thank you for leaving me so far away.
leaving me with this one sided love affair
of which you're the only part of
you gave up on me
and i stopped thinking of you.
you can sway me so easily though
that's why i'm keeping my distance
and im keeping my sanity
please keep this, beautiful
because this is all you have now.
you embody my picture of imperfection...and a deep loathing towards the world that will never go away.
you can creep up to my door,
or lie under my window
but im sleeping tonight.
im not dreaming of you.
so please leave me, please leave my room
and my thoughts and my heart.
please leave me so that im not the one to say goodbye.
it sounds more promising when you say it.





if i crash on my way home, just let me die.
i know you've been wanting to say goodbye.
this glass and glorified pavement can be more accepting then us being just friends.
your words are overused and these months are crumbling.
your heart is breaking and my match is on your letters.
this is sweet, this is innocent, you say...
making eye contact and just walking away.
i just want to see what would happen with this knife...watchit fall to the ground. couldn't be much better then watching it being put to use.
and this time, its beauty is just as dangerous as those words dripping from your mouth and the trigger on my shotgun eyes.






And do you remember all those times we spent together? Do you ever wonder what would have happened? I'm sorry now, I never would have realized it then, but you are the one who I want to help me write this story that will never end. Your smile still brings shivers to my spine, while I try and cover my tears. I'm suprised they havent run out yet. You are more beautiful then I ever noticed, I'm sorry I never really gave you the time of day. I promised so much when I said I loved you, but I should have thought about what it meant when I said that. I do now. I should have let you know... Do you remember driving down the road that now bears your name? That road has a lot to live up to. I'll never forget everything you gave to me, you might have taken it back but the memory means more to me then living today. I still remember that touch of your hand and the cliche words we used to express our feelings. I can still feel the wind blowing through my hair when we drove down highway 9, racing the clock to get home on time and you'd lean over and kiss me...our 7 months were too short. I wish I had grown up sooner, because now looking back I can hear all the immature thoughts that went through my head and the doors slamming on my emotions and my heart. You are so far away but these memories bring you closer. I'm still a wreck after that day. The day you thought I stopped caring. I wish I could have explained to you how little everyone means to me in comparison. It's late tonight and I can't sleep. I reread your letters and your smile in those pictures. So this is just me keeping my memory of you in check. These are all the things I'll never tell you. And this is my way of saying I still love you.

(Charles)
Don't be so conceited as to think it's all about you, because it's not.

why did i give in to something as desperate as your eyes? i wish i could regret you. i guess you are that one itch that only time can scratch, but right now it's not getting any better. i told you that i was over you. i am a hypocrite and i did lie. now im the one amazed at how you can draw me back, merely with words and the satisfaction of knowing you were mine...if only in my mind. you'll never be in my reach. how cliche, but you are so close, yet so far away. and all those thoughts came back just today. you never crossed my mind, until now. i honestly dont think i want your love, but rather your attention, your affection. im too dependent though, im glad there's a concrete wall between me and my chance at a hello. so this time im going to say goodbye.

until the next time i talk to you...my guilty pleasure perfectly describes.

You guys are an ass.
I got back from D.C. last week. It was very nifty and cold. Yay.




More writings (in which I write of multiple people, memories, dreams and relationships)...wooo....


sleep has exumed all fear and rational from this petty state of mind. a tear falls and stains the darkest blue bedsheets. an hour on a highway and too many missed signs, it couldn't get any better then this. spread happiness on a casket that's weighed down by enough emotion, and tell me what is so sad about this day. can you count high enough to reach the stars? because tonight, thats where i need to be. thats where he said he'd meet me. even out your smile and take me to a place so horrifying, it's beautiful, a place so mezmorizing (i think i spelled that wrong!), it's too good to be true. what did i do to deserve such graditude? i can tell by your voice, you love me. you love me like september rain, that knows no other name and is a sign of better things to come. those words still ring in my ears, dripping with sin and begging to be let into my actions. im too good for this sedative and im too perfect for a lie...and if tears form at the end of this, know its only out of admiration of glass and its relation to you. know its only out of purity, know it only comes from freshly fallen snow, covering something so gruesome in the pictures of my memory. what happened to those blue eyes, darling? they came back so much darker. and im reminded of all the stupid things you said and the beauty that reflected from those shattered eyes...shattered lies, shattered glass, shattered lives. that funeral was only a fake farewell, but this wedding sounds too much like the end, doesn't it?



too bad you had to be my favorite last memory.
as we fall further and faster.
soaring, spinning, wishing for tomorrow.
these two wings have been ripped off.
like childhood innocence, we cling to each other.
for the first time, we pray together.
and ask Him to give us what we were never granted.
life full of blessings, honesty...and love.
this hour is so beautiful, bright and real.
this is our time to be on trial
and plead to a witness to save us from this hell.

ok.
if i shot myself in the head, would you call me pretty? could i be beautiful with a bullet through my brain? does this shade of blood match my eyes? does this act of kindness end our ties? bitter sweet beauty and selfish reflecting images make me feel so hollow. this song cant change the mirror and that one skipped meal cant change my figure. so ill just give up. ive tried so hard, but i cant take any more nails to the wrists staking me to the cross of perfection. im a slave to your perfection.i cant bear this title any more. are these scars the right size? do these tears accentuate my eyes? and can this jealousy change your mind? can my envy make you feel sorry enough to just stop talking? lovely images of those goregous enough to surround you flutter in my dreams. i want to be them. notice the lack of like in that line. i need to be them. and i will look so seductive in blood and bullet dust, my darling.

The Cake Scene.
Concert on Friday....very nice. I know Maggie had fun! With Nick and thoughts of Seth and all...haha. Anyways, that person that called me at 1:00 am, I found out who that was! Danielle said she thought it was Michael, but she was wrong! I could tell by the voice on the answering machine that it was someone else, someone from my deep past...haha. Danielle and I met this someone downtown and they looked so different. Like whoa. I barely recognized them. Yeah...
I'm excited for CYC, which is this upcoming weekend and the Kutlass (or however it's spelled) concert. Our basketball team is going to kick in the tournament. Yay. Then we also get to go shopping in Spokane. For Cds and such. I really need Cds for the airplane trip to DC. That's going to be super rad. Kaelen and I are going hunting there. I also need to go shopping for that....hmmmmm. Blah. I'm tired and need to do my AP European History reading ass., I'm going now.

She liked Black Caddies, Listened to Puff Daddy...
More "writings" of depressed, messed up relationships... Oh! My favorite!



Please take this as a thank you for everything you've done and for being so true. You were the only one...it's over and I'm through, with every sickening feeling and the ones of you. All I feel is the stale air in this room, and all I see is your heart sinking over the horizon. So, don't mind me as I stand absent mindedly in your driveway...I'm sorry I told you that you'd have to pay. I didn't mean to shatter your window or your heart. Just make sure you read this note I left on your door. And just forget the times you told me I was amazing. Please forget it all...I don't want you to remember my name. I signed all of those letters "Your Past" and that's all I am. Please keep me that way and I'll make sure not to curse your name under my breath, everytime I see you in the clouds. I meant nothing I said..I wish the times I told you I was sorry, you'd left me. why did you forgive me? I'm burning your pictures on this summer day, because fire is the only thing I can rely on and you're not worth being seen in my room. All I'm worthy of is these ashes. So once again, I'm sorry. I could rhyme overused words for pages to come and for another poem of you, but it'll never get through. I'll just tell you now, I never meant to fall in love.




you were my only one. there was honestly no one, I can't replace you. I thought I'd lost you once, but now I know for sure. this feels like distance. and I want to shoot myself into a trance of memories of you. I want to lose myself in your letters. I want to drown in these tears and dry yours. if only this (this is nothing...) could win you back. I'd bleed myself until you talked me back to sense. that's all I want.is for you to talk to me like you used to. I didn't mean to put up that concrete wall between us. I guess I didn't mean a lot of things, but what I did mean is every time I said I love you. every time I shared my feelings with you...the ones I could understand. I miss you. I want to tear to shreds every time I saw you because memories are more painful then never meeting you. but I want to live always in those moments, days repeating and replaying until I die.

I like Maggie's fun trumpet/heavy metal music.
Today was fun. I went shopping with my mother at Wal-mart, I got a really nice swimsuit and bought other random things. Then I went to church and then over to Kevin's for Kevin, Gerard and Casey's suprise birthday party. While there, I ate a hamburger and extremly tasty cake and ice cream and also watched the boys knock the blood out of each other's noses during a few boxing matches. Emma and I boxed each other. We tied. At about 8:15, Maggie, Jessica, Casey, Kyle and I went to the Underground to watch On The Contrary. They are a very neat band. We all then came back to Kevin's. I felt bad though, because we just left their party for a few hours and came back. On the way there though, we almost hit a dog, had to swerve, almost flipped the car and ran over a curb that popped the front tire. We had to put the spare on. After all this, Kyle took me home and now I am going to bed. Good night!

This is Christie, checking in from Death.
I was looking through my beat up old cigar box full of random pictures, notes, old gum, signatures and memories, when I came across a picture of him... I honestly wanted to start crying, but the past few weeks have been so emotional, I couldn't. I remember after he completly broke my heart and altered my feelings towards boys (not totally...I still date them...), I wanted to take a knife to his throat and a match to his bedroom. I actually contemplated that. I can't believe that I thought I fell in love with him. All the things he confessed after he used me and left me for a girl that moved across the states...and never bothered enough to call me. He left me sitting there for 2 weeks, praying he would call. He never did. I actually saw him the other day too. I can tell he's changed. I wish I didn't want him anymore! He finally got those tattoos he had always talked about. He no longer had blonde hair. He had two more piercings. He wasn't as anorexically thin. He was, of course, still tall. I have no idea why I'm saying all of this... but for some reason I miss him. I've been used so much (aww, poor me...)that it wouldn't matter to me, or hurt me anymore, if he did what he did before, again. I wonder what he's been doing the past year. I wonder if he still lives at home. I wonder if he's made anything out of this life yet, or if he still sits around at home... wherever that may be. I wonder if he ever thinks about me. I have a feeling that I'm only remembering how I felt for him...I honestly don't know how I could really ever bring myself to talk to him again. I want him to stay in my past.

Okay, that was a bunch of changing opinions/emotions. And there are very few people that know who "he" is.


Anyways, don't drink and drive. That's a must follow, for me the little sXe kid, and for everyone else, because you have no idea how much you can ruin so many people's lives if you get behind the wheel drunk. And listen to Yellowcard. And A Static Lullaby. And Fall Out Boy. They are very good. And stare at hot boys from Portland...I enjoyed my visit last weekend very much! I like them, you might too...

Good Songs. Listen. They really are something special.

MMMmmm...A Static Lullaby...

Take this for what it's worth
This song, my smile
Now take this for what it's worth
This song, my smile
Smile

I write to you from hell my song, leaving the foot against the gas
And the wall that must have said your name
Weaken me, for nothing you can say can stop this now
Would a noose replace his lips?
(Would a noose replace)

Can a song replace a broken heart?
Now can a song replace broken love?
No
On the beach, I remind myself
That holding hands is so powerless
Tonight, I don't even have the stars
To hold onto




Let me walk on high wire of rusty nails
While barefoot shedding the flesh of our existance

I wanted to break the fall

A star up in the sky
A poem to the dead
Let this mistake
Bring a vivid crystal to her eyes
So drain out my lungs
Before the fluid brings a choke
I can not inhale the sparkle of your voice

AND Fall Out Boy....I'm so jealous.


Light that smoke, that one for giving up on me
And one just cause they’ll kill you sooner than my expectations
To my favorite liar, to my favorite scar:
“I could have died with you”
I hope you choke on those words, that kiss, that bottle- I confess
Now ask yourself, yeah, out on the insides, I said I loved you but I lied

Let’s play this game called “when you catch fire”
I wouldn’t piss to put you out
Stop burning bridges and drive off of them
So I can forget about you

So bury me in memory
His smile’s your rope
So wrap it tight around your throat

On the drive home
Joke about the kid you used to see
And his jealousy
Breaking hearts has never looked so cool
As when you wrap your car around a tree
Your makeup looks great next to his teeth