new layout!....old one is here and the older one is here or click the "site" link at the bottom left of the page. <3, allie
December 9, 2002
i wrote ruthi a poem today..
Love
Fake plastic trees
Shimmer with hairspray
El Milagro Del Tepeyac
She watches over me
Sand seeping through toes
Sea-shells weighing down pockets
Kisses cannot be forgotten
Love is holding hands
I l0ve Ruthi.
December 10th, 2002
i have decided to cover the entire surface of the jeans ruthi gave me with black stars...i wonder how long it will take..i have until july anyway until i see her, so i should be done by then. i am actually going to be social tonight,,,going to the mall with peter and rubin and freddy. i met my school councelor again,,,as if its not enough to meet with my therapist three times a week, now i have to see a councelor each tuesday. damn. i guess its okay, its kind of nice to talk to someone about my shit, even though im still not very comfortable talking to older people that don't know me very well...but on the other hand, its nice to be kind of anonymous about it, thats part of the reason i do this blog shiot on this page,, i like the way that i can talk about anything and everything and not have to worry about peoiples reactions about my thoughts..i kind of think its funny though when my therapist analizes my poetry or just my thoughts....its funny on the count that sometimes he is completly wrong in my thought process, and its funny on another hand that sometimes he is so dead on that it makes me want to cry. how can someone just from listening to me undersatnd me so much better than i understand myself!?!?!? its no fair, really. free for you, cheap for them. flowers are symbold of love becasue they are pretty,, or becuase they have sex organs just like you and i?? ever thought about it? hmm...flowers are a symbol of fertility...maybe you should think twice about being so flattered the next time he gives you flowers, eh?? anyway,,,,i want to bake cookies soon...slice and bake cookies, yum.
summer winds lost in the icy windshild
the tunnel is long, poorly lit, and blinding
shit shit shit shit shit i want to fly away.
December 15th, 2002
gaddamn im tired of normal social behavior. sick of it. i want ruthi to come home. i had a visit to the hospital on thursday night. i dont want to alk about it. not to my parents not to my friends not to my therapist not to my doctor not to a social worker not to my psycologyst not to anyone. i just want to forget it.
i have started to do a guided meditation thing, which includes breathing exersizes, relaxation methods, and color therapy. its hard for me to relax and stop my htoughts, but i think its good for me, and i come out feeling a tiny bit better, which i figure is better than nothing.
i want to change this page...i think im gonna do that right about now.