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She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke you throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the hallelujah..."
Everything I say on this website reflects a particular emotion or thought I had at a particular time. You do not know me if you do not know that I am stubborn. And proud. And above all, I never claimed to not be a hypocrite in so many ways. I will complain about something, or say it is horrible to do, and then realize I did it. I am not just one person. I have many different aspects, so many sides. I battle myself every day. If you think because I write the things that I do because I am so confident, because I've got it all sorted out, all worked out, you're wrong. I have my insecurities too, many instabilities. I am fickle. But I hate myself most of all for the hypocrisy that I perform every day. So why do i put these words up here, for all the world to see what a hypocrite I am? Because I feel the only way for me to learn from my actions is to publicly state what bothers me, or touches me. If it's in writing, and other people can see it, and then see me act differently, then I can compare and realize what I've done wrong. I may not be able to practice everything i preach at all times, but I'm learning, and I'm also learning about exceptions to previously stated rules, which I add here when i note them. Do not proceed to judge me, because I assure you you don't know me.
I was laying in bed last night thinking about what i would tell my future children, when they ask what the difference is between a man and a woman? What is the difference, really? Aside from biological issues that may be hard to explain to a 7 year old, where do the difference lie when there are so many blurred lines?
And lately I've been thinking about my own characteristics. The ones that are all my own, and the ones I have inherited from my mother. What my friends think about me, and what i have perceived in other women. There is so much talk about the strenth of a man, which i could (and possibly will) digress on for hours: but what about the strength of a woman?
Recently a popular deodarant brand changed their logo to "strong enough for a woman" when it used to be "strong enough for a man, ph balanced for a woman" and then "strong enough for a man, made for a woman". With the entire women's liberation movement, was there really any need to reaffirm what sort of strength women have?
Sometimes we are raped, or beaten. We carry the machine of life in our bodies, and always worry about that very machine... we weep for its dysfunction (or how easily it DOES function), or we cheer for what it produces. Once a mother, always a mother, and you will always bear those grievances and cares and worries with you once you have felt life inside of you. Now, i am by no means trying to downplay the emotional strength necessary for men, and the things they must endure as well. But for now I want to focus on what i am: a woman.
We are trained to react in certain ways to different tragedies. But what happens when we dont react that way? We burn with a love so deep, for our children, for our lovers, for even our parents... but what happens when that love leaves us? If you lose a life - will you ever forget it? I personally know that when people get to know me, they have their ideas about how i will react to tragedy. I am an emotional person, and the slightest thing can set me off into tears (even the Brady Bunch). If something or someone hurts my feelings, it doesnt go away quickly. And i am generally very openly emotional; I make little effort to hife my emotions about the small things that affect them.
But when it comes to the greater tragedies - I am much stronger than any person I know (or who knows me) had ever expected. I will not crumble when faced with sadness... sure, I will carry it for the rest of my life, and I have learned that having regrets is not the bad thing - the bad thing is when you react to them negatively. I am not going to sit around for my entire life, or even for a month, and wallow away about how life in unfair, about how i am a victim. I will never be a victim, and this life is my own to lead. The decisions I make: I may regret them later (and i do), but I will not justify them for none other than myself. The losses I have endured have been deep - but I am still here, and i still have to get up in the morning and go to school. I still have to go to work. Rent does not go on hold just because God sent me a message. And I will smile when people ask me how I am, and I will tell them I'm doing very well, thank you for asking. And I suppose I am. I will carry my sadness with me for the rest of my life, no matter what other happinesses come my way. And I will grieve for the lost, but I will not be lost myself. The deepest tragedies do not lead to hysteria for me - they hold a quiet morning that sucks the breath out of me and dries me out so that I can't hardly even weep. There may be tears, but they will not rain, they will leak. I take my responsibilities to myself and to the loved ones in my life too seriously to abandon them when i have sadness. My loss: it hits me in the calmest of moments, when everything is quiet and I am just driving down the street, or looking vacantly at something. It is a deep sadness - but the overwhelming feeling is emptiness. I feel hollow. I don't know if that vacancy will ever be filled, but as deep as my mourning may be, I will not stop admiring beautiful children, or women glowing in that way that only pregnant women do. I will not let one sadness erase all the other happinesses that life has for me. When everyone expected me to crumble, I have stood stong, and endured it all, and prevailed.
And that is the strength of a woman.
The more they stay the same. Do we ever really change? I don't recognize the girl i used to be. A friend of mine says that psychology states that our personalities are unstable until about the age of 30. If this is true, i wonder how much more I will change. No matter how far away we are from that which we used to be... do we ever release the baggage? Does it come with us wherever we go? Will I never let go of hurt from the past? Will i never accept my modern reality?
When someone hurts you so deeply, so strongly, can you ever really forgive them? Can you ever stop asking yourself the same old questions? What was it about me that was just that bad? Where was the flaw that ran so deep? Every single thing that i knew you didnt like about me changed. Not because I felt the need to change for you, but because I knew you were right, and those things needed to change regardless... for me, for my life. And even though everything about me had grown up, for some reason unknown to me.. I still wasn't good enough for you. After everything, no matter how much i blew you away... I still wasnt good enough for you. Something was wrong. And for the life of me, I can't figure out what it is... is it just... me? Is it just me that pushes you away? Or is it Us? everything that we were that will never be again, and everything that happened that can never be forgotten... Does the past ever actually pass?
Or does it fly by in a blur, never to be clearly seen again? The beautiful things I had forgotten in light of the dark times.. and yet you remember them... and yet it still wasnt enough for you. And i guess I just don't, can't, won't, and will never, understand. And for the rest of my life this question will continue to torture me every day...
Why can't I ever be good enough for you?
Lately in my life I have begun to ponder whether or not there is such a thing as karma. And i have come to the conclusion that yes, there is. Whatever form you accept, whatever belief system you practice... the saying "what goes around comes around" is true. And maybe it's for perfectly sound a logical reasons, coincidences or what have you. But i dont care how you perceive it, it's karma. I'm Christian, and I still believe in it. The thing is, it brings me a lot of comfort. In two ways:
1. I did everything I could think of to handle a particular person in a more than decent manner. I treated her with respect, I trusted her, I befriended her, I defended her... I embraced her, and wanted to be an excellent friend to her. Then later, she slapped me in the face with her disregard and disrespect. I was damaged, I didn't feel that I could trust anyone, I didn't know how... I couldnt have a functional relationship because of the demons I dealt with every night... I felt she had stolen from me, that she had laughed in my face in spite of all the kindnesses I bestowed upon her. And even after she hurt me so badly, sometimes i was angry, but overall I tried to be forgiving. At first I even tried to stay friends with her, but she would have none of that. And she stole other friends away from me, forbidding them from talking to me. A year and a half later, she got her just desserts. The person she had tried to steal from me left her, and was my friend again, and not hers. When she saw us together, I can only imagine what it must have felt like... I can remember what it felt like, because she had done it to me. And I didn't even do it to her intentionally. All the hurt and anguish I had felt over the past year and a half was passed on to her, and i felt a huge weight come off my shoulders. Its not really that i want revenge, or that I want her to hurt... at times of course i did, and do feel that way, but i never would have gone out and acted upon those feelings. But God took matters into His own hands, and comforted me... not by revenge, but by justice. I know she will heal, as I did. But hopefully she will also learn.
Case #2: A few weeks after I got my new car, someone hit me (2500$ of damage) then drove off... hit and run. That means I get no compensation. I tried to be calm about it, and just figured thats the way it goes. Three days later, someone rear ended me, causing 500 dollars worth of damage... but when the appraiser came to appraise my car (he did it without me in his presence) he appraised it for all the damage from both accidents. I should have called the insurance company and told them about their mistake... that would have been the honest thing to do... but i didnt. The injustices of the world were paid back to me in a 3000 dollar check. However, a few weeks ago, a garbage truck hit my car, causing another thousand dollars of damage. This time the world worked against me, and though it was decided the accident wasnt my fault, it was also decided that the city wasnt going to pay for the damages. Somewhere, someone, twisted the facts of the accident to make it completely unfair, and unjust. But in the end? Thats what I get. I feel that God gave me a small punishment for not being completely honest... but let me keep most of my money because of the first unjust action. Its complicated, but it evens out. After all, i used none of the money i received to fix my car, nor would i if i had received money from the city... so in the end, i still made 2000 dollars, which allowed me to quit my job. But my dishonesty to the insurance company prevented me from receiving 3000. And once i thought about that... the whole injustice of the accident didnt seem so bad... i just laughed and said "oh well. thats what i get." and it is. It all evened out. And everything does. ;)
I grew up in texas, in louisiana, in the deep south. i love the north, because the deception that veils people in the south was too thick for me. ive been thinking a lot about honesty, about people who have made promises to me, and broken them, and vice versa. when i was growing up, my mother never made me any promises, because she didnt want the responsibility of having to keep them. i dont feel thats the way to go about it. but for all promises there is a breaking point.
when you make a promise to someone, you may intend to keep it no matter what. but there is a point when promises become null and void. you may swear to God you will never leave someone. but after they cheat on you and abuse you and hurt you in so many ways, you may decide you dont want to keep that promise anymore. because you made a promise to one person, then realized that they arent the same person anymore.
i try hard to keep all my promises. but at the same time, i dont want to become like my mother, and never make a promise for fear of the responsibility. if i break a promise, i will accept the responsibility for that. i will accept the anger, and the hurt, and whatever verbal violence is inflicted on me. but i can also detach myself from a person. i very very rarely intentionally break a promise without thinking about the consequences and accepting them beforehand. if i break a promise to someone, that should say something to them about how my feelings toward them have changed, about how they became someone different then the person to whom i originally made the promise, at least in my eyes.
A breaking point is the point where even though you wanted so desperately to keep your word on everything, a person does something, or a series of things that hurts you so much, that the price of breaking a promise has become worth it. it is worth losing them, or losing something special versus hurting anymore.
We all have our secrets. When we come into one another's lives, we dont know everything about that person, we dont know all the thoughts that go through their head. A person may meet me and think im one person, one aspect that i chose to expose to them. Then once i get to know them, i want them to see all of it. But i want them to know theres something more, and i want them to want to know me. Otherwise we will be stuck in this cycle where if i act like myself, expose a different aspect that you did not know before, you will think im acting strangely. ANd that hurts me. When a person thinks there is only one side to me, and thus all their actions are directed towards that part, without considering that i may still get hurt, that is a breaking point. Then i distance myself. And yes, its sad, because you may not know that you hurt me. And believe it or not, i am a very stubborn, proud person. I may not feel it is worth it to tell you over and over and over again how you have hurt me. I will just close my eyes, take a deep breath, and walk away, and i will do everything i am capable of to close all deals and such. Because there is a point when even if i were to keep a promise about something, it would be half hearted, or resentful. And out of respect to the person to whom i made the promise, i would rather it be all or nothing. And if that person still demands that i fulfill that promise, i lose respect for them.
Whether or not you think it is disrespectful for someone to break a promise to you, it is even more disrespectful to manipulate someone into making that promise. If you know a person will keep their word, and then you use that to manipulate them to give you what you want, then THAT is a breaking point.
Those thoughts were unedited, and not laid out as well as i wanted them to be, but they will do for now. Obviously, much of it is directed towards one particular person, who seemed upset that my entry about "the worst feelings possible" was nearly a direct quote from him. Thats because it was in reaction to his website, and thus i felt the need to make it obvious that that is indeed what it is. I chose those words as a compliment to him, in order to show him that i did care, but unfortunately, by the time he noticed, it was too late i suppose.
Every now and then I have to give myself a night for just a good cry. It doesn't mean necessarily it was a bad day. It's just an hour or two for me grant myself a catharsis for all the sorrows that weigh down my head. Tonight I gave myself one of those nights, and was thinking about my last relationship, and what made it so horrible for me. And I think its because it touched on some of the worst feelings I personally have ever experienced.
Number one. When someone doesn't tell you something, not because they forget, but because they don't think you are strong enough to handle the truth. That is the most insulting, degrading, disrespectful action in the world. I have always prided myself on being a very understanding individual, and incredibly forgiving, and also pretty honest. And thats why when someone decided to hide things from me, it hurt more than anything. Because if you have to lie, that just magnifies whatever you lied about. Because it makes one wonder if you are acutally telling the whole truth, what else you were hiding, and if you had to hide it, then that automatically makes you look guiltier, because you couldnt admit to it initially. And its not just about lying. Its about being able to tell someone the truth, and open up to them. And that is different from lying. If you cant tell me how you really feel, i will eventually find out, and it will just be incredibly insulting to me that you didnt think i was a strong enough person to handle the truth. Lying is bad enough, and letting someone think that you have told them the truth about everything when you havent is the same thing as lying. You are being deceptive. Don't lie to someone with whom you are in a relationship. Eventually, they will find out. And it will jsut be worse.
Number two. Being replaced. When someone just replaces you, it makes you feel like an object, like last years toyota model. Like there was something wrong with you, so they had to return you and get a new one. Now, there is a difference between moving on, and replacing someone. If you are "moving on", that implies that you have given yourself enough time to evaluate your relationship, and decide what you want for the next one, and so on. THere is of course, no particular formula for how long you should wait after a breakup before you start a relationship with someone new. So take a poll. Get the advice of many, many people, and average their numbers together. Do something. But don't be cruel. This may be a bit extreme, but i would think a pretty lose estimate would be about a week for each month you were together. And that is a VERY LOOSE ESTIMATE. and it depends on the situation.
Number three. Feelings like someone just "got rid of you". If you have reached the point in a relationship where you just want to "get rid" of the other person, you have kept it going way too long. And you are an idiot. Seriously. If you are that miserable to where you actually feel like dumping that person off into a lake just so you dont have to deal with them anymore, then why didnt you say something, or do something long before? I understand that once you have reached this point, its not like you can go back in time. But for future reference, dont let it get to that point. If you are cheating, then why are you even in a relationship? If you just want to unload the other person, why didnt you do it long before you ever let yourself get that miserable? Its only making the other person miserable as well.
Number four. Knowing that the other person doesnt feel as stronly towards you as you do towards them. Katie and i were discussing this today. Wouldnt it be great if there was some sort of scale where you could measure your feelings towards someone, and then measure the distance between what you feel and what they feel? But there isnt an easy way to do this. And so its pretty much touch and go, trial and error, fumbling around hopefully in the dark. Its all fumbling and stumbling, and getting smacked, and going for it again. And patience. The biggest issue is, when do you tell the other person how you feel? because how do you know they feel that strongly? or on the other hand, how do you know they dont feel exactly the same way, or even stronger, and are just waiting for you to say something before they do? Yes, this is all very dangerous. But that is the plane of uncertainty. The worst pain is when you know exactly how the other person feels. And its not the same way. Now, weve all experienced crushes and such. But the worst is when you've been in a relationship with someone for a while, and it hits you all of a sudden that they dont look at you the way you look at them. And its always an epiphany. A painful one. And it ties in with my last point.
Number Five. Watching someone fall away from you. Watching someone slip away, watching them rise higher and higher out of love, while you fall deeper. Its slow, its painful, its desperate, because you keep thinking that things will change, if you just do this, or that, or whatever they want, or maybe even buy them things. But unfortunately you cant. And i hope that not everyone has to learn that the hard way. You cant cling to everything, you have to let go at some point. I used to think that this was giving up, and stubbornly refused to give up. But you have to step back, take a look at your life, and be realistic. Take some time, gather your thoughts and emotions, pack them away, and just walk on. Let it go.
"I remember when i moved in you, the holy dark was moving too, and every breath we drew was hallelujah..."
I was having a discussion with my friend karen about the concept of pride in relationships. She and her girlfriend are both quite arrogant, and clash a lot. and so we started a discussion about this. Look, if you are in a relationship with someone, and truly in love with them, sorry, but the pride has got to go. Love is a very humble, embarassing thing. when you fall in love with someone, they call it falling, because you let go of what remains of your pride. thats how it goes if you are really in it deep. thats why it requires so much trust. ive noticed in myself that with someone who i actually like, i can be a bitch at times, because im scared to death of falling, and thus i show a very proud side. its a human characteristic.
and thats why after a relationship ends, its humiliating. and you do things you wouldnt normally do, simply because you are trying to build your pride back up. I had THAT discussion with jonathan. You do what you can, step on whomever you have to, just to build that pride back up. were all using each other anyway. Thats why rebounds are a necessary evil.
There was a time, not in my personal history, but in American history, where it was okay to refer to a black man as a "nigger". and no one looked twice if you said it. no white person would have found it offensive, no one would have thought it rude, or out of the ordinary. But thank God times changed. And it takes a long time for social attitudes to evolve. When we look back at how far weve come, I think it's fairly impressive. But then we also need to look at how far we have to go. Why is it okay to insult something by calling it "gay"? Or calling someone you don't like a "fag"? And why is it funny to do a "gay lisp"? Why? If you think about it, theres nothing funny about it. I mean seriously, im not seeing the humor here... now dont get me wrong, i am a very difficult person to offend. But I have friends that i love dearly who find those things very hurtful... and I guess because I was never part of the population that these comments refer to, I never let it get to me. But if you think about it, it IS hurtful. why say things like that? its funny only because were trained to believe that it is.
Now, i dont claim to be much of a mover or a shaker. Im not some huge gay rights advocate, or anything like that. But i do attempt to claim i have an open mind. and i have friends who i care about a lot. and while i do have a good sense of humour, and i will retain that, i wont feed those comments anymore. and why is it that if a guy makes fun of gay people, that makes him more macho? i guess i dont understand it. okay, okay, you're straight. I GET IT. so am i, but i dont feel the need to ridicule those who arent in order to prove it.
thanks karen. for opening my eyes a bit.
