REAL NAME: Crash McLarson
OCCUPATION: Lumberjack, Pediatric psychologist
PLACE OF BIRTH: The Highlands, Aquabania
KNOWN RELATIVES: The McLarsons
GROUP AFFILIATION: The Aquabats, B.H.R., The Immortals, Diet Cokes Anonymous, The Cracklin' Oat Bran Mailing List
HEIGHT: 6'8"
WEIGHT: 250 lbs. of SOLID Muscle!
EYES: Orange
HAIR: Orange
STRENGTH LEVEL: Orange
KNOWN SUPER HUMAN POWERS: Crushing oranges, can destroy absolutely ANYTHING. Especially oranges.
WEAPONS: An incredibly big fist, morning breathe of horror, and a couple of bass guitars
MUSICAL LIKES: Rock and also Roll
TURN ONS: The light
TURN OFFS:The light when Crash done

And it came to pass in the seven hundredth year of the reign of the Adams that Lothar McLarson and his posterity were granted the land in the southeast.

And it was good with Lothar and he prepared with much rejoicing for the journey to the new land of his inheritance.

Now behold, the land in the Southeast was inhabited by a race of wild men who lived in the hills. These wild men ate nothing, save it were raw meat and Cracklin' Oat Bran. And they rejoiced in their suffering.

Now, behold, these hill people were covered in much hair and stink and were called the Hardies. And they were a bloodthirsty generation and stood eight cubits tall.

And it came to pass that in the sevenhundred and first year of the reign of the Adams,

Lothar descended upon the land of his inheritance and made camp near the seashore on the edge of the cliffs.

And Lothar dwelt in a tent.

And it came to pass that the Hardies of the hills were stirred up unto much anger against the McLarson Clan. Insomuch that they did descend upon the encampment with expedient force.

And many McLarsons were slain. So many, insomuch that great was the stink

And the Chief of the Hill People had a conference call with Lothar, chief of the McLarsons.

Insomuch that he demanded fifteen percent of all of the McLarsons' increase. And in return their lives would be spared.

And this is the epistle of Lothar McLarson to the chief if the Hill people:

Thou hast killed many of my people without reason or warning. When we have done nothing to thy people save it were only casual glances at your women.

For behold, this land is rightfully our land of inheritance, given to us by a proclamation of the king of all the land northward.

Now, we do not suppose that thou canst incur thy yoke of bondage of fifteen percent much longer, or we will rise up against thee with much force and wrath.

How long must we endure this dreadful scene? How long must we see our wives and children suffer empty plates and barren fruit baskets while thou and thine people hog up all the Crackin' Oat Bran?

I sayest, No longer! For we shall raise up an army against thee and end the conflict.

And so it was, the Lothar and his people took up arms against the Hardies and smote them with exceeding rage.

And it came to pass that after much bloodshed upon the land, that Lothar smote the head of the Chief Hardie, insomuch that his teeth fell to the earth. And the birds rose out of the sea and pecked at his flesh until he was consumed.

Having seen this, the Woolly Hill People were stricken with fear and ran to their final deaths off the edge of the Great Cliffs.

And there was peace in the land.

Yet even to this day, there lies a discount hot dog stand below those Great Cliffs of which I have hitherto spoken in memory of that great battle.

....And Lothar McLarson begat Oglok.

And it came to pass that Oglok begat Mobius McLarson.

And Mobius begat Rumchur McLarson.

And Rumchur begat Jonathan and William and Catherine.

And Catherine bore up a great nation, and that nation was....

CRASH MCLARSON, THE BASS PLAYER FOR THE AQUABATS!