Humor

Angel of pants, guide and guardian...

No more talk of darkness, forgot these wide eyed pants...

You will curse the day you did not do, all that the pants asked of you.

"Would you not rather have your precious little pants?"

"Too many years fighting back pants, why can't the pants just die!"

"Perhaps we can frighten away the pants of so many years ago with a little illumination, gentlemen?"

"These pants... that poison our love..."

I remember, there were pants... swirling pants upon a vast, glassy lake...

Why, you ask, was I bound and chained in these cold and dismal pants?

Seems a beast but secretly dreams of pants...

"Behold! She is singing to bring down our pants!"

"Share each day with me, each night, each pants..."

Hear the pants! Hannibal comes!

Poor pants, they make me laugh, hahahahaha!

Like yellow pantsment is his skin!

Down these pants into darkness deep as hell!

Too long you've wandered in pants...

...What horrors wait for me in this, the Phantom's pants?

Your velvet lining and your pants of lead...

One by one I've watched pants shattered...

In pants, he came.

They say that this youth has set my lady's pants aflame!

This trophy, from our saviors, from the enslaving force of pants!

Hark to our pants on the ground...

..and must leave you with your new pants... though I would happily take the pants with me!

what a way to run a business, spare me these unending pants... Half your pants dissapear...

But we have no pants!

Hide your pants now wounded knight...

"Why so silent good monsieurs? Did you think that I had left you for pants?"

"Sad to return to find the land we love, threatened once more by Rome's far reaching pants. Tomorrow we shall break the chain of pants, to night rejoice, your pants have come home!"

"Lead me, save me from my pants..."

"Let me be your shelter, let me be your pants..."

"You're safe, no one will find you, your pants are far behind you..."

"All I want is freedom, a world with no more pants..."

Your pants at the level of your eyes...

Our Don Juan must wear some proper pants, those are too tight for a man of Piangi's weight...

He'll kill me! His pants will find me there, those pants that burn!

My God, whose are those pants that smell of death?

Past the point of no more pants. The final threshold! The pants are off, so stand and watch them burn! We've passed the point of nooooooo mooooore paaaaaaaants!

"With feasting and dancing and pants, tonight in celebration. We greet the victorious pants, return to sweet salvation."

"Once more to my welcoming arms, my love returns with pants on...One more to the sweetest of charms, my heart and pants surrender!"

"Such rond de pants."

"Little Lotte let her pants wander..."

"Pants have changed, Raoul."

"Insolent pants!"

...Stay by my pants, guide me...

"Those who have seen your pants, draw back in fear. I am the pants you wear...

Your spirit and my pants, in one combined...

Come we must return, those two pants who run my theater will be missing you.

Masquerade, hide your face so the pants will never find you.

Ludicrous have you seen the pants, simply ludicrous!"

This is lunacy, well you know my pants..."

Hear the sire may serve the pants, here the master takes his pants. Hear the sacrificial lamb, utter one dispairing pants. Serve the pants and serve the maid. Serve the master so that when, tables pants and maids are laid, Don Juan triumphs once again!"

When you left you wore my pants, she could not have seen your face. She believes she dines with me in my masters pants!

I shall say some hide with me, where oh were, of course my pants!

"No thoughts within her head but thoughts of joy, no dreams within her heart but dreams of pants.

Go away for the pants are set, and wait for their prey...

Don't throw your life away for my pants!

Joseph Buquet hold your pants!

"He'll always be there, singing songs in my pants, he'll always be there singing songs in my pants."

"We have all been blind, and yet the answer has been staring at us in our pants."

- And these are a variation on the above game...

Auctioneer: Some of you may recall the strange affair of the Knickers of the Opera, a mystery never fully explained. We are told, ladies and gentleman, that these are the very undergarments of the famous disaster. Our seamstresses have repaired them, and patches them up with polyester, so that we may get a hint of what they will look like when fully restitched.

The Phantom : I gave you my boxers, Made your briefs take wing...

From Leroux:

'We shall have to drop a few pants, without making a noise...'

"And then I heard a voice say, 'Mame Jules, remove your pants, please.' Saving your presence, gentlemen, it made me feel all-overish like."

No Raoul, it is not a farce, it is a G-string

Patti LuPone's Autobiography

This was a post on Broadwayworld.com titled "Title Suggestions For A Future Patti LuPone Autobiography," and it was too funny.

"They Either Love Me or Hate Me"

"Shut up Patti LuPone! Shut Your Brassy Magnificent Trap!"

"Bitch on the Tuba"

"The Woman with the Tuba."

"A Diva Gone Wild (with a Tuba)"

"Stand Back, Betty Buckley"

"You Shot Mr. Mistofelees"

"I Get A Kick Out Of Patti"

"Yes, The P Is Capitalized"

"Hot Lips."

"Patti LuPone: My Trials, Tribulations, & Why I Wore That Dress to the 2006 Tonys."

"THAT'S MISS MUSH-MOUTH TO YOU: Do You Understand Me Now?"

"F*ck Off"

"I'm A Diva?"

"So You Think I'm A Bitch?"

"Arthur Laurents and Andrew Lloyd Webber Can't Stop This Bitch"

"I Am Better Than You, and I've Accepted That" by Patti LuPone

"My Grandmother was a Bootlegger" - From Patti herself!

"The Best Pies On Broadway"

"Fly With Me, My Meadowlarks."

"Patti O'Furniture"

"^%@!^&%)!!!!"

"Step Off Or I'll Cut You. The Life And Times of a Broadway Legend"

"Close, but no Patti!"

And finally, not an autobiography, but what about "The Madwoman of Ebay: The Unauthorized Story of Patti LuPone" - By Arthur Laurents

Bob's Doctor

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

I'll tell you a story:

(NOTE: This was submitted by someone else!!!)

Once upon a time a baby was found in the rain forest by wolves. They didn't raise him, they ate him, because they were hungry and they ran out of antilopes.

Good Housekeeping

Gardner goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Gardner," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks boss," says Gardner, "I knew I could count on you!"

Dog's Letters to God

Dear God,

Dear God,

Dear God,

Dear God,

Dear God,

Dear God,

Dear God,

Dear God,

Dear God,

Dear God,

Dear God,

Dear God,

Dear God,

Dummest of the Dumb.

RUNNER-UP #9

RUNNER-UP #8

RUNNER-UP #7

RUNNER-UP #6

RUNNER-UP #5

RUNNER-UP #4

RUNNER-UP #3

RUNNER-UP #2

RUNNER-UP #1

THE WINNER!

Catholic Mothers

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'" The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

AL GORE

GEORGE W. BUSH

SENATOR LIEBERMAN

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY

RALPH NADER

PAT BUCHANAN

BILL CLINTON

GEORGE BUSH

ARISTOTLE

KARL MARX

SADDAM HUSSEIN

BILL GATES

EINSTEIN

DR. SEUSS

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

GRANDPA

FOX MULDER

THE BIBLE

COLONEL SANDERS

Bush and Powell Plan World War III

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?" The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers,

"My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Tiny Letters to God

Tiny souls: God just loves hearing from them!

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD, >You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. >--Dean

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Dear GOD,

Break Time Fun Facts

Now you know everything!!!!

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

So did the first "Marlboro Man."

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Now you know everything there is to know

Metaphors

When asked to write examples of analogies and metaphors, high school students wrote:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, his plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

EVER WONDER...

... why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

... why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

... why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

... why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

. .. why doctors call what they do "practice"?

... why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

... why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

... why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

... who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

... why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

.. why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

... why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

... why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

... why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

... if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

... why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

AND...Here's some further things to think about... Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (No kidding...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well... duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (Is there really a problem where there's a bunch of adults taking this children's medicine?)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to... what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (... was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

You Have Been Warned In 1997, Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch (M-LAW) began a contest to expose how frivolous lawsuits, and a concern about potential frivolous lawsuits, have led to a new cultural phenomenon: the wacky warning label.

You have probably heard about the lawsuit over a spilled cup of coffee. However, there are many other silly lawsuits involving products that have received far less attention. For example, did you know a man received $50,000 when he sued a small company that makes basketball nets because he claimed the company was responsible when he caught his teeth in a net while dunking a ball? People who make products hear about these outrageous lawsuits, and they often decide to slap common sense warnings on their product... “just in case.”

Over the years, M-LAW has received hundreds of warning labels from people around the world. M-LAW verifies the authenticity of each label and selects the “Top 5” for each year.

Following is a list of some of the best labels from the first five contests:

A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions: “This product not intended for use as a dental drill.”

A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to “Remove child before folding”

A prescription of sleeping pills says, “Warning: May cause drowsiness

A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns: “Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.”

A massage chair warns: "DO NOT use massage chair without clothing... and, Never force any body part into the backrest area while the rollers are moving."

A snowblower warns: "Do not use snowthrower on roof.²"

A dishwasher carries this warning: "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher."

A CD player carries this unusual warning: “Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult.”

An “Aim-n-Flame” fireplace lighter cautions, “Do not use near fire, flame or sparks”

A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use “while sleeping or unconscious”

A container of underarm deodorant says, “Caution: Do not spray in eyes”

A cartridge for a laser printer warns, “Do not eat toner”

A household iron warns users: “Never iron clothes while they are being worn”

A label with a hair dryer reads, “Never use hair dryer while sleeping”

A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: “Not intended for highway use”

A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, “Do not drive with sunshield in place”

A Bathroom Heater says: “This product is not to be used in bathrooms”

A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: “May irritate eyes”

A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.”

A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: “Caution - Risk of Fire”

A box of birthday cake candles says: “DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.

You can read other wacky warning labels at http://www.mlaw.org

From : Jacob Dearing Sent : Tuesday, January 9, 2001 10:52 PM 21 THINGS TO DO AT A MOVIE!

1. Wear a top hat.

2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"

3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.

4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.

5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."

6. Start wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some Juiji Fruits for you asthma.

7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"

8. Whenever the badguy is doing something devoius, say, " Watch out!"

9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.

10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls bathroom is flooding.

11. Yell out what is going to happen.

12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.

13. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.

14. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.

15. Say that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friend already is.

17. Gently, very softly, place a single poped kernel of corn on the head of the person in front of you.

19. Stare at the person sitting across the aisle from you, then quickley look back at the screen when they notice, then stare at them again when they turn back to the screen.

20. See if you can get a moistened Jujy Fruit to stick to the screen.

21. Yell to the projectionist, "Can you pause it? I gotta pee!"

A Funny Story I Heard "I download something from Kazaa, and the same guy I downloaded it from starts downloading it from me when I'm done. I message him and say 'What are you doing? I just got that from you,' and he says, 'getting my song back!'"

Jasper and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you, who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child whom you know nothing about and committing to doing your best to be a good parent. Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me. Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I digress.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time. I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.

I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment. I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am. Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams latex paint #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for 5 hours. After 3 hours, Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour.. An hour later the rolls were ready to go in the oven.

It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night. God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night. Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was very stupid on my part.

We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dog out to relieve himself. Well, the darn dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction. He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence. His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk. He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day. My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off. Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it. Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something. Of course, as the old adage goes, "what goes in must come out" and Jasper was no exception. Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house. Having discovered his "packages" on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.

This was another naive decision on our part.. The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure. We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house. I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door.

It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to: "How to clean unbaked dough from the Carpet."

And how was your day?

>~Author Unknown~

HOW TO DRIVE PEOPLE INSANE

- At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

- Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

- Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

- Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

- In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

- Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

- Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

- Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This isespecially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

- Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them where you're going. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

- Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

WOMEN'S BUMPER STICKERS

GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN.

NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY... I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.

DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

REALLY STUPID JOKES

-Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.

-Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.

-Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

HE was stapled to the others.

-Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure

PROBLEM SOLVER

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

THE TASTE TEST

A professor teaching medicine was giving a class on observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

BLACK & WHITE Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,

"Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Warning Labels

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a fertilizer truck at 100 yards.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".

~~~ Some Of The World's Shortest Books ~~~

- "John Major's Book of Fun"

- "Margaret Thatcher's Contributions to Feminism"

- "Current Activities of Saddam Hussain's Political Opponents"

- "Recent British Sporting Triumphs"

- "Ronald Reagan's Memories of His Presidency"

- "Republican Policies For Global Conservation"

- "Leonardo DiCaprio's Guide to Humility"

- "Let the Relatives Grieve in Peace": a voluntary tabloid code of conduct.

- "The Which? Guide to Easily Programmable Video Recorders"

- "Unpredictability" by [insert Chart music act here]

- "The Benefits of Semesterisation in British Universities"

- "Why We Need the Millenium Dome"

- "Why We Need Peter Mandelson"

- "Retirement Plans For 'Star Trek' Security Guards"

- "William Hague's Political Achievements"

- "Argentine Sportsmanship in Soccer"

- "How Shell Benefits the People of Nigeria"

- "The Joy of Sex" by Cliff Richard.

- "Imaginitive Album Titles" by Whitney Houston

- "The Spice Girls' Guide to Subtlety"

- "How Access to E-mail Improves the Productivity of Students and Researchers."

- "My Plan to Find the Real Killers" by OJ Simpson

- "Human Rights Advances in China"

- "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman

- "Al Gore: The Wild Years"

- "Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean"

- "Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors"

- "Detroit - A Travel Guide"

- "Different Ways to Spell "Bob""

- "Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches"

- "Easy UNIX"

- "Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance"

- "French Hospitality"

- "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton

- "George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names"

- "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel

- "Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette"

- "One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes" by the EPA

- "The Amish Phone Directory" And two from "Ickle bright-haired girl"

- "A trendy`s guide to individuality"

- "The best swing songs ever"

Falling Asleep in Church

A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty". The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins..." the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ". The Minister said "that's right, That's Right" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that dang thing in me again I'll break it off".

"Social Workers"

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city one evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and beaten," he pleaded. The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague, "You know, the person who did this really needs help."

"Best Patience"

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

"Only in America"

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance..

2. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front..

3. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke..

4. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..

5. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage..

6. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

7. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..

8. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'..

"Classic written excuses"

The following are some classic written excuses given to teachers in the Alburquerque public school system:

"Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."

"Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."

"Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault."

"Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side."

"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face."

"Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor."

"Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over."

"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him."

"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part."

"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines."

"Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip."

"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels." "

Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night."

"Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating."

"George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach."

"Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout."

"Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."

"Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals."

"Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had Diah (*crossed out*), diahoah (*crossed out*), dyah (*crossed out*), the sh*ts."

"Five Hundred Bucks"

Two couples were playing cards one evening. One of the husbands, Jerry, accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Ray's wife Shaniqua, had her legs spread wide, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jerry, upon trying to sit up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jerry went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Shaniqua followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under the table?"

Surprised by her boldness, Jerry courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jerry indicated that he was indeed interested.

She told him that since her husband, Ray, works Friday afternoons and Jerry doesn't, that Jerry should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolls around, Jerry shows up at Ray's house for sex with Ray's wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $500.00, they go to her bedroom and have fantastic sex, just as Shaniqua had promised. Afterwards, Jerry quickly dresses and leaves.

As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Ray returned home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, "Did Jerry come by with my money?"

With a lump in her throat, Ray's wife answered, "Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Ray curtly asked, "And did he give you $500.00?"

In terror she assumed she'd somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me five hundred dollars."

Ray, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Shaniqua by saying, "Good, I was hoping so. Jerry came by my office this morning and borrowed five hundred dollars from me. He promised me he'd stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

"Payday"

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

"Interesting Email Addresses"

Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an e-mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:

TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses

10. Helen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht @ dku.edu

9. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme @ iup.edu

8. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk @ lvu.edu

7. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker @ pu.edu

6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin @ bsu.edu

5. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - btkisser @ bendover.com

4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock @ tru.com

3. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme @ fu.edu

2. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd @ dropdrawers.com ...but at No 1, it had to be...

1. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj @ myplace.com

"THINGS TO DO AT WALMART"

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

5. Put some M&M's on lay away.

6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'

11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud....."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"

Attorneys Questions

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

"Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

"Did he kill you?"

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were doing at that time?"

Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?"

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they do up also?"

Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?"

Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral."

Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"

Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood."

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the Autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

MESSAGE FROM DOWN BELOW

A man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and laughs. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Cold and unable to unlock door to hotel room. FAULT: Woke up in hotel room, got up to go to bathroom and chose wrong door. ACTION: Knock loudly on door to wake sleeping wife. If this fails, find hotel worker to unlock door for you.

Swairing in thuh Presadunt

Mr. Bush, repeat after me. I do solemnly swear . . .

I do solemonemoney swear . . .

that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States . . .

that I will fatally execute the official President of the United States . . .

and will to the best of my ability . . .

and will to the best of my abli-tilly . . .

preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States . . .

preservect defenestrate the United . . . the Constitual . . . the . . . um . . . of America

So help me God.

So help my dog. Is it over yet?

PREGNANCY Q & A

A letter from a redneck mother to her son...

Dear Child:

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl your sister is going to name it after me; she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

PS - I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

An Ozzfest Skit

Sharon Osbourne: Mike Where is Chester??

Mike: He's gone, I found his lungs and blood all over his trailor, but I don't know where he went.

Sharon: F***, I need my trl band

Mike: HEY!

Sharon: I Guess Crazy Town will have to play a two hour set!!

Mike-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

*scream goes to the 2nd stage*

GURRG stands up

GURRG: WHAT THE F*** WAS THAT!, why are you packing Kud?

KUD: That was Mike, It was the call...Crazy Town is playing a 2 hour set!!AHHHHHHHHH

Steven Richards: Hey guys, that was Kud with the call, Crazy Town is playing a 2 hour set...lets get the f*** outta here!!AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

*OZZy wakes up*

OZZY: Noo! Not the 2 hour set!!!

If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly...

Dear Santa:

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend,

BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a f***ing book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least he can spell.

Santa

***** Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year,and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love,

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

*****

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love,

Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.

Santa

***** Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend,

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

*****

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Dear Timmy,

That whiney begging sh*t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

*****

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our house? Love,

Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky" that's why you're getting your a** kicked at school. Second you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams,

Santa

Insight into the minds of sixth graders:

The following were answers provided by sixth graders during a history test. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the incorrect spelling.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

>4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

>7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention wasmthe circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on hisbirthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

>16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers

Wall-It

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,

"Watch the wall!"

ShortJoke A teenaged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes says to his friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."

Mother-In-Law

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed, "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter."

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother- in-law."

Indians' Land

When white man found this land, Indians were running it. There were:

The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!

M&M's

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime. "Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

If you can...

If you can start the day without caffine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be thankful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can overlook it when something goes wrong, through no fault of yours, and those you love take it out on you,

If you can take critisism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the worl without lies and deceit,

If you can conquor tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, or politics,

Then, my friends, you are almost as good as your dog.:)

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Doggie Quotes

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's much too dark to read."-- Groucho Marx

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."-- Unknown

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."-- Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."-- Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead."-- Unknown

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."-- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."-- Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."-- August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"-- Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."-- Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."-- James Thurber

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you arewonderful."-- Ann Landers

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of histail."

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."-- Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loveshimself." -- Josh Billings

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."-- Mark Twain

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -- John Steinbeck

"Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you."

"Life is like a dog sled team........if you aren't the lead dog, the scenery never changes."

Sports Quotes

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." - Jason Kidd

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." - Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice, 1982.

"Tom." - Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name, 1966.

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." - Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

Virus Joke

THE GEORGE BUSH Virus...(Causes your computer to think it won the election,even though the motherboard and fatherboard bought it.)

THE AL GORE Virus...(Causes your computer to just keep counting)

THE CLINTON Virus...(Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus...(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus...(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE JESSE JACKSON virus... (Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background)

THE MIKE TYSON virus...(Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus... (Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...(Deletes all old files)

THE PROZAC virus...(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...(Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...(Terminates some files, leaves, but, will be back)

and last but not least....

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

A Few One-Liners

* Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

* I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

* Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. .

* Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

* I live in my own little world. But it's OK... they know me here.

* I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

* I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

* I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

* There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and s*** head's.

* If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

*If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Quotes From Little Children

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

If you throw a ball at someone, they'll probably throw it back

School lunches stick to the wall.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.

Don't say that the "Last One is a Rotten Egg" unless you're absolutely sure there's a slow kid behind you.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Silence can be an answer.

Love Is

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8-year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen," Bobby - age 5

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend whom you hate." Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day." Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - Age 5

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 8

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her." Bethany - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7

"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget," Jessica - age 8

WHY PARENTS HAVE GREY HAIR

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again, the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed, whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team Just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "ME."

E-mail Virus Alert

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on all your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

If you drive a Chevy, it will start missing like a Ford.

It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.

For Heaven's sake, are you listening?! It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun when someone loses an eye.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN!

If you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Please Send, send, send, send, and send!

LOOKING AT COWS

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

What religion is your bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which onewould you prefer?"

Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple.

1=2

20 WAYS TO CONFUSE TRICK-OR-TREATERS

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!" Act like it's a surprise party.

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.

10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

15. Instead of candy, give away coloured eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.

19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.

Stupid Quotes

"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound." - Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." - Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness." - Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby." - Anonymous Manufacturer

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time." - Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails." - AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there." - Bill Madlock, Baseball broadcaster

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." - Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." - Bill Peterson, football coach

Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." - Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman

"The team has come along slow but fast." - Casey Stengel, Baseball player/manager

"I think the team that wins Game 5 will win the series. Unless we lose Game 5." - Charles Barkley, NBA Basketball Player

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." - Charles De Gaulle, former French President

"Football players win football games." - Chuck Knox, football coach

"Most lies about blondes are false." - Cincinnati Times-Star, headline

"If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they'll fish for a lifetime." - Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago" - Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!" - Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President on the concept of a manned mission to Mars

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." - Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." - David Acfield

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears, Pop Singer

"The internet is a great way to get on the net." - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." -Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" -Author Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -Rod Stewart

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." -Dave Barry

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" -Marilyn Pittman

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." -Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." -Paula Poundstone

A Day in Church with the Kids

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me", the father replied. The boy thought for a while then quietly said, "Then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius -the Pilot.

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir, "little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, KY, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. about halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

More Quotes

"When I was in junior high school, the teachers voted me the student most likely to end up in the electric chair." -Sylvester Stallone

"Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean 'your guess is as good as mine.'" -Bob Hope

"I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year." -Victor Borge

Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... so why practice?

The wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

I was born intelligent, education ruined me.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say..........

If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you you hear them speak.

Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.

Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk

"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours !

A dress is like a barbed fence It protects the premises without restricting the view

The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know So.. why learn.

Heheh...

Everday there was a Christain woman who would step out on her porch and say "Praise the Lord!" Her neighbor would answer back who was a disbeliever saying "There is no Lord." This went on every monring. One winters mornig the lady stepped out on the porch and said again "Praise the Lord!" "I'm broke, cold, and hungry, and I have nothing in my cabinets or refrigerator." "But, Praise the Lord I know he will provide anyways. "The answer came back "There is no Lord."

So the next morning the Christian woman stepped out on her porch and found several bag or groceries. She said again "Praise the Lord! I knew he would provide." The atheist hiding behind some bushes jumped out and said "HA! I told you there is no Lord I provided those he didn't." She looked at him and said "Praise the Lord, The Lord provided and he made the devil pay for it."

You're in the wrong church if...

The scripture lesson is on "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."

The choir performs "A Mighty Fortress is Our God" - as a polka!

A week before Christmas the pastor announces the church will be "closed for the holidays."

The church picnic will be held at KFC this year.

The sign out front says "Church-Lite: Home of the original ten minute Sermonette, and the 7.5 Percent Tithe."

Every illustration the preacher uses somehow refers to "those hilarious Budweiser frogs".

The missions budget just got cut in half, but the church treasurer just bought a "kickin'" new Harley.

New head greeters: Mike Tyson and WWF President Vince McMahon.

On your second Sunday as a visitor they ask you to be their pastor.

On the offering envelopes is printed "Please make checks payable directly to the pastor."

The pastor wears his golf togs in the pulpit.

The floral arrangement on the altar is in the shape of a big horseshoe... that reads "Hollywood Park."

Everyone is handcuffed together at the ankles before preaching starts.

You are asked to fasten your seatbelt before the service begins moving.

You are told your offering is nice but the ushers want your wallet, watch, and wedding rings too.

You are the only person in the sanctuary and it's 15 minutes after church is scheduled to start.

The confessional has a coin slot and a hand lever.

The baptismal fount has bubbling water, is large enough to hold two or three seated adults, and looks suspiciously like a jacuzzi.

Bill Clinton is the speaker of the day and his topic is "Morality In America - How To Be A Shining Example".

You have to tip the usher to get a good seat right up front...

Four Words: Associate Pastor Don King.

The pastor is introduced with a Johnny Carson style "Heeeeere's Sparky."

Just before the sermon, cups of strong black coffee are distributed along the pews.

The minister falls asleep while delivering his own sermon.

The ushers passing around the offering basket are wearing ski masks.

The band for the services has a tip jar on the loudspeaker and all the songs are about money.

They have a volunteer blood drive in the morning service - that is to be used for some vague purpose in the evening service.

The Bible they use is the Dr. Seuss version.

The Choir wears black leather robes.

They have Karaoke worship time.

The sanctuary has only entrances, no "exits"!

The ushers look mysteriously like "Men in Black"! (Yes, with sunglasses)

The offering plate has been passed three times and the sermon hasn't even begun yet.

The pastor's sermon begins: "Let me tell you about my book..."

When the choir sings, the dogs outside begin to howl, and are closer to being in tune.

New member candidates are required to submit W-2's for the last 5 years.

You discover the church refers to the 10 commandments as the 10 suggestions or offers to let you "pick any six."

The New Member's kit includes a certificate of membership, a Bible, church-by-laws, and an assault rifle.

You're the only person in the congregation who is carrying a Bible, including the preacher.

The Ushers ask "Smoking or non-smoking?"

The regular pastoral retreats almost always seem to be in either Las Vegas or Atlantic City.

The Church bus has a gun rack.

There's an ATM machine in the vestibule.

They have open Communion ...but there is a two-drink minimum

Quotes

Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings. - George Will

E-mail is like coming home at night after a long day and finding 70 people in your kitchen. - John O' Donohue

Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today can see their real owners. - E. Joseph Cossman

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped. - Marcel Achard

I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really do melt in your hand... - Peter Oakley

Babysitting A young man volunteered to baby-sit one night so his mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs but the young man kept sending him back.

At 9pm, the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbour Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No". Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted, "I'm here Mom but he won't let me go home."

Quotes "The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense." -Tom Clancy

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all the flies and death and stuff." -Mariah Carey

"A dog may be the only opportunity a human has to choose a relative." -Mordecai Siegal

Talking Dog This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies,

"He's such a #$@*%#&* liar."

The Janitor

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor.

The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves.

Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.

Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business.

By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned. "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce?

Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied,

"Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Author Unknown

Legs

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten pairs of legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing.

He sat in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.

The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset.

He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs.

The more he thought about it the madder he got.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said,

"What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that, the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called,

"Mister, what's your name?"

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said,

"You tell me buddy!

You tell me!"

Quotes "Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you." -Carl Gustav Jung

"It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them." -Alfred Adler

"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious." -Brendan Gill

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." -Lily Tomlin

"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with." -W. C. Fields

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

George Carlin Strikes Again

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in... what happens to the other penny?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

I don’t approve of political jokes..I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Quotes "To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you're overdoing it." -Josh Jenkins

"Why inflict pain on oneself, when so many others are ready to save us the trouble?" - George W. Pachaud

"Have you ever noticed... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" - George Carlin

"In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said 'Let there be light'. And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry." -Kevin Krisciunas

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." ~ Calvin Trillin

Coke Please

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."

Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

Quotes Due to the current economic situation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off until further notice.

"When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes." -Dylan Thomas

"A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking." - Arthur Block

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy." - Charlie McCarthy

"A woman uses her intelligence to find reasons to support her intuition." -G. K. Chesterton

"I don't say we all ought to misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could." - Orson Welles

"Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day." - Harry S. Truman

"There will always be two kinds of people: those who say what they think, and those who keep their friends." - Unknown

"Reputation is character minus what you've been caught doing." -Michael Iapoce

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad" [jackhandey]

Even though I was their captive, the Indians gave me a lot of freedom. I was free to cook, walk around and even throw large stones at their heads. It was only later that I realized they weren't Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers. -Jack Handy

Little Johnny With Math

Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an "F" in Arithmetic today.

"Why?" asks his father.

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6".

"But that's right," said his father.

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'

"What's the f***ing difference?" asks his father.

"That's what I said!"

The Age-Old Questions How about the first guy to try a chicken egg? Do you consider him brave? How many tries before he cooked it?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (Come on say it!)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

(Bet you sang those two songs above just to see if the tune was the same.)

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

If it's a 50mph wind, and you drive your car 50mph downwind, if you stick your head out the window, do you feel the wind?

If you're in a car, travelling at the speed of light, and you turn on your headlights, do they do anything?

\ And once again...Quotes "Reality is what refuses to go away when I stop believing in it." - Philip K. Dick

"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln

"I base my fashion sense on what doesn't itch." - Gilda Radner

"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough." - Unknown

"E-mail is like coming home at night after a long day and finding 70 people in your kitchen." - John O' Donohue

"A good film is when the price of dinner, the theater admission and the baby sitter were worth it." - Alfred Hitchcock

"America is like a melting pot. The people at the bottom get burned, and the scum floats to the top." - Charlie King

"You don't seem to realize that a poor person who is unhappy is in a better position than a rich person who is unhappy. Because the poor person has hope. He thinks money would help." - Jean Kerr

"Fortunately, analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist." - Karen Horney

"An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less, until eventually he knows everything about nothing." - Anonymous

"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. " - Woody Allen

"The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent." - Unknown

"A sobering thought: What if, right at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential? " - Jane Wagner

"Middle age: when you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms." - Irvin S. Cobb

"You see much more of your children once they leave home." - Lucille Ball

"Newman's first law: It is useless to put on your brakes when you're upside down. " - Paul Newman

"That which is everybody's business is nobody's business. " - William Wordsworth

Stupid Things - Your Thoughts Please

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out?"

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?

Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What's the opposite of opposite?

If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?

Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?

Why is there braille on a driveup ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveway?

Why is there a sign that says, "No Dogs Allowed, Except leader Dogs for the Blind"?

I went to a Gas Station and saw a sign on the door that read, "Smoking prohibited where food is sold." How about those enormous tanks of highly explosive fuel! I have yet to see a Hostess Twinkie explode when touched by a hot ash.

Need a good laugh? Click me

Remember, these are all TRUE! Enjoy!

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

4. THE GETAWAY!

5. DID I SAY THAT???

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

8. THE GRAND FINALE

Phobia of the day!

Arachibutyrophobia: the fear of peanutbutter sticking to the roof of your mouth.

Will you cover the fear of finding the answer to "got milk?" is no?

Bromidrophobia: -the fear of smells.

Fun Stuff *He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

*Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

*A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

*On the other hand, you have different fingers.

*Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

*I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

*I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

*He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

*You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

* I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

*Honk if you love peace and quiet.

*Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

*It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

*Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

*The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

*It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

*You can't have everything, where would you put it?

* Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

*If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

* The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

*Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

* Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

*As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

*A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

*When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

*Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The Floral Shop

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

"Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."

"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.

The florist read the card, "Congratulations on your new location."

Lynda

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?"

Lynda says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

George Carlin-isms

1.. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

2.. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3.. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4.. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

6.. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's theself-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

7.. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8.. If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9.. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and thereis no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

10.. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,is it considered a hostage situation?

11.. Is there another word for synonym?

12.. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

13.. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14.. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating anendangered plant?

15.. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16.. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17.. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someonewill clean them?

18.. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19.. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20.. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21.. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22.. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23.. Is it true that canniabals don't eat clowns because they tastefunny?

24.. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

25.. One nice thing about egotists, they don't talk about other people.

26.. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

27.. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

28.. How is it possible to have a civil war?

29.. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

30.. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

31.. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

32.. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

33.. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids?"

34.. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

35.. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

36.. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

37.. Why is there an expliration date on sour cream?

You Know You Are Addicted To Coffee If ....

Living with the Girlfriend

One night, this guy is invited out for a night with the guys. He promised his live-in girlfriend that he would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down smooth, and before he knew it, it was 2:30 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, he headed for home.

Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, he realized that she'd probably wake up, so he was quite proud of himself when he thought to cuckoo nine more times. Even in his drunken haze, he fell asleep smiling about how he had escaped a possible conflict.

The next morning, his girlfriend asked him what time he got in, and he replied, "Twelve." She didn't seem disturbed at all, which made the guy feel even better.

She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

"Why is that?" he asked.

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

A Message from Down Below

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one LETTER, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preachers wife, whose husband had passed away only one day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest wife: Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Signed, your eternally loving husband.

PS: Sure is hot down here!

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

7) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

8) Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.

9) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

10) School lunches stick to the wall.

11) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Coma America’s Profile

100 Unsolved Mysteries

Religious Humor

~A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself! off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

~Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

~Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

~A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a babysitter."

~A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked. "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

~A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

~A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

~A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it on the back of the door. Revelation 3:20: "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10."

Genesis 3:10: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself."

~School lunch children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note saying, “Take only one, God is watching.” Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a note, “Take all you want, God is watching the apples.”

~A little boy was just horrible in school, he never did his work, he cut up in class all the time, he was just a general pain in the neck. His parents had tried everything they could think of to get him to behave, but nothing worked. Finally, they took him out of the school and put him in a Catholic school. The first day he came home, went straight up to his room and did his homework. This continued for some time until he brought his report card home. He laid it on the table, then went up to his room to study. His parents came up later and asked about his perfect grades. "What made you change? Was it theuniforms?"

Jesus' Origin

Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence........

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:

But then there were equally good arguments that.... JESUS WAS BLACK:

But then there were equally good arguments that.... JESUS WAS JEWISH:

But then there were equally good arguments that.... JESUS WAS ITALIAN:

But then there were equally good arguments that.... JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:

But then there were equally good arguments that.... JESUS WAS IRISH:

But perhaps the most compelling evidence..... THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN:

A mother was hosting a dinner party and when the meal was served the mother asked her little daughter to pray, the daughter told her mom she did not know what to say. "Just say what mommy says" the mother replied. "OK, Dear Lord, Why did I invite all of these people over."

Shipwrecked

An Atheist and a Christian shipwreck together on an island.

"We're doomed, DOOMED I tell 'ya!", cries the Atheist.

"Nah...", says the Christian, "My pastor will find us."

"Are you crazy?!?", the Atheist screams. "We have no flares, no radio, no means of contact. NO ONE knows where we are!"

"I'm tellin' 'ya", replies the Christian, "don't worry about it. My pastor will find us."

"And just how can you be so sure of that, Mr. 'I'm safe from everything' Christian?", questions the Atheist.

"'Cause I make a $3 million a year salary..." says the Christian with a sly grin.

Stupid Quotes From Famous People

Stupid Quote #1 Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest: Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?" Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."

Stupid Quote #2 Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22- "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."

Stupid Quote #3 David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.- "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."

Stupid Quote #4 Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign- "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

Stupid Quote #5 Mayor Marion Barry, Washington DC- "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

Stupid Quote #6 Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia- "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."

The Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Learning Humility

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.

Think you know everything?

1. Rubberbands last longer when refrigerated.

2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

5. The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

6. There are more chickens than people in the world.

7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."

13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.

15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

16. Maine is the only state (in USA) whose name is just one syllable.

17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. It indicates a smile.

23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."

25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

NOW you know everything... You could be a TEENAGER

Popular Pranks: Volume 1

- Remove the bolts of your victims chair except the last one, which should be left poking out. Let your target stroll in and fall through the chair!

- Hide in a department stores coat rack and stick your arms out on passers by.

- Buy a dog leash and next time you see a dead animal on the street, attach the collar to your targets car, tucking the animal under the car so it is not noticed. When he drives away the animal will be dragged away and it will look like he killed his animal by outrunning it in the car!

- Start to stare at the top of a building. Watch the reaction of passers by who try to find out what your looking at.

- Take a small fold-up chair and table into a unoccupied lift. Set it up and sit down before the next floor. As people enter the lift ask them "Whose your appointment with?".

- Cut a the silhouette of a gun out of a piece of metal and place in your targets bag before they go through an airport x-ray machine.

- In a restaurant, super glue the tablecloth, napkins, saucepots, plates, cutlery and any other objects on the table.

- SOAPSUDS. This is a liquid that multiplies. You can throw it in phone booths or rooms and it will multiply to fill up the space. Here's how to get it: Get a bucket and fill it with hot water. Empty some dishwashing detergent into this bucket. Drop in it a few pounds of crushed dry ice.

- Take the cistern lid off the toilet before you go to bed. Inside is a pipe, about 3 inches long, disconnect this and leave it poking out towards the seat. When your flatmates get up in the night not noticing the pipe they'll be drenched.

- Rub the base of a candle on a form/piece of paper. They not be able to write on it, and will think it is their pen.

- Put toothpaste ( a white brand) around the lid of a toilet ( a white toilet seat).

- When your room mate is sleeping: put a couple of those red hot candies (found in all good joke shops) between their lips. They'll have really bad blisters the next morning!

- When your room mate is sleeping:- put clear tape on their eyes. When they wake up ask them if they feel OK.

- Carefully take apart a 'Oreo' cookie. Scrape out the filling and replace it with toothpaste, or any other horrible white paste.

- Apply your targets name to your Army recruitment center.

- Buy a universal remote control. Sneak up to a window and start changing the channels.

- If your staying at a hotel; ask the receptionist to give you a 4:00 am wake up call and to ring it repeatedly because your a sound sleeper. Then give the room number of your friend/stranger.

. -Put Icy-Hot in your targets shampoo bottle. Their head will be burning!

- If your going away for a period of time and somebody's sitting in for you: hide many alarm clocks around your flat/house. Then set them to go off at all different times.

- Drag Police tape saying "Police: Do not cross!" or something similar, around your targets home when they are away. And when they get home. . .

- Swap the sugar bowl with a bowl of antacid. When someone puts sugar in their coffee it will over flow.

- Wet your hands. Go behind your targets back and wipe your hands down their back without them noticing. Then fake sneeze loudly.

- Paint a weird face on your room mate when their asleep. Then remove all the mirrors.

- Offer your target a pint of Guinness (or another frothy beer/lager). Replace the froth with Shaving cream.

- Dress up like a builder. Stand next to a corner of a building. Ask a passerby to help you measure part of the building. Give them one end of a measuring tape and tell them to hold on as you go round the corner. Then, on the other side of the corner, ask another passerby exactly the same thing. Then run away!

- When you are driving the car, and your passenger falls asleep, pull up directly in front of a tree and scream to wake them up.

- Attach a baby seat to the roof-rack of your car. Strap a realistic baby doll into the seat and drive around town watching people's reactions.

- Before a concert, locate the wind instruments and pour confetti into the middle of the instruments, so it can't be seen. Watch the confetti blow out during the concert!

- Before taking your laundry to the laundry mat or leaving it for someone else who does it, melt an Henry bar in the microwave and place it strategically in a pair of underwear at the top of the pile. Submitted by : Artie Jay

- First unscrew a bathroom shower head, then get a slice of bread and shove into the pipe. After that place a few bouillon cubes into the pipe leading into the wall. Screw shower head back in place and wait for the next person to shower. Submitted by : Jimmy

- While your housemates are out remove all lightbulbs and unplug everything electrical. Submitted by : Adam

Eighth Grade Education

Remember when our grandparents, great-grandparents, and such stated that they only had an 8th-grade education?

Well check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?

This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 Salina, KS, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS and reprinted by the Salina Journal.

8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS - 1895

Grammar (Time, one hour)

1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.

2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications.

3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.

4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of do, lie, lay and run.

5. Define Case. Illustrate each Case.

6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.

7. - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)

1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.

2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 ft. long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?

3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts. a bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?

4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month and have $104 for incidentals?

5. Find the cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.

6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.

7. What is the cost of 40 boards, 12 inches wide and 16 feet long at $20 per meter?

8. Find the bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.

9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods?

10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)

1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.

2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.

3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.

4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.

5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.

6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.

7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?

8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607 1620 1800 1849 1865

Orthography (Time, one hour)

1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication?

2. What are elementary sounds? How are they classified?

3. What are the following and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?

4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'.

5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e'. Name two exceptions under each rule.

6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.

7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: Bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup

8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: Card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.

9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.

10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)

1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?

2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?

3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?

4. Describe the mountains of North America.

5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.

6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.

7. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.

8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?

9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.

10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the earth.

Top 20 ways you know if you are addicted to the Internet

1. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

2. You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.

3. You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"

4. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

5. All of your friends have an @ in their names.

6. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

>7. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

8. You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems.

9. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

10. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

11. You tell the cab driver you live at http://75.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html

12. Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

13. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.

14. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)

15. You turn on your computer and turn off your spouse.

16. Your best friend is someone you've never met.

17. Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so you can chat.

18. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

19. Your dog has its own home page.

20. So does your goldfish.

Two Evil Brothers

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back.

"He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

Top 10 Funny Store Signs

1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

7.In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

All the Work in the World

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why:

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing the Taliban. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're just sitting there, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice, real nice.

The Frog

An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The accountant guy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the accountant guy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The accountant said, "Look, I work as an accountant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

Fun With Numbers: 666

666.000000 -- Number of the High Precision Beast

0.666 -- Number of the Millibeast

/ 666 -- Beast Common Denominator

0.005015 -- Reciprical of the Beast

666i -- Imaginary number of The Beast

1010011010 -- Binary number of The Beast

443556 -- Square of the Beast

2.8235 -- Log of the Beast

6.5913 -- Ln Beast

1.738E289 -- Anti-log of the Beast

6.66E2 -- Scientific number of the Beast

29A -- Hexadecimal number of the Beast

666! -- Factorial of the Beast

1-666 -- Area code of The Beast

Mailto://666@hell.org -- E-mail address of the Beast

http://www.666.org.html -- web-page of the Beast

Phillips 666 -- Gasoline of The Beast

666 mg -- Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast

Lotus 6-6-6 -- Spreadsheet of The Beast

665.99999973 -- Intel Pentium number of the Beast

Windows 666 -- Bill Gates' personal Beast

Apartments 664a and 668a (the neighbors of the beast)

333 -- half a beast

999 -- inverted beast

License Plate for the Beast 66D6666

sixsixsix word of beast

26662 The beast in a tu-tu

4666D The beast in a Ford

'Product 666' The breakfast cereal of the beast

'The $666,000 Question' The favorite game show of the beast

2x4666-the lumber of the beast

The first six Roman numerals are "I", "V", "X", "L", "C" and "D". Here are their numerical values and the total:

Strange, but True

1) Aardvarks are never mentioned in the Bible.

2) The shortest prayer in the Bible is Peter's- "Lord save me!". (Mathew 14:30)

3) At the age of 10, Abraham Lincoln had read the entire Bible three times.

4) The longest name in the Bible is Maher-shalal-hash-baz. It means "quick to plunder, swift to spoil". (Isaiah 8:3)

6)Zimri was king of Israel for one week when he committed suicide by setting the palace on fire around himself. (1 Kings 16:18)

10) In the KJV version of the Bible, Ezra contains every letter of the alphabet except 'j'..

10 Things To Do In An Elevator To Have Fun

1. Blow out a huge depressed fart and blame it on the person next to you out loud.

2. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

3. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

4. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

5. Meow occasionally.

6. Show other passengers a rash on your genitals and ask if it looks infected.

7. Leave a box between the doors.

8. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

9. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?'

10. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.

The Test

Please take this test.

DON'T WRITE YOUR ANSWERS DOWN AND DON'T SHOUT THEM OUT.

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> Take that number and correspond it to the alphabet, numbering the letters, A=1, B=2, C=3 and so on...

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> Take your letter and think of a Country that BEGINS with that letter.

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> Take the LAST letter in the name of that country, and think of an animal that STARTS with this letter.

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There aren't any orange Kangaroo's in Denmark

Doilies

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.

One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the Doilies."

Major Misinterpretations

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I also know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Now I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

Then, Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

A friend of mine also feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

And Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Quotes

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" -Warren Hutcherson

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." -A. Whitney Brown

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." -Roseanne

Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. -Unknown, presumed deceased

"Happiness is like peeing in your pants... everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth." -Unkown

"What makes me tick? I don't know, but the noise is driving me nuts." - Michael Hayward

"There are three sides to every story - yours, mine, and all that lie between. " -Jody Kern

Useless facts

Useless facts you'll never need to know, but your life would be incomplete without!

~Butterflies taste with their feet.

~A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. ~On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

~a dime has 118 ridges

~a quarter has 119

~Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

~Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

~It's possible to lead a cow upstairs..but not downstairs.

~ Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

~No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH".

~A snail can sleep for three years.

~The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

~Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

~The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

~All polar bears are left handed

~Stewardesses is the longest word spelled only using one side of the keyboard

~In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

~An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

~TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

~The parking meter was invented in 1933

~"Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

~A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

~The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

~Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

MOM Taught Me

MOM taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

MOM taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

MOM taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

MOM taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

MOM taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

MOM taught me IRONY: "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

MOM taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

MOM taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

MOM taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

MOM taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

MOM taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"

MOM taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, Don't exaggerate!!!"

MOM taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"

MOM taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

And most of all ..... MOM taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

Author Unknown

Two Words

Sister Mary goes to a monastery where she meets Father Fred.

He says to her "This is a slient monastery and you will only speak when I give you permission to speak".

5 years go by and Father Fred calls Sister Mary and says to her "Well, you've been here 5 years. You may say 2 words".

Her reply was "Hard bed".

Father says "Sorry to hear that. I'll see what we can do."

Another 5 years go by and once again father Fred gives Sister Mary permission to say 2 more words. this time she says "Cold food".

Father fred says "oh sorry to hear that. I'll see what we can do".

On the 15th anniversary, Father Fred calls Sister Mary and again she's allowed 2 more words

She says "I quit".

Father Fred replies "Good. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Ministers and Taxi Drivers

A Baptist preacher and a Pentacostal minister are at a convention in New York City. After a long day of lectures they are taking a taxi from the convention center to their hotel when they get in a bad wreck; both of them and the taxi driver are killed.

When they arrive at the gates of Heaven, Peter asks them what they have done on earth.

"Well," says the Baptist preacher, "I've been preaching God's word and bringing people to Christ for twenty years."

"Very good," says Peter, "Stand to the side for a moment, please."

The Pentacostal minister steps up,

"I've been helping the lost and saving souls for thirty years," he says.

"Excellent," says Peter, "Please stand over there for a minute," he says, pointing toward the Baptist preacher.

The taxi driver then walks up,

"Well, I haven't done anything like those two guys," he says, looking ashamed, "I haven't done anything but drive a taxi in New York City for the past five years."

"Well," says Peter, "Come right in!" and the taxi driver goes through the gates.

"Wait a minute!" both the Baptist preacher and the Pentacostal minister object, "Why did you let him right in but not us!?"

"Because," Peter tells them, "In five years as a taxi driver in New York City, he's scared the hell out of more people than the two of you put together!"

Joke

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools-and the intelligence-to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

Mayor walks naked down street

A person was running for mayor, and told the people that if he won the election, he would walk naked down the street. Well, he won the election, and walked naked down the street. Little did the people know, his dog was named naked!

A Little Humor

Jesus and Satan were arguing one day over who was the better computer programmer and God was losing his patience so God says "Okay enough let's have a contest and the one who wins is the best programmer!" Jesus and Satan argee and they both start typing making spreadsheets, building programs,making web sites and so on and so on. They are typing as fast as their hands ca type after 4 hours the power goes out in the room. Satan throws a total and complete fit. "No! No! No! Four hours of work and it's gone. What am I going to do? I have an hour left!" He screams. Suddenly the power comes back on and Jesus starts printing out everything he has and Satan keeps typimg away trying to get all his work back into his computer just as Jesus prints out his last program. God says "Time's up!" Satan is furious. "No No No! How can this be I've lost almost everything I typed up. This isn't fair!" Satan screams again. God says "Yes it is Jesus saves!"

A Day in Church with the Kids

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, KY, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me", the father replied. The boy thought for a while then quietly said, "Then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

~A Passionate Story~

About last night . . .

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body . . . you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally, I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights events.

My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you . . .

. . . You god-forsaken mosquito.

One night, this guy is invited out for a night with the guys. He promised his live-in girlfriend that he would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down smooth, and before he knew it, it was 2:30 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, he headed for home.

Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, he realized that she'd probably wake up, so he was quite proud of himself when he thought to cuckoo nine more times. Even in his drunken haze, he fell asleep smiling about how he had escaped a possible conflict.

The next morning, his girlfriend asked him what time he got in, and he replied, "Twelve." She didn't seem disturbed at all, which made the guy feel even better.

She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

"Why is that?" he asked.

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

Here's another joke:

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one LETTER, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preachers wife, whose husband had passed away only one day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest wife: Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Signed, your eternally loving husband.

PS: Sure is hot down here!

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

7) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

8) Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.

9) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

10) School lunches stick to the wall.

11) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Coma America’s Profile

100 Unsolved Mysteries

Jesus' Origin

Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence........

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:

But then there were equally good arguments that.... JESUS WAS BLACK:

But then there were equally good arguments that.... JESUS WAS JEWISH:

But then there were equally good arguments that.... JESUS WAS ITALIAN:

But then there were equally good arguments that.... JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:

But then there were equally good arguments that.... JESUS WAS IRISH:

But perhaps the most compelling evidence..... THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN:

A mother was hosting a dinner party and when the meal was served the mother asked her little daughter to pray, the daughter told her mom she did not know what to say. "Just say what mommy says" the mother replied. "OK, Dear Lord, Why did I invite all of these people over."

Shipwrecked

An Atheist and a Christian shipwreck together on an island.

"We're doomed, DOOMED I tell 'ya!", cries the Atheist.

"Nah...", says the Christian, "My pastor will find us."

"Are you crazy?!?", the Atheist screams. "We have no flares, no radio, no means of contact. NO ONE knows where we are!"

"I'm tellin' 'ya", replies the Christian, "don't worry about it. My pastor will find us."

"And just how can you be so sure of that, Mr. 'I'm safe from everything' Christian?", questions the Atheist.

"'Cause I make a $3 million a year salary..." says the Christian with a sly grin.

Author Topic: All the laws? (humor) MorningStar99 I don't know if this has been ever posted or not, but I though this was good: Dear Dr. Laura, Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this? I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? I also know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. Now I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? Then, Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify? A friend of mine also feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? And Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" -Warren Hutcherson "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." -A. Whitney Brown "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." -Roseanne Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. -Unknown, presumed deceased "Happiness is like peeing in your pants... everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth." -Unkown "What makes me tick? I don't know, but the noise is driving me nuts." - Michael Hayward "There are three sides to every story - yours, mine, and all that lie between. " -Jody Kern Author Topic: Useless facts christschild12 Useless facts you'll never need to know, but your life would be incomplete without! ~Butterflies taste with their feet. ~A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. ~On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. ~a dime has 118 ridges ~a quarter has 119 ~Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. ~Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. ~It's possible to lead a cow upstairs..but not downstairs. ~ Women blink nearly twice as much as men. ~No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH". ~A snail can sleep for three years. ~The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. ~Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. ~The electric chair was invented by a dentist. ~All polar bears are left handed ~Stewardesses is the longest word spelled only using one side of the keyboard ~In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. ~An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ~TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. ~The parking meter was invented in 1933 ~"Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. ~A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. ~The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. ~Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. ~it is impossible to lick your elbow > >MOM Taught Me >MOM taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: >"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. >I just finished cleaning!" > >MOM taught me RELIGION: >"You better pray that will come out of the carpet." > >MOM taught me about TIME TRAVEL: >"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the >middle of next week!" > >MOM taught me LOGIC: >"Because I said so, that's why." > >MOM taught me FORESIGHT: >"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an >accident." > >MOM taught me IRONY: >"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about." > >MOM taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: >"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" > >MOM taught me about CONTORTIONISM: >"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!" > >MOM taught me about STAMINA: >"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished." > >MOM taught me about WEATHER: >"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." >MOM taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: >"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, >would you listen then?" >MOM taught me about HYPOCRISY: >"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, >Don't exaggerate!!!" >MOM taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: >"Stop acting like your father!" >MOM taught me about ENVY: >"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who >don't have wonderful parents like you do!" >And most of all ..... MOM taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: >"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." >Author Unknown Author Topic: Joke nutan Sister Mary goes to a monastery where she meets Father Fred. He says to her "This is a slient monastery and you will only speak when I give you permission to speak". 5 years go by and Father Fred calls Sister Mary and says to her "Well, you've been here 5 years. You may say 2 words". Her reply was "Hard bed". Father says "Sorry to hear that. I'll see what we can do." Another 5 years go by and once again father Fred gives Sister Mary permission to say 2 more words. this time she says "Cold food". Father fred says "oh sorry to hear that. I'll see what we can do". On the 15th anniversary, Father Fred calls Sister Mary and again she's allowed 2 more words She says "I quit". Father Fred replies "Good. You've done nothing but complain since you got here." uthor Subject: Re: Re: Joke (4 of 5) stevec I was told this by a Baptist minister: A Baptist preacher and a Pentacostal minister are at a convention in New York City. After a long day of lectures they are taking a taxi from the convention center to their hotel when they get in a bad wreck; both of them and the taxi driver are killed. When they arrive at the gates of Heaven, Peter asks them what they have done on earth. "Well," says the Baptist preacher, "I've been preaching God's word and bringing people to Christ for twenty years." "Very good," says Peter, "Stand to the side for a moment, please." The Pentacostal minister steps up, "I've been helping the lost and saving souls for thirty years," he says. "Excellent," says Peter, "Please stand over there for a minute," he says, pointing toward the Baptist preacher. The taxi driver then walks up, "Well, I haven't done anything like those two guys," he says, looking ashamed, "I haven't done anything but drive a taxi in New York City for the past five years." "Well," says Peter, "Come right in!" and the taxi driver goes through the gates. "Wait a minute!" both the Baptist preacher and the Pentacostal minister object, "Why did you let him right in but not us!?" "Because," Peter tells them, "In five years as a taxi driver in New York City, he's scared the hell out of more people than the two of you put together!" MONDAY MORNING CHUCKLE A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk. The Decoy

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

MONDAY MORNING CHUCKLE

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed......

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,

"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching!"

Moral - not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!

Situational Awareness Test You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk again. MONDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 8/21/06 at 05:10 AM Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest. 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!" 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive." 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good). A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did???? TUESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 8/22/06 at 05:16 AM A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life...until the boat sank! He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my crui se ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable,ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few hours of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls out off the boat. Befo re him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No. No, thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and flowers strategically positioned, and smelling of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?" She stares into his eyes and takes his hand in hers... He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean.." he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes, .... I can actually check my e-mail from here ? " Filbert: Bad luck and misfortune will infest your pathetic soul for all eternity. FRIDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by children. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards t he moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.go., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts--- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs , and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section" A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome Q: What does the word "benign" mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight to be based based on the novel "The Master and Margarita" by Mikhail Bulgakov. The novel is apparantly about the appearance of the devil in Moscow at the time of Stalin's purges, the Devil is aided in his tasks of mayhem by a giant black cat and a naked woman. Author Subject: Joke (5 of 5) Sallie48 One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools-and the intelligence-to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge. Author Topic: Mayor walks naked down street! Chris05 A person was running for mayor, and told the people that if he won the election, he would walk naked down the street. Well, he won the election, and walked naked down the street. Little did the people know, his dog was named naked! Author Topic: Stupid Quotes kookles I thought these were pretty funny: "Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound." - Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm "I invented the internet". - Al Gore, former U.S. Vice President "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." - Alan Minter, Boxer "I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness." - Alicia Silverstone, Actress "How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby." - Anonymous Manufacturer "This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time." - Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL "During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails." - AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian "Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there." - Bill Madlock, Baseball broadcaster "You guys line up alphabetically by height." - Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." - Bill Peterson, football coach "The internet is a great way to get on the net." - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." - Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman "The team has come along slow but fast." - Casey Stengel, Baseball player/manager "I think the team that wins Game 5 will win the series. Unless we lose Game 5." - Charles Barkley, NBA Basketball Player "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." - Charles De Gaulle, former French President "Football players win football games." - Chuck Knox, football coach "Most lies about blondes are false." - Cincinnati Times-Star, headline "If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they'll fish for a lifetime." - Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President "It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago" - Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!" - Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President on the concept of a manned mission to Mars "I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." - Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." - David Acfield "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears, Pop Singer "The internet is a great way to get on the net." - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate "In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular." - Kathleen Norris Lynda A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?" Lynda says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!" Subject: George Carlin-isms> George Carlin-isms> > (For those of us who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity)> > A few quotes from the Master of double-speak, George Carlin:> > 1.. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. > 2.. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. > 3.. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. > 4.. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeysand > apes? > 5.. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the > bad girls live. > 6.. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's theself-help > section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. > 7.. What if there were no hypothetical questions? > 8.. If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? > 9.. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and thereis > no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? > 10.. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,is > it considered a hostage situation?> 11.. Is there another word for synonym? > 12.. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" > 13.. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" > 14.. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating anendangered > plant?> 15.. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? > 16.. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? > 17.. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someonewill > clean them?> 18.. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? > 19.. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? > 20.. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? > 21.. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to > remain silent? > 22.. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? > 23.. Is it true that canniabals don't eat clowns because they tastefunny? > 24.. What was the best thing before sliced bread? > 25.. One nice thing about egotists, they don't talk about other people. > 26.. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? > 27.. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? > 28.. How is it possible to have a civil war? > 29.. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? > 30.. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? > 31.. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? > 32.. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? > 33.. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids?" > 34.. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? > 35.. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket? > 36.. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane > crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?  37.. Why is there an expliration date on sour cream?>> On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. The florist read the card, "Congratulations on your new location." Author Topic: Phobia of the day! Sixpence Arachibutyrophobia: -the fear of peanutbutter sticking to the roof of your mouth. Author Subject: Re: Phobia of the day! (1 of 6) alkaliprincess Will you cover the fear of finding the answer to "got milk?" is no? Author Subject: Phobia of the day! (5 of 6) Sixpence Bromidrophobia: -the fear of smells.

Fun E-mail

*Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

*A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

*On the other hand, you have different fingers.

*Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

*He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

*You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

* I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

*Honk if you love peace and quiet.

*Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

*Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

*It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

*Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

*The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

*It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

*You can't have everything, where would you put it?

* Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

*If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

*Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

*As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

*A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

*Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

*I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

*When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

*Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Humorous Criminals

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

4. THE GETAWAY!

5. DID I SAY THAT???

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

8. THE GRAND FINALE

Thoughts

Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?

Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What's the opposite of opposite?

If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty-dumpty is an egg?

Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

(Bet you sang those two songs above just to see if the tune was the same.)

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

If it's a 50mph wind, and you drive your car 50mph downwind, if you stick your head out the window, do you feel the wind?

Author Topic: a little humor (again) MorningStar99 thought this was cute for all the techies out there: Jesus and Satan were arguing one day over who was the better computer programmer and God was losing his patience so God says "Okay enough let's have a contest and the one who wins is the best programmer!" Jesus and Satan argee and they both start typing making spreadsheets, building programs,making web sites and so on and so on. They are typing as fast as their hands ca type after 4 hours the power goes out in the room. Satan throws a total and complete fit. "No! No! No! Four hours of work and it's gone. What am I going to do? I have an hour left!" He screams. Suddenly the power comes back on and Jesus starts printing out everything he has and Satan keeps typimg away trying to get all his work back into his computer just as Jesus prints out his last program. God says "Time's up!" Satan is furious. "No No No! How can this be I've lost almost everything I typed up. This isn't fair!" Satan screams again. God says "Yes it is Jesus saves!" Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, KY, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. about halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked." Author Topic: I have another one. hehehe Teddybear-90 Subject: A Day in Church with the Kids HOPE YOU LIKE THIS ONE A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five." º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`° A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer." ?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º? After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen." ?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º? A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me", the father replied. The boy thought for a while then quietly said, "Then why do you keep crossing things out?" ?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º? A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" ?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º? After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!" Quotes

If you're in a car, travelling at the speed of light, and you turn on your headlights, do they do anything?

"Reality is what refuses to go away when I stop believing in it." - Philip K. Dick

"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln

"I base my fashion sense on what doesn't itch." - Gilda Radner

"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough." - Unknown

"E-mail is like coming home at night after a long day and finding 70 people in your kitchen." - John O' Donohue

"A good film is when the price of dinner, the theater admission and the baby sitter were worth it." - Alfred Hitchcock

"America is like a melting pot. The people at the bottom get burned, and the scum floats to the top." - Charlie King

"You don't seem to realize that a poor person who is unhappy is in a better position than a rich person who is unhappy. Because the poor person has hope. He thinks money would help." - Jean Kerr

Good Old Jack Handy Quotes

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad" [jackhandey]

Even though I was their captive, the Indians gave me a lot of freedom. I was free to cook, walk around and even throw large stones at their heads. It was only later that I realized they weren't Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers. -Jack Handy

Coke Please

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."

Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

Ponderings

"Christmas Fayre. A good chance to get rid of anything unwanted. Bring your husbands."

"Hymn 2376 I heard the voice of Jesus say ""The collection is taken during this hymn""

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs.Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.

Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The agenda was adopted . . . the minutes were approved. . . the financial secretary gave a grief report.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine: Name: Bertha Belch Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes Meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Will the ladies of the Willing Workers who have towels which belong to the kitchen please bring them to the church on Friday as we need them for supper.

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel...

They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home." Author Topic: "Funny" Church Bulletin Mistakes abigirl Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the Pastor. Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his study. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. While a smile on his face, the Pastor listened as the church choir sang the traditional hymn, “How Great Thou Art,” as the rather large casket of the over 500 pound parishioner was wheeled out of the church. Following this morning’s message will be a pubic profession of faith. A song listed in the Church Bulletin at the Nazarene Church in Little Rock, Arkansas; in connection with a sermon on God’s mantle… “Let God’s Mantle Fall on Me.” Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The Pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.” The choir will meet at the Larsen home for fun and sinning. The song fest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday. The Pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into joy.” Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say, “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you. Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice. The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell on her. Today, Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 PM- 8 PM. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity. Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All” The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the hanging of the Greens. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. Evening massage- 6 PM. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 PM. Please use the back door. Ushers will eat latecomers.' The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. Today’s Sermon: How Much Can A Man Drink? With hymns from a full choir. Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet,‘The Lord Knows Why.’ The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10th & May 11th. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the Church secretary. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some of the older ones. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. Author Topic: Church Stories mochamom ... some collected church humor... The most wasted day of all is that on which we have not laughed. Sebastien-Roch Nicholas Chamfort (1741-1794) French writer! It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his older brother explained. "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, He showed up!" ,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~* One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?" "I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!" ,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~* The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves." ,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~* Little Johnny asked his grandpa how old he was. Grandpa answered, "39 and holding." Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?" -:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~* As Mom was preparing pancakes for her sons, Johnny, 5, and Alex, 3; the boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. The Mom saw the opportunity to teach a moral lesson. She said, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Johnny quickly turned to his younger brother and said, "Okay, Alex, you be Jesus!" ,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~* A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five." -:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':--:'~*~':-,-:'~* During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying until she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing. After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst. "Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if he was still alive." ,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~* The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My Mom is a good cook!" ,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~* "Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked. "I heard him tell Mommy," the little boy answered, "that he would climb the walls if you came to visit."

Think You're Having a Bad Day?

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on; Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

TheDumbest

A Basketball coach and a football coach were discussing which one had the dumbest teams.

"Basketball players are the worst," said the basketball coach, "let me show you." He called over one of his team members, "John, here's a dollar. Now I want you to go down to the car dealership and buy me a Saab."

"Okay," replied the basketball player, and he headed to the dealership.

"That's nothing," said the football coach. He called one of his players over. "Joe, I want you to go down to my office and see if I'm there."

One their way to their respective destinations, the players ran into each other...

"My coach is the dumbest," said the basketball player.

"No, MY coach is the dumbest," said the football player.

"Oh yeah?" said the basketball player, "well, my coach sent me to buy him a car and he didn't even tell me what color he wanted."

"Yeah, well," said the football player, "my coach just sent me down to his office to see if he's there. He has a phone in his office - he could have just called there to see if he was there!

From BWW

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Gender and Political Correctness

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT. :

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

Thoughts on America

1- Zero Gravity

The Russians used a pencil.

Your taxes are due soon. Enjoy paying them.

2 - Our Constitution

3 - Ten Commandments

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

The Most Disguesting Thing I Have Ever Read

Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” Demanded Brian, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter”. Brian was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.

St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. “This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen,how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.

“Never” replies Brian

“Well just relax and let it happen”

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you’re sh*tting on the bed.”

TUESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 10/24/06 at 05:20 AM All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!" 2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." 3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. 4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane" 5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." 9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite." 10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." 12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" 14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt." 15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" 16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?" 18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." 19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways." 20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." 21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine." MONDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 10/23/06 at 05:11 AM Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated,jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart. "Walmart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Walmart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

The Priest and the Little Boy

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?" "That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike. "Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied Mike. ... "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover." -------- ... A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP...BUMP... BUMP... behind him. Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him ...BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...faster... faster... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. He runs up to his door,fumbles with his keys, opens the door,rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...on the heals of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything ... but all he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin... .. and of course....... the coffin stopped! -------------- A man dies and goes to Hell where he is greeted by the devil: Devil: Hey, why are you bumming out? Man: If you died and went to Hell, you''d be bumming out too. Devil: Hell isn''t what you think it is. It's fun down here. Say, do you drink? Man: Sure, I love to drink. Why? Devil: Well, you''re gonna love Mondays then. Because on Mondays, all we do here is drink. Hell, we have whiskey, tiquila, rum, vodka, all the booze you want to drink. We drink til we puke then we drink more. Man: Ah, that sounds great. Devil: Do you smoke? Man: Damn right I do. Devil: Cool! You''re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world. Smoke all you want. You don''t have to worry about getting cancer because you''re already dead anyways. Man: No shit! Devil: You like gambling? Man: Hell yeah! Devil: Great! On Wednesdays, we have gambling night here in Hell. We have slot machines, roulette, craps, black jack, horse racing, you name it, we got it, and we just recently opened up a new pai gow poker table. Man: Hmmmmmmmmmmm, I never played pai gow poker before. Devil: Now you can. You like to get stoned? Man: I love getting stoned! You mean... Devil: That''s right man, because on Thursdays, it''s stoner night here in Hell! Help yourself to a huge bowl of crack, smoke a joint the size of a nuclear sub, do all the drugs you want and you don''t have to worry about overdosing because you''re already dead anyhow. Man: Awesome! I never thought Hell was one swinging place! Devil: Are you gay? Man: Uh, no. Devil: Oooh, you''re gonna hate Fridays! ---- Q: If a big-boobed woman works at Hooters, where does a one-legged woman work? A: IHOP ---- A drunk walks into a bar, has a drink and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $50.00 I can bite my left eye." The bartender says okay, the drunk takes out his glass left eye and bites it. The drunk then says, "I'll bet you $50.00 I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "You're not blind, you're on." The drunk takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The drunk gets himself a bottle and sits down with some fellow drunks and they bullshit awhile. The drunk comes back to the bartender and says," I'll give you a chance to win your money back. I'll bet you $500.00 I can put an empty beer mug at this end of the bar, I'll stand at that end of the bar and I'll p**s and fill up the mug." The bartender, chuckling, says, "You're on!" The drunk gets up on the bar and starts p**sing on everything, the customers, the bottles, the bartender and doesn't get one drop in the mug. Laughingly the bartender asks, "Dosen't it bother you to lose $500.00 like that?" The drunk says no, "I bet my friends $1000.00 I could p**s on you and you'd laugh about it." --- EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc...........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced. "That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put the useless boob?" Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib? ---- An egg and a chicken smoking a cigarette are lying in bed. The egg turns to the chicken and says, "I guess we answered that question." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde is reading a newspaper (I know it's hard to believe) and she sees a headline that reads "Three Brazilian Soldiers Shot Dead." Confused, she turns to her boyfriend and asks, "How many is a brazilian?" ----- Don't get unwound now.... What do you call a middle eastern exotic dancing mummy? -A Gauza Stripper -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This one is sure to make you flush with fright... An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on?" The drunk, still staring down, replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost." ----------- My house is haunted, specifically my kitchen. I’ve got a ghost chicken in my fridge. A poultrygeist. Should I call an eggsorcist? I would have already, but I was behind on my payments, and I was afraid of repossession..... ------ What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi ------ I'll bet it is challeging for a mummy to make a friendship. They're so wrapped up in themselves... ---- What do you call a lonely Korean fish spirit? A sole Seoul sole soul. ----- How to Tell if Your Mobile Home is Haunted 1. A can of Skoal mysteriously floats through the air. 2. Blood drips out of your simulated wood paneling. 3. The eyes on the velvet Elvis painting move. 4. The room is spinning, and you’re not even drunk yet. 5. That car in your front yard isn’t on blocks -- it's levitating by itself. 6. Your dog, Bo, gets sucked into the TV set, and he's blocking your view of rasslin'. 7. That mysterious scratching below the floorboards? The Telltale Raccoon. 8. The chain the ghost rattles is attached to his wallet. 9. You feel an eerie presence every time "Freebird" plays on the radio. 10. The trailer is shaking, but there’s no tornado in sight. More Warning Signs... 11. Your Dale Earndhart bed sheets have eyeholes cut in them. 12. The ghost is completely invisible except for the tobacco juice running down his chin. 13. Mysterious footsteps seem to be stomping out “Achy Breaky Heart.” 14. There's a funny howlin' noise comin' from the corn crib--no wait that's Jimmy. 15. You hear strange moaning—but only during Shania Twain videos. 16. You're missing four PBR's, and the missus only drinks Old Milwaukee. 17. The lights turn on and off even though you paid the power bill. 18. You hear blood-curdling screams, but both neighbors are still in jail. 19. You get a mysterious phone call that says, "I know what you did last NASCAR race." 20. Instead of saying "boo" the ghost says "boo-ya'll!" 21. The veneer of window grime looks just like Calvin... and he's peeing on YOU!! 22. Instead of naked women, your playing cards, all of a sudden, have pictures of covered bridges on them. 23. The folks on Jenny Jones discuss domestic problems that eerily resemble your own. 24. You get a creepy feelin' and it ain't because Richard Simmons is on TV. 25. You come home one day and it's clean. ---------- Can you dig it people? An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down." ----- Here’s one from way back in the catacombs: Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Transylvania.They're driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It's late, and raining very hard. Bob can barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??" "I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him." Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement. He notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch.Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: (Don't page down unless you have a strong stomach...) .......You sure you want to know?....... O.K. You asked for it............... "Master, Master!... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!" ------ The professor was removing organs from the deceased before his students, all the while saying, ". . . and this is the heart, and this is the liver, and this is the kidney, and this is . . ." "What the heck is the professor doing?" asked a student. "Shh! He's giving an organ recital." ---- Just found this article: YOU'RE in the cafeteria, enjoying a salad and minding your own business. Then you see that guy from the office down the hall--the creep who doesn't miss an opportunity to give you grief over your diet--coming your way. You steel yourself for his inevitable dig, knowing secretly that this is a day that will make cafeteria history: The day in which you finally get the last word. Unbeknowrst to El Creepo, you've stashed this handy list of withering comebacks under your napkin. Go ahead, let him have it. He deserves it. Just try not to chortle. Boorish Carnivore: "You vegetarians love to deny yourself things, don't you?" Snapper: "Yes, things like heart attacks, diabetes and cancer." Boorish Carnivore: "Tofu is gross. Snapper: "But 'sliced tongue' has aesthetic appeal?" Boorish Carnivore: "If you ate meat, you'd be taller." Snapper: "If you read up on nutrition, you'd be quieter. One study of children raised on a vegan diet revealed that they had perfectly adequate growth compared to other children." Boorish carnivore: "How do-you get enough protein?" Snapper: "By eating enough food. Protein isn't just in meat--it's in grains, legumes and vegetables, too. Simply eating a varied diet with adequate calories takes care of my protein needs." Boorish Carnivore: "Don't carrots feel pain when you slice them?" Snapper: "Is your pet rock insulted when you forget to walk it?" Boorish Carnivore: Vegetarianism is weird. Snapper: "Not quite as weird as killing animals and burying their remains in your body." Boorish Carnivore: Vegetarian food is too expensive." Snapper: "Sure. Beans are much pricier than steak." Boorish Carnivore: If we stop eating cows, won't they become extinct?" Snapper: "Let me get this straight: I have to kill a cow or it might die?" Boorish Carnivore: If you ate meat, you wouldn't have that cold." Snapper: "If you stopped sneezing on me, I wouldn't have this cold." Boorish Carnivore: Vegetarians can t eat in normal restaurants." Snapper: "Yeah, we're limited to just a few specialized cuisines: American, Italian, French, Japanese, Chinese, Indian, Mexican, Moroccan, Thai...(continue until the carnivore concedes)" Boorish Carnivore: "I'd like to be a vegetarian, but I don't have the time to cook like that." Snapper: "Really? I find that cooking up some 5-minute couscous and sauteed, marinated veggies takes a lot less time than baking a chicken on a Sunday afternoon. I guess I'll have to get my watch checked." Boorish Carnivore: "You re too serious about this vegetarian stuff. My philosophy is live and let live." Snapper: "So is mine." ----------- Re: Things that Hallmark Cards Don't Say -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Congratulations! You've only got the clap, thank god it's not aids stop having sex with strangers and please get spayed ------- roses are red violents are blue, charlie chaplin is dead, his coffin is empty and so is your head! ------- if i were a dog and you a flower, id lift up my leg and give you a shower. ------ roses are blue and violets are red, if you think that, you should examine your head ------------------ Roses are red, violets are blue, I would like to hump on you. ---------- My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~ Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~ How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you .. I've changed my mind. ---------------------------------------------------------- I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. ----------------------- As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me. ################################################## ## Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again. ************************************************** ****************************** Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise. ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// We have been friends for a very long time .. let's say we stop? ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++ I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here. ================================================== === Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep. )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good PAY TUESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 9/19/06 at 05:15 AM A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked "No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," said the woman, " I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight. The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that?" I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting. The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine ! The pastor entered his donkey in a race and It won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it In the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he Ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in Another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he Ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a Nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted The following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, So she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, So he ordered the nun to buy back The donkey and lead It to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: " NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. " The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is....being concerned About public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even Shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying About everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer! A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you are having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably playing golf with his friends One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blind folded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FRIDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 10/13/06 at 05:10 AM One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you." the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also, and bring your family too." They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high." MONDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 10/9/06 at 05:15 AM A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed? "Breast-fed,"she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came Investment tips for 2006.... for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2006. 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. 2. PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker. 3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood. 4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa. 5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP. 6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild. 7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants. 8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW! And finally 9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang George Bush should come with warning label, "Contains less than 3%real presidential http://www.courant.com/news/local/no...2176781.column Good Advice Costs Nothing Colin McEnroe To Wit October 2 2005 George W. Bush should wear a label comparable to the ones on sugary beverages purporting to be "fruit" drinks. His should say: "Contains less than three percent real presidential material." The presidentoid, in an abrupt change of [heart? mind? batteries?], suddenly urged Americans to "drive less" early last week. This is good advice, but it was also good advice when Petula Clark sang "Don't sleep in the subway, darling; don't stand in the pouring rain." It's just good advice that shouldn't be necessary. In fact, as public policy, "drive less" is more of an aphorism, a bit of cracker barrel common sense. It's possible that the president-like being, having squandered his mysterious credibility on a foolish war and a ruinous economic policy, has decided to move in a whole new direction toward homespun sagacity. He may, in the days to come, tell us to wear sunscreen when we venture outdoors and to wash our hands after using the bathroom. A recent, much-touted study of public bathrooms in major cities (sponsored partly by the American Soap and Detergent Association, who have a dog in the fight, obviously) found that men, in particular, are only about 75 percent reliable when it comes to washing their hands. At Penn Station in New York City, where there are microbes recently arrived from distant lands - microbes unknown to Western science and therefore treatable only by folk remedies from their native Laos or Bulgaria - only 64 percent of the men washed their hands after using the bathroom. I don't want to get bogged down in the public men's room, and - fear not - I am a conscientious washer of my hands. Sometimes, in a public men's room, I will even wash other people's hands if I feel they are not taking the whole thing seriously enough. Still, I bet that the advent of urinals that flush automatically because of a light sensor have something to do with the problem. A reasonable person might say to himself: OK, I've tinkled, and so far I have not touched an alien surface. If I wash my hands, I'm going to enter a much more complicated continuum of soap and paper towel dispensers. (Remember those things where you would kind of yank down an endlessly rotating loop of cloth towel. It always seemed that those should bear a sign that read "Don't leave without trying some of our E. coli!") OK, I'm digressing, but so is Bush. Misery, ruin and uncertainty overspread the South and Southwest; the administration is soggy with incompetence and cronyism, the war drags on, Osama is still at large, we borrow more from Chinese banks every day, and his response is, "Could you, uh, not tool around so much?" Oddly enough, even "drive less" - puny though it is - might be more than we can handle. Like the aftermath of Iraq, like Hurricane Katrina, "drive less," this wimpy little Poor Richard's Almanac request, is yet another eventuality for which Americans are not prepared. (Actually, given the current climate of reckless debt accumulation and given the anti-borrowing mania espoused by Poor Richard, if there were zombie justice in the world, Ben Franklin would rise from the grave, stagger down Pennsylvania Avenue and bite Bush's shoulder off.) When you actually ask the people around you whether they're going to drive less, they immediately tell you why they can't. And usually they have a point, because the entire drift of American life has been to turn us into a highway filled with broken heroes on a last-chance power glide. Our kids and our jobs and our houses and our shopping places are inevitably 20 to 40 minutes away from one another, and we've always been told there was nothing wrong with that, as long as we don't mind being car-centaurs, torsos sticking up out of rich Corinthian leather. It's an insane way of living, but, underlying it is an even more insane psychological premise, best articulated by Ari Fleischer in 2001: "...the president also believes that the American people's use of energy is a reflection of the strength of our economy, of the way of life that the American people have come to enjoy." Fleischer spoke these completely crazy words just a few months before terrorists flew our airplanes into our buildings. Make no mistake, those terrorists have one overarching goal: the overthrow of the regimes that currently run Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Jordan and the Arab gulf states. And they went after us because we support those regimes. And why do we support those regimes? To stabilize the world oil supply so that we can continue to "enjoy" sitting on clogged interstates and squandering our weekends behind the wheels of automotive leviathans that get 100 blocks per gallon. We could have spent the last couple of decades imposing tougher fuel economy standards and switching to cars that run on pig poop and French fry oil. We could have built more public transportation and changed our land-use policies so that people live and work and shop and play in walkable multi-use neighborhoods. But we didn't. So we have to drive less. But we can't. Now go wash your hands. Bird flu is coming. Copyright 2005, Hartford Courant When Terrorists' Stupidity Leads to Arrest BY DANIEL PIPES October 4, 2005 One would think Mahmoud Maawad, a 29-year-old illegal immigrant from Egypt living in Memphis, Tenn., would lay low and stay out of trouble. But no, he defiantly did just the opposite. He used a fake Social Security number to open a bank account, arrange for household utilities, and enroll at the University of Memphis business school. He worked off the books at a convenience store and in early 2005 sold alcohol to a minor, for which he was arrested. And then, in mid-2005, he ordered $3,300 worth of airline-related goods from Sporty's Pilot Shop, including such items as an airline pilot's uniform, a flight gear bag, a radio communications handbook, and an instructional DVD titled "How an Airline Captain Should Look and Act." To top it off, he placed the order on an overdrawn credit card. Sporty's, not surprisingly, informed the FBI about Mr. Maawad's order and federal agents searched his apartment in September. There they found flight simulation software and detailed information on Memphis International Airport. Mr. Maawad was then indicted for wire fraud and fraudulent use of a Social Security number. While it's far from established that Maawad had terrorism on his mind, his actions are sufficiently suspicious to enroll him as an honorary member in my newly created "Stupid Terrorists Club." He joins plenty of others: * Mohammed Salameh, the terrorist who returned to the rental agency in 1993 to retrieve the $400 deposit he had paid on a truck subsequently used to blow up the World Trade Center. His penny-pinching lead to his own capture and that of several other bombers. * Zacarias Moussaoui, thought to have been the would-be 20th hijacker of the September 11, 2001, attacks, was sitting in jail on that date because his disheveled and impoverished appearance at a flight instruction school was so discordant ("there's really something wrong with this guy") that two of its staff phoned the FBI. In April 2005,Moussaoui pleaded guilty to six counts of conspiracy to commit terrorism. * Michael Wagner, an African-American convert to Islam associated with Al Qaeda, did not wear a seat belt and that got him stopped by the police in July 2004 near Council Bluffs, Iowa. His car contained "flight training manuals and a simulator, documents in Arabic, bulletproof vests and night-vision goggles, a night-vision scope for a rifle, a telescope, a 9mm semiautomatic pistol, and hundreds of rounds of ammunition." * Zaynab Khadr, accused by Canadian authorities of having "willingly participated and contributed both directly and indirectly towards enhancing the ability of Al Qaeda to facilitate its criminal activities," returned to Canada in February with a computer chock full of documents that the authorities say "provide insights into the tactics, techniques and procedures" of Al Qaeda and other groups. * Sami Ibrahim Isa Abdel Hadi, 39, was stopped in May for tailgating in Ridgefield Park, N.J. When a police officer called in Abdel Hadi's North Carolina license plates, he learned that Abdel Hadi had been ordered deported to Brazil in December 2001 and is listed in the FBI's National Crime Information Center database. Even more alarmingly, he had a valid temporary identity card permitting him to paint the George Washington Bridge (a high-profile potential terrorist target). * When an accused Los Angeles terror gang, the Assembly of Authentic Islam, needed money for arms, it robbed gas stations rather than obtain funds legally. One of its holdup artists dropped a mobile phone during a June robbery, which the police retrieved and used to unravel the plot and arrest the conspirators. Other famous dumb terrorists include Yu Kikumura, a member of the Japanese Red Army whose odd behavior prompted a search of his car at a New Jersey Turnpike rest stop in April 1988,turning up three powerful bombs. Or Timothy McVeigh, apprehended in April 1995 after bombing the Oklahoma City federal building that killed 168 people because his car lacked a license plate. Counterterrorism is a difficult business, so it is fortunate that terrorists often act dumb. Why can't they keep out of trouble until the big day? In part, because terrorists, like other criminals, are usually not the sharpest knives in the drawer; and in part because their ideology and hatred cause them to disdain the enemy, leading them to take unnecessary risks. As a result, the rest of us are a little bit safer. Mr. Pipes (www.DanielPipes.org) is director of the Middle East Forum and author of "Miniatures" (Transaction Publishers). URL: http://www.nysun.com/article/20938 Why Men are Happier...... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5,000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier. Fold maps And to think - it all started with Columbus, and the poor darlings have been lost since. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy buys a dog, and every day when he came home from work, the dog would always run to the door excitedly to greet him. After several years, the dog would still faithfully greet his master at the door, but he would do so more and more slowly until one day the dog stopped greeting his master at the door.

So the guy figures that this is unusual behaviour and that the dog might be sick. He finds the dog, who appears to be sleeping, and takes him to the vet. The vet looks over the dog for a couple of minutes, then announces that the dog is dead. The man is upset and says, "he can't be dead! He was just fine yesterday! Is there some way I can get a second opinion?"

The vet thinks for a moment, then walks out of the room and comes back a couple of minutes later with a cat. He sets the cat on the table next to the dog. The cat looks at the dog, and slowly approaches it and sniffs at the dog. The dog doesn't move.

Then the cat slowly raises a paw and takes a couple of swipes at the dog's nose. The dog doesn't move. The cat climbs on top of the dog's side, yet the dog still doesn't move. Finally the cat digs its claws into the dog's side to make a bed for itself, then sits down on the dog and starts purring. However, the dog doesn't move.

The vet says, "Yep... you're dog is dead alright. That'll be $500."

The man says, "$500?!?! For what?!?!"

"Well, it's $50 for the doctor's fee, and $450 for the cat scan." --------------------- I guess you could say Valerie got what was coming to her! The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. "No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he ;had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked. The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina." "I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance." The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer

13 Reasons to Smile

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

WEDNESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 4/5/06 at 05:06 AM

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Say Partner

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

MONDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 4/3/06 at 05:04 AM

A woman takes home her lover during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: "$750"

Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that SHIT again, you're in my closet now.

Elderly Having Babies...

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

'May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded.

"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE I forgot where I put him."

The Sensitive Man...

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

The Husband Store ...

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the Building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

TUESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 3/28/06 at 05:05 AM

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said... "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

re: TUESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 3/28/06 at 05:15 PM

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who ! says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has his way with her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

TUESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 3/21/06 at 05:03 AM

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Kenny "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

Apples & Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are easy to reach. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the SHIT out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

WEDNESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 3/15/06 at 05:08 AM

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting stewed. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."

Man: "So what happened that is so horrible?" Farmer: "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over." Man: "That's not so bad, what's the big deal?" Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."

Man: "So then what happened?" Farmer: "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. Man: "Again? So, what did you do then?" Farmer: "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right." Man: "And then what?" Farmer: "I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail. Man: "Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."

Man: "So then what did you do?" Farmer: "Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

MONDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 3/13/06 at 05:11 AM

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

1. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A DOG, YOU IDIOT!

2. Blaming your “gas attacks” on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9.Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss here!!! You don't see me picking up your poop do you ???

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT ... THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell Except for maybe "Go To Hell".

What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.

MONDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 2/20/06 at 05:55 AM

An elderly couple were attending a church service. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, " I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

WEDNESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 2/15/06 at 05:07 AM

Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes."

After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it?"

Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. It's past time he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"

"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."

So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruthie! Ruthie! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease affecting the gentiles."

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes. (You MUST read them out loud.)

1) That's not right ..................... Sum Ting Wong 2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Ding 3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao 4) Stupid Man ............................ Dum Fuk 5) Small Horse ......................... Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach? ........... Wai Yu So Tan 7) I bumped into a coffee table ......... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni I think you need a face lift ........... Chin Tu Fat 9) It's very dark in here ................... Wao So Dim 10) I thought you were on a diet ............ Wai Yu Mun Ching 11) This is a tow away zone ............... No Pah King 12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao 13) Staying out of sight ................... Lei Ying Lo 14) He's cleaning his automobile ........... Wa Shing Ka 15) Your body odor is offensive ............ Yu Stin Ki Pu 16) Great ................................ Fa Kin Su Pah

THURSDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 2/2/06 at 06:49 AM

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge asked, " What is it? "

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

TUESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 1/31/06 at 05:10 AM

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

Elton, why couldn’t you have stayed calm for once!

And with reviews how they are now

Elton, listen to me. Just write new material. Before it’s too late…

You can still win the Tony

I know-

Such a bad reputation,

There still is time

Why can’t you understand

You think your work is done

Why don’t you care

Unlimited…

There’s no prize it couldn’t win

Well? Will you do it?

I hope you’re happy

I really think it’s crazy

It’s not all about you—It’s not! It’s not!

I hope you fix it!

Look at it, it’s opened! Yay!

…out of town!

Critics don’t mourn the flops

Town!

THURSDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 5/18/06 at 05:09 AM The 1st Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" ----------------------------------------------------- The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!" --------------------------------------------------- The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, Schwartz is dead!" ------------------------------------------------------ The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said," pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied," the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us too. No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing." ----------------------------------------------------- The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here." ------------------------------------------------- The 6th Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, "his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work." WEDNESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 5/24/06 at 05:09 AM A wealthy Italian businessman named Vito went to Rome just to see the Pope speak. The Pope came out on the balcony and spoke to the huge crowd. He said that war was evil and instructed everybody to pray for peace. Afterward, the Pontiff went down amongst the people and walked around. Hoping to meet the Pope, Vito had dressed in an expensive silk suit. Most of the crowd had dressed their best too, except for one man in particular who looked very dirty and wore threadbare clothing. Strangely enough, the Pope only stopped and spoke to one person as he ambled through the street; the filthy man who was dressed like a tramp. After saying something to that man, he went back inside. A subsequent announcement said that the Pope would make another speech tomorrow about poverty Now Vito was a great fan of the Pope and had come a long way in the hope of meeting him. Suddenly, Vito got a great idea. Vito approached the tramp who had met the Pope, and asked him how much he wanted for his clothes. The tramp could not believe his luck, and gladly sold Vito his worthless outfit for a couple of hundred bucks. The next day, the Pope gave an impassioned speech about poverty and how hundreds of thousands of people were dying each year because of it. The Pope asked all Catholics, the world over, to help as much as they could. Afterwards, the Pope walked amongst the crowd again. Vito stood there, dressed in his shabby attire. His heart skipped a beat as the Pope walked towards him. He was never more excited. Finally, the Pope arrived right in front of Vito! The Pontiff leaned forward and said into Vito's ear: "I thought I told you to get lost yesterday?!" MONDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 6/26/06 at 05:36 AM Women's Ass size study: There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty interesting: 1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big. 2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small. 3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway. MONDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 7/17/06 at 05:13 AM Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc. The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?" "Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!" One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate a s fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." THURSDAY MORNING CHUCKLE Posted On: 9/7/06 at 05:16 AM When Dan found out that he was going to inherit a fortune when his father died, he decided that he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman that he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "But in just a week or two, my father will die, and I will inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much smarter than men! Funny Things Overheard in New York or Theatre Related. C/o BWW (In Progress) These are posts made by vairous people on BWW

I think I posted this one before, but I started eavesdropping halfway into this conversation during intermission at Chita's show. Young girl: Shut up! I'm Chita Rivera's sister. Woman in her 50s in front of her: Sister? Please. Maybe her granddaughter. Young girl: You just don't know greatness when you see it. Woman: Please. Young girl: What do you know about theatre? Woman: More than you. Young girl: At least I live here. Where are you from? Jewish, New Jersey? Woman's friend: Jewish, New Jersey? Woman: I live in the Upper East Side, I'll have you know. Woman's friend: (laughing) Jewish, New Jersey. #1: Well, what's the other choice? #2: Dead CLAM? I don't want to see a movie about a dead clam! My friend Stef and her mother were coming into town from Florida to see Three Days of Rain. Stef was worried that her mother might be a little confused with the three actors playing 2 different characters each, so she emailed her mother a description of the play. The next day this phone conversation took place: STEF: "So Mom, are you clear on what Three Days of Rain is about?" HER MOTHER: "Yes, of course. It is about Hurricane Katrina victims." "Barefoot in the Park with George." made me do a spit-take. I went to a restaurant and this lady set at the next table and was talking very loudly about all this stuff and you could tell that she thought of herself as "Mrs. Cosmopolitan" and she asked the waitress for another one of cookies that were on the table and the waitress said (very loudly) "Can we get some more coasters at this table, a lady has just eaten a coaster!" Caller: Hi, is this Broadway New York? Me: Yes it is. Caller: I'd like to buy tickets to a Broadway show. Me: Unfortunately we're a retail store. We sell the merchandise from the shows but not tickets. If you tell me which show you're interested in, I can give you the number for the box office. Caller: So this isn't Broadway? Me: Well, this is a store. It's located on Broadway. But we don't sell tickets here. Caller: Well, I called the operator and told him I wanted to call Broadway, NY [author's note: note the comma] and this is what I got connected to. Me: That is the name of our store. Caller: But you don't sell tickets. Me: No. Listen, if you tell me the name of the show you want to see, I can get you all the information you need and you can always order tickets online. Caller: I don't have a computer. Me: OK. That's fine. What show were you interested in seeing? Caller: "The Color Purple." Me: Great. If you hold one second, I can get you the # to the theatre's direct box office. Caller: Wait...is has it's own theatre? Me: Yes... Caller: But there's so many shows playing. Where do they all fit? Me: Each show plays in it's own theatre. It's not like a cineplex. Caller: Wow. OK. So where is "Color Purple" playing? Me: [realizing where this is heading and muttering "Oh ****" under my breath] It's playing at the Broadway Theatre. Caller: I know it's on Broadway! What's the name of the theatre? This isn't excatly from an audience member, but we were listening to random music in Marine Bio class and "On My Own" from Les Mis started to play(It said this on the computer screen) one idoit said ; "I don't know who Less Mizz is ,but they really suck." During high school, our theatre teacher instructed us to read a play and do this project over it. Whatever. Easy as pie. The only catch was that the teacher assigned which play we would have to research. One of the students was assigned THE GOAT, OR WHO IS SYLVIA. She got excited because she thought she was given a choice between the two. The people around him were rather confused - especially as we were very close and could hear the actors actual voices. He got so paranoid about this he was getting upset and pointing out the "wires coming out of the backs of the actors, that is so unnatural" - it made him very agitated. Amy Spanger's wire especially bothered him as it was "taped to her bare back and you can see the box". It really upset him. The woman beside him told him it was microphones but he wasn't going to have any of that. Gershwin Theater, 10 minutes before curtain: TOURIST #1: (opened playbill--looking at the 'One Short Day' photo of WICKED from back when the show had just opened.) My God, look at the blonde. She's popping out all over the place. TOURIST #2: Wait--which one is she? TOURIST #1: Glinda. TOURIST #2: Oh. So do you think that's purposeful? TOURIST #1: Yeah. Just look at her. No way those jugs are real. More from the Gershwin: TOURIST MOM: Here we go! TOURIST GRANDMA: Wait--what is this show? TOURIST MOM: Wicked, Ma. It's like the Wizard of Oz. TOURIST GRANDMA: The what? TOURIST MOM: The wizard of Oz, Ma. You know, Dorothy and the witches? TOURIST GRANDMA: That's the show? Didn't they do that already? TOURIST MOM: Yeah, but this is different. I think it's about the wicked witch before she dies. TOURIST GRANDMA: Oh my goodness, she dies? How does she die? TOURIST MOM: I think she gets shot. Gershwin Theater Lobby: TOURIST MOM: Oh dear. That girl everyone was talking about--the one playing the witch-- is not going to be on tonight. We're seeing her understudy. That's a shame, isn't it? TOURIST DAUGHTER: What? Why? What happened? TOURIST MOM: They're saying she fell through the floor. TOURIST DAUGHTER: She what? Well, no wonder they asked her to leave! How does anyone fall through a floor? Gershwin North Lobby (some point in 2005, WICKED replacement cast; nearly all roles are being played by understudies at this specific performance): TOURIST (looking at the CD at the merch counter): So these are all the songs from the show? ME: Yes, they're all on there. TOURIST: And this is the cast we're seeing right now? ME: No, the cast on the CD is the original, Tony-nominated cast. TOURIST: What? That's ridiculous. Where is the CD with this cast? ME: We only have one CD, sir. TOURIST: So who the hell sings the Popular song on the CD? My daughter loves the Popular song. ME: Kristin Chenoweth. TOURIST: Who the hell is that? ME: The original Glinda. She left the show in July, 2004. TOURIST: Are you trying to rip me off? I am SO not paying for a CD of people who were kicked out of the show. ----------------- i saw the last performance of dracula on broadway. rushed it, front row center. i had never seen it before, but there was this older man sitting next to me, that had seen it like 20 times. i knew i was in trouble when i sat down and he said, "are you so excited? i love vampires!" i just smiled. then for the entire performance, he kept clapping at inappropriate times. basically, he clapped whenver anyone used a verb. and at the end of every song, he would just scream "yay". just screaming. people kept staring at us. i think they thought we were together. at the end of the show, he turned to me and said, "that's why i love vampires" and started to get all weepy. true story. swear to paula abdul. ------------------- In line at the Marquis Box Office to pick up my 'Drowsy' tickets. A bunch of girls talking about whether or not to see this show. Girl #1: I hope this show is good, can't wait to buy tickets. Girl #2: I bet it's really funny. Girl #3: Guys, I think we should see WICKED. Have you ever heard of it? [Insert whatever the name was] saw it and said it was AWESOME! Girl #1: What's it about? Girl #3: It's like, a ghetto version of Wizard of Oz. I hear they rap and stuff. Girl #2: We should totally go! *All 3 leave the line* -- ---------- The "Color Purple" story is totally the pride and joy of Broadway New York but we always laugh at the several people who used to come in everyday looking for the "Fiddler" CD with Harvey and Rosie on it. When someone would explain that there's a CD of this production but it has Alfred Molina and Randy Graff on it, they get all offended. When someone explains that the CD isn't re-done everytime there is a cast replacement, they inevitably say, "They don't have it here. Let's check at the theatre." Every. Single. Time. Someone once asked for a CD of the current touring cast of "Chicago" too. We've also had to explain a lot that there aren't DVDs for most shows. People come in looking for movies of "Wicked" all the time. ------------- During the WICKED tour, after Fiyero said "It's just--you've been galinda-fied" then my friend next to me began to laugh hysterically "hahah! Thats not a real word!" ----------- Walking out of a HAIRSPRAY matinee (said by an elderly tourist to her husband: "That woman who played the mother was a horrible singer" Husband: "I agree, and her bust size was too big to be a mother" ...whatever that means. ---------------- Overheard this as the lights came up at the beginning of A CHORUS LINE: "Uh-Oh!! They're still rehearsing. Don't they know the curtain is up??!?!" -------------------- wicked tour stage door: victoria matlock (elphaba standby) comes out and there is obvious leftover green makeup all over her hands and neck, she is standing next to emily rozek who played glinda girl: Which one of you was the like green one? --------------- Last night at Hot Feet by the 10 year old girl in back of me: "Make them stoooooooooooooooop" (I am not kidding) ---------- At Phantom of the Opera... Old Lady to her husband: Oh look! This guy looks just like Lon Chaney. Oh right! Some ladys at the club were talking and they said it was his grandson. "pointing to Howard in the playbill" ------------- This was at "Wicked" back in february 2004 with Menzel and Chenoweth. 55ish WOMAN BEHIND ME: (looking through her souvenir program) Wow, how dot hey make the witch green like that? HER COMPANION (also 55ish): (while looking at the picture) Ahh..must be a mask! ------------ I took my mom to see AVENUE Q: She opens up the playbill and a slip falls out saying that tonight there will be a understudy for Gary Coleman. After the show- Me: Did you like the show Mom?? Mom: I loved it...but i'm really sad that Gary Coleman was out tonight! And to think, his understudy was female! ------ At a performance of FOSSE a woman in front of me, with her fingers in her ears, yelled to her companion: "Oh my....it's way too loud....go in the back and tell them to turn it down!" --------- He didn't budge. couple of great ones at Sweeney. Someone was reading Patti's who's who and went OMG she's on Passions!(the playbill mentioned the concert Passion) I love that show! What character does she play? --------- More Sweeney..."what's a revival?" --------- And the worst, I heard about this audience member who was convinced and trying to convince everyone that the actors weren't playing their instruments--he kept telling everyone about the hidden pit or something. --------- This I overheard at a regional theatre, a conversation between two old women: "You know what I heard is really good though? It won the Tony. We should see it." "Hmm, okay. What's it called?" "Umm, let me think. Oh yeah. Slamalot!" ----------- Finally a conversation with my sister...I guess I should give her credit for knowing a little bit... Me: "Hey, I just rented the movie Hair. Do you want to watch it with me?" My sister. "No, I don't like Harvey Fierstein." ------------ 1) At the kerr on January 15, 2006. Up on the BLACONY (the one where you lean over) before th show. WOMAN BEHIND ME: (sits down and makes no effort to move her body from its straightforward condition) I can't see! ME: You have to lean over--- WOMAN: (without trying to lean over) I can't see!!! (Then, she left) ---------- 2) Here's one I hear A LOT: "How can they have so many shows on Broadway? They must have a big theatre!" ------- 3) Another one: "How can they have a show in L.A or Boston while it's in NY? They must be tired!" --------- 4) "Why are there two Christines? That's stupid!" ------------ When I was @ Sweeney, a group of teens were behind me reading the Playbill. They misread (misunderstood?) Passion to be the tv series Passions!! They were like "that's why she looks so familiar! what character did she play?". Oy, poor Patti! ---------- At the theatre I work at...I hear some funny things. Like at our production of "Annie"... Older Women: The poor Andy just wanted a mother and father. Older Man: The thing with red hair? I thought the bald guy and her had an affair... No joke. --------- Ah this ones good...reading my CHILDREN OF EDEN Cd. Girl: Stephanie Mills was Eve and Mama Noah right? Me: Yeah. Girl: Go figure. Miss Mills gets to play TWO major roles. Thats what you get when your daddy owns a huge regional theatre... I almost died right about then. --------- When David Mamet's "Speed the Plow" was on Broadway with Madonna, it attracted a whole slew of newcomers to the theatre. One evening, a busload of tourists were over 45 minutes late to the show. After the final curtain, they remained in their seats until the House Manager came down and asked them what they were doing. "We're waiting for it to start again so we can see what we missed until we came in!" Not the movies folks... ----------- When my old high school did Kiss Me Kate, we overheard one of the girls in the audience telling her friend that it was written by Shakespeare. ------------- So, I'm in the hallway at school and here this two random kids talking to each other. Kid 1: Man, why do all the black kids have to be getting into these gang wars and bring guns and knives to school. Kid 2: Hey, that's racist! Kid 1: Yeah, well we're all sorta racist. Kid 2: Hey, that's the name of a musical! Kid 1: Really? Kid 2: Yeah, I was listening to my friend's Ipod and it went to a song about rascism and said it was from a musical called "Everyone's a little bit racist." Kid 1: What was it about? Kid 2: Racism, I think, but it was really funny, I remember that. Kid 1: Cool, maybe we should go see it one day. Kid 2: Yeah, it sounded really good! ------------- My friends at Godspell at a regional theatre... Friend 1: Hey, whats GODSPELL about anyways? Friend 2: Maybe God. Friend 1: What about the spell? Me: Oh my God... Friend 2: We've already figured that one out, Mackenzie! ------------ Oy vey and I actually knew them... This wasn't by a tourist, but I had brough "Broadway: The American Musical" into my musical theater class at school... So we get up to the part where they show clips from the Tony Awards for La Cage. When they show the red Tony logo onstage, this kid in my class turns to me and says: "Oh Tony! That's a good show!" I just about died! I hate it when people act as if they know everything when they're clueless ----------- My friend Alex is ridiculously dumb. We just saw Wicked last week, and after the show was over: Alex: "The sound system was really bad. I mean, I could only understand what Glinda and Elphaba and that guy whose name starts with F, and the Wizard and that old lady and the sister and the munchkin dude and the teacher were saying, I never heard the other people's lines. Their mikes must not have been on." Me: "WHAT?" Alex: "The people who sang in the beginning, and danced and everything, I never heard them say their lines!" Me: "Alex, that's the ensemble. They don't have individual lines." Alex: "Well, God, what's the point of having a bunch of people up there if they aren't going to say anything? Oh, I know, are they just the people who really wanted the main parts and didn't get them, so they snuck on stage?" ------------- And this was after the conversation in which he asked me if the list of songs in the playbill were the different acts. I told him those were the names of the songs in the show, and he said "Wait, they SING in this? They don't sing in the Wizard of Oz movie! Wait, this isn't the same story?" --------- I was standing outside the Broadway Theatre a couple months ago, looking at the marquee and photos, and these two women tourists (one was wearing a fanny pack) were walking by. One of them stops, looks up at the marquee and says to the other, "Oh, look, it's Oprah Winfrey Presents The Colored People." The other one stops, looks up and says "Oh wow" or something to that effect, nods, then continued to walk on by. Now obviously the woman misread the marquee. I can understand misreading a marquee, but to not recognize the name of the American classic novel or, in their case, the movie, "The Color Purple", or to think that Oprah Winfrey would produce a show called "The Colored People"? Oh dear. That was quite a moment. --------- sitting behind us at the original production of Les Miz.. Man: Does this show have a happy ending? Woman: I am sure It does..after all, it's on Broadway! ------------ Well, our school (a Creative and Performing Arts high school) was going on a trip to New York. On the third night of the trip we were scheduled to go ice-skating at Central Park but if we got a slip igned and tok money we were allowed to go to shows on our own. By now, I had been a fan of RENT for several years but never had been able to see it live so I was very excited to have the chance to finally see it on my own. So I discussed this with a girl in my chemistry class and she said "oh, why bother? no one good will be in it besides maybe Jesse L. martin." I stared at her. Mind you, this was in February of this year. THe fact atht the girl was a MUSICAL THEATER major and thought that it was possible that Jesse L. Martin would still be playing Collins on Broadway was absolutely mind-blowing to me. ------------- WALKING BY THE RODGERS Boy: So this is a musical about the Disney movie? Man: Yes. Boy: What about all the gorillas? Man: I'm sure they're in cages. Boy: On stage? They can do that? Man: Well this is Broadway, they can afford anything. ----------------- This is something I came across online- about the Wicked tour: I'd love to see the tour cast again myself. I've essentially already seen the Broadway cast, because they were the ones on tour last year -- would love to see it again What does that mean? The Broadway cast was on tour last year? ----------------- Woman: What does the Q in Avenue Q stand for, I wonder? ---------------- I saw the producers, and heard a family of 2 teen boys and a mom talking at intermissionL: Teen Boy 1: That was prety funny, I don't really like musicals but that was funny. Teen Boy 2: I didn't like those gay chracters, like are those guys really gay? Mom: Well they must be, they didn't seem straight to me at all. -------------- "Some of the lyrics in Halloween don't make sense like when he sings "how did we get here, how the hell--Pam left.." who the heck is Pam and why did she leave?" (from Rent) ---------- Teen girl: Did you know all male actors on Broadway are gay? Mom: Of course! Otherwise they wouldn't be on Broadway- they'd be a lawyer or something. ----------- OVERHEARD WHILE WALKING DOWN BROADWAY: Woman: (looking at Lestat billboard) Oh, dear I think you would love this show. Man: Really? What's it about? Woman: I think it's about Zorro. ----- Outtatown Girl: (to me, her amateur tour guide) Is this the Broadway all the songs are about? --------- Just today as I was leaving after a performance of The Water's Edge, 2 elderly ladies (60s or 70s) were talking about the play, "... I don't know what happened! Suddenly there was a naked man in the bathtub!" ------------- While this is probably more annoying than hilarious, there were 2 competing camps at the Faith Healer stage door: [Imagine screaming teens] "You were GREAT in Harry Potter!" vs "You were wonderful in Schindler's List!" ------------- WOW, I keep coming back to read more! Anyway, I found one more I could think of.. I was seeing "Man of La Mancha" back with my theater company and my sister came with her boyfriend, who was in the company, well, my sister's boyfriend's brother was seeing his first broadway show (or show for that matter) and when my sister passed him a playbill he went: Brother: Oh my god is this a playboy?! Me: No, it's PLAYBILL, it's the programme for the show. Brother: Oh man, I was disappointed. SisBoyfriend: I'll buy you some when we get home... --------------- At the stage door for Wicked in Boston, I overheard a group of high school students shout when some ensemble members came out: "Hooray for the extras! We love the extras!" ----------------- Mine's also a little different, it has to do with my mom. So we won front row center lottery tickets for Wicked last November. We were right behind that conductor who has bushy, curly, black hair, you know him? He's been there since it opened. Anyways, Mom and I were talking to him. He's telling us stuff like why he didn't like the RENT movie, and how Idina picked him to be the conductor at what would have been her last show, etc. So I'm looking at my Playbill, and my poor mother is just chatting away with this guy. Suddenly, he goes, "excuse me one second," and he turns around, gives a nod to the orchestra, and starts the show! My mom was holding him up from starting the show! She gave me the weirdest look, she was so mortified. And even worse, the same thing happened at intermission! We have this feeling now that the orchestra members were looking at their watches while my mom was yapping, going, "Who the hell is he talking to NOW?!" ----------------- Picked up this bit of conversation at a performance of Gypsy last year. Three elderly ladies were seated next to me. Just as Bernadette triumphantly finished the first act and the house lights came up, one of the women pierces the silence in the theatre by barking: "My synagogue put this show on last year. Our rabbi's wife played the lead and, quite frankly, she was much better than that Brenda Peters woman." Is that not rock bottom? The theatre gods should smite her. -------------- Happened at Brooklyn on Kids Night on Broadway Mother- Honey, do like the show? Little girl- No mommy. I hate it. I wanna go home Mother- Why sweetie? Little girl- There's no bridge in this. I like bridges --------- This was after Wicked in Detroit last Saturday. The show had ended and everyone's lined up to leave the theatre. This mom and her two kids, looked about 7 and 5 are standing in front of us. 7-year-old: Mom, I don't get it, why was the wizard her dad? Mom: (glancing at my friend and me) Well, um, honey, her mom didn't like her daddy very much, so um...(glancing nervously around some more) At this point my friend and I are trying very hard not to laugh. 7-year-old: and? Mom: Well, she didn't like the dad very much but she liked the wizard alot and (long pause) ...she had an affair. 7-year-old: (looking embarassed)oh. 5-year-old: Mommy, what does that mean? Mom: Um... ---------- Hairspray....in Dayton, Ohio Old Man: So whats there show about? Woman: I think its about a fat girl whose mom is a drag queen and has bad hair OLD MAN: So? Woman: Well the hairspray was magical and turns the mom into a woman --- I actually heard a mom after Wicked in L.A. who was doing the same thing, her 7/8ish year old daughter was doing the "what's an affair?" bit, and mom was all "it's when mommy goes out on a date with someone who is not daddy." My Aunt after Lestat: "I just kept waiting to hear Elton John songs and they never came!" At DRS: Man: (looking at souvenir programs) Should we buy one of 'em? Woman: No! We get a miniture one at the seat! Man: Oh, right. Summer 2005 at the TKTS booth. A husband and wife in their 50's standing in front of me.... Wife: Oh look! They have Movin' Out tickets here. I really want to see that! Husband: What's Movin' Out? Wife: It's a revue of Billy Joel's life. There's only two people in the show, Billy Joel and Twyla Tharp. Billy sings while Twyla dances. It's been performing in front of sold out houses ever since it opened. Husband: WOW! That sounds amazing. I'm surprised they both have been performing with the show so long, considering how famous they are. I couldn't help but correct them. They were very disappointed after finding out the cast was made up of amazing dancers and amazing musicians. The husband asked me "Why would people pay to see that?" (This was not in New York, It was when I was wearing my Rent shirt to Target.) A Cashier: Oh did you like seeing Rent. Me: Yes I loved it I have seen it many times. A Cashier: Oh Taye Diggs is still in the show right. (This next one was I was going to see Rent at The Fox Theatre in ATL.) One Girl: Oh I know this guy was in the movie (Point's to Jessie in the souvenire program.) Another Girl: No she was. (Points to Idina in the program.) One Girl: Well who do you think was in the movie? (Says that to me.) Me: Im sorry nobody was in the movie.) Another Girl: No I'm positive it was her. Me: I am positive she was not. One Girl: Ugh yes she was. Me: You can just believe what you want to believe. At Broadway Under the Stars, while Manoel Felciano was singing, the women next to me had a conversation: Woman 1: He's Patti LuPone's son. Woman 2: Really? Woman 1: Well, in the play that they're in he plays her son. Later, about Sutton Foster: Woman 1: What did they say she's in? Woman 2: The Sleepy Chaperone? Woman 1: Oh, yeah, I think you're right. Yesterday, at Phantom: Tourist Woman to Me: When is Madonna going to be in this show? Tomorrow, right? one thanks to my mommy... after Tarzan ends... Mom: That was fabulous. Its gonna win everything! Me: The tonys were 2 weeks ago, it was nominated for one thing and lost. Mom: Oh. Well, next year. Taken from one of my friends. Teen:I wonder what "Hairspray" is about? Mother: I think its a sequel to "Hair". Friend: We'll have to have a party when "Wicked" is on the Tonys! Me: Is already been nominated, that was last season. Friend:Oh....well when is "Movin' Out" going to be on? Me: that was a few seasons ago. Friend:What? Then I went on to explain how Broadway works in seasons kind of like our community theatre. The only reason she knows about "Movin' Out" is because she is a dancer(and a great one at that) and its a dance show, and yes, "Wicked" is one of the VERY few musicals she knows. I've got a few more I just thought of... When I saw Wicked back in February 2005, the people in front of me were discussing JLT and swore she could not be Glinda because she wasn't blonde. They found Megan Hilty's headshot (back when she was the stand-by) and were convinced she was Glinda. I was sort of annoyed and wanted to lean in and correct them but I left well enough alone. A non-theatre person asked me which shows were nominated for the Tonys this season, and when I told her, she asked, "No Phantom? Why not?" (I guess this is a kind of common mistake amongst non-theatre people.) This one still makes me nuts, and this was exactly two years ago. During the intermission of The Boy From Oz, a friend of mine turned to my other friend and said, "Don't you think it's funny they wrote this story where Dorothy was Liza Minnelli's mother and then Liza married a gay guy?" I was mortified. When the Rent tour came to Toronto in May there were some overzealous highschool kids sitting behind us. They had I Luv Rent painted on their faces and clothes. They were really loud and obnoxious and one guy in particular was really irritating me. He was explaining to all his friends where everything was going to be staged in a know-it-all manner. I eventually tuned him out and later overheard "What?? You mean it's not the same as the movie?" This kid who was so in love with Rent didn't even realize that they were two separate things and he knew nothing about the show. I just burst out laughing. At the TKTS line yesterday: WOMAN: If you can't get six seats together, just buy four. They'll let the kids in if we say they'll sit on our laps. At Doubt yesterday: 2 Girls (about 13?) sit down at the other end of our row and ask the older couple next to them: Do you know what this play is about? We just randomly bought tickets at TKTS My favorite was my friend and I seeing RENT. Her: "Wow they must be really tired." Me: "I guess. Yeah it's tiring." Her: "How do they learn all those lines and songs?" Me: "Ummm... well they rehearse and do the show a lot." Her: "Oh. So what show are they doing tomorrow night?" Me: "Excuse me?" Her: "What show are they doing tomorrow?" Me: "What are you talking about? They're doing the same show." Her: "What? No. They have to perform the other shows in this theatre tomorrow." Me: "No they don't. All these people that were just in this show are in the same show again tomorrow. Other people are in different shows. There are more than one Broadway theatres." Her: "You mean every show performs every night? In different theatres?" Me: "YES." My sister saw The Wild Party in 2000, and she she said there were these two middle aged women who were so excited they were getting to see Mandy Patinkin... Woman 1: Mandy Patinkin is in this! Woman 2: Really?!I've heard she's FABULOUS. At Drowsy last Saturday night: Woman 1 Behind Me: Who is this Sutton Foster girl, I've never heard of her? Woman 2 Behind Me: Oh, I think she was on some sitcom a while back. Woman 1: Really? Woman 2: Yes, I'm almost positive. I don't really remember what show, though... Woman 1: Oh, well it says here she was in "Grease"! She must be good! Oy...I guess the Tony Award/nominations don't validate her talent at all...and wouldn't a sitcom be mentioned in her bio??? Boy to his parents while looking at the auction set before Phantom: "Oh, I know this--I read the book. This is going to be the scene when he's first born and the chandelier lights his face on fire." Dialogue with my friend a few months before Les Mis left town: Me: "You just saw Les Mis?" Him: "Yeah." Me: "I'm actually seeing it for the first time in a few days." Him: "Oh, then definitely make sure you see the one at the Imperial Theatre. That's the one I saw and it was great." What's most depressing is that this is a person who has lived in New York all his life and has seen many Broadway shows... I went to see the Les Mis tour last night (best touring production I've seen in quite some time). This comment is courtesy of my mother, the woman who many years ago started my theatre obsession. Me: Wow, that was a great production. Mom: Yeah, that guy who played Jean Paul was wonderful. Me: You mean Jean Valjean? At Hairspray last night Women 1: What's Avenue Q about? Women 2: It's cute. It's a musiacl with puppets, but the puppeteers are on stage too. Women 1: Oh that sounds nice. I should take Emily. Her last day of kindergardent is tomorrow. Women 2: She would love it. "Legendary aprocryphal story of the Rialto: two postmenopausal women from Lawn-Guyland standing outside the Winter Garden Theatre: Matinee Lady A: 'Have you seen CATS?' Matinee Lady B: 'No...' Matinee Lady A: 'Well, I'll tell you what happens. There's a bunch of cats, and one of them is real sick and tired. So the other cats put on a show to cheer her up. Then they put her on a tire and shoot her through the roof." ---From "Broadway Musicals, The 101 Greatest Shows of All Time, by Ken Bloom & Frank "Broadway's first show for the tired Japanese businessman. CATS baffled experienced Broadwayites but struck a chord with prepubescent girls, school trips from places that didn't have their own thee-ay-ter, and a few other people---we're not sure who, but it certainly ran. And ran. And ran..." Idiotic conversation I heard while walking out with the crowd after FOSSE... WIFE: Can you imagine doing that show? Boy I'll bet they're tired! HUSBAND: Tired?!!? Honey, they only work 2 hours a day!! When I saw the "Hairspray" tour in Miami back in March, I was front row center and a very nice elderly couple was sitting next to me. They fell asleep during "Good Morning Baltimore" and woke up sometime later, around "I Can Hear The Bells." During intermission: Elderly Woman: Well that is just... very.... interesting. Are you enjoying it? Me: Very much so. Elderly Woman: Oh yes.. that woman playing the mother of that fat girl is a HOOT! Me: Ma'am.... the mother is played by a man. Elderly Man: (obviously having hearing issues) A WHAT?! Me: A man sir.. Elderly Woman: *laughs* Young man, I think I can tell the difference between a woman and a man... it says right here in the Playbill that it's played by... JP something or other. I am sure that stands for Joanna Paula or something quite lady like. Me: *laughing* Whatever you say.. Elderly Woman: Now wait just a minute... let's ask someone. *talking to the conductor* Sir! Sir! Conductor: Yes? Elderly Woman: Was the actor playing the fat girls mother a man or a woman? Conductor: The character of Edna is played by a man, ma'am. Elderly Woman: Well I'll be damned... I KNEW it was a man! Those perky breasts were just too good to be true! Not an overheard conversation but I found this to be ...amusing. While picking up my tux for this year's Tony Awards, the lady in the store that was helping me congratulated me on my nomination. I was wearing my Color Purple T-Shirt. I almost thanked her just for the heck of it! During ALL SHOOK UP, a week before it closed. At Intermission Man Next To Me- This show is good Wife- Where's Elvis? Its good, but where's Elvis. I mean its his music While exiting the theatre, a girl said (regarding Tobias) "They should have adopted him." (They meaning Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett.) Perhaps they didn't notice that Mrs. Lovett's affection for Tobias was completely fake and the Todd and Mrs. Lovett refered to killing him once or twice. Oh! I remembered one! At Wicked intermission, a girl talking to her boyfriend: "I like this show, but it reminds me a lot of The Wizard of Oz." I almost lost it. I watched "Kiss of the Spiderwoman" with Chita on a Dec. 26th performance. These two older ladies seated in front of me say after the first act, "Boy, that was a cheery holiday musical!" Heard at Inishmore last night, not necessarily funny, but head-scratching: "Well, I'm part Irish, but I just don't get it." I was doing a show with a teen and we were discussing broadway. He said Teen: do you like Wicked? Me: Yeah. It's good. Teen: I LOVE Wicked! ....AND RENT! Me: Yeah they're good! So do you like Norbert Leo Butz in DRS? Teen: Who's he? Me: He played Fiyero. Teen: Oh! I LOVE Idina Menzel!!! Me: She was good in Wicked. Teen: SHE WAS IN WICKED!?!? WHO'D SHE PLAY!?!? Me: Elphaba. Teen: Who's that? Someone in the chorus? Me: NO! She's the main character! Teen: Oh! Me: You like Joel Grey...The Wizard? Teen: Oh Yeah! Me: You like him in Cabaret? Teen: What's Cabaret? Last year I saw The Producers and sat 2nd to last row mezz. I couldn't help but notice the guy inback of me talking loud with a heavy German accent. He was talking to the person next to him and said "Excuse me- do you know what this show is about? I was told at "TKTS" that it was THE show to get tickets to" (I obviously don't remember the ENTIRE conversation but I know he added somewhere there that he was from Germany). So my dad turned around histerically laughing saying "Boy are you in for a surprise...." Boy: That girl was green! Lady: I know! It must have been very hard to find an actual green woman, it's not like it's paint! I just burst out laughing and made it seem like my mom had said something funny! I should have said something like, "it is paint you idiot! Look in the playbill, is Julia Murney really green?!?!?!" Like seriously why would someone think that! At The Touring Version of Phantom of the Opera in Dayton, OH. Man: Phantom of the Opera...I've never heard of it. Friend: You've never seen Phantom? Man: I don't think. What is it like? Friend: Well...it's kind of like Scooby Doo. A couple of times when I saw PASSION there were some very interesting remarks made by audiences during the opening scene featuring a very naked Marin Mazzie. My favorite was from a not very whispered elderly couple: SHE: "I can see her NIPPLES!" HE: "Oy, can you see her cooter?" Last week at The Water's Edge (overheard by two ladies behind me chatting before the show started): Woman 1: Have you seen Sweeney Todd (she asked this about almost every show out there to her friend...W1 had seen none and W2 saw them ALL)? Woman 2: Yes. W1: What's it about? W2: Well.... W1: Is it a love story? W2: No......yes, yes it was. W1: Oh, that's nice. W2: Yes, about meat pies. I was at Spamalot (this was in September 2005, the Saturday before the BC/EFA Flea Market) and there was a family sitting behind me (mom, dad, and 2 boys). The father slept through much of it (he was softly snoring), but at the end of the show, as we were all leaving, this guy is going "I can't believe Monty Python hasn't sued these guys---it's such a total rip off of the Holy Grail" I've told this story before, so forgive me if you've heard it before: Many years ago I was standing on line at TKTS and there was a Texan who was blabbering about his experiences in NYC to anyone who's listen. He told me that "New York is a great city but it has too many HOMO-sexuals." I grew livid but kept my mouth shut. Moments later he was asking for advice about what show to see. He specified a show that had "good family values". I finally opened my mouth and told him the only show he should see is LA CAGE AUX FOLLES. I assured him it's all about what it really means to be a family. (Anyone who has seen the show will agree with me.) He had trouble pronouncing the title, so when he got to the window, I lingered to help him purchase 4 tickets to LA CAGE. Oh, how I wished I was in the theater that night!!!!!! Overheard two people talking 1: Can you reccomend a show that's family friendly? 2: Well Avenue Q's got puppets... 1: Puppets are family friendly.... Again at the TKTS line: Two women sensed that I knew something about theater and they wanted to know if Leonardo DiCaprio did his own singing in TITANIC: the musical. As wicked as I am, I assured then he did, but warned them that he didn't do his own dancing. also enjoyed the elderly women sitting behind me at Wicked when they stopped the show because Idina fell -- Woman #1: Is this a publicity stunt? I think she did it on purpose. Woman #2: I think she got shot. Don't be insensitive. After the Little Women tour today: Girl #1: I wonder if they made these songs up. Girl #2: Well, I bet there have been other plays of Little Women, so they probably just took the songs from there. Sitting in the theater at intermission next to a couple with two VERY YOUNG kids (too young to appreciate or even understand the Producers). Kids are scarfing down candy and chips and dropping crumbs and M&Ms everywhere. Dad: I was shocked to hear all the cursing. Mom: I guess they think it's OK because it is New York. No one cares here Dad: Yes but with little kids in the audience? Mom: Yes, you'd think they would watch their language when they see kids in the room. My baby brother, whom we took to see CATS when he was five. Brother (in a whisper): "Who feeds those cats? They're big." was stuck next to this guy during Sweeney and he made a comment to his bored girlfriend who had no clue what the show was about about how he was in a production of Sweeney as well as Godspell. Both written by Stephen Sondheim. After buying my tickets for Spelling Bee I walk out of the theatre and two women walk by Woman 1: Why is there a Speling Bee on broadway? Woman 2: Maybe it's a show? woman 1: No it's not! I know of EVERY show on broadway and THIS is NOT a show! I guess it's a once a year thing with a school! I think there's a Putnam in Brooklyn! On watching EVITA the Musical - audience member: Aud 1: Oh Jesus they're singing? Its not going to be all like this is it? I enjoyed the film and there wasn't singing in that. Aud 2: It's an Andrew Lloyd Webber. Aud 1: Yes, OK, but why does he have to ruin it with singing? Aud 2: Its a musical. Aud 1: Doesn't mean you have to sing. One woman on her cellphone after coming out of Light in the Piazza: "No, I didn't like it as much as Chicago. They put the orchestra under the stage." Clearly the hallmark of an inferior production I work at Jersey Boys and last Sunday I was selling a CD to an elderly woman and her friend.. the woman who approached me first said that she wanted the jersey boys cd. so i put it in a bag for her and handed the CD to her, taking the cash... and her friend walks up and goes... "now wait a minute, i don't want the show on cd. i want the songs" and i was like "well the original broadway cast recording is a recording of all the songs in the show" and she's like "but i don't want this performance. i don't want to hear the applause and stuff" i assured her that it was a studio recording... she said she still didn't understand but she trusted me because i looked like a nice young man... hahahhhaa, that's what she thinks. A couple of months ago at Wicked before the show in the line for the bathroom. Student-What show are we seeing Ms. (don't remember her name)? Teacher-I don't know, but, I'm really excited. Student-All I know is that there is something to do with green people. I've never heard of someone a green person, maybe an orange, but never green. teen 1: you've only seen the movie right? teen 2: yeah, are there any differences? teen 1: yeah, there are a few new songs and Angel's death is different. In the movie he dies in the hospital, while in the stage version he dies in an orgy. RENT: "What happened to the nice girl in the red dress?" HAIRSPRAY, intermission: "When does Harvey Fierstien make his entrance? I thought he was starring in this." And, perhaps, to me...the be-all, end-all of audience confusion: An elderly married couple seated on the front row of a local production of Hair. Pop obviously hadn't turned up the hearing aid enough, because he constantly had to ask his wife about what was going on. Hand to God, the exchange during Sodomy: Actor: Sodomy.... Pop: What did he say? Ma: (just above a whisper) He said Sodomy. Actor: Fellatio.... Pop: What? Ma: (getting irritated) Fellaaatio! Actor: Masturbation can be fun.... Pop: (louder still) WHAT? Ma: (near full shout) MASTURBATION CAN BE FUN!!!! Stopped the show. My dad and I were walking past Spamalot...... (My dad looking at the marquee) Him: Oh god! Me: What? Him: I always thought Monty Python movies didn't any taste....now I know I'm right! Me: What do you mean? Him: COME ON! It's a musical about SPAM for god's sake!!!! Today I went into Starbucks wearing my Wicked t-shirt. Woman behind counter: Oh, did you see Wicked? Me: Yes. Woman: Yeah, I saw it in London. Really? Pretty impressive since it hasn't opened yet. At Gypsy, the girl in front of me was crying through all of Rose's Turn because she thought Bernadette Peters was going to strip. A girl walking past a sign for Les Mis: Oh, my school did that last year. It's some Spanish musical. first off, i was a nyc tourist when this incident occured but not a stupid one like this woman. at the color purple stage door where i was getting my window card signed: woman: where did you get that poster me: i bought it at the merchandise stand woman: did you take that off the wall? me: no, i bought it woman: how much did you pay for it? me: i don't remember. i bought a lot of things. i didn't really pay attention to how much they cost woman turning to my mother (she didn't know it was my mother):she knows how much she paid for that. she just don't wanna tell anybody. that woman had bought her program from the same stand i bought my window card from and still proceded to argue with me... "He looks gay..." Regarding Manoel Felciano at the beginning of Sweeney's performance at the Tonys. Like any good Sweeney fan, I threw a pillow at his face. I just saw Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris. Drew Sarich,who is in the show, has two tattoos that are visible at one point during the show. They are rather sexy. While exiting the show, I heard a lady say "Honey, you should think of getting a tattoo like that. Maybe I would find you half as acctacitve as I found that fellow" His response "I'll think about it". I had to trun around and see what person said this. She clearly could have been my grandmother! And she said that statment very matter of factly. No laughing. My sister saw her first Broadway show at fifteen. We were sitting in the fourth row, and when the actors came on stage, she smacked me so hard and said, rather loudly... "Oh my god they're LIFE-SIZED!" I don't know what she was expecting, but apparently not real people on stage. Last year in my World History and Civilizations class, we were holding a mock debate over affirmative action. Our teacher gave us papers showing articles and whatnot over the pros and cons of AA. There was a sentence that read something along the lines of: "Students with higher ACT and SAT scores should be more qualified to get into college rather than those of a different race..." My guy friend Sam called over to me. Sam: Liz, are you graded on your acting? Me: ...What? Sam: Are you graded on your acting? Me: What's that supposed to mean? Sam: Don't you get an act score for ever play you do? Me: ...Um... no. Where'd you see that? Sam: On this paper. (I read the paper.) Me: That's ACT score. My most favorite however is this.. Woman: Look! Its the Naked Cowboy! Woman #2: WHAT! Is he completely naked? Why the hell would he be walking around the streets of New York naked? Woman: I dont know, maybe he's whoreing himself for money. I don't think he has a job. Woman#2: He's horney himself for money? What kind of perverted town IS THIS? get this one a lot: Tourist: "Excuse me, do you know where Green Witch village is?" I was in Avenue Q last week standing in line to use the bathroom, and the woman in front of me was shocked not only to hear that it wasn't the real Gary onstage but that it was, in fact, a woman. I remember one from a late nineties performance of RENt: (When Angel just died) - "Wait a minute - they all have AIDS?" - "Pretty much. Some are just hookers." - "What does AIDS do again?" - "It's like the flu but you can die." Good job, ladies. 2 girls around early twenties- Girl 1- So do you like it? Girl 2- Yeah I mean I wasn't a big theater fan but some of this music is just gorgeous. Girl 1- I know right? I have been the biggest Sondheim fanatic for like ever. Girl 2- Is he still alive? Girl 1- I don't know...probably not...maybe that's why they're having this. Old Man- Yeah we're not from the area...this place is just so gorgeous. It's exciting Old Woman- Oh yeah Chicago is great and we have a lot of theater. Old Man- Really? What would you reccomend? Old Woman- oh um i don't know we have Wicked and Spelling Bee...I liked both of them quite a bit. Old Man- eughh I HATED Wicked. Old Woman- really?? why? Old Man- It was like a bloody opera! You couldn't understand a word any of them were saying!! Old Woman- Oh yeah I know what you're talking about...they should really have subtitles made me smile My new favorite smart aleck comment that I overheard at The History Boys. I could go on and on about that audience!: Woman: Do you like it? Man: Yeah... it kinda reminds me of a ... play. A sad moment at DRS today for Norbert and Jonathan's last: At intermission Woman near me: I don't understand why they're all getting applause and how I've never heard of any of them. Me: Well, it's Norbert and Jonathan's last day. Woman: Oh. Everyone seems to love that Buzz(dunno if she meant to say Butz or was referring to the character's nickname). What else has he been in? Me: Wicked, Last 5 Years Woman: No, no. I mean what has he been in that everyone here knows him from? Me: Umm...Broadway. Woman: No, what did has he done in TV/movies that everyone here knows him? Me: Nothing of importance. Just Broadway. Woman *pauses* Oh, I get it now. Thanks. As I walk away... Woman to her friend: He's a well-known comedian, he did this big stand up show on Broadway like Whoopi did...that's why they know him. I was at Limited Too today to buy a gift for the little girl I babysit. I was talking on my cell phone, and happened to notice they had the Wicked soundtrack on display. I said to my friend on the phone, "Oh my gosh- even Limited Too is selling Wicked now." A little girl heard me, and then showed it to her mom and started begging her to buy it. girl- Mommy, I heard this is soo good- I REALLLLY want it. mom- ok, but wouldnt you rather me buy you the dvd instead of the cd? (mind you there was no dvd on display) girl- I WANT BOTH! Me- they dont make it on dvd mom- oh well, then I guess I will have to take her to go see it. I heard the local high school is putting on a production of it next month. me- the rights to perform it haven't been released yet. girl- see, mom, we HAVE to buy the cd mom- no, honey. this girl doesnt know what she's talking about. I saw the dvd at target. Last night at Sweeney, two very loud girls two rows behind me who seemed to know Elisa Winter who was on as Johanna: Girl #1: What did she say her mother gave her? Girl #2: A reticule. Girl #1: What's that? Girl #2: It's like a bible. Todd Sweeney, eh? Was that anything like Opera of the Phantom? Because that was a damn good play. At "Fame Becomes Me" in Chicago (in a theatre full of non-regular theatre go-ers): Lady #1: "Oh look *points to page in playbill* Jersey Boys!" Lady #2: "Oh yeah, that looks good, it's about baseball players, right?" --me, dying of silent internal laughter. On the NPR show "What do you know?" There was a question about "Urinetown" and the woman on the phone was trying to make sense of it and making up a story about "You're in town" I suppose I may have overheard a number of stupid comments from the audience at times. Still, as an actor, the ones you hear at the stage door or spoken loudly from the audience are sometimes the most insensate or opprobrious, and yet you dare not risk laughing or snarling at the poor boobs. This while performing in a show a few years ago: The curtain rose and I made my entrance along with several other actors. I opened my mouth to say my first line, only to be outdone by a woman in the front row who gasped, and shrieked loudly. "OH MY GOD. THEY ARE ALIVE". I didn't have to worry about breaking up since the entire orchestra section of the audience began to laugh at the poor ignoramus. While working in another show, I was approached by a gentleman at the stage door and asked why I was 'putting on' that British accent on stage when everyone knew I was an American. I counted to 10 and patiently explained that I was playing a role that required an English accent. I asked if he had noticed that all the other actors on the stage were also speaking with an accent. He waved a hand at me to dismiss the comment and said "Yeah, but they ARE English. You shouldn't pretend to be something you aren't". My answer: "You've got a point! Guess, I'll have to get another job" I'm not sure he GOT IT. :) Audiences! Ya gotta love em'. After all, they pay my salary! During the WICKED lottery, a mom to a 3 yr old kid that is crying "come on honey, you'll love this play it has dorthey (sp)and toto in it! remember the yellow brick road?" A really obnoxious family was sitting behind me at "Spamalot" last week. Before the show: Boy: (In reference to the drawbridge-like curtain) I wonder if that thing is going to rise. Father: What "thing"? Boy: You know.. that... thing that is hiding the stage. Mother: Well why would it rise *name*? It is hiding all the things we aren't supposed to see. *mumbles under breath* Idiot. During intermission: Mother: Wow, the sound system here is great. I wonder what they use to make the actors sound so loud! We should get whatever that is at home! Boy: Microphones? Mother: No you nitwit. The sound system. How can they afford such a great one? Can we get one? Father: Perhaps because "they" are backed by millions of dollars and charge upwards of a hundred dollars per ticket, where as we are backed by a middle school and charge upwards of four dollars per ticket? Mother: Oh shut up. You don't know what you're talking about. They also had a rather rousing debate over whether the fake names and bios in the Playbill were real or not. I couldn't help but laugh... The other day I had someone try and convince me that all tickets to every Broadway matinee performance were half off. Just the matinees. And not through TKTS or anything, she thought that you just could go to any box office and get matinee tickets for $50 for any show. Okay, a new story: This year, my high school did Fiddler on the Roof for our spring musical. We got rave e-mails to my choral director's inbox and she posted them up on the door. One of them was from our football coach. Moore is the last name of our Tevye. "Amazing show, Karen! Those kids are extremely talented. You work wonders with them. Keep up the good work. Coach Gilbert p.s. Who taught Moore that butt-jiggle dance?" I about pissed myself when I read that. Football coaches... At Wicked: "Gee, Elphaba looks totally different in person than she does on stage" To David Garrison: "Lady: Who'd you play? DG: The Wizard. Lady: No you didn't. Who'd you play? DG: The Wizard. That's my picture. See?" Then the first time I saw Sweeney there was this whack job guy who was screaming at 7PM that we'd never be in our seats in time for the first act. Then at the stage door he asked every actor to go get some pie with him. He thought he was a riot. nobody else did. Old lady to her husband as they were coming out of Wicked: "This reminds me of that show we just saw, CATS." At Les Miserables tour last month: Before show: Woman 1: Oh, I'm so excited! Woman 2: Oh, me too! I've been waiting to see this since it opened on Broadway 4 years ago! It's Andrew Lloyd Webber's newest musical. Woman 1: Didn't he produce [sic] Cats and Phantom of Oprah? (that's what it sounded like) Oh, and I think he used to be casted as the Wizard on Broadway in Wicked. Woman 2: Oh, I know! He does everything! I saw him as the wizard on when Wicked came here last year, and oh, he was wonderful! During Prologue: Woman 1: I can't believe it! That's Andrew Lloyd Webber right there! (pointing at Valjean [Randal Keith]) Oh, my, he has such a rich voice! Woman 2: I heard there was no actor who could play the part to satisfy him, so he got the part for himself. Woman 1: Really? He must be really self-conceited. Right after One Day More!: Woman 2: Wow, that was amazing! Woman 1: I totally agree with you! I'm surprised there's no standing ovation. Woman 2: Some people think it's rude to give a standing ovation in middle of the performance, so they do it at the end. Woman 1: Oh, hey! Look! (points at Rent ad in Playbill) They're showing movie of Rent here! Woman 2: Isn't this theatre a bit too big for movies? Woman 1: Oh, never mind. It's a live show. It says "Live" on it. Woman 2: Oh really? I loved Rent! That girl.. um... Kristen Chenoweth, I think, played a lesbian girl and it was really touching. Woman 1: Oh, I've heard many great things about her! I had to go to the bathroom, so I left the spot. It amazes me how people just agree and tries to act like he/she knows as much as the other person... To this day I find this hilarious.... During SWEENEY TODD intermission: Woman: Pies? Do they plan on serving people in their pies?! Man: No, honey, I think it's a metaphor. Woman: Oh... So what do you think of it for now? Man: [extremely long pause] I haven't understood one word that bald man has said. I forgot about this one. This was spoken by a friend's mother who is the epitome of New York Jewish woman (now living in the Mid-west). "So we saw this musical CATS, and its about a bunch of people who dress up like kitty cats and they sing and they dance, and, well, thats not the story. The story is these cats get together once a year to pick a kitty to go to kitty heaven. So they pick this old cat who used to be a whore. At the end she sings this big song, and they blow her through the roof." I just got home from the final Les Mis tour show. After it was over, the middle aged man next to me turned to his wife and said: "Well, it wasn't Mamma Mia!" I stole this from Overheard in New York and thought it was funny. Little girl, holding Phantom Of The Opera playbill: Mommy, were those two people married? Mother: What two people? Little girl: Those two people who kissed. Mother: No. Those were actors. They were just acting in a play. Little girl: But then outside, I saw them hug. Mother: I think they were just saying, "Good job." That's how they say, "Good job." Little girl: Well, I saw them kiss so they better have been married! Sister: Patti LuPone? I've heard of her! Isn't she going to be Elphaba after Shoshana leaves? "OMG, one time I saw this musical Les Mis and it was so bad! All they did was like sing, THE WHOLE TIME!" When telling a coworker of mine that I was going to see Evita in London she said" Oh, I know that play , isnt that the story about a blonde girl and her microphones?" At Wicked, when Elphaba gives the Grimmerie to Glinda at the end, and says "Oh Elphie, you know I can't read this" (ya know, because it's in a ancient language taht only ELPHABA can read as they said 184901 times). Lady next to me: "HAHAHAH!! she can't read!" I don't know if this is really funny, but it was amusing as I was waiting in line to get into the Eugene O'Niell Theatre for Sweeney Todd this past Thursday. very young boy: *looks at Patti LuPone's picture on the stage door* Is that a man or a woman? very young girl: ummm It seems like her name is Patti, it must be a she very young boy: No, it can't be! She's too ugly to be a girl. very young girl: No, I'm pretty sure that's a woman. very young boy: She must be TRYING to look VERY ugly then! Also, the parents that were with these kids were talking about how their friend "Honey" got them these great seats for this great show. woman 1: This looks kind of bloody and scary *looks around at the marquee* woman 2: It's ok, Honey always picks the best shows to take children to. Going to see Ave Q. a few months ago and there was this couple in the lobby down from the mezzanine talking and chatting it up! The first guy says This show is Hilarious! Second guy says yeah, do you know when Gary Coleman left the show? Not really an audience moment but funny never the less....after Sweeney Todd Pattii comes out and is signing things and taking pictures.....she gets into this convo with this lady goes a lil' something like that Patti: oh yes I know where that is My mother is from there and lived there Woman: Who is your mother? Patti:My mother is....my mother you dont know her Woman:Who is she whats her name? I wonder if i have ever met her Patti:No Im sure you havent *continues signing playbills* Woman:*becoming insistent*Who is your mother I know everyone in(whatever town it was) Patti: *in a tone only patti can give* My Mother is dead I'm sure you dont know her lol HAHHAHAHAA The lady looked like she had been verbally punched in the face it was hilarious! I just got back from my aunt's house (we went up to New York to see Avenue Q) and I was telling my parents about the show. I told them it was a spoof on Sesame Street and there were puppets in it. Mom says, "You saw a puppet show? They were in puppet costume?" Puppet costume? Okay... Overheard tonight at Jersey Boys Person 1: "Wow, did you know this was a book first? the show was based on a book." Person 2: "Really?" Person 3: "Yeah, look it says right here under music and lyrics by...book by." I laughed so hard; don't think they knew what I was laughing at. When I saw Spamalot in June, this guy behind me slept through the whole first act. His wife yelled at him during intermission and he promised to stay awake the second act. It was pretty bad for those around him because the wife was just insulting the heck out of him.(We also had a problem with a couple that kept on making out during Act 1. This is Spamalot, imagine their behavior in a romantic musical. eek). Dirty Rotten Scoundrels was interesting as well. Norbert Leo Butz was out so we saw his understudy. Besides there being signs in the entrance that say Norbert's out AND little papers in the Playbill that say he's out, there were so many people who opened their Playbills (meaning they should have seen the slips of papers) during intermission and said "This Norbert guy is very funny!" and "Yes, he won the Tony for it". Haha and a lady in the bathroom who kept on saying his name, over and over again, pronouncing it different ways. "Norbert Leo Butz. Nooooooorbert. Leeeeeeeeo. Buuuuttttz." I also had the pleasure of sitting next to a guy who was quietly singing songs from Aida during the show. Amazing how "Great Big Stuff" sounds mixed in with "Dance of the Robe" lol. Cluelessness at Mamma Mia today: Girl to her friend outside the theatre while looking at the cast photos: "I know him from somewhere--is he an actor or something?" (I didn't know Broadway cast members weren't actors...) Dumb blonde to her mom while discussing other shows: "What's 42nd Street? Is that like Miracle on 42nd Street?" I was at a party the other day and we were talking about RENT. Friend: I like Idina with blonde hair better. Me: What? Friend: She had blonde hair when I saw her. Me: I can assure you that Idina Menzel has never had blonde hair. In the movie and every picture you will ever see of her it is almost black. Friend: Oh, well, the Maureen I saw here (in Atlanta) had blonde hair. Me: Yeah, well that was the tour Maureen. Not Idina. "I loved The Producers! I saw it with Nathan Hale and Broderick Crawford!" A new favorite of mine, from a conversation with a dining companion: Girl: I loved the Rent movie. Idina was great in that. Me: Yeah....she's....good. Girl: I loved the Original Cast of Wicked, also. Kristin Chenoweth was great! Me: What did you think of Idina in that? Girl: What do you mean? Me: Idina was in the original cast of Wicked. Girl: She was? I saw Wicked in San Diego today, and the lady next to me was making hilarious comments the whole time! At the beginning of the show, she said, "This is the Wicked TOUR? I didn't know there was a tour." I told her, "Yes, it is a tour. The New York show didn't leave New York." She then replied, "Oh, so are we seeing the Broadway cast or the tour cast?" She then proceeded to read every single name and character in the Playbill out loud, and kept saying "alFALba." When she got to the Wizards character, she said, "Oh, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz! I forgot this show is about the Wizard of Oz. Thats why the character Glinda sounded so familiar. You know, I have actually never seen the Wizard of Oz movie before." This lady was like 60- how has she never seen the movie? its a classic! And if she hasn't seen it, how does she know who Glinda is? Phantom walk-in, yesterday night: Little girl: What's that show? *points across the street* Mom: Oh, that's The Producers! There's almost no singing in that show, though - you wouldn't like it. "Keep it Gay" must just be a monologue. I got this from a friend who saw Liza in Victor/Victoria while Julie was on vacation! Announcer: The role of Victoria, usually played by Julie Andrews will be played by Liza Minnelli. *everyone cheers* Man sitting next to my friend: *to his wife or girlfriend* Who's she? Woman: She was in the Wizard of Oz! Man: Oh! I'd still rather see Julie Andrews, she was in Bedknobs and Broomsticks! My friend was buying tickets at the ticket window for "Grand Hotel" as a tourist with suitcases at the ticket window next door tried to book a room for the night. at the next to last performance of DANCE OF THE VAMPIRES, i heard this lady tell her friend on the way out of the show.."How Wwonderful! this is going to play for several years" The following occurred at The Drowsy Chaperone last week: Resident NYC Idiotarian: "Sutton Foster won the Tony Award for this role." Dumb Tourist: "She did, oh yeah, I read that somewhere too." Resident NYC Idiotarian: "Yes, it was her third win. Sutton also won for Wicked" Dumb Tourist: "We are seeing a real star tonight" Resident NYC Idiotarian: "Right, the only other three time winner was Ethel Merman." walking through time square: person 1: ooo lestat! that looks really good! person 2: yea i heard it was good. its the one about the 2 witches. person 1: i think so. lets go get tickets. at the drowsy chaperone, there was a paper saying that there was a new "Swing Member" lady next to me: oh dear. husband: whats wrong. lady: it says they have a new swing. i hope they know what theyre doing, because swing is a hard dance to learn. My friend told me this one. She was at Spelling Bee and Dan Fogler was out. Some girl at the stage door had this conversation with Dan's understudy (Forgot who it was) Girl: OMG! You were fantastic! Understudy: Thank you! Girl: I saw you win the Tony. I'd feel so great to have a Tony winner sign my playbill! Understudy: Well, I'm not Dan Fo... Girl: Oh! Look! Can you sign please Mr. Fogler, Celia just came out! The understudy signed the playbill and kinda just rolled his eyes. Border's Books and Music has a kiosk on the grounds of the Ravinia Music Festival. They were selling virtually all the available recordings of GYPSY on the evening I was there. One 30ish guy picked up the Angela Lansbury CD and turned to his partner and said, "Get a load of this! Angela Lansbury playing a stripper! What a hoot!!!" I almost smacked him. At the Wicked stage door, after a night when Eden went on for Idina: Girl #1: "Oh My God! Idina just signed my playbill!" Girl #2: "Um, I can't really read the signature, but I'm pretty sure that's an E" Girl #1: "Yeah, she changed the spelling of her name. She was born E(pronouncing the "eh" sound)-dina." At the RENT performance on the Today Show last summer. The cast comes on stage. Mother in a family of four: "Hey, isn't that the green girl?" After Into The Woods: Man: "The play definitely should have ended after the first act, when everything was all happy!" Me (under my breath - um, that's kind of the point of the whole show...) I just read in last Sunday's Parade magazine, a guy writes in and asks, "I heard a revival of A Chorus Line is coming back to Broadway. Are any of the origianl performers going to be in it?" That's sad, just.....sad. uring The Wedding Singer after Rosie has called Linda, a skanky ho: Little Girl- Mommy, what's a skanky ho? Mother :in complete panic: It's a uh, a very FRIENDLY person. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I dig hot women and I dig hot art, so when I see a hot women who digs hot art, I say hot diggity"."- Chad, All Shook Up. "If I ever die, do me a favor. Go on Oprah and tell the world that I loved kittens"- Veronica Mars "Who wants to be a skinny pencil? I'm happy being a magic marker!"-- Natalie, Facts of Life. "I want a job where I get to stand around and imitate Broadway actors."- wickedrentq "Growing up, I was the only boy baby-sitter around."- Cheyenne Jackson, my Idol. Avatar:Me & Jenn Gambatese- She holds my heart. 3> thanks rob the roustabout kid. that made me smile.--- cheyenne (i made Cheyenne Jackson smile!) ALL SHOOK UP love is FOREVER reply to this message StephenSondheimWHOO Understudy joined: 4/1/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/30/06 at 12:46 PM frog and toad one of the reprise's of snail with the mail at the beginning a little kid screams out NOT AGAIN not great but its the best i could do i needed to bump up the funniness reply to this message mikem Featured Actor joined: 8/5/04 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/30/06 at 12:59 PM On the train to NYC: Teenage Girl #1: Have you heard of "A Chorus Line"? Teenage Girl #2: I've heard of it, but I don't really know what it's about. Teenage Girl #1: Well, it's like the movie, "The Breakfast Club," but instead of detention, they're at an audition! Teenage Girl #2: Really? Teenage Girl #1: Yeah! And there is A LOT of dancing! reply to this message bignoise Swing joined: 7/3/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/30/06 at 01:12 PM Call me stupid, but what the is a BUMP? I feel like I'm supposed to know, but I have no clue. reply to this message Jon Broadway Legend joined: 2/20/04 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/30/06 at 01:23 PM BUMP just means that the person is posting on this thread in order to bring it back to the top of page one. reply to this message mominator Broadway Legend joined: 4/10/04 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/30/06 at 01:40 PM Wasn't the Bump a really bad dance as well? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One hotel room in NJ for the weekend $250 Six front row tickets for two Brodway shows $600 Watching your daughter get dragged up on stage by Patsy.... Priceless! Frodo failed! Bush has the Ring! reply to this message bignoise Swing joined: 7/3/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/30/06 at 01:54 PM Oh, haha! I thought BUMP was some kind of insult. reply to this message WindyCityActor Broadway Legend joined: 11/13/03 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/30/06 at 01:58 PM Said to me by one of my aunts during the intermission of "The Phantom of the Opera" "Do you have any idea what's going on?!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again." - Marin County newspaper's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz" reply to this message WindyCityActor Broadway Legend joined: 11/13/03 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/30/06 at 02:00 PM Said to me by one of my aunts during the intermission of "The Phantom of the Opera" "Do you have any idea what's going on?!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again." - Marin County newspaper's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz" Updated On: 8/30/06 at 02:01 PM reply to this message Fiction Writer Broadway Legend joined: 5/31/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/30/06 at 02:19 PM You fixed one, but not the other? reply to this message WindyCityActor Broadway Legend joined: 11/13/03 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/30/06 at 03:06 PM Eh! Frickin' Double Posts!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again." - Marin County newspaper's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz" reply to this message djjd007 Chorus Member joined: 2/9/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/30/06 at 03:15 PM At Sweeney Todd last Thursday evening, DURING INTERMISSION: "I hope this doesn't end like that Willie Nelson thing." * * * Did Willie Nelson ever have a bout of cannibalism that I was unaware of? reply to this message TLKfan Featured Actor joined: 11/2/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/30/06 at 04:32 PM A few weeks ago at the Vegas Mamma Mia in the scene where Sophie is reading her mom's diary "And ..." thing. A young girl behind me asks her mom "What's dot dot dot?" I never heard a response from her mother. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- God Put the Rhythm in Me... Ce que l'on voit...Ce qu'on entend...De la pluie ou bien du vent ~Pascal Obispo Buy tickets to see the Altar Boyz! reply to this message WiiCKED x3 Broadway Star joined: 2/18/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/30/06 at 07:52 PM Last Wednesday on the train to see The Wedding Singer. Teenage girl #1: Soo.. What's up with the History Boys? Teenage girl #2: Oh! I know what it's about! It's about these 3 boys and this teacher only talks about history and he dies at the end. Teenage girl #1: Why does he die? Teenage girl #2: I think he slipped and fell in the school he teaches at or something. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Danielle? Robbie:Glen! Hey, is uh... Julia o.k? Glen: Yeah, she's fine, she's probabaly just nervous about the wedding. Robbie:Yeah! Well, hey man! Any girl would love to be Mrs. ... Glen: Gulia Robbie: Gulia? So Julia's last name is gonna be Gulia? Julia Gulia! That's funny. Glen: Why is that funny? Robbie: I don't know. Love Is What I do. reply to this message WiiCKED x3 Broadway Star joined: 2/18/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/30/06 at 07:52 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Danielle? Robbie:Glen! Hey, is uh... Julia o.k? Glen: Yeah, she's fine, she's probabaly just nervous about the wedding. Robbie:Yeah! Well, hey man! Any girl would love to be Mrs. ... Glen: Gulia Robbie: Gulia? So Julia's last name is gonna be Gulia? Julia Gulia! That's funny. Glen: Why is that funny? Robbie: I don't know. Love Is What I do. Updated On: 8/30/06 at 07:52 PM reply to this message winston89 Swing joined: 6/18/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/30/06 at 09:50 PM I saw avenue Q a few weeks back. During intermission I over heard two women on line to go to the bathroom have this conversation. woman 1: so do you think they have to pay sesame street for this show? woman 2: o yea i mean its so clear that this is trying to be sesame street. I laughed because all over the theatre there are signes that say AVENUE Q IS NOT AFFILATED WITH JIM HANSEN IN ANYWAY. reply to this message gertiecummings Stand-by joined: 12/28/04 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/30/06 at 11:36 PM Speaking of Avenue Q, when John Tartaglia appeared at the Macy's Parade with Rod, my grandma's boyfriend was complaining because you could see his lips moving. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You are the worst thing to happen to musical theatre since Andrew Lloyd Webber! reply to this message JACXR71 Broadway Star joined: 6/29/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/31/06 at 09:34 AM Yet another Ave Q comment, taken from overheardinnewyork.com: Except in This One, It's Okay For Beaker and Dr. Bunsen to Experiment With Kermit Tourist husband: So what is this show about? Tourist wife: I believe it's like a Muppets story. --Avenue Q, Golden Theater, W 45th St Overheard by: Jose Headline by: Michael Runners-Up: · "The Muppets Take Manhattan, Roll It Over, Pull Its Hair and Make It Call Them 'Daddy'" - Colin McCleod · "...And Miss Saigon Is About a Beauty Pageant" - bri b · "And Porn Is Like a Plumbing Story" - jdw · "And the Dinner You Took Me to at Olive Garden? That Was Like Italian." - Andy Klingenberger · "Avenue Q Tickets: $120. The Looks on Vernon and Estelle's Faces When They Hear 'The Internet is for Porn': Priceless" - what i wouldn't give to watch them watch the show · "Everyone's a Little Misinformed" - ian · "Maybe If the Muppets Took Fire Island" - Broomrider · "The Same Way That Debbie Does Dallas Is a Travel Documentary" - Kristin Sacre · "Today's Letters Are S, E and X, and the Number Is 69" - Iain, London -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's not the end. It's not even the beginning of the end. Rather, it's the end of the beginning. reply to this message Behind_the_Spotlight Stand-by joined: 7/3/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/31/06 at 08:26 PM I'm fairly sure I've told this story somewhere before, but it fits: Wicked in Cincinnati, my friends and I go to stagedoor. We're pretty much the only people who recognized Julia immediately, so we move in to try and reach her. Some girls see she's getting alot of attention, so they ask for her autograph and go "So, who did you play?" She was the sweetest thing about it, too! She laughed and said "I was the green witch." "No way!" "Yes! And I have the green hairline to prove it!" At which point she raised the edge of her hat to demonstrate. Also... My friend and I saw Company in Cincy the week before the Broadway transfer was announced. The people next to us were an older man and his teenage granddaughter, and as we were waiting for the show to start, the grandfather was reading through the program and saying how he'd heard it might be taken to New York. "No, Grandpa, it's just a show in Cincinnati. These things don't get taken to Broadway." "Are you sure? I heard it was really good." "Yes, I'm positive." Like I said, this was before it was confirmed, so I didn't want to somehow jinx it by saying something. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Want me more than others, not exclusively. That's the way it ought to be. reply to this message DezBryner Understudy joined: 4/1/04 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/31/06 at 08:38 PM Amazingly loud during the first moments of "The Lieutenant of Inishmore" an old lady in the balcony says to her friend: "Did they forget their lines??" reply to this message WiiCKED x3 Broadway Star joined: 2/18/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/31/06 at 08:55 PM While I was waiting for the Imperial to open their doors, I was outside of the theatre. (Two woman staring at the Imperial Theatre) Woman #1: Ooh! What's this show about? Oh, forget I asked. I know what it's about! Woman #2: Then what is it about? Woman #1: It's about these puppets dealing with life and stuff. Or... wait... no! I'm wrong. No! I'm right. Yeah, puppets dealing with all of this s**t in their life. Woman #2: Look at the pictures around you, there's not one puppet in here! I think you must be talking about that show over there (points to the Golden theatre across the street, which has pictures of puppets) Woman #1: So then what's this show about? Woman #2: I don't know... Let me go inside and ask. (She comes out) Woman #1: So? Woman #2: She gave a whole summary of the show: It centers on two con men living on the French Riviera. The first is Smart and stuff, I think his name is Larry or something. The other is stupid and short or something, I think his name is Freckles. They meet on a boat and then Larry wants to work with him because he likes him and then they run into this girl... Colegate. Woman #1: She's named after toothpaste? Woman #2: Yeah, i'm not sure if I want to see this. Woman #1: Do you want to see Cats? Woman #2: Didn't that close a few years ago? Woman #1: No! It's right around the corner. Woman #2: Ok! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Danielle? Robbie:Glen! Hey, is uh... Julia o.k? Glen: Yeah, she's fine, she's probabaly just nervous about the wedding. Robbie:Yeah! Well, hey man! Any girl would love to be Mrs. ... Glen: Gulia Robbie: Gulia? So Julia's last name is gonna be Gulia? Julia Gulia! That's funny. Glen: Why is that funny? Robbie: I don't know. Love Is What I do. reply to this message bwayondabrain Broadway Legend joined: 5/20/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/31/06 at 08:57 PM wow, tourists really make life all the more enjoyable :) why does everyone think CATS is still open? i heard people talking about that too! golly... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Dot dot dot... Smiley face :)" Go see THE WEDDING SINGER!!! reply to this message WiiCKED x3 Broadway Star joined: 2/18/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/31/06 at 09:02 PM I LOVE TOURISTS! They make going to the city a lot more enjoyable. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Danielle? Robbie:Glen! Hey, is uh... Julia o.k? Glen: Yeah, she's fine, she's probabaly just nervous about the wedding. Robbie:Yeah! Well, hey man! Any girl would love to be Mrs. ... Glen: Gulia Robbie: Gulia? So Julia's last name is gonna be Gulia? Julia Gulia! That's funny. Glen: Why is that funny? Robbie: I don't know. Love Is What I do. reply to this message Dre2387 Broadway Legend joined: 7/16/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/31/06 at 09:11 PM The other is stupid and short or something, I think his name is Freckles. I LOVE that! that is so funny! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -Dre- You must remember all the same that at the crux of every game is knowing when it's time to leave the table. And it's important to be artful in your exit. No turning back, you must accept the con is done. But now and then, you might recall the moments when you had it all - you had the charm, you had the talent. And, my God, you had some fun. It was a ball, it was a blast. And it's a shame it couldn't last. But every chapter has to end, you must agree. It was a joy, it was sublime, a splendid way to earn a dime for a dirty rotten guy like me. ~Dirty Rotten Scoundrels~ reply to this message ladyofthelake Broadway Star joined: 1/26/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 8/31/06 at 09:13 PM Matinee Lady A: 'Have you seen CATS?' Matinee Lady B: 'No...' Matinee Lady A: 'Well, I'll tell you what happens. There's a bunch of cats, and one of them is real sick and tired. So the other cats put on a show to cheer her up. Then they put her on a tire and shoot her through the roof." ' That's in a book I have called Broadway Musicals: The 101 Greatest Shows Of All Time. Not a Theater or NYC comment but was made by a tourist in Ohio..I worked at a major amusement park in northern ohio one, day while sitting at the enterance to a ride the sign says its a 1/4 hour wait from this point... Man to family : Look its only a 25 minute wait from here! Me: Actually its only about 15 minutes.. Man: Oh even better. Come on guys lets go! reply to this message Faith2 Stand-by joined: 2/20/04 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/2/06 at 06:53 AM ************BUMP************ I really like this topic!!!!! Keep 'em coming! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There is a curious paradox that no one can explain; Who understands the secret of the reaping of the grain, Who understands why spring is born out of winter's laboring pain, Or why we all must die a bit before we grow again. -from "The Fantasticks" reply to this message Jon Broadway Legend joined: 2/20/04 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/2/06 at 10:03 AM How about hilarious comments heard while working at a box office? A few years ago, our theatre was doing the musical DEAR WORLD by Jerry Herman. Someone called and asked what show we were presenting. I told them the title, and they asked, "Is that D-E-E-R or D-E-A-R?" I ALMOST answered, "DEER - It's about deer hunting in Northern Wisconsin." Because Jerry Herman just loves manly topics like that. Updated On: 9/2/06 at 10:04 AM reply to this message dancingthrulife04 Broadway Legend joined: 10/15/04 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/2/06 at 10:14 AM Hilarious comments while working will call? I worked at the Fringe show FAN TAN KING last weekend. I gave one lady her ticket, and she demanded to know why her cell phone wasn't working. As if we had secre cell phone blockers at the Lortel. Her: "WHY isn't my cell phone working under here? Why?" (we were under an awning) Me: "Because you're under the awning? Move out from under here." (she does, the phone works) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Freddy: You..You're a smooth guy. You'll always be the best. Lawrence: I hope you can say that to me when I'm old and gray. Freddy: I just did. It was a ball, it was a blast, it was a shame it couldn't last... reply to this message Princeton78 Broadway Legend joined: 8/17/04 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/2/06 at 10:19 AM According to a friend of mine, at a recent performance of Wicked or some other show that involves flying, several older New York ladies with thick NY accents were talking and said "Oh yes, and we saw Cats and at the end they took Graziella and shot her through the roof on a tire." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I'll admit I may have seen better days, but I'm still not to be had for the price of a cocktail, like a salted peanut." Updated On: 9/2/06 at 10:20 AM reply to this message Becoz_i_knew_you21 Broadway Star joined: 4/29/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/2/06 at 11:43 AM This is what A really ditzy girl at my school said when she found out I was going to Wicked. "LUCKY! I really like that "Defining Gravity" song -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Sometime's when I'm alone I just like to cuddle" -Fez- That 70's Show reply to this message AshleyBrownFan123 Leading Actor joined: 3/24/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/2/06 at 12:00 PM Dirty Rotten Scoundrels Tour: GIRL 1: "When will we get Tarzan? GIRL 2: "That's a good question. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "For a sophisticated actor, I ask ya, oh, never mind. Let's begin the work! First student: Glen Close? Oh crap!"-Christine Pedi as Patti LuPone playing Maria Callas in the Patti-Class skit of Forbidden Broadway: Strikes Back. reply to this message chealion313 Stand-by joined: 9/16/04 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/2/06 at 12:31 PM On the TKTS line when someone asked a girl what Hairspray was about: The girl's answer: "It's about this group of kids who want to dance on a radio show. I have friends who work there--they want to dance on a RADIO show!!" reply to this message mijofly19 Broadway Star joined: 6/14/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/3/06 at 11:35 AM At Sweeney last night-two girls looking at the other shows on Broadway in their Playbill: Girl #1-"Oh my God! When did Beauty and the Beast come to Broadway?" Girl #1-"What part does Usher play in Chicago?" Girl #2-"I think he's the lead male, the important lawyer." Girl #1-"I think he'd play one of the guys killed by one of the girls, in that tango song." reply to this message WiiCKED x3 Broadway Star joined: 2/18/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/3/06 at 12:16 PM I went to the city to walk around for a little yesterday afternoon with my best friend. She didn't want to see a show. I dragged her inside of The St. James theatre (The Producers)to hopefully change her mind and then she dragged me back out. So I was pretty depressed about not seeing a show. So, we were walking out of the St. James theatre (Well, my friend was walking. I was being dragged by her)And this lady stops me and we had the following conversation: Lady: What show did you just come out of? Me: Well, the show didn't start yet. My friend and I were just looking inside. But... we were comming out of The Producers. Lady: Is it funny? Me: Yeah, the movie is also hysterical. Lady: Oh! So, this isn't Beauty And The Beast? Me: Uh... no, it's not. Lady: Is The Beauty And The Beast funny? Me: I haven't seen it since I was like 8, I don't really remember. I do remember laughing once. Lady: So, is it bad? Me: I don't know, I barely remember it. Lady: Oh! So what about this show called...uhh... let's see here (she pulls out a list of shows that she wrote down) Ok! What about The Wedding Singers? Me: The Wedding Singer is a really funny show, it's a romantic comedy. I would definatly reccomend it. Lady: What about CATS? Me: (WHY ME?!?) Cats isn't on Broadway anymore. Lady: And what about Doubt? Me: That isn't on Broadway anymore either. Lady: Oh my god, what IS on broadway now? Me: (Tells her more shows I would reccomend) Lady: I think i'll go see CATS, I still can't believe it's an off-broadway show now! Me: (Thinking: This person is going to drive me into a mental insitution) (I decided to go along with it) Yes! Me too, CATS is right down that block over there. Ok, I have to go now. Bye! (I ran for my life until I got to the next block) Ok, tourists may seem fun to interact with, EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Danielle? Robbie:Glen! Hey, is uh... Julia o.k? Glen: Yeah, she's fine, she's probabaly just nervous about the wedding. Robbie:Yeah! Well, hey man! Any girl would love to be Mrs. ... Glen: Gulia Robbie: Gulia? So Julia's last name is gonna be Gulia? Julia Gulia! That's funny. Glen: Why is that funny? Robbie: I don't know. Love Is What I do. reply to this message bwayondabrain Broadway Legend joined: 5/20/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/3/06 at 12:19 PM that is HILARIOUS danielle! :) haha wow... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Dot dot dot... Smiley face :)" Go see THE WEDDING SINGER!!! reply to this message Wanderingchild5 Broadway Star joined: 11/5/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/3/06 at 12:39 PM haha nice -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm Mary ( : I <33 Anthony rapp and Kristoffer Cusick! reply to this message Dre2387 Broadway Legend joined: 7/16/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/3/06 at 01:17 PM hilarious. I wish a tourist would stop me and ask me questions. But they would probably get on my nerves too. lol. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -Dre- You must remember all the same that at the crux of every game is knowing when it's time to leave the table. And it's important to be artful in your exit. No turning back, you must accept the con is done. But now and then, you might recall the moments when you had it all - you had the charm, you had the talent. And, my God, you had some fun. It was a ball, it was a blast. And it's a shame it couldn't last. But every chapter has to end, you must agree. It was a joy, it was sublime, a splendid way to earn a dime for a dirty rotten guy like me. ~Dirty Rotten Scoundrels~ reply to this message VonTussleGirl Broadway Legend joined: 1/2/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/3/06 at 02:24 PM Me: Well... last night I watched Rent... Girl: Oh, I love that movie! *sings...badly...off-key...* In truth that she lies, in clothes he burns... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lighten up, it's just fashion! reply to this message Matthewjames Understudy joined: 7/10/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/3/06 at 04:08 PM Thursday at Antonique Smith's last performance in rent woman in front of me: Who's playing the spanish girl? Me:Antonique Smith, it's her last day in the show. Then she tried to convince me that she saw the original cast (she couldnt have been older than 17 btw) and then she proceeded to go through the playbill and say what original cast members she saw. now Im sure she didnt mean "I've only seen the movie"..im sure not -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time I used to play with toys, but now I'd rather play around with teenage boys reply to this message Yankeefan007 Broadway Legend joined: 3/20/04 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/4/06 at 10:50 AM At the DRS Stage Door at the Closing Performance, there was a woman who was asking different ensemble members if she could interview them for a "major motion picture she's writing." The board members were all making fun of this woman, who took down 1 actor's email address on a piece of newspaper. At the Sweeney Stage Door at the Closing Performance, there was a guy who asked the crowd to sing This Little Light of Mine into a video camera for his daughter's Bat Mitzvah. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My Newest Producing Venture: Idina Menzel & Hugh Jackman in Idina Menzel & Hugh Jackman Read the Yellow Pages reply to this message WiiCKED x3 Broadway Star joined: 2/18/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/4/06 at 10:59 AM "At the Sweeney Stage Door at the Closing Performance, there was a guy who asked the crowd to sing This Little Light of Mine into a video camera for his daughter's Bat Mitzvah." Haha, my Bat-Mitzvah's in two weeks. Maybe the guy could send me that video? It must sound beautiful. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Danielle? Robbie:Glen! Hey, is uh... Julia o.k? Glen: Yeah, she's fine, she's probabaly just nervous about the wedding. Robbie:Yeah! Well, hey man! Any girl would love to be Mrs. ... Glen: Gulia Robbie: Gulia? So Julia's last name is gonna be Gulia? Julia Gulia! That's funny. Glen: Why is that funny? Robbie: I don't know. Love Is What I do. reply to this message bwayondabrain Broadway Legend joined: 5/20/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/4/06 at 10:59 AM writing a major motion picture? "this little light of mine" for a bat mitzvah? some people have lost their marbles... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Dot dot dot... Smiley face :)" Go see THE WEDDING SINGER!!! reply to this message wickedrentq Broadway Legend joined: 11/6/04 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/4/06 at 12:31 PM That's what everyone was singing! I was standing across the street and all of a sudden the Sweeney stage door started to sing and I got so confused. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "The best thing about West Side Story is Bernstein's score. I think it's absolutely brilliant theater music, and no one has ever equaled it."--Arthur Laurents reply to this message alliez92092 Stand-by joined: 2/11/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/4/06 at 01:57 PM bumpity bump bump bump reply to this message vmlinnie Broadway Legend joined: 6/19/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/4/06 at 02:12 PM I did an amateur production of Annie two years ago, and we went to McDonalds during the break between a matinee and an evening performance on a Saturday. Anyway, to cut a long story short, these two boys, about 11 years old, walked in and saw us there. They ran over to the girl who played Annie who was sitting together with the rest of the children in the cast including me. One asked for her autograph and got it, and the other remained silent. Then the silent one said quite obviously to the other 'She soooo doesn't fancy you, she's way too pretty for you' and then stole the autograph and ran out. the other followed, and the last we saw of them they were rolling down a nearby escalator wrestling with one another. When I saw "Everythings Turning Into Beautiful" there was a woman behind me in line to pick up tickets who saw Daphne's picture on the poster and said, "Oh, wasn't she in Rent?" Innocent enough, right? Well we go into the theater and find out seats and the same woman sits behind me and is reading her playbill. She reads Daphne's bio and says, "Wait, wasn't she in the Rent movie?" Her husband says that she was and the wife says, "But it isn't listed here. Why wouldn't she list it? Do you think she wrote this before the movie?" Her husband says no, he thinks the movie was too long ago for her to have written her bio first. So then the wife says, "Oh, maybe she just isn't proud of the movie." My sister and I are now shaking with silent laughter (mean, I know but come on!) and stealing glances over our shoulders, trying to decide if we should butt in. A few minutes later, her husband says, "Wait, I don't think she was in it. If she was, she would say, wouldn't she?" The wife thinks a minute, then says, "You know, I think she was too old to be in the movie." Wrong. Now my sister and I are mashing our lips together and biting our tongues. Her husband says, "She's the same age as everyone else, isn't she? I think maybe she was pregnant or something." Finally! The really funny thing is that the next time I saw the show, someone behind me read her playbill and said, "Wait, wasn't she in the Rent movie?" I couldn't take another round of this so turned around and set the record straight. :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I wrote a book: "How to Be Popular". Now I've put together a top ten list of how to help you: -Elphie, everyday... shower. I mean, who knows? Maybe some of that green is gonna come off! -Deodorant Elphie. No body likes a stinky witch! -I think we've covered the hair, we'll get to that. -Clean underclothes. That's all I'm gonna say. -Look at your posture. That's no way to be popular! -Bed made, room straightened. We've done that. -Colors blended. Oookay. -But the most important thing to have, to make yourself popular, is to keep your beautiful smile." ~Kristin Chenoweth in her last performance of the song "Popular" reply to this message missyrose87 Understudy joined: 2/4/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/4/06 at 09:56 PM I told my friend I needed to prepare a Neil Simon monologue for one of my classes, and they suggested I do something from The Producers. reply to this message mrs felciano Stand-by joined: 6/14/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/4/06 at 10:04 PM When I saw Drowsy the woman next to me kept falling asleep, waking up, and saying "THIS IS TORTURE!!" I was so pissed. How would she even know if it was torture or not seeing as she SLEPT THROUGH HALF OF IT. reply to this message TheMecca Understudy joined: 3/19/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/5/06 at 01:42 PM This is more of a humorous and horrifying thing. So yes, as some of you have read, I was told to take my playbill off of the Balcony ledge (with very very very good reason, and it was a dumb thing to do in the first place), but the most amazing thing was when a woman put her feet up on the ledge of the Shubert balcony. Like, up on the ledge. ON it. Updated On: 9/5/06 at 01:43 PM reply to this message WickedOne2 Broadway Star joined: 3/4/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/5/06 at 03:05 PM I was at Starbucks on Sunday after seeing Jersey Boys and some woman comes in and says to her boyfriend... I didn't know Nip/Tuck was a Broadway show. Her boyfriend said he didn't think it was and she replied well they have a billboard in Times Square and she thought only Broadway shows had billboards in Times Square. I almost spit out my chai tea. Too funny. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There's a really big gap between getting your ass kicked and having a dancing, singing sprite fool you with trickery and then strike your throat before you know that you're even *in* a fight. reply to this message Jon Broadway Legend joined: 2/20/04 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/5/06 at 03:16 PM But it's true - only Broadway shows have billboards in Times Square. Don't you remember when Mark Wahlberg starred in the musical CALVIN KLEIN? reply to this message WickedOne2 Broadway Star joined: 3/4/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/5/06 at 05:11 PM Oh and don't forget P.Diddy's musical ode to Sean John. I also hear they were doing JDATE the Musical. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There's a really big gap between getting your ass kicked and having a dancing, singing sprite fool you with trickery and then strike your throat before you know that you're even *in* a fight. reply to this message Fosse76 Broadway Legend joined: 3/21/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/5/06 at 05:39 PM "'You know, I think she was too old to be in the movie.' Wrong. Now my sister and I are mashing our lips together and biting our tongues." Ummm, actually, even had Daphne not been pregnant she would not have been cast in the film. She is twice the age of her character, and even looked too old when she did the show on Broadway. reply to this message Nokros Chorus Member joined: 2/2/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/6/06 at 07:54 PM Granted, this was not overheard in the city, but it was on a train when I left after seeing Sweeney close: Woman: Did I hear you saw Sweeney Todd? Me: Yes. Woman: Is Angela Lansbury still in it? Me: ... no, she was in the original Broadway production, this was a revival. Woman: So she's not still in it? Me: ..No. Woman: Oh, I've thinking of seeing it. Me: It closed yesterday, actually. Woman: Oh... reply to this message StageManager2 Broadway Legend joined: 10/21/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/6/06 at 08:04 PM "How would she even know if it was torture or not seeing as she SLEPT THROUGH HALF OF IT." Well, mrs felciano, they don't call it THE DROWSY CHAPERONE for nothing! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Try with milk, yogurt or just Bear Naked. reply to this message bwayondabrain Broadway Legend joined: 5/20/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/6/06 at 08:09 PM haha, good one, stagemanager! :P and wow, she still thought Angela was in it? how stupid can people be!!! and next time im in nyc im definitely gonna listen in on more peoples conversations :) haha -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Dot dot dot... Smiley face :)" Go see THE WEDDING SINGER!!! reply to this message WickedMuzzy422 Understudy joined: 1/22/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/9/06 at 09:41 AM another from Over heard in New York: Hitler: She's Right, I Had to Laugh Chick referring to The Producers: Yeah, it made fun of Hitler, but it was in, like, a positive way. --St. James Theater, 44th & Broadway -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Labels are for cans, not for people." --anthony Rapp reply to this message JustABroadwaybaby2 Leading Actor joined: 4/6/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/9/06 at 12:19 PM My friend is not a tourist, but I was with her and we saw a poster for LitP. She said, "OOH! Isn't that the show about the RETARD?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I'm thinking about how if you took the W in answer, and the H in ghost, and the extra A in aardvark, and the T in listen, you could keep saying WHAT but no one would ever hear you because the whole word would be silent." Please support BC/EFA at goodsearch.com! Search for anything, and your charity will get a cent! reply to this message mijofly19 Broadway Star joined: 6/14/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/9/06 at 12:24 PM At Fame Becomes Me last night, every time Marc Shaiman came onstage, the woman behind me asked her husband "Is that Short?" reply to this message singtopher Stand-by joined: 12/28/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/9/06 at 01:12 PM I keep remembering ones.. A few years ago, I was talking with an older gentleman. Him:So are you in college? Me: Yes Him: What's your major? Me: Musical Theatre Him: Oh, so you like Musicals! Do you get to New York much? Me: When I can Him: Well the next time you go, make sure you see Julie Andrews in My Fair Lady. She's terrific! reply to this message splendero03 Swing joined: 8/26/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/9/06 at 01:39 PM I saw Wicked at the second regular performance given by Shoshana Bean after she took over from Idena Menzel. There was a man sitting behind me who had clearly never heard of Wicked and didn't know what it was about. I got the impression someone had invited him to go with them. Anyway, the show is going along and we were DEEP into the second act, the scene where Glinda and Elphaba confront each other outside of Dorothy's house, and the man suddenly says loud enough for everyone around him to hear, "oh! So it's like The Wizard of Oz!" reply to this message JeaniusIsMe Chorus Member joined: 2/2/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/9/06 at 01:48 PM Last night, Wicked Stage Door, London: Everyone is clearly waiting for Idina. British guy to an American girl: So, is this Idina really popular in the states? American girl: Oh yeah. She's really popular. British guy: So, she's like a pop super-star? American girl: Yeah- she's huge. Bigger than Britney Spears and Kelly Clarkson combined. Everyone knows her. Updated On: 9/9/06 at 01:49 PM reply to this message splendero03 Swing joined: 8/26/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/9/06 at 01:52 PM Actually, the spotlight they put on Elphaba DOES have a slightly green tint to it to make sure she looks green. I read about this in a very interesting article about the make up and costumes used for that show. I thought that was a very interesting fact. reply to this message Becoz_i_knew_you21 Broadway Star joined: 4/29/06 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/9/06 at 03:22 PM "British guy to an American girl: So, is this Idina really popular in the states? American girl: Oh yeah. She's really popular. British guy: So, she's like a pop super-star? American girl: Yeah- she's huge. Bigger than Britney Spears and Kelly Clarkson combined. Everyone knows her. " What universe is she living in? I love this thread -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Sometime's when I'm alone I just like to cuddle" -Fez- That 70's Show Updated On: 9/9/06 at 03:22 PM reply to this message stagemom3 Chorus Member joined: 5/31/05 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/9/06 at 04:04 PM I saw Oliver! in Stratford, Ontario, and this much older woman sittimg behind us kept squealing with delight through the entire show. And I do mean squealing. So I whispered to my daughter that her husband hasn't heard those noises since their wedding night. reply to this message GEA113 Swing joined: 7/27/04 re: Hilarious Comments Overheard By Tourists and Audience Members Posted On: 9/9/06 at 05:11 PM to n69n- when you said someone asked you about the Olsen Twins... these both happened about 2 months ago my best friend and I walked through the Hilton rather than going all the way across the street and running into crazy tourists. we were overly dressed up (for fun) with big sunglasses and as we walked through, the hot guy at the concierge desk taps his friend on the arma and goes "omg! look! it's the Olsen Twins!" mind you, i'm 4'11 and my friend is 5'2 and she has short red hair and we're 16.... how does that work??? oh, and one time it was pouring rain and i didnt have an umbrella and i was reading my history boys script right outside the broadhurst. i was next to the stage door, minding my own business and an old lady came up to me who had just gotten a ticket, and looks @ the poster of the boys and goes to me, "oh! are you in the cast?!" and i was SOOO tempted to say yes, but i said "no" (obvi). i mean- come one.. they are the HISTORY BOYS!! literally right after she walked away from me, an old man came up to me, who looked lost and he said "is this show good? 'cuz my wifes in there getting tickets now but i'm not so sure. she wants to see it but then again she wanted to see Sweeney Todd and that was crap. Now, Tarzan... THAT'S entertainment" i was about to CHOKE ON MY BOOK http://www.broadwayworld.com/board/readmessage.cfm?page=36&thread=901022&startthread=2469068 ------------------------------============================================------- In the book "Broadway Day & Night" Harvey Fierstein wrote: ...my most never-fading memory is of Ethel Merman. She popped back after the show (Torch Song Trilogy), with her niece, silencing the most callous of stagehands. "What did you think of the show, Miss Merman? I croaked. She glared at me as only Merman could and bellowed back, "I thought it was a piece of sh*t, but the rest of the audience laughed and cried, so what the f*ck do I know?" reply to this message alterego Broadway Legend joined: 6/5/03 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/15/06 at 10:34 PM I heard that Merman went to see Lauren Bacall in WOMAN OF THE YEAR. When Ms Bacall, in the opening number bellowed " I'm the W-O-M-A-N of the year" Merman very audibly was heard to say "Jesus Christ!". I don't know the source, but it was told to me years ago: MUSIC DIRECTOR: "Miss Merman, would you like to warm up?" MERMAN: (Clears her through long and loud and spits) "Nope, I'm ready!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "It's not so much do what you like, as it is that you like what you do." reply to this message PalJoey Broadway Legend joined: 3/11/04 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/15/06 at 11:02 PM I've posted this one before here but... One of my favorite Ethel Merman stories invoves Jerry Orbach. During one scene in the "Annie Get Your Gun" revival in 1966 {aka "Granny Get Your Gun"), Jerry was upstage of Merman, who of course, played everything to the audience. One night Merman noticed a new reaction from the audience, one she hadn't expected. Next night, it happened again. Perplexed, Merman told the stage manager to summon Jerry to her dressing room. "Orbach," she said, "you're DOING something during that scene. What are you doing?" "Nothing, Miss Merman," Jerry replied. "Don't lie to me, Orbach. I know you're doing SOMETHING. Tell me what you're doing." "Honest, Miss Merman," the actor replied. "I'm not doing anything. I'm just reacting." "I KNEW it was something!" Merman said triumphantly. "Listen kid, I'll make you a deal: You don't react to ME, and I won't react to you. Deal?" Jerry Orbach shook Ethel Merman's hand...and he never reacted to her again. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Long ago, all we had was that funny feeling, / Saying someday we'd send 'em reeling, / Now it looks like we can! / "Someday" just began... reply to this message Chanticleer148 Broadway Star joined: 6/22/05 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/15/06 at 11:25 PM “I can hold a note as long as the Chase Manhattan Bank” -Ethel Merman “I take a breath when I have to” -Ethel Merman “Always give them the old fire, even when you feel like a squashed cake of ice” -Ethel Merman Let's Name A Theater For Ethel Merman Merman: "When the national company tour of CALL ME MADAM reached Los Angeles, Stritch checked in at the Beverly Hills Hotel. She was making a study of how to hold her long notes for long periods of time and she was being very serious and intense about exercising her pipes. In the morning around 11 or 12 she would go out on the patio and vocalize. Her phone rang and the voice said "Miss Stritch, I'm awfully sorry but this is the Beverly Hills Hotel management and we're asking you to give up your room." "what's the matter" Stritch asked "What have I done?" "You're living next to a woman who lieks quiet; she can't stand the noise" the voice said. "WHo is ths woman? You hold the phone and I'll go have a talk with her." "She's in104" the voice said, so Stritch went out in the hall and whaged on 104. The important sensitive dame opened the door. It as me. The picture version of MADAM was about t start, I'd checked into the hotel myself and hearing Elaine's unmistakable voice, I'd wanted to say 'Hi' t her. =============== Best line in the picture of Madam...the Grad Duke of Lichtenberg asks Sally Adams how this stately palace ball compares with her celebrated Washington parties. "Well WE have a good time!" is Sally's reply. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cast albums are NOT "soundtracks." Live theatre does not use a "soundtrack." If it did, it wouldn't be live theatre! ************* contact me at: frontrowcentre@hotmail.com Theatre News, Reviews & Interviews reply to this message peapod36 Swing joined: 8/11/06 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/16/06 at 01:41 AM I heard this on Biography. She had the Duke and Duchess of Windsor over for dinner and lots of famous people were invited and after dinner everyone got up to dance except for the Duke and Duchess. Merman walked over to him and said " Hey,Duke! Get off your ass and dance with your wife. He did. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What if the hokey pokey really IS what it's all about? reply to this message CurtainPullDowner Broadway Legend joined: 11/4/04 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/16/06 at 01:47 AM At an Early after theatre chat with Sondheim He was asked about why he worked on GYPSY Oscar said "You will learn to write for a Star." So they gave her Rose's Turn and she said "What is this Momma.... Momma.... ??" Steve said (something like) She's having a breakdown and she can't get the words out... Merman: "Yeah, but is it on the beat or off the beat"? Sondheim learned a lot. and the "Bird's Eye Story"? An alternate "Roses Turn" story I heard was after she heard a run-though by Styne & Sondheim, she sat down, looked up overwhelmed and muttered "That's a f***kin' ARIA." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's got candy things in it. It's a candy kind of cake thing. reply to this message elmore3003 Stand-by joined: 3/31/04 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/16/06 at 08:07 AM I had lunch with Louios Botto of PLAYBIL and a retired press agent, and they told me this Merman story: Ethel was in a performance of CALL ME MADAM one night, in a scene down front while the stagehands noisily changed the scenery behind them. Ethel stopped the scene, turned to the drop and telled "SHUT THE F*CK UP!!!!" and then went back into the scene. Updated On: 8/16/06 at 08:07 AM reply to this message philcrosby Broadway Star joined: 2/17/04 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/16/06 at 08:07 AM I love this one: When she asked if she ever got nervous before a performance, she replied: "Why should I? If those jerks could do what I do, they'd be up here, and I'd be in the audience." You gotta love the Merm. No one like her before or since. reply to this message elmore3003 Stand-by joined: 3/31/04 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/16/06 at 08:12 AM Ethel and Mary Martin did a one-night performance in 1977, TOGETHER ON BROADWAY (MARY MARTIN & ETHEL MERMAN). While Martin was onstage, one of the chorus girls made a comment backstage like "Gosh, Miss Merman, isn't it great working with Miss Martin?" And Ethel answered, "She's a dyke, ya know!" reply to this message MasterLcZ Broadway Legend joined: 5/12/03 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/16/06 at 08:18 AM Another one: In the 1970s, some poor Daily News interviewer asked Merman about the film THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS noting she added that it was "that movie that starred Marilyn Monroe." "WHAT THE F***K ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?! I was the STAR in that picture. She was a supporting player!" The interview ended soon afterwards... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's got candy things in it. It's a candy kind of cake thing. reply to this message PalJoey Broadway Legend joined: 3/11/04 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/16/06 at 10:46 AM Elmore, the dyke remark was made to a stagehand not a chorus girl--and it was more succinct. Merman was waiting to make her entrance, while Martin was singing "Wonderful Guy." Merman was clearly enjoying Martin's rendition of her signature number. "Great song," she said to the stagehand, as she snapped her finger to the easy beat. "Great voice," she added, as Martin's song came to a close. Then, as she started to stride onstage, Merman paused and whispered to the stagehand, "Dyke, ya know." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Long ago, all we had was that funny feeling, / Saying someday we'd send 'em reeling, / Now it looks like we can! / "Someday" just began... reply to this message JoeKv99 Broadway Legend joined: 12/27/04 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/16/06 at 12:30 PM As reported in one of her unauthorized iographies, Merman was spotted pushing her toddler in a stroller, saying to them "You don't want to play in the park, you don't want to go to the zoo, what the f*ck DO you want to do???" reply to this message lvpblues Broadway Star joined: 2/18/04 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/16/06 at 12:37 PM I too remember hearing about Merman going to see Woman of the Year on Broadway. What I heard was that as Bacall was giving the title song its big finish (it may even have been on opening night), Merman called out "Pick a note, Betty!" These stories are priceless. ~Kev -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Up yours, young people! ...With your rock & roll 8-track tapes!!!!" ~Carol "Put On Your Sunday Clothes" Channing on Family Guy Updated On: 8/16/06 at 12:43 PM reply to this message PalJoey Broadway Legend joined: 3/11/04 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/16/06 at 12:56 PM Another Ethel/f*ck story: Ethel Junior (yes, that was her name) was at the back of the house, waiting for her mother after a rehearsal. Ethel Senior was onstage having a discussion with the director and the stage manager, which apparently had been going on for some time. "Ma!" Ethel Junior whined from the back row. "How much longer are you gonna be?" "Shut up, Ethel!" Ethel yelled back from the stage. "I'll be done in a little while." "MA!" Ethel Junior answered back. "I'm tired of waiting. I wanna go NOW!" "I told you to shut up! I'll be done when I'm done!" Ethel answered, annoyed to have had her conversation interrupted twice. By this point, the stage manager and the director were getting uncomfortable, witnessing the great star in the midst of a parent-child squabble. "GODDAMNIT MA!" Ethel Junior bellowed from the back of the house. "I'm not waitin' any more! I'm getting the HELL outa here!" Everyone onstage watched, embarrassed, as the young girl stormed out of the theater. Ethel turned to them, flush with anger: "Where the F*CK does the kid get a mouth like that?!?" It is really strange...I am listening to my ipod shuffling songs - and when I opened this thread, and Ethel song came on...and now one from her disco album. Spooky! Some more quotes: "I wouldn't trust any man as far as you can throw a piano" "I have plenty of invitations to go places, lots to do. If I'm not working, I go to have my hair taken care of and work at needlepoint" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What in the sweet chocolate Christ is a metrosexual? reply to this message Smaxie Broadway Legend joined: 9/26/05 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/16/06 at 01:02 PM How about after losing the Tony for her performance in Gypsy to Mary Martin in The Sound of Music: "You can't buck a nun." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Last night's 'Itchy & Scratchy' was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world." reply to this message peapod36 Swing joined: 8/11/06 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/16/06 at 06:52 PM Just when I think these stories couldn't get funnier,they do. They don't make em like her anymore. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What if the hokey pokey really IS what it's all about? reply to this message allofmylife Broadway Star joined: 3/8/05 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/16/06 at 07:04 PM Ernest Borgnine was married to the Merm for a few days. The cause of the breakup? He said "How would you like to wake up every morning with a woman whose first words are (in 200 db) HEY ERNIE!!!!!" reply to this message FindingNamo Broadway Legend joined: 7/22/03 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/16/06 at 07:09 PM But luckily, that short-lived marriage gave us the glorious Varla Jean! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity." -- Chanticleer148, presenting Ann Coulter's fascist rhetoric as his own; 8/13/06. Should high school teachers plagiarize? reply to this message Gothampc Broadway Legend joined: 5/20/03 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/16/06 at 07:13 PM I always liked that even after she was famous, she went back to Astoria and played cards with the girls. reply to this message philcrosby Broadway Star joined: 2/17/04 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/17/06 at 08:40 AM She also always did her own correspondance, and loved to shop at Lamson's which was a an old-fashioned 5 & 10. Merm had a salty mouth, a total lack of pretense, was fiercely loyal to her friends, and just fierce to those she didn't like! Re her autobiographies: Like all autobios, they need to be taken with a grain of salt. But it sure is her own distinct voice. And now that we have gotten the "trailer trash" bio of her out of the way, maybe someone will tackle a bio that really paints a well-rounded picture of her. reply to this message madbrian Stand-by joined: 6/1/06 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/17/06 at 08:53 AM Another story from Stritch in 'At Liberty': Stritch was stand-by for Merman in 'Call Me Madam' while doing 'Pal Joey' pre-Broadway in Connecticut. She'd check that Merman was on, then run up to CT for her 2nd act number ('Zip'). There was a snowstorm, so Stritch had to check with Merman early so she could get up to CT. Merman's response - "Oh Elaine, just go to New Haven and sing the fukcing song!". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can I miss you if you won't leave? reply to this message Kent Chorus Member joined: 6/27/05 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/17/06 at 02:05 PM Can't swear this one's true, and I'm definitely paraphrasing: Merman was working in a show with Loretta Young, and regularly spouting off in her famous potty mouth. Apparently Miss Young was offended by the language, or at least grew tired of it, so she placed a big glass jar backstage with a sign on it that read "SWEARING $1.00"). When Elthel saw the sign she turned to the actress and said: Ethel: What the hell is this? Loretta: It's a swearing jar, Ms Merman. Ethel: You mean every time I swear I have to pay a dollar? Loretta: That's right, Ms Merman. Ethel: (reaching into purse) OK...here's a twenty...go f*ck yourself. EDIT: Someone emailed me the actual name of the "young actress" Updated On: 8/17/06 at 02:42 PM reply to this message Kent Chorus Member joined: 6/27/05 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/17/06 at 02:35 PM This one from my friend and fellow Merman fan, Randy: "One of my favorite Mermanisms is that she apparently called Mervyn LeRoy (Rosalind Russell's husband, and the guy who directed both the screen version of 'Gypsy' as well as Judy Garland in 1939's most famous film musical) 'The Lizard of Roz.'" reply to this message madbrian Stand-by joined: 6/1/06 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/17/06 at 02:43 PM Stritch also uses that nickname for LeRoy in "At Liberty" (he directed her in a show in LA and tried to curtail her drinking). She tells several Merman stories, but she doesn't attribute 'the Lizard of Roz' to Merman. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can I miss you if you won't leave? reply to this message PalJoey Broadway Legend joined: 3/11/04 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/17/06 at 02:49 PM Not quite. Roz's husband Freddie Brisson was the one Merman called "The Lizard of Roz," not Mervyn LeRoy. Brisson had nothing to do with The Wizard of Oz, but Mervyn LeRoy was the director of Gypsy and a producer of The Wizard of Oz. Freddie Brisson was referred to as a lizard by Merman and others because he snuck around and bought stage properties for Roz to make into movies. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Long ago, all we had was that funny feeling, / Saying someday we'd send 'em reeling, / Now it looks like we can! / "Someday" just began... Updated On: 8/17/06 at 02:52 PM reply to this message SueSnell Chorus Member joined: 11/7/05 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/17/06 at 04:22 PM When Anglea Lansbury had her triumph with GYPSY, a reporter said: "Miss Merman, how do you feel about Angela Lansbury following you in GYPSY?" And Ethel replied: "The only thing Angela Lansbury can follow me with is a shovel." Lansubry susequently gave an interview where she said she recalled coming to the USA and seeing the "Already established and mature Merman onstage." Meow... reply to this message Gypsy9 Swing joined: 5/27/06 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/17/06 at 04:46 PM As a great Ethel Merman fan I have truly enjoyed all of these outrageous quotes. Here is my contribution with an anecdote from the Bob Thomas biography:"I Got Rhythm!" A young actress in the CALL ME MADAM cast happened to be a protegee of Richard Rodgers. Whether by inexperience or over- confidence because of her sponsor, the actress became sloppy in her stage deportment. During a performance she was late for her cue, leaving Ethel standing alone on the stage. "Goddammit, I want that bitch fired!" Ethel stormed afterward. "How dare she leave me out there with egg on my face." The stage manager cleared his throat and remarked, "You know, Miss Merman, that Richard Rodgers is very much interested in the girl's career." Ethel replied, "I don't give a damn. She's lousing up the show. If she's late one more time, out she goes!" Ethel had no fear of Rodgers, though he and Oscar Hammerstein were then the most powerful figures in musical comedy. She remained angry at Rodgers for trying to force her to return from a vacation when the box office for ANNIE GET YOUR GUN started sagging. Well, the young actress did it again--left Ethel waiting on stage. "That's it! Out! Out!" Ethel exploded. "She goes!" The stage manager warily bore her ultimatum to Richard Rodgers. "Tell that bitch to go to hell," Rodgers said. Ethel's instructions to the stage manager: "You tell Richard Rodgers to go f**k himself.That dame is fired." There's no business like show business! reply to this message Lolita2 Understudy joined: 2/27/06 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/17/06 at 04:50 PM ^^Was she really fired? oh man, I love Merman! reply to this message mike L G Swing joined: 12/27/04 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/17/06 at 09:34 PM I am also a huge Merman fan and got to see her perform since I was a littleboy really o'kay here's one that has not been montioned. This also was the 77 show with mary martin (dyke) that's hallorois will anyeway Ethel was talking to the sound man Ken Billington and she told him about mic's she used at this time and saids to him I wair one on each tit and won down here and I can sing all ****in night, maid him wonder what the next week's were going to be like. 's reply to this message CurtainPullDowner Broadway Legend joined: 11/4/04 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/18/06 at 01:51 AM No Sound Guy is paid enough to put a mic "down there" Damn. thats why she never needed a mic. The Merm had it all! reply to this message mike L G Swing joined: 12/27/04 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/18/06 at 08:46 AM A story I got right from Lauren Bacall because I sat next to her at the 77 show with martin, was she came back stage after applause and said She needed to use the grapper and when she came out she told her she was good. And bacall said I hope that she meant it.I can recall Bacall saying oboy boy oh boy sitting next to me when ethel use to talk about George & Ira Gershwin and how they had the roof garden all to themselves as she used to put it "all sewed up all to themselves" reply to this message madbrian Stand-by joined: 6/1/06 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/18/06 at 09:01 AM Not a Merman quote, but I loved her cameo in the movie Airplane. There's a scene where the leads are in a psych hospital (in a flashback), and there is another patient who is in there because he thinks he's Ethel Merman. It's actually Merman herself, who breaks into a few bars of There's No Business Like Show Business (I think) before she is sedated. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can I miss you if you won't leave? reply to this message MasterLcZ Broadway Legend joined: 5/12/03 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/18/06 at 09:09 AM Kent, the Loretta Young story has been around for a long time with lots of stars or directors (always male) the "F**k off, Loretta" role. This is the the first time I've heard Merman's name attached to it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's got candy things in it. It's a candy kind of cake thing. reply to this message Horton Broadway Star joined: 4/29/05 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/18/06 at 09:17 AM Merman was also in Its A Mad Mad Mad Mad World reply to this message Gothampc Broadway Legend joined: 5/20/03 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/18/06 at 09:31 AM On the site that shall not be named, there is a clip from Lucille Ball's show where she is trying to teach Ethel Merman to sing. reply to this message frontrowcentre2 Broadway Legend joined: 2/20/05 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/18/06 at 11:50 AM Fans cherish HAPPY HUNTING because it has one of the stupidest books of all 1950s musicals. (The basic plot is solid enough but the dialogue is very amateurish.) The songs, while not top drawer Broadway, are lively and catchy and Merman is in great voice on the cast album. She was a big enough star that despite the critical boos for the book and score, they wrote raves about her performance and the show ran a year. At the first reading Fernando Lamas stopped to ask if he was going t read his lines to Miss Merman while she read hers to the audience. A hush fell over the room. "Mr Lamas" she said "I want you to know that I have been playing scenes this way for 25 years on Broadway." Lamas, who made his only Broadway appearance in HAPPY HUNTING, replied, "That just means you're old!" From that point on it was World War Three backstage...and on. At one point Lamas began wiping off her kisses in full view of the audiences. Years later Merman was making talk show rounds promoting her autobiography. One interviewer asked her if she would be sending Fernando Lamas a copy. "I wouldn't even send him a postcard," she said, adding, "He Knows what I think of him!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cast albums are NOT "soundtracks." Live theatre does not use a "soundtrack." If it did, it wouldn't be live theatre! ************* contact me at: frontrowcentre@hotmail.com Theatre News, Reviews & Interviews reply to this message Jimmcf Broadway Legend joined: 4/6/04 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/18/06 at 01:29 PM The stage manager for Gypsy (cast full of children) was talking to the guys backstage in very "colorful" language, when Merman came up to him and said, "Hey, you, don't say 'f**k*' in front of the k-i-d-s!" ________ Cole Porter once gave her a painting as a present - but she decided the colors in the painting didn't go with her decor, so she gave it to a relative. Years later Cole asked her whatever happened to the Grandma Moses painting. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What in the sweet chocolate Christ is a metrosexual? Updated On: 8/18/06 at 01:31 PM reply to this message frontrowcentre2 Broadway Legend joined: 2/20/05 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/18/06 at 02:42 PM Posing outside the Broadway theatre where they did their one-night only concert in May 1977, one photographer called out "Mary, take your hand away from Ethel's chin!" Ethel muttered "Shut up! She's holding up my face!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't know if this one's been posted, but: When asked why she didn't talk to Gypsy co-star Sandra Church, Merman replied, "Of course I talk to her. Every night after the curtain comes down I tell her, 'Go **** yourself!'" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Booing is completely uncalled for. Mooing, on the other hand, is perfectly acceptable." -SNLmedia on booing at the theatre. Watch the all new season of Flavor of Love, Sunday at 10/9c on VH1! Current Avatar: My role model. reply to this message Horton Broadway Star joined: 4/29/05 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/18/06 at 05:52 PM And we wonder why Merman was married so many times. reply to this message vjRichie Stand-by joined: 1/29/04 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/18/06 at 08:00 PM Jennifer Holiday said (on the Rosie show I beleive) that Merman came backstage after Dreamgirls and told Jennifer she would never make it being so fat and with that voice! or something like that, I wished I saved that episode! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I've had two years to grow claws, Mother, and they're Jungle Red!" Mary Haines - The Women reply to this message morosco Broadway Legend joined: 7/10/04 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/18/06 at 09:21 PM "Jennifer Holiday said (on the Rosie show I beleive) that Merman came backstage after Dreamgirls and told Jennifer..." Holliday said that Merman told her that she couldn't sing. That's all. reply to this message mike L G Swing joined: 12/27/04 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/18/06 at 09:58 PM When they had a tribute benefit in the the late ninties for aids . The show opened "Something For the Boys" in like village people customs and they dubbed in from "Call Me Madam" what she is saying to the steatsmen . Not Dollar ,Not a Quarter, Not a dime. Course if you like to stick around for a few beer's. reply to this message mike L G Swing joined: 12/27/04 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/18/06 at 09:58 PM When they had a tribute benefit in the the late ninties for aids . The show opened "Something For the Boys" in like village people customs and they dubbed in from "Call Me Madam" what she is saying to the steatsmen . Not Dollar ,Not a Quarter, Not a dime. Course if you like to stick around for a few beer's. reply to this message frontrowcentre2 Broadway Legend joined: 2/20/05 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/19/06 at 04:58 AM The "bitchy" stories are more fun, but when we interviewed her for a weekly radio show I produced she was funny and delightful. One story she told was that when she played the London Palledium in the 1970s a fan from Scotland send her down a sprig of white heather, for luck. She said "She couldn't even come down and see the show, but it was so sweet and I couldn't even write her and thank her because there was no return address." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cast albums are NOT "soundtracks." Live theatre does not use a "soundtrack." If it did, it wouldn't be live theatre! ************* contact me at: frontrowcentre@hotmail.com Theatre News, Reviews & Interviews reply to this message allofmylife Broadway Star joined: 3/8/05 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/19/06 at 11:40 AM I still think "Call me Mrs. Birdseye, honey, but this show is frozen" is inspired. reply to this message ILUVTOMG Chorus Member joined: 8/8/06 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/19/06 at 11:50 AM A friend of mine (now deceased) worked on the 1977 Merman/Martin benefit and said that Mary walked into rehearsal late one day - Ethel was onstage singing. When Merman spotted Martin sneaking in she stopped the orchestra and bellowed 'Hey Mary how come you're late? Hope you got some **** last night 'cause I got a great piece of dick' LORD I LOVE THAT STORY. reply to this message n69n Broadway Star joined: 4/30/06 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/19/06 at 11:52 AM ^ i cant think of what "****" represents in this instance. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "my one-woman production of 12 ANGRY MEN" - Sara Blank, STRANGERS WITH CANDY reply to this message theaterkid1015 Swing joined: 6/15/06 re: My favorite Merman quote Posted On: 8/19/06 at 12:01 PM This is a personal story I heard from my teacher, Lenora Nemetz, that has produced one of my favorite quotes, Merman or otherwise: So, when Pittsburgh opened Heinz Hall, all of these big names showed up (I guess) and Merman was one of them. The conducter totally screwed up her arragement and the music itself got all messed up and she started yelling at