"Wow," I said. "A yard gnome."
I had always wanted a yard gnome. I had harbored an intense need for one of the creatures. They were so much better than pink flamingos or rose bushes. When you put a yard gnome onto your lawn, you were placing a bit of joy into the hearts of everyone who drove by your house. They would see the yard gnome, with his small red hat and puffy white beard, and they would smile.

My parents had always said that yard gnomes were tacky. They had absolutely no desire to add a little elf spirit to our front yard. Well I sure did, and in the summer of 1989, I finally convinced them to add a yard gnome to our humble abode.

I remember placing the cheerful gnome in the grass beside the flowerbed. I made sure that he was near my bedroom window so I could see him every morning and every night. I looked down on him and smiled, and he seemed to happily smile right back to me. Aren't yard gnomes great, I thought to myself.

That night as I prepared to go to sleep I gazed at the gnome through my bedroom window. the moonlight gleamed perfectly on his red hat.

"Who knows what sorta magic will happen tonight," I said aloud. "Right, Mr. Gnome?"

It was then that I saw three teenage boys on the street. They crept through the neighborhood like hungry wolves, seeking small, juicy gnomes to eat. All three of the kids had large wooden baseball bats, which they used to overturn trashcans and scare cats. They won't see my gnome, I thought. He 's way too small. For a moment it seemed like they were going to pass my house, and overlook the magical ceramic gnome. Boy was I wrong, one boy spotted the gnome and his ears seemed to perk up. Suddenly all three of the miscreants rushed through my yard, heading directly for the gnome. My gnome must have known what was coming. He took off running through the yard, as fast as his small ceramic legs would carry him.

"Wow," I gasped. "He really is magical!"

My yard gnome bolted through the front yard, screaming things like "No" and "Please save me."

"Fight back, Mr. Gnome," I cheered. "You can make it!"

Evidently, the gnome wasn't a very good fighter. The boys ended up smashing it all over the street. As for me, I wasn't that sad, I thought the whole thing was pretty cool.

Written March 10, 2000