished things. I don't know how true any of that is, all i do know is that i miss my sisters. A LOT.
Natalie has been gone for about a month in WI, and i guess i didn't realize how closely i connect with her sometimes. I have a few friends who are there when i need them, but my sister is simply always there (whether she wants to be or not). She, probably more than anybody else, reminds me that i'm lovely, i'm perfect, and somebody loves me. Thank God for women who love you besides your mom. They are so comforting, and so few and far between.
It rained today and i felt rested for the first time in a long time. Everybody left the house so i took the rare opportunity to walk around wearing a towel and some ninja face coverings. I felt pretty bad ass, cause i am.
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6/21/04 | |||||||
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Interesting outcome. I would've guessed a sugared rim, but no, they gotta make me all salty...
And they don't make a quick microwavable me either.... |
6/5/04 | |
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Current mood:
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Greetings all you fuckers! Nega-Al here. I'm sure Al has created alter-egos to express what he couldn't get away with saying before, but unlike those temporal punks, i plan to stay.
Here's the low-down: I'm a bit more straight-forward and less tactful than Al, so you can usually get to the meat of things more, but he'll try to tell you i have a tendency to lie. That fucker doesn't know what the hell he's talking about, i give all the facts, Jack. I tell the truths he doesn't have the guts to say. You'll be lucky to catch me in public though, as i usually only gain control when it's late and Al gets ticked off or sad enough. Stupid emotional bitch...
Alright, now that i'm done with intros, here's a little update on what Al's been really thinking (take it from me, i'd know):
On that note we move on to examine Al's report card that came back just yesterday. He hasn't seen it. His parents tell him they're disappointed in him *smile* and they refuse to show it to him as a form of cruel torture. I think they did this before in 8th grade too. To me, that sounds like a couple failed classes, maybe a few Cs and a B if he's lucky (the B being in one of his electives of course, maybe that Chorus class where you need a brain the size of Spiegel's left nut to pass). I'm guessing if he hasn't been booted from the IB program yet, he will be after this. Then again i could be completely underestimating him, i haven't seen the report card yet....
I noticed Al started a small work-out plan. Why did i notice this? Cause he makes ME do most of the running. Asshole.....
Al took the SATs this morning, and in fact, he was too tired to do it himself, so he let me take over at one point! I think i did all of sections 4 and 5 and totally rOxOred it. I don't know how he did on his part, but i would assume he did alright at least. He's a bright kid, just not as ambitious as me.
Here's a little tidbit of odd behavior that i'm sure Al would never share with you guys:
speaking of Al, he's starting to push me outta the way, i guess this is me signing off! I'll see you again soon fuckers!
Hey guys, Al here, please, pay no attention to Nega-Al. Most of what he says are lies anyways and he's all and all way too crude for you to pay any attention to him. Let me clear up some of the stuff he told you: Robin Hood is in fact, not a pain in the ass. In fact, i've enjoyed my part in the play. Guy of Guisbourne continues to become a deeper and then shallower character every time i go to practice. It almost seems like our director isn't sure where he wants me to take it, and since he's the kinda director you just let mold your character completely with; i'm getting a little sick of the inconsistencies. Ah well, it's his play. That whole it on our Maid Marian....... I'm not gunna comment on.... OK, Nega-Al completely over-exaggerated my report card status. The last time my parents told me they were disappointed in my performance was in 8th grade, and it turned out it was all A's with one C. That puts things in a little better perspective for you. Though i have no doubt i have my share of Bs coming my way and a possible C in French. Overall i probably won't see a GPA of less than 3.5 this semester. I have indeed started to keep in shape, but it's not the strenuous activity Nega-Al would have you believe. True, i let him do most of the running, but he's just better at that. He has a stronger will than i do, i have to admit, so it makes him more goal-driven. I still do the hard parts though. Yeah, i took the SATs today, and i don't know what Nega-Al's talking about, i did the whole test by myself. What he said there was just a bold-faced lie. I'm sure it's probably cheating to have alter-egos help you with the testing anyways, and you all know me better than to think i'd cheat a major test like the SATs. Either way, i think i did alright and i've got a shot at some really impressive scores.
All that stuff about full moon nights. Come on, who doesn't like to look at a full moon for a while? They're beautiful, don't let anything Nega-Al tells you make you think i'm somehow strange for that. I just think they're pretty, that's the full extent of it
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Sorry 'bout that guys, he just gets on my nerves sometimes. Now that i'm done clearing up some of the misconceptions Nega-Al put out there for you, i'll talk about the rest of my day:
Later that day i went to a pick-up soccer game that started at Sharron Springs and moved to South Middle. The teams were a little unbalanced, but not to the point where you couldn't have fun with it either way. Tyler, Jeff, David, Daniel, and Becky made up one team while P Jizzle (i started just calling him "P"), me, Phaffy, Lee M., Ken, and Aisha made up the other team. To their credit, our defense (Ken and Aisha) actually made some good plays (didn't quite measure up to all the times they just watched David dribble by, but still, good plays) and Ken made the most powerful boot i've seen in months........right into Phaffy's right boob.
I made a detour on my way home cause i was dying of thirst. I went into Zaxby's and my old friend Trav was able to hook me up with some water free of charge without the management giving him too much trouble (oh man....i coulda gotten him fired...). Sweets and Kay were both working too. They're friendly faces, but i had to get home shortly thereafter so i left. Another thanks to Trav for the H2O hook-up.
Our neighborhood pool is open now, and it makes for a good place to hang out during the day. They've started to make everybody flash their swanky new Polo Fields member card every time we enter the pool, but they don't really look at it, and truth is, it's easy as cake to make a fake ID. Any of you people, just ask me, i'll change your last name to Enger and you'll be set with a laminated membership card in less than an hour.
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6/3/04 | |
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Current mood:
| No big deal, but worth remembering. |
5/26/04 | |
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Current mood:
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*breaths in* Ahhhh...... fresh start!
Life:
Here i am. |