You know that Everclear song "everything to everyone"? I feel like that today. I try so hard to make everyone like me, and to be, honestly, "everything to everyone" sometimes. I am such a perfectionist that one little mistake sends me careening into chasms of self-loathing. Soon everything I do isn't perfect, and I hate myself even more.

So why can't I break this vicious cycle? I don't know. It's been a part of me for a long time.

Just so you know, I learned to read, or rather, taught myself at the age of three. I can never remember riding in the car with my mom and wondering what "those funny things" on the signs were. It just isn't something I remember. I was reading chapter books when my friends were still struggling through Goodnight, Moon, and I read Little Women and Robinson Crusoe around forth grade. I did well in all the other subjects as well.

I was a valedictorian of my high school graduating class of over 500. I scored 1390 the first time I took the SATs. I placed second in state on solo marimba my junior year. I was voted "Outstanding Senior Musician" by my fellow band members. Guess what that means here?

Jack shit.

So I feel like I have to prove myself here, be the best at everything, "wow" everyone with my skills. And yet, I realize that I just really need to chill. I'm here to learn, not to intimidate the competition or take over the studio. I'm on the lowest rung of the ladder...it would be the same anywhere I went. So I need to accept my position, and while striving to accel, I should also be satisfied with myself for coming this far.