Kurt's suicide note.
To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced
simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee.
This note should be pretty easy to understand. All the warnings from the
punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the,
shall we say, the ethics involved with independence and the embracement
of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement
of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing
for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about these things.
For example when we're backstage and the lights go out and the manic roar
of the crowd begins, it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddy
Mercury, who seem to love, relish in the love and adoration from the crowd,
which is somehting I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool
you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime
I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as
if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in
time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my
power to appreciate it (and I do, God believe me I do, but it's not enough).
I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot
of people. I must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things
when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order
to regain the enthusiasm I once had as a child. On our last 3 tours, I've
had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally
and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the
guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I
think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too
fucking sad. The sad little sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man.
Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know! I have a goddess of a wife who
sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what
I used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because
everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the
point where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances
becoming the miseraable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.
I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven,
I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems
so easy for people to get along and have empathy. Only because I love and
feel sorry for people too much I guess. Thank you all from the pit of my
burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past
years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody, baby! I don't have the passion
anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out then to fade away. Peace,
Love, Empathy. Kurt Cobain.
Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your altar
Please keep going Courtney,
for Frances.
for her life will be so much happier
without me.
I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU