9|9|02
I got to thinking tonight about a lot of things and they made me mad. Maybe just upset...no, really mostly mad.
I hate the way my guy friends joke with me all the time about me being rampantly sexual. The joke is that I'm very innocent outside, but inside I'm pretty much a nympho...which I am, essentially. I love sex, I love sexual things, and when I'm involved in anything sexual, I'm usually enjoying it.
That doesn't mean, however, that I am a whore, or that I give it to anyone who wants it, or anything:
If a man gets my love and affection, it is because he is worth it in my sight. I don't go to the highest bidder or whoever the hell wants it. I'm not a slut, a whore, a sex toy, a bitch--nothing.
I'm a human being with wants, desires, and--surprise--needs. And this terrifies every guy that jokes with me about it, and it's interesting because, incidentally, none of the guys that I joke with have gotten their hands on a remotely large piece of my ass. One, a little...the other, none.
I know that both of these guys respect me in some manner, but at the same time they enjoy their little fantasies about me as their "call girl", I know it. Maybe in some sick little crevice of their mind I'm the face they give to their hand night after night, but I'm tired of being taken for nothing but that.
One of my favorite monologues I have ever studied was one I pulled from a random book in 9th grade. I felt like I knew exactly what this woman was thinking, was going thru, and when I found it earlier this year, I felt even more like this woman:"I'm just waitin' for that one guy who can see me, hear me...really take a chance. I mean, I see them. I'm listenin' so hard I hear promises when someone's just sayin' hello...God, if anyone could hear what I've got locked up inside of me...I'd be a star."
I hope these guys don't read my ranting tonight and get upset, but the deal is that I have just GOT to say this sometime. And know that I love you as friends, oh so much, but sometimes enough is enough, and tonight was enough.